Five years ago, I ended my friendship with my closest companion of 30 years. I was ecstatic when she told me she was making the long journey to come and see me as we were separated by a distance of over a thousand miles. After I settled in my new residence in San Antonio, I proudly showed my guest around the place and gave her a grand tour of my newly acquired dwelling. When we reached the back door, I suggested going out to my garden so that she could see my tomatoes. However, I thought I detected a slight sneer in her response when she said "Why would I want to look at your tomatoes? I don't even like them and it's too hot outside anyway." A warning bell sounded in my head, letting me know that something was evidently wrong with this relationship. I found it somewhat amusing that, as a psychotherapist whose business is words, I was uncertain how to express my own emotions at the time. I sadly replied with an "okay" and things only got worse from there. After I dropped her off at the airport, I realized that this would be our last visit together. I was quite relieved that I was willing to sever such a long-lasting friendship over something trivial like Tomatoes. We have been otherwise close friends, growing apart for three decades after all. Planting a seed in the soil of my hometown of New York, and giving it a sprinkle of water can provide an abundant harvest of beautiful tomatoes. And yet, growing tomatoes in the sweltering summer heat of South Texas is an undertaking that requires love and dedication. I was really proud of my tomatoes so it didn't make sense that someone who I considered to be my best friend wouldn't even take a few steps over to my lovingly tended vegetable garden to admire them.
Had the tomato incident just been a single occurrence, I can assure you that it wouldn't have been enough to cause me to end my 30-year friendship. Unfortunately though, this was not the case. As long as we were following her wishes and she had the attention she desired, everything was great. However, when I tried to direct my attention to myself in times of achievement or when I had a different priority or preference than what was expected of me, I experienced feelings of confusion, inadequacy, and an odd sense of disloyalty. It appeared that each dialogue turned into a challenge in which she felt the need to be triumphant and I ended up not succeeding. On the outside, she appeared to be encouraging, yet her cynical comments and subtly hostile statements made me feel diminished. I had a really bad time after spending time with my so-called best friend. The issue is that I didn't have a true best friend, but instead was dancing with someone who was more of a frenemy. When I informed her that I had made the choice to end our relationship, she questioned why we couldn't remain friends. After three decades of deep introspection, I reached a profound understanding that my friend deserved a thoughtful and meaningful response. This realization sparked contemplation on the significance of friendship and loneliness in my life.
As I reflected on friendship, I recognized that it is a precious bond that brings joy, support, and shared experiences. True friendship involves mutual respect, trust, and genuine care for each other's well-being. It goes beyond just spending time together, but also involves being there during both good times and bad, offering a listening ear, and providing emotional support. Friendship can provide a sense of belonging and connectedness, and it can enrich our lives in numerous ways. Good friends can offer different perspectives, challenge our assumptions, and help us grow as individuals. They can share in our joys, celebrate our successes, and provide comfort during difficult times. Genuine friendships can be a source of happiness, fulfillment, and support throughout our lives. On the other hand, loneliness can be a challenging experience. It is the feeling of being disconnected or isolated, even when surrounded by others. Loneliness can be caused by various factors, such as physical separation, lack of social interactions, or feeling misunderstood or disconnected in social settings. It can have negative effects on our mental, emotional, and physical well-being. As I pondered the significance of friendship and loneliness, I realized that finding meaningful connections with others is essential for human beings. It is through genuine friendships that we can experience companionship, understanding, and empathy, and combat loneliness. It is also important to be proactive in reaching out to others, nurturing and maintaining healthy friendships, and being a good friend in return. In conclusion, my reflection after 30 years has underscored the significance of friendship as a precious bond that brings joy, support, and enrichment to our lives, while also highlighting the challenges of loneliness. It has prompted me to value and cherish the friendships I have, and to actively cultivate and maintain meaningful connections with others to combat loneliness and enhance my overall well-being.
I noticed that loneliness had become a problem of epidemic proportions, with experts saying so from all sides. Additionally, many of the clients I see in my psychotherapy practice are talking about feeling lonely as well. I created an online survey to gain insight into the reality of the situation, and I received more than 600 responses. The findings of my research indicated that spouses were each other's closest friends, followed by siblings, parents and children, and then other relatives. Family relationships clearly took precedence over others in terms of friendship. Indeed, dogs are often referred to as "man's best friend" due to their unwavering loyalty, unconditional love, and companionship. They can provide comfort, joy, and a sense of purpose to their human companions. Many people find solace in the playful, affectionate, and faithful nature of dogs, and they often form deep bonds with their canine companions. However, it's worth noting that cats can also be cherished companions and bring great joy to their owners. While cats may have different temperaments compared to dogs, they are known for their independent nature, grace, and elegance. Cat lovers appreciate the unique personality and quirks of their feline friends, and the bond between a cat and its owner can be just as strong as that between a human and a dog. Pets, whether they are dogs or cats, can provide companionship, emotional support, and unconditional love, which can help combat loneliness and improve overall well-being. The bond between a person and their pet, whether it's a dog or a cat, can be incredibly meaningful and fulfilling, offering companionship, affection, and a sense of purpose. It's important to remember that different people may have different preferences when it comes to pets. Some may find solace and companionship in the loyal and playful nature of dogs, while others may appreciate the independent and mysterious personality of cats. Ultimately, the choice between a dog or a cat as a companion depends on personal preference, lifestyle, and individual circumstances. Both dogs and cats can be wonderful companions, and pet lovers can find joy and fulfillment in the unique bond they share with their chosen furry friend.
