At the age of 19, I'm currently a camp counselor in northern Minnesota for a summer camp. On one of our fun trips, I was able to experience a hayride! I'm sitting here on a beautiful night, listening to the chatting beside me. I'm unsure of how to enter the conversation and hesitating, so I remain quiet for now. Still, I'm curious as to where it's heading and if there is an opportunity for me to join in. I was being guided by a counselor towards the boys camp when all of a sudden he turns to me and pokes me with his elbow while quipping, "Hey Joan, you know what? You're boring!" Stunned, I exclaimed "Boring? What?!" She had stabbed me in the gut with a proverbial fork, twisting it as if she was stirring something inside me. Most of us have experienced gut-punch moments of our own - those times when things go wrong, hopes are dashed, and dreams are broken. Our lives are a unique mountain range of countless highs and lows which make us who we are. For me, that was a momentous occasion. It stretched far beyond the boundaries of a simple milestone; it was something special and significant for me. My psychological research was sparked by several key moments in my life. Specifically, these experiences helped me understand what really helps someone become more self-esteemed and self-confident. For 35 years, I have been deeply fascinated by dealing with unpleasant emotions and feelings. Through thousands of hours of counselling, teaching and supervising others, my knowledge and experience of this field has only grown stronger. Even today I'm still captivated by this captivating area of study.
What really holds people back is their difficulty in handling uncomfortable emotions; more than anything else, this is the core issue I have been able to identify. Although most of us have difficulties and experiences in life, nobody instructs us on how to overcome them. This can be a difficult experience as we find ourselves with no guidance in navigating the challenges we face. Who in their right mind gets excited for unpleasant feelings? It seems so silly, yet here I am - thrilled and stirred up by the very things that should be making me feel down. Feeling unpleasant emotions can be difficult, yet the capacity to move through them is invaluable for pursuing any goal. With the ability to feel those eight uncomfortable emotions, you can achieve anything you set your mind to. It's an effective technique which my colleagues and clients affectionately refer to as the Rosenberg reset: it consists of one choice, 8 feelings, and 90 seconds. By using this simple formula, you can embrace and reset your emotions in no time. Most people think that making the big choices determines our overall happiness. However, this is not necessarily true. The truth is that it's not the big decisions we make that make us truly happy in life; it's usually the little ones as well. The moment-to-moment decisions we make are what bring fulfillment to our lives. Choosing what's right and making conscious decisions are crucial for leading a happy and contented life, one that is filled with joy and satisfaction. It all comes down to the choices we make in each passing moment. From day-to-day, we often make big choices that we believe will impact our level of happiness and wellbeing. However, contrary to this belief, research shows that it is actually the small, moment-to-moment choices that determine our joy. Paying attention to your feelings rather than denying them can be liberating. Reflect on the moments when you chose to ignore your emotions instead of respecting and embracing them. That is what will set you free.
I choose to be present in the moment – living life to its fullest, embracing every second with full attention and enthusiasm. Not worrying about the past or future, but being fully engaged in the current situation. This choice to stay present can bring a sense of peace and contentment that is invaluable. Be mindful of and stay connected to what is happening in your present moment. Be aware of your feelings, thoughts and bodily sensations, as they are constantly changing. It is important to be aware of potential challenges, rather than simply avoiding them. Awareness rather than avoidance should be the key objective. I had a conversation with a colleague of mine the other day. We spoke about our plans for the upcoming project and what our goals were. The other day, I conversed with a colleague of mine regarding our aspirations for the impending project and what we wanted to achieve. Disappointment can arise in conversations with a friend, partner, or spouse. From those even closest to us, we sometimes encounter letdowns that can leave us feeling frustrated and hurt. Checking in with myself can be a process with a gentle outcome, a gentler version of myself in the end. So, did I respond in the way many of us do, such as running away or hiding, or did I simply shut down? Distraction can come in many forms, such as food, alcohol, drugs, sex, pornography, shopping and social media; some of these can be quite obvious, let alone most serious. Or, did you attempt to control or avoid those emotions with more subtle techniques like tensing up, holding your breath, clenching your teeth or swallowing hard? Or, did you choose to remain aware of your experience in the present moment, instead of slipping and sneaking away from all that? Staying fully present is the optimal choice, however it's a personal decision for you alone to make. Stay in the moment, focus all of your attention. Be mindful of what you are doing and experience everything as it happens. Don’t let your thoughts wander off into the past or plan out the future; just stay fully engaged in the present. We all possess the capability of doing this. In fact, it's achievable by everyone. A decision, a formula and a willingness are what it takes to make progress. Now the last ingredient needed is the person's determination to keep on going.
The next step is to confront and address the following pains of being sad, ashamed, helpless, angry, vulnerable, embarrassed, disappointed and frustrated. It is important to be able to manage these unpleasant feelings effectively. Feeling unpleasant and uncomfortable feelings isn't bad nor negative. In fact, many of us have these feelings and it's perfectly normal to experience them. There is no need to view them as bad; just as unpleasant and uncomfortable. Going forward, can we agree then that you will adjust your diction more carefully and no longer express or encourage negative feelings? The changes ahead are not going to be enjoyable or positive – they will be difficult and uncomfortable. Nevertheless, it is a crucial transformation. We may strive to avoid the wide range of difficult emotions that come with life, but ultimately it is more beneficial to embrace them. These feelings, no matter how hard they may seem, provide us with valuable growth opportunities and teach us the most important lessons we can learn in life. We are worried that, should they begin, there will be no end to them, potentially leading to an unsustainable level of intensity that could overpower us. Additionally, we fear our lack of control could result in a loss of power over the situation. The significance of these feelings cannot be understated as they are too important to be so. They are foundational components that form the basic structure on which many other things can be built upon and operate around. They serve as a platform for progress, stability, and success in countless endeavors. Our capacity to work through our unpleasant feelings is pivotal to having a sense of capability in the world and feeling emotionally strong. Thus, it is essential for us to understand the importance of being able to take on and accept difficult emotions. We often feel a combination of emotions simultaneously such as disappointment and anger. However, it isn't possible to experience all eight emotions at one time. Instead, we generally feel either one or several emotions at any given moment; which seems like the better scenario. Experiencing and navigating through feeling sad, ashamed, helpless, angry, vulnerable, embarrassed, disappointed and frustrated; can really help establish a growing sense of confidence and emotional strength. Moving through those unpleasant emotions can be difficult but possessing the strength to do so will positively impact your overall outlook.
So, whenever an emotional feeling gets triggered, neuroscientists suggest chemical changes occur in our bloodstream which activate physical sensations. This biochemical rush is commonly referred to as "moving through", a process in which the chemicals produced by the brain flush through our body. Our emotional feelings are first registered in our bodies as physical sensations and it doesn't feel pleasant. This is extremely important to remember. Our physical sensations are actually the first hint of our emotional feelings. This is something that should be taken into account, as our body can often provide us with important insight into what we are feeling inside. We want to distance ourselves from this rather distressing warning sign and focus our attention elsewhere. What we usually need is a distraction away from this situation. Actually, we absolutely want to experience all emotions; it's not that we don't desire the emotional connection. We want to feel everything - joy, pain, sadness and anything else! It's just that we don't desire sensations that physically alert us to our emotions; rather, we would prefer not to feel them. Unpleasant feelings such as fear, anxiety, insecurity, and even regret may be preventing you from moving forward. But then again, these same worries may also be holding you back from feeling happy and achieving your goals. Stop and notice where in your body you might be experiencing the feeling, even if you may have to pause myself to recognize it. If you ever have feelings that you don't ever want to experience again, it's important to actually move towards and embrace them. Don't ignore them, for they may be able to teach you something valuable. Embarrassment, disappointment and vulnerability all delivered gut-punching realizations for me. Difficult to come to terms with, the emotional deep-dive was still an experience I had to accept.
The key to successful emotional management is to ride the wave: anticipating change can give you the edge. Being able to recognize when a situation or trend is shifting, and quickly adjusting your approach, can be hugely beneficial. Being able to think ahead, take calculated risks and seize opportunities can ensure that you stay ahead of the competition. Feelings are fleeting - the biochemical rush that occurs in the body lasts between 60 to 90 seconds and can be thought of as a wave. When this wave is set off, it's over in a short amount of time, reminding us that our emotions aren't everlasting. From our brains to our bloodstreams and then dissipating, the amount of time it takes for a nerve impulse to travel is 60-90 seconds. No problem! Sixty to ninety seconds is barely more than a blink of an eye. Not only can all of us manage feeling anything just for that much time, but it's less than the length of half a song anyway! The beach is like a metaphor for life - the waves coming up to shore can vary from tumultuous to mild, depending on your particular situation. And as you walk along the shoreline, you can notice and appreciate the different stages of life that come with it. As we walk along the shoreline, we can see that the waves remain still for a bit, before gradually dying away. It's as if they briefly linger before fading away. Our feelings too can cause us a lot of tumult, or be more moderate and mild, just as waves do. No matter how powerful they may seem at times, however, they will always subside. In fact, that is the beauty of the phrase "Always subside": our feelings come and go in waves, lingering only for a moment before dissipating. It's not just one wave; rather, multiple waves of feelings can be experienced when we recall the same memory. Specifically, whenever we think about a certain memory, we will always fire off an approximate wave. Grief is another powerful and complex emotion, composed of feelings such as anger, sadness and disappointment. Those who have experienced a loss are often overwhelmed by grief's unpredictable waves. Though these tumultuous experiences may seem difficult to cope with, we must remember that these waves will eventually pass.
Stay present with the experience, and ride out those ninety-second waves however you wish. Just let them come and go on their own terms, without trying to alter or control them. In the moment, you'll be filled with a comforting sense of peace and quiet. There will be a feeling of balance and relaxation that accompanies it. It is anticipated that our exploration will yield results, and subsequent to its conclusion, we will be able to share the insights with you. Therefore, what lies ahead is the expectation that our examination will provide conclusions and discoveries worth noting; an anticipation of uncovering findings in the near future. With regular practice, it may even be possible to break away from old-life stories. Consistency is the key here; with dedication, you can keep rewriting your narrative and gain distance from any negative emotional issues stemming from history. I have heard incredible stories of people who through courage and perseverance have been able to achieve amazing things like healing broken relationships and achieving personal goals. These remarkable stories bring me great joy. But the most important benefit people could ever experience is feeling more comfortable in their own skin. This comes after they come back and tell me how they've been positively affected by my help. That moment when I was called "boring" felt like a low point in my life; it turned out to be an incredibly transformative experience for me. It has even allowed me to help expand and improve the lives of thousands of even more people. The next time you're feeling something unpleasant, don't shy away from it - get excited about giving yourself the opportunity to really be YOU. Embrace your emotions and take them as a chance to explore and discover who you are. Let those feelings direct you towards becoming the most authentic version of yourself. Experience and stay present in those waves. Surf them fully without distractions. Fully experience the moment with presence. In just a moment from now, beginning right away, you can be on your way to achieving success; no need wait for years or even a day either. Thank you for making the most of the moment right now.
See also: https://mygodsentangels.com/