The things we do for love – it's something to consider. Love can make us do extraordinary things – from small everyday gestures to grand gestures of commitment and devotion. Sometimes, it takes a great amount of effort, sacrifice, and even bravery in order to show how much we truly care about our loved ones. That's just love 101 for you, though. In the hope of being loved and cared for, I have done many things: reaching out to family and friends more often, volunteering in the community, being open to express my feelings and wishes with others, showing genuine care for those around me, providing emotional support for those who need it. Some may recall moments that were a bit foolish or embarrassing, such as sending text messages late at night or feigning enthusiasm for the TV show Gilmore Girls. It can be extremely painful and humiliating to not set limits in a relationship or express one's needs and feelings, especially when there is fear of rejection. Dysfunctional relationships may involve intermittent reinforcement, where positive behaviors are sporadically rewarded, leading to confusion and uncertainty. This can result in a cycle of hope and disappointment, keeping individuals in the relationship despite unhealthy patterns. It's important to note that dysfunctional relationships such as these can take many forms and may not always exhibit all of these behaviors. However, if you recognize any of these patterns in your relationship or in a relationship of someone you care about, it may be helpful to seek support from a trusted friend, family member, or professional to address the issues and work towards healthier relationship dynamics.
Love pushes people to extremes, and in my role as a clinical psychologist I see this manifest every day - even when the relationship is actively damaging them. Psychology has recently begun to recognize the widespread issue of emotionally abusive relationships that have previously gone overlooked. As this type of abuse has gradually been acknowledged in society, the severity and prevalence of it among the population is coming to light. In Denmark and Great Britain, emotional abuse is actually illegal; however, its exact parameters are hard to identify, making it challenging to pursue legal action against the perpetrators. Proving a crime that has left no physical marks and the only witness is the victim can be most difficult. How can this be accomplished anyway? Emotional abuse is a form of maltreatment that involves the use of systematic, persistent and demeaning behavior such as humiliation, scorn and devaluation from your partner. The lack of control over one's social life and financial decisions, as well as manipulation or psychological pressure, can be signs of an otherwise unhealthy or toxic relationship. Healthy relationships should be based on mutual respect, trust, and autonomy. If you are experiencing a lack of control over your social life and financial decisions, or if you feel manipulated or pressured in any way, it's important to seek support from trusted friends, family, or professionals. It may be necessary to set boundaries, communicate your needs and concerns, and consider seeking help to navigate the situation and prioritize your well-being.
The partner may display an excessive amount of jealousy, requiring to be informed of their partner's whereabouts at all times. She is three-and-a-half times more likely to experience violence than men in Denmark, which is why when discussing this issue, it is important to use the pronoun "she" for the moment. She may be constantly reminded of her inabilities, either through explicit put-downs or more subtle ways. Rather than being expressing how smart, attractive and capable she is, people's words and actions chip away at her self-confidence. She is often made to feel like she is wrong or too sensitive when someone manipulates her with negative statements. The results of high levels of stress, anxiety and even depression can be severe. One of the most common is PTSD - post traumatic stress disorder. A person might be wondering: how could someone have ever misinterpreted this type of relationship for love? The conclusion they had come to, that they were not worthy of love and should be grateful for this kind of abuse, was incomprehensible. But to be fair, some abusive partners or individuals may use emotional manipulation and control tactics to distort the victim's perception of reality. This can involve gaslighting, where the abuser undermines the victim's reality and makes them question their own beliefs and worthiness. Over time, this manipulation can lead the victim to believe that they are not worthy of love or that the abuse they are experiencing is their fault. Therefore, it's important to remember that arriving at such beliefs is not rational or accurate, but can be influenced by a complex interplay of various internal and external factors. If someone is struggling with such beliefs, it's crucial to seek support from trusted friends, family, or mental health professionals to challenge and change these harmful thoughts and promote a healthier perception of self-worth and relationships.
In my opinion, the Attachment Theory offers the best explanation for why relationships are formed; a story ought to help illustrate this point as well. The little girl in the story was part of a family consisting of her mom, her dad and her brother. They lived in an area with a pleasant atmosphere and had a nice house. Her parents were both highly educated which contributed to her upbringing. This story is centered around a little girl and her mother who suffered from mental illness. Throughout her childhood, the girl had to witness multiple occasions where her mother was admitted for treatment. The mother experienced an array of feelings such as depression and anxiety, which upon diagnosis, were revealed to be signs of personality disorders. The father was the primary caretaker during times of ambition, working hard to provide for the physical needs of their children. Unfortunately, he was emotionally inept and unable to meet their emotional needs. He was known to be demeaning and ridiculing towards his children when they showed emotions, often telling them that they weren't good enough. The little girl's complex emotions towards her father, characterized by both admiration and anxiety, may be shaped by various factors. It's common for relationships, especially those with parents, to be multifaceted and evoke a range of emotions. It's important to note that mixed emotions towards a parent, including admiration and anxiety, are common and do not necessarily indicate a negative relationship. However, if the anxiety or negative emotions persist and impact the little girl's well-being, it may be helpful for her to seek support from a trusted adult or a mental health professional to process and understand her emotions in a healthy and constructive way.
