I'd like to introduce you to these five chairs — they are the protagonists of my talk. These chairs are the real stars here today! In every moment, our behaviors and attitudes are sending a special message out into the world. This message shows how we interact with and respond to all those around us. Given the importance of our own relationship, I sought to build a stronger connection with my partner's 20-year-old daughter. Let me share an experience of my own to demonstrate what I mean. The Blue Note Jazz Club in Milan was the perfect setting for a special evening out, just the two of us. I had one specific musical act in mind - my favorite jazz group, the Manhattan Transfer. That night, they were playing at Blue Note and it turned out to be a night to remember! The atmosphere was absolutely terrific – and I, being a baby boomer who adores music, just loved it! As we got to know each other better, I wondered, "I'm having a great time here – is she too?" I was curious to find out what she was doing, so when I looked over at her – there it was: she had her iPhone in her hand.
Given the situation, I faced a few decisions. I had to decide how to react; what steps should I take? Should I take the easy road and maintain status quo, or go out on a limb and make changes? Should I continue down my path as if nothing had happened or re-evaluate my approach? I first thought to myself, "I put a lot of effort and expense into arranging an amazing evening for her, and after just two minutes I turn around to find she's already on her phone. Excuse me - just what is she doing? This generation has an incredibly short attention span - like that of a fruit fly, for goodness sake! What is wrong with them?" Then I got a second opinion such as, "I should not have brought her here; she obviously is not enjoying herself. This environment clearly isn't her thing - the music isn't to her liking, and she's bored. Oh, God! What was I thinking? why would she like the music I chose for tonight? It's certainly not the kind of thing her generation knows about; she must think I'm a dinosaur." My third choice considered to tackle the problem was, "Don't assume anything without gathering the facts. Take a few breaths and count to ten; it's best not to rush into judgement. Just remain calm and take it easy; perhaps you could have another beverage while you allow her time to finish whatever she's doing on her phone." Of course, somebody optimistic like me could still think, "I am hoping that tonight will be special and she will feel comfortable enough to open up to me; I want her to understand that I am always available if she needs me. That is the most important thing for me this evening."; and I did think of my approach like that. Lastly I thought, "I really want to understand her better and build a connection; what do I need to do for that? What matters most to her currently? What's happening in her world?" I was having a difficult time attempting to solve that query; however I eventually figured it out once my daughter responded in return. My daughter was amazed first when she looked up the Blue Note in Milan and uttered to me, "Did you know this is the only Blue Note in Europe? And there are two more in Japan and one in New York. The Italians have it - that's incredible!" She also exclaimed incredulity when she discovered that the Manhattan Transfer have been singing and performing together for a whopping 40 years. She had done her research and was impressed by their longevity. "Take a look," she said finally, handing me her iPhone. On Facebook, she had posted this message: "The best night ever at the Blue Note in Milan - with Manhattan Transfer and Louise!"
I had a near miss; I could have really ruined it by sending her an unapproving look from where I was sitting. My expression could have caused her to start thinking about me in a negative light, like "Louise is controlling, difficult and not easy to be around". Thankfully though, that didn't happen. No way was that my goal. In fact, absolutely not - it was the opposite of what I meant to do. She was completely engaged in our reality, multitasking through her digital ways. In fact, she was enhancing our reality even further in her own way. That beautiful moment that we were creating together could have been destroyed in milliseconds - so, let's be careful like I was. We constantly make decisions about the actions that we choose to perform. From small, ordinary decisions like what to have for breakfast, to monumental life-changing choices such as relocating for a job opportunity; we are always choosing behaviors that heavily influence our lives and those of others around us. The choices we make have a significant effect on our conversations and relationships, as well as the quality of life overall. Every decision has an impact, ranging from the words we speak to who we spend time with. At a practical level, what then can we do to help ourselves be more conscious of our behaviors? Education systems do not often include guidance in how to behave well, so how can we take it upon ourselves to build up this knowledge?
The extraordinary Marshall Rosenberg, founder of the nine-day course in nonviolent communication, had a profound impact on my life after I attended. His idea of the five chairs has been instrumental in helping me to better understand the concepts of peace and communication. At work, I wanted to make sure that I addressed the message I had heard - so as a coach, facilitator and trainer, my focus was primarily on this. In the workplace, we often experience emotions ranging from joy and enthusiasm to fear and anxiety. Unfortunately, these same environments can also create a breeding ground for some of our most questionable, even toxic behaviors. Using five chairs as a tool for slowing down in every moment, I would like to explain each of the chairs more closely. The aim is to help us evaluate our behavior and the circumstances we are in. The chair with the red hue is infamously known as the jackal chair. This is because these clever and opportunistic creatures perpetually look for any chance to pounce on something. Accordingly, this particular seat is highly known as the spot where most misbehavior takes place. In this chair, we are all too familiar with blaming, complaining, punishing and gossiping; however, the most common activity here is undoubtedly judging. I challenge you to take part in a mental diet – observe people without passing judgement. Spend one hour with them and be mindful of your thoughts. When someone arrives, instead of instigating an instant opinion, practice being in the moment and getting to know them before forming any assumptions.
