Joanne is the embodiment of what people typically imagine when thinking of an average Joe, only this time with a feminist twist. Joanne received a text from her co-worker while she was sitting on the couch one weekday night, asking if she'd be able to cover the Saturday night shift. Joanne's neighbor showed up at her door and asked, "Hey Joanne, since I'm going on vacation next week, would you be willing to take care of my dog while I'm away?" Joanne was even (somewhat) happy to help out when her roommate asked if she could take her charger. She looked down at her phone and saw it only had ten percent power left. Grateful, the roommate thanked Joanne for always being dependable. Joanne is a classic example of a people pleaser; someone who is incredibly kind and accommodating. It's difficult to turn down requests from them, as they devote so much of their time to help others. You can be sure that Joanne will always be available for any task you may have. This is generally seen as positive, but if taken to an extreme it can create detrimental habits and behaviors. At one point, we each have experienced being a Joanne and agreed to something we weren't thrilled with. Why do we do this? Many people use people-pleasing as a way to avoid the disapproving reactions of others, in the same way as using drugs, alcohol, food, or shopping. Oftentimes, when it comes to people pleasing, we think of it in a shallow and superficial way - like what happened with Joanne. However, this behavior can actually be much deeper and have problematic consequences for our lives that we are unaware of.
Growing up in a strict household, despite being 27 and single, has meant my mother expects me to be a mother of three already. A fact that doesn't stop her from insisting that I must be home by 10 p.m., even though I am an engineer with plenty of advanced math skills. Growing up in a very strict Muslim family, we were taught that our lives would only truly begin when we got married or when our parents no longer had interest in us. Most of us accepted this and had no issues with going along with what our parents decided for us, although ultimately this leads to codependency. Co-dependency is an emotional or psychological reliance on another for a level of comfort that goes beyond healthy boundaries. It involves relying on someone else to the point that it can negatively affect both parties involved. Codependency often gives us the excuse of not taking responsibility for our decisions because we don't trust ourselves and is an unconscious behavior that can lead to more problematic things in the future. We have been conditioned into this behavior from a very young age, where we unconsciously develop an emotional crutch on a loved one. Growing up, attending an Islamic school meant limited resources and an atmosphere of segregation, particularly for girls. To combat this boredom, my girlfriends and I started to put on comedy sketches and storytelling as a form of entertainment. This ultimately made comedy become an integral part of my identity. At university, during some of the toughest years of my life, humor played a crucial role in helping me to cope. Creating alliances through jokes and laughter was key; not only as a survival mechanism, but also to make it through engineering, one of the most demanding programs. We'd worked so hard during our semesters and those late nights spent in labs paid off; we would feel a huge sense of relief upon receiving the exam results which reflected that all the effort was worth it - proud of how much we achieved and deserving every mark, no matter if it was 54 percent or higher.
Using comedy, even as a marginalized woman, I build trust with people who may initially have their guard up when they see me. It helps to lighten the tension and create an open atmosphere. By cracking jokes, I showcase that I can converse in English - something that some may not expect of me. Two years ago during my engineering masters, I made the unexpected decision to pursue a career in stand-up comedy. A response that would likely have reflected the surprise of many; my parents' reaction was no different either. When I first decided to try out stand-up comedy, I chose to keep it a secret from my family because I wasn't sure what stand-up was and wanted to be able to explore this side of my creativity without being pressured by worrying what others would think. At the Second City Toronto, during a stand-up comedy class, the guy next to me and the girl next to him both revealed that they had been "gifted" this course by their mothers for Christmas. They were both taken aback by the coincidence. I definitely didn't receive this course as a Christmas gift from my mom - she has no idea where I am. All I told her and my dad was that I was taking a night class, but not specifying which school it was at. When everyone looks at me, this is the explanation I give.