When the girl was still just five years old, her mother got involved in a very serious traffic accident that required hospitalization. The little girl was scared, suspecting that it may have been no accident. She just couldn't get rid of the feeling that maybe she had done it on purpose. The little girl was devastated when her father decided to get a divorce; she could not bear the thought of leaving her mother and opted to stay with her instead. At five years old, this girl was already taking responsibility for her environment. Even though she often felt the weight of her parents' bad moods, she still put aside her own needs and blamed herself. Despite this, she did sometimes receive affection and love from them - they reminded her that they still cared. Of course, growing up, this girl felt uncertain about love and deeply unworthy in the end. She believed she was wrong and ugly, leading to damaging thoughts that clouded her self worth. This girl most likely will carry on this pattern into adulthood, sacrificing her own needs, blaming herself for a partner's bad mood and feeling thankful for whatever love she receives - even if it is abusive as love is inconsistent. Attachment style theory explains this cycle of behaviors. Securely attached children have many great qualities; they will become independent and self-confident adults, with strong self-esteem, who are capable of forming loving and caring relationships. On the other hand, those that are not securely attached may struggle in these areas as they grow.
In this room, there are roughly equal numbers of men and women - 250 of each. Therefore, this phenomenon is quite widespread. 63 of the women and 33 of the men will have experienced an unhealthy relationship, with some remaining in it. It is sometimes assumed that neglect is a widespread issue, particularly among the lower classes of society; however, it could be argued that this kind of neglect is not as common as some may think. Between 35 and 40 percent of the population in high-income countries such as Denmark is insecure, unattached even; having nothing to do with status. You can have a big nice house and food on the table, but no still emotional contact with the parents. It is a sizable issue, not just for individuals, but also for society as a whole. Such attachment styles tend to be carried on through generations, and they remain persistent throughout life. The good news is that it is always possible to transition from an insecure attachment style towards a more secure one. While insecure attachment styles, such as anxious or avoidant attachment, may increase the risk of certain relationship challenges, including difficulties with trust, intimacy, and communication, it does not automatically mean that an individual will end up in a psychologically abusive relationship. Relationships are complex and multifaceted, and there are numerous other factors at play, such as individual personality, values, beliefs, and life experiences that can influence an individual's choices and behaviors in relationships.
My work largely involves being with women who have been in unhealthy relationships and helping them. From my experience, I have noticed there are certain patterns they share as a result of their upbringing: they carry certain beliefs into their relationships that often end up causing harm. These women have a knack for being able to meet the needs of others and often receive recognition or even awards for their efforts, but when it comes to taking care of themselves they tend to be less successful. Sitting and understanding personal boundaries can present issues for many people; they often struggle in this area. Women who internalize have a tendency to look at themselves first when something doesn't work out, especially in relationships. They focus on finding the explanation by looking within rather than blaming it on external circumstance. A very critical inner voice is often experienced by these individuals in their abusive relationships; this inner voice is often reinforced by the environment of the relationship. These women often live in an illusion of what their relationship or man could be rather than facing the realities of what is truly happening. They envision a utopian ideal, but instead experience a distorted version of it. Many people try to save a relationship or partner from loneliness, abandonment and sadness, but that feeling is often already present in them. This deep-rooted emotion should be addressed to truly mend the connection.
A meaningful life requires a loving and caring relationship, yet some of us may have had a bad start in this area. However, I want to work towards changing that. In my work, I aid clients to comprehend their attachment style and the historic values and behavior associated with it. This helps them to become conscious of old convictions and the activities they are repeating. By understanding the dynamic of their relationships and how they contribute to it, insight and awareness can be a powerful tool for these women, enabling them to take the steps necessary to change their destructive cycle. Establishing boundaries can be difficult if you have a deep fear of being abandoned; this is almost an impossible task, actually. Accepting and understanding your own survival strategies is key for being able to do something today which will be better. Once you can accept and understand these strategies, you can make the best decisions for yourself, now and in the future. Accepting the reality of an abusive relationship can be a difficult, painful experience. It may require one to confront their own behavior in terms of avoidance and look directly at the facts of the situation.
I posed the question at the start of this, "What are you willing to do for love?" This query remains an important one because it resonates with so many people. Listening with respect is important, even when one doesn't necessarily agree with what is being said. Yes, I will try to understand my partner's feelings and motives even though at times it seems like they are only trying to annoy me. Yes, we should show affection through hugs and kisses, but we should also know when to back off when our partners need some space. Sometimes, it's important to assess what we are not willing to do for love. Although it may be hard, asking this question of ourselves can ultimately help us discern our boundaries and make better choices. I refuse to have another person disrespect me by using harsh language or derogatory names. I will not permit any person to treat me disrespectfully. I am seriously committed to setting and maintaining standards of respect, both for myself and from others. Sometimes you need to make a radical choice and break away from the usual pattern; for instance when people are trying to intimidate or threaten you, it's important that you don't let them and stand up for yourself. Saying no in such circumstances will allow you to take back control of your life.
See also: https://mygodsentangels.com/