This chair here is not just a judging chair, but it can also be used as the perfect spot to play the "I'm right" game, which I thoroughly enjoy! However, my brother gave me some feedback and now I don't do it as often. My mother loves to exaggerate, and as a result, we would often have a back-and-forth when it came to the size of our family gatherings. For example, she would say that there were 30 people present but I would promptly correct her by pointing out that it was actually only 13. "It doesn't matter," my brother said, touching my arm. I reacted immediately as the policewoman of the situation, firmly stating that "Of course it matters! She's wrong and needs to be corrected for her own good." From then on, I always looked at my mother's opinions with a different perspective; instead of viewing them as exaggerations, I saw them as overflowing with love. He made this clearer to me when he said, "Do you want to be in a relationship with your mother or do you want to be right?" Rather than focusing on what is wrong with others, Mother Teresa suggests that we should use our time to love and appreciate people. "The more we judge people," she said, "the less time we have to love them." Let us take a moment in this chair to remember her words and focus on the positive.
When it comes to the hedgehog chair - the yellow one, it is often said that when we behave like hedgehogs, feeling vulnerable and needing protection from a possibly hostile world, we exhibit a natural instinct to curl up and hunker down. This yellow chair is the tool we use to "mercilessly judge ourselves". By sitting in it, we can turn our attention inward and examine our thoughts and behaviors in a critical manner. I cannot seem to make myself believe that I am intelligent enough for this. It can be difficult to stay positive when nobody appears to have faith in me. We often fear being rejected, disappointing, and failing - so much so that it can make us feel like we're victims, believing "nobody cares for me, nobody loves me." That's why it's important to take a step back and try to recognize our fears instead of letting them control us. Hardly anybody admits their weaknesses so it is quite difficult to do. Asking managers where they spend the most of their time can help uncover those potentially hidden weaknesses. To be able to reach this understanding, we need not only courage but also an open discussion even in companies. Despite the fact that we all face self-doubt, how do we respond to it? Do we concede and surrender or make the attempt to look for resources that could assist us in progressing and learning? I would rather make a choice for the latter. The ability to observe ourselves without judging is, according to Krishnamurti, the highest form of intelligence. This understanding can help us gain valuable insight into our actions and motivations.
When it comes to the meerkat chair, the mindset is quite unique. You may not be too familiar with meerkats if you are from Italy, but they are really something to behold. When on lookout for potential predators, a meerkat can keep incredibly vigilant for an hour - moving nothing except its head! We pause and stop when seated in the WAIT chair, W-A-I-T. Taking a deep breath, we become mindful and conscious of our thoughts while observing what is passing through our mind. What exactly do I know about anyone already? We should become very curious when someone gets angry, prompting us to ask "why?" instead of responding with something along the lines of "Would you just grow up already?" Our curiosity can always leads us to feel an interest in the person's feelings and emotions. This important quote from Nietzsche relates to this chair: "No one right or only way exists; we each have our own way." Choose between the red pill or the blue pill - it's up to you. Here we have a decision to make. We progress into a successful life when we are able to make wise decisions; the Sliding Door Chair gives us the opportunity to do just that.
Why do we engage in detect when we come to this chair, the chair of detection? It is because we wish to become the detective of ourselves and uncover hidden truths about our behaviors, much like Sherlock Holmes. We use a magnifying glass to closely analyze patterns and choices - essentially putting ourselves under a microscope - in an effort to learn and better understand who we are. This chair is beautiful because it enables us to become more self-aware. We have an understanding of our true identities, ambitions, and goals that we are not afraid to express. It allows us to be confident in ourselves and recognize the path we want to take in life. However, we establish and protect our boundaries while sitting in this chair. We must remember that we possess a great strength and should relinquish it to others in need. We give up our power, allowing us to be free. Growing in this newfound freedom, we can confidently express ourselves without being aggressive or oppressive. By unlocking our full potential, our true self emerges. "Wisdom starts by understanding oneself," Aristotle once said. Embarking on this lifelong journey of self-discovery is essential for a fulfilling life. The dolphin stands out to me due to its incredibly joyful personality, smartness, and graceful communication skills. It exemplifies the best part of ourselves as humans making it hard not to admire the creature, nor to also nickname the chair of detection the dolphin chair.
The giraffe chair is a beautiful piece that is also quite difficult to make. Did you know the giraffe has the biggest heart of any land animal and its neck gives it incredible vision? With its large heart and long neck, this majestic creature provides proper inspiration for this unique piece of furniture. In this chair, we demonstrate our empathy, compassion, and understanding. By doing so, we put our own ego and needs aside so that we can truly hear what the other person is saying. We strive to create a space of care and respect for the speaker. Understanding somebody else by stepping into their shoes is a generous act. This was something that Abraham Lincoln believed strongly and so famously said, “I don't like that man. I must get to know him better.” This chair invites us to explore different perspectives, to appreciate alternate realities, to celebrate diversity, and ultimately to become more tolerant. The most important question I can ask of the person in front of me is: What is important to him or her? The focus of this chair is to remain connected no matter what, no matter the circumstances. It is part of the intention that comes with owning it.
We can use these philosophical chairs in our daily lives; they offer a range of uses depending on what we need them for. From providing comfortable seating during meals and leisurely conversations, to enabling concentrated working sessions or providing the perfect rest spot, the chairs provide an adaptable option for any situation. Well, it's a great feeling when your presentation goes well and you leave feeling satisfied. However, sometimes things don't go as planned in meetings and we can find ourselves slumped in our chairs with disappointment. Every day, it is a challenge to find balance between contemplation and action. If we are just sitting still, life can become unhappy and stagnant, yet if we are actively engaging in activities of thought, troubleshooting, rationalizing, intelligence, and being reflective; it leads to greater insight and happiness. Viktor Frankl's words from his book Man's Search for Meaning moved me deeply: "The last of human freedoms is the ability to choose our attitude towards any set of circumstances, no matter how bleak it may be." It is an incredibly uplifting thought. When your