And while computers and phones are not living beings and cannot form the same kind of emotional bond as humans or pets, they can certainly play an important role in our lives as tools for communication, connection, and companionship. In today's digital age, computers and phones have become integral parts of our lives. They allow us to connect with others, stay in touch with loved ones, access information, and even engage in online communities or social media. They can provide a sense of companionship through virtual interactions, such as chatting with friends, playing online games, or participating in online forums. Additionally, virtual assistants and chatbots powered by artificial intelligence (AI), such as Siri, Alexa, or Google Assistant, can provide a sense of companionship and even offer emotional support to some extent. While they are not sentient beings, these AI-powered assistants can engage in conversational interactions, provide information, and offer suggestions, which can sometimes create a perception of companionship or friendship. However, it's important to recognize that the relationship we have with computers and phones is fundamentally different from human relationships or pet companionship. Human connections are built on complex emotions, empathy, and shared experiences, while our interactions with computers and phones are based on technology and programmed responses. It's essential to strike a healthy balance in our use of technology and not rely solely on computers or phones for companionship. Nurturing and maintaining meaningful human connections, spending time with loved ones, and engaging in offline activities are vital for our well-being. While computers and phones can be useful tools for communication and connection, they cannot replace the deep emotional connections we can form with other humans or the unconditional love and companionship that pets can provide.
One of the obstacles to forming and maintaining relationships is that we often find ourselves overwhelmed with multiple conflicting commitments. Unfortunately, due to our frequent relocations, it is difficult for us to meet up and socialize with each other. This activity is essential for building and sustaining relationships, something everyone agrees upon. A prevalent perception is that the number of introverts has increased over time, and that many of us seek out friends who are close by, familiar and similar to ourselves. Many people have been left feeling hurt and betrayed by someone they considered to be a friend, leading them to become cynical of others and believe that trusting somebody is impossible. This has caused them to feel alienated. Unfortunately, this is one of the worst pieces of news. Perhaps that is why we are dedicating a great deal of our time to electronics and solitary activities: to avoid the potential pain of betrayal or hurt caused by human companions. We may be selecting family members and pets as our most trusted confidants, in order to minimize the possibility of being let down again. I believe that the growing loneliness epidemic has a great deal to do with the damage caused by frenemies. Therefore, a potential answer to this problem could be finding an effective radar or "fradar" detection system to help us determine who the toxic people are so that we can prevent ourselves from being around them initially.
To determine if someone is a friend or a frenemy, it is important to consider how you would normally identify a friend. The results of my survey indicate that the qualities most desired in friends are trustworthiness, shared interests, being supportive when needed, having a good sense of humor, and mutual enjoyment of one another's company. I proposed the concept of constructing a "friendship house" as an assessment tool to decide who is suitable to be our friend and who isn't. The basis of your friendship house is constructed from the characteristics someone must possess in order to be considered your friend. The cornerstone of my personal circle of friends is based on mutual respect, trustworthiness, emotional balance and benevolence. Your Friendship House should be comprised of multiple rooms in order to meet the varying needs of different friends, as each will find a space within which to connect. When you get to know someone, growing from an acquaintance to a friend, they can become someone you are comfortable with and trust enough to welcome into your home because the foundation of your relationship is established. Once you have determined who your friends are, it is a simple task to decide in which room of your house they will fit best. My literary friends can be found in my library, while those I know from the internet occupy my computer room. The closest of my buddies tend to congregate around the table in my kitchen and, as one might expect, family members usually spend their time in the family room. What is absent from my friendship house is just as essential as what's present; there are no black holes to drain me, no snakes that can bite when I'm not paying attention, no backstabbers who pretend to be helpful but actually compete with me, and definitely no Queen bees that act like they're superior but really aren't.
Certain ideas about friendship that are widely accepted nowadays originated from outdated thinking, going back to the days of junior high or even further, such as the way of life portrayed in Mayberry. Mid-century notions of marriage and outdated expectations of friendship no longer reflect the realities of today, and can actually leave us more exposed to frenemies. Rather than searching for a single best friend, it is more realistic to anticipate a developing assortment of acquaintances that will form over time. It's reassuring to remember that you don't need to put all your friendships in one place and it's never too late to build meaningful connections with people. What elements will you prioritize in order to build a strong foundation for your friendship? The strong and reliable walls along with a sturdy roof signify the solid boundaries which are necessary for all healthy relationships. Only grant entry to those who bring you happiness and enhance your life, as they are an integral part of it. A well-constructed house can be your fortress, keeping you safe and sound from any adversaries or 'frenemies'. It will provide shelter, comfort and security - all essential elements when it comes to designing the perfect floor plan. When all the spaces you inhabit are filled with people who bring joy to your life, you will have banished loneliness forever. Five years ago, I was asked why my old friend and I couldn't be friends anymore. The simple response was that she had changed so drastically that there wasn't room for her in my circle of friendships any longer. If you and I were to meet, and you asked why we can't be friends, I will likely answer that perhaps we can - but keep in mind that you need to be willing to come take a look at my Tomatoes.
See also: https://mygodsentangels.com/