My family were made aware that I was doing stand-up for the first time when I posted it on social media – which in hindsight, may not have been the best choice. In the podcast, we discussed my plans for the future of comedy and my first-ever performance which was witnessed by two of my friends. The thumbnail showed me and the two hosts. My father, a strict conservative Imam who also happens to be my Facebook friend, saw the post at the same time as everyone else. I knew what was about to happen the next day when I heard my dad calling my name from upstairs. He came storming down the stairs yelling for me, and I knew the two months of anticipation had paid off. I was asked "how could you take a picture with two boys?", causing me to exhale in surprise. When I was then asked what I thought engineering would be like, given that I was the only girl, I was ready to answer. He hadn't realized the magnitude of the situation until much later, whereupon he was despairing with sorrow. And from then onwards there was a never-ending chain of disputes, debates and attempts to please people. Initially it had been a shock for him but not till afterwards did he comprehend it fully. I had immense difficulty trying to persuade those I cared for, including my mom and other members of the community, that I was struggling with anxiety about the fact that they were displeased with what I was doing. Despite my best efforts I failed over and over again.
Rebelling against parents isn't necessarily the solution, but codependency is an often overlooked problem. It can be hard to break free from and has a habit of transferring onto others in our lives, such as our partners, children, or friends. This causes perpetuating issues which can follow us into the future. After not feeling emotionally and spiritually supported by my parents, I yearned for validation from others. My search was also motivated by the lack of connection with God who wasn't able to tell me "Don't worry about it; and also your sweater isn't lost, your sister just stole it." I sought validation and avoided responsibility by talking to friends, community members, siblings, and potential partners instead of having the opportunity to make my own choice. Seeing these people enabled me to escape having to choose for myself. My friend one day asked me a simple question: "Would you feel better if you quit?" Initially I was taken aback, but then I realized that the answer was "No". I wouldn't feel better if I quit because I knew this is something I wanted to do. Instead, I would feel relieved but also that I'd lost, as if by giving up on my dreams and living in the shadow of others I had failed to be true to myself. I was so upset, not because I wanted to quit, but because I rarely do any favors despite what my friend might think. For evidence, my mom can attest that the dishwasher hasn't been touched in weeks. Saying no is never an issue for me. My parents often told me that if I continued making certain decisions, I would ruin my reputation and never get married. This lead to a lot of anxiety- their own and mine. As I reflected on the situation, I realized that all the nervousness was caused by worrying about what people would think of me.
I began to think: if getting married is my parents' biggest dream and making this decision would stop me from achieving that, is there any truth in this mantra of people-pleasing? The moment someone gets married, what once had the potential to ruin their reputation, suddenly becomes the superpower that got them married. Upon further examination, it is undeniable that this phenomenon exists. People in my community often view single women who are active in sports and fitness negatively, as something unfeminine and undesirable. However, once she does get married, that same mentality shifts and it is then viewed as a positive for her being able to continue doing the things that she loves. When a girl is doing her PhD, people tend to say "Nana, you're overqualified and intimidating; narrowing your pool of options." However, when she gets married they think it's expected since she's educated and from a respectable family - "She educated someone because she's educated herself." When a girl does stand-up comedy, people often consider it undignified. However, when she gets married, her charm and wit is praised for being the qualities that attracted her partner. I still tell myself the same line every night—waiting, hoping to receive it from an unknown number when I text it to myself. These people often support one for making decisions, yet will turn against that same decision if someone else succeeds with it. Such people-pleasing behavior is hypocritical and inconsistent - a realization which made me question my own motivations. People, without fear, become heroes in their own right. Everyone has the capacity to lead a courageous life, going beyond mere basics and achieving more meaningful personal growth. By living without fear we can all find ways to help and please each other on a deeper level.
If you consider the views of those around you instead of just your own when making significant life choices, or if you use those close to you as a reason not to pursue your ambitions, then you are a people pleaser. I use this exercise to help me evaluate whether my decisions are based on what I want, or what others are expecting from me. It really helps me sift through the considerations and come to a conclusion that I'm confident about. Picturing myself fitting with my daughters twenty to thirty years in the future, I could imagine them discussing a comedian on the news. Interrupting them, I said: "You know, I could have been a comedian.” To which they replied, "Okay Mom - so why didn't you?" I often pause to contemplate all the possible answers I could give when someone asks why I didn't do something; for example, my mom said no, or I was afraid, or my community wasn't ready for it, or it was too difficult. But none of those excuse sound convincing enough in hindsight. I'm so consumed in the relationship I have with my loved ones that, honestly, I feel like I forget what is truly important to me or what it is that I actually want. Therefore, oftentimes, my urge to please those around me takes precedent over what's real. In order to become successful at making people laugh, I have been fortunate enough to learn that pleasing everyone is not necessary. Instead, I have found success from my comedy by embracing what makes me unique and not trying to fit any perceptions of what people might want me to be. The next time you encounter a decision, why not try taking the advice to really put your best foot forward? It can be helpful to think through the potential outcomes of different choices and weigh up their pros and cons. Consider how each option could affect your goals, so that you make a well-informed decision.
A really close friend of mine completed her undergrad at the same university and wanted to go back to Canada for her Master's, but her parents didn't agree, saying it was too far away and what would people say. Two years later they asked why she hadn't gone yet as she could have already got a job lined up. People pleasing doesn't grant long term satisfaction; as a result, you're better off decisions approaching decisions with genuine passion. Refrain from handing over the power of making decisions and never resent the ones who were supposed to be pleased in first place. Every one of us has an example to which we can relate. Examples that can help to remind us of the importance of being kind and understanding towards those around us. From stories shared among family members, to tales heard in our communities, these examples show how even small acts of honor to ourselves can have a big impact on others. Thinking back to a time you had to make a big decision for yourself yet decided against it — such as leaving the university program, moving away, changing jobs, venturing off abroad, marrying someone not supported by your parents, or ending an unhappy relationship— due to what you thought was for the greater good. After all, people often try to please others in hopes of making a good impression. This behavior, known as people-pleasing, can be extremely draining and ultimately futile because what makes one person happy may not do the same for another. Despite knowing this, many people struggle with it anyway due to their need for approval.
People-pleasing can be difficult to break away from, yet the liberation that comes with it does not come without a cost. Though not easy, freedom from pleasing others is worth pursuing. Shortly after I began stand-up comedy, I remember having a show with more than twenty of my friends in attendance. Unfortunately, my performance wasn't great, but it also wasn't awful. I was feeling so low after that show due to my lack of validation from not only audiences and friends, but from my own parents as well. Up until that point, I had been receiving a lot of validation from others which I heavily depended on. I had an experience with comedy once, where the audience didn't laugh and my parents disapproval almost made me quit. It left me wondering if continuing would still be worth it, even without the approval of the crowd and my family. When you fail to live up to the expectations of someone you love, it can lead to feelings of uncertainty and self-doubt. When I began my comedy career, there were a lot of struggles I had to overcome. Even today, those same battles often resurface. Every night, we tell lies to make up for our lack of decisive action. People-pleasing is not an admirable quality; it does not make us heroes or martyrs, just ordinary people. However, these lies give us a sense of solace about deciding otherwise. We understand that we have become codependent, and know we must break this cycle for our own well-being. It is more than simply wanting to achieve a higher potential, it is about taking control of our lives and finding a more fulfilling path. I came to the realization that I had come to a juncture in my life where all of my decisions were being made by other people. I first began to experience the joy of comedy all for myself. This was a completely new experience for me, having to make such an important decision by myself and knowing that I would be solely responsible for the results - it was very intimidating. We may be scared of our shortcomings, but we are far more fearful of our successes.
Is there still any hope? Yes, but it will require dedication and perseverance for us to overcome this codependency. We'll never do it completely; we shall continuously go between trying to please everyone and feeling insecure. Even today I still ponder what the reaction of people would be if they see this video online, especially my mother. Though I recognize the temptation to please others, I remain grounded by understanding that it comes from a place of fear. This feeling is weak and unproductive, as why should one live life out of fear when they could choose to live it with purpose and intent? Once I ceased seeking approval from others, I was able to become a more authentic artist. This enabled me to put forth a more sophisticated perspective on stage and give people something genuine with which they could relate. It also allowed me to accurately represent my multifaceted identity - as a Muslim woman, educated individual, extrovert, first-generation Canadian, and successful person in two male-dominated industries. When I'm sitting with my daughters in the future and they ask me why I didn't pursue my dreams, I can proudly say that I did and encourage them to do the same. Thank you for following your dreams to the end, just like me!
See also: https://mygodsentangels.com/