Good afternoon. It is a pleasure to give another TED Talk and today I'm going to talk about an idea that has made a huge impact on my life - and potentially yours too. This concept could possibly give you an enormous difference in how you live your life. I have devoted a large portion of my life to understanding people and their behavior. Studying human beings has been the focus of most of my life. I was also the youngest of four siblings when I was growing up, so consequently I often found myself observing my brothers and sisters’ mishaps and difficulties; this enabled me to develop strategies to prevent getting into similar situations myself. Training as a physician has been incredibly fortunate for me. Medical training provides an unparalleled opportunity to be up close and personal with human suffering of all levels on a daily basis. Witnessing people passing away in front of me is truly profound. I've been present in a room when life enters the world - delivering babies, including three of my four sons, one of whom is at the back now. "Hi, son!" "Hi, dad!" Medical training was a fantastic experience that set me on the path to becoming a researcher – initially an immunologist. I studied how white blood cells, which use clever adhesion molecules, roll along the inside of our blood vessels and squish between endothelia cells in order to fight infection down at a micro level. I also had the good fortune of examining the underlying social dynamics and networks inside some of the largest multinationals and big companies worldwide, with their CEOs and other top leaders. These networks are crucial determinants in a company's success or failure. But one question produced from my entire training experience, has tormented me even while I was helping elite athletes win gold medals: what is that one thing I can teach myself, my children, or anybody else? After much thought, I want to share this one thing with you that I've learned and comprehended - it's the most valuable lesson of all.
Before discussing the topic, I'd like to go back and explore the story of you - think about a time before you even knew of your own existence. Do you remember that? At approximately one year old, when a child looks in the mirror and notices their hand moving with their own movement, there is a moment of realization that results in physical awareness; an understanding that they are an individual entity. This is a beautiful moment to witness as it marks growth and maturity. At the age of two, children haven't yet established a connection with their emotional self. As a result, they tend to go through the "terrible twos." This is because when they are hungry (or any other feeling), it consumes them and they mistakenly believe that everyone else is feeling the same way too. In the supermarket, it's a very common and irritating occurrence: "Mom, that, me, food, me, me, food," as the children demand attention and does not understand the realization yet that their emotions are not shared with yours. Eyes streaming red, a child walks down the supermarket aisle in frustration and rage, all because they couldn't get what they want - yet they turn to you in complete bafflement and their eyes hold a thousand yard stare: "Why aren't you crying? We're hungry; we want those chocolates." The recognition of one's emotional self, independent from the parent or caretaker, is an essential step in growing up. It marks the beginning of being able to recognize and process our own feelings, allowing us to make progress in maturing. From two to three years old, children begin to develop a sense of separation from others; both physical and emotional.
This is followed by the "conceptual self" emergence between three and six years old. Within this age range, they start developing a sense of identity and consciousness which blossoms over time. Language is essential for the emergence of conceptual self as it allows us to label our universe and make sense of it. Every day between the ages of three and six, children acquire an astounding six new words. This helps them to navigate their environment and develop further concepts about their world. From the fourth level of consciousness - concrete consciousness - onwards, people start to learn and understand the rules that govern core concepts. Why is a dog different from a cat? Why is a mummy different from a daddy? It all begins to make sense when individual kids understand the rules that define these terms. At the six-nine year old age range, the fun truly begins. If you happen to be speaking with a seven-year-old, why not have some playful fun by going against what is "common knowledge"? For example, saying that cats go "woof-woof" rather than meow! Between the ages of six and nine, children develop a sense of rule emergence that can be amusing when looking at the boundary-breaking "rules". By playing against conventions and acting in unexpected ways, kids can evoke laughter which is most common in those ages. Most of the people you're likely to encounter between the age of 20 - 40 display immature, childlike behavior - a trait which is very common. This manifests itself in throwing tantrums and exhibiting irrational reactions alike. At the beginning of their teenage years, many teens try to step outside of what is expected from them and experiment with the rules. Although it might cause conflict and be viewed negatively, this process is a healthy part of development, so parents should not discourage it. You and your teenage children clash over your differing opinions - while you insist they be home at ten, they request to come back later at eleven. You demand honesty of them yet your own honesty is questionable, thus sparking a battle between us that rages across your children's tumultuous teenage years. Regardless of the outcome of this battle between parents and children, it tends to last for a few years. Eventually though, they will leave home - hopefully - no matter who was victorious in said battle.
Society, a much bigger parent, imposes its rules and interferes with our lives. We may have our own plans and ideas of how to lead our lives, but society can dictate the rules we must abide by and therefore influences the way we live. We often return to the status quo; believing that we must get a degree, job, relationship, car and house in order to be seen as successful. Following these rules, we start out at a company and strive to progress up the ladder. All of this is done in adherence to the rules established by society. At a company, there are many people who find themselves following a set of routine activities. They often talk about having distinct roles and positions: with one person being the Chief Executive and another the Chief Financial Officer; that’s just how things are done around there. Oftentimes, without our consent in decisions greater than ourselves, we're unconsciously abiding by a set of unspoken rules that have been imposed upon us by our parents or the society at large. These preset regulations are something we will likely continue to abide by throughout the entirety of our lives - not even recognizing that they are there. A lucky few have crises in life that prompt them to ask questions of the status quo. Often it's a tragedy like loss of a loved one or relationship that occurs most commonly during midlife. But not everyone experiences such events, and even if they do, not everyone is moved to ponder their situation with fresh eyes. The "disease of meaning" appears when you realize something is wrong with the life you expected. You thought that following all the appropriate rules and becoming a "good corporate citizen" (that is, getting a good job, house, paying tax) would bring everlasting joy and happiness - yet it has not. People with this "disease of meaning" often experience a type of real pain which is comparable to the concept of purgatory - or in other words, literal "hell on earth". Consequently, they can become unpleasant and negative, as they are suffering and trying to cope with their emotional distress.
The first strategy to dealing with the existential pain of life is anesthetic - a solution much loved by students – as it alleviates the need to think about the meaning of life if they are "wasted" on a Friday night. By blotting out this question, it gives temporary relief from the pain. When people try to escape their worries by partying and getting wasted every night or every weekend through alcohol and drugs, they find that the problem remains unsolved when the hangover dissipates; the question persists. A person must be wise to recognize that using numbing agents will not provide a solution. Distraction is another strategy to cope with an unanswered question. One way of distracting oneself would be by becoming a gym bunny. Going to the gym allows one to forget their question and experience the endorphin-kicks, but when away from the gym, the question remains unanswered. Another common strategy many people use to avoid thinking about the meaning of their life is having sex. This can be a distraction because when one is engaged in an intimate sexual union, they are too preoccupied with the act to think about the question. However, once the activity has concluded, those worried thoughts often resurface. To counteract this anxiety some people become even more desperate and increase their number of partners or engage in group sex as a means of escape from these troubling questions. If sex isn't enough to bring lasting happiness, one can turn to material possessions like shoes, cars, houses and yachts as an alternative. Shopping is a way to bring temporary joy and these items of luxury often do the trick. Materialism, workaholism and the tendency to avoid considering important questions are very common in industry. People become addicted to working as they find it difficult to think beyond their everyday tasks. This mechanism relieves them from having to think about difficult questions.
The solution to the problem we are facing cannot be found externally; this is another problem in and of itself. Our sense of emptiness and unrest need an internal solution: one that comes from within us. We mistakenly believe that the problem and the solutions exist outside of ourselves; however, this is not true. Most of us tend to be completely oblivious to our emotions. Whenever we hear the word "emotions," a sense of aversion kicks in and we move far away from it. But, instead of looking outside for solutions, it is far better to look within; to pay special attention to our internal emotional state. Emotions are simply energy in motion; they are complex physiological reactions that involve several body systems. Our hearts beat faster, palms sweat, and muscles become tense – all of these stereotypical energetic patterns compose the energy that we experience as emotions. Even us fellows have them happening to us every single second of every single day! Our feelings are our awareness of the energy that is always present but not always felt. We can, however, become stuck by not truly understanding and recognizing our own emotions. Therefore, learning to understand our emotional life is an imperative journey we must all take. We often attribute our emotions to those around us; believing that their actions directly affect how we feel moment by moment. Expressions such as "You annoyed me", "You made me unhappy" and "You did it to me" demonstrate this tendency of blaming others for our own emotional state. Nobody has to make you feel frustrated or down though; it's your own response to other people's behavior. It's not like someone reached out and injected frustration chemicals into you, created electrical signals of frustration or pressure waves of sound. It's all coming from inside yourself. Accepting that it's you, not them, is the threshold to ownership. Crossing this threshold is the most important transition you'll ever make in your life. When you recognize and own up to your actions instead of blaming others or feeling like a victim, it makes all the difference.
First and foremost, it is important to understand where you are emotionally. To aid in this, you need to understand the universe of emotions you find yourself in. This will enable you to effectively navigate through complex emotional states. Most people go through life without experiencing the full range of emotions - there are a whopping 34,000! If we conducted a test in this room and asked everyone to write down their current emotions within five minutes, the average would be around ten to twelve. In our emotion universe, the axes consist of energy at the top and relaxation at the bottom, with positivity to the left and negativity to the right. To help people know where they are, we've built an app that plots all emotions on a map – giving a visual representation of this emotion universe. As we talk, you're somewhere on an emotion grid with 20 of the most common emotions that represent your current state. But we can go further and crowd source dynamic experiences of the full 34,000 emotions with our app. To begin with, we've mapped 2,000 emotions as a starting point. Traveling through one of the 64 galaxies available, you can start navigating and understanding your place amongst different emotions. This will be important when it comes to not feeling lost; because if you don't have an understanding, you could be easily lost in all the galaxies.
It is essential for any person (be it a sportsperson or a leader) to gain control of their own emotional state in order to foster success, health, and overall well-being. Without understanding one's current emotional condition, controlling and managing feelings becomes impossible; therefore it is necessary to gain understanding first. At the outset of your journey, knowing which planet you're on is of utmost importance. This can be easily done as there's a corner in the top displaying your whereabouts in the universe at any given moment - helping you along the way! Starting with the universe, let's zoom in to the solar system of Sociable and explore its planets. We can track where we are and make some notes while gradually navigating towards different parts of the universe. That way, we can find our route without losing track of our current location. I felt popular today as people offered me various messages. You can record your feelings of popularity and share it with your friends on social media platforms like Facebook, Twitter or Gmail. Additionally, you can check who else is in the solar system of Sociable or even planet Popular by tracking its audit trails. Gaining a grasp of the universe starts with finding out which planet you are on and learning about the nearest planets. Knowing how to move around, as well as developing navigational skills to enable interplanetary travel, will help you get an even greater understanding of this expansive space. Navigational potential helps to build an emotional repertoire that goes beyond simply feeling "yuck" or "OK". This gives people more than two feelings to work with, enabling them to navigate around different emotions in order to find the best antidote for whatever situation they are in. Once you've begun to explore the universe, the next step is to determine if the feelings that you experience are helpful or harmful. When you reach a more positive planet, ask yourself if the emotion you experience will be beneficial to your journey. Can you remain on this more positive planet? Mastery is a separate maneuver that requires you to take the subjective emotion that has got hold of you and make it an experience below your conscious awareness. This way, you can gain control over the emotions and make them serve you. If you have difficulty controlling anger, it's often because you have become a subject to it. To gain control, you must first distance yourself from the feeling— accept that it is simply “anger" rather than an experience inside of you. This can help transcend negative feelings and maintain a more positive outlook.
Emotions can have a huge impact on your health, performance, wellbeing, fulfillment, decisions and motivation. If you want to transform your life forever, it is essential to cultivate knowledge and control of your own emotions. Otherwise, navigating life is akin to playing a game of chance - which leaves much to be desired! If you're thinking about changes in your life, ask yourself: What planet do I currently inhabit and what planet would I like to be on? Planning ahead, committing to the latter and taking steps to get there will take you further than wherever life has taken you. In this fantasy world, we would have the ability to journey across worlds and galaxies of our choosing; giving us all the opportunity to explore whichever planet, solar system or galaxy we desire. Imagine a world where it would be easy to confidently approach that attractive person at the bar, without having to drink four pints of Dutch courage first. A world free of fear and anxiety; where children don't have to worry about being bullied in school, and adults have no fears during job interviews or exams. That is the world we are dreaming of and striving for. By using emotions as an advantageous tool, you can dramatically change your lifestyle. To reach this goal, consider what kind of environment and realm suits you best, and then find yourself in that part of the universe where your desires lie. Leveraging the power of emotions opens up countless possibilities.
See also: https://mygodsentangels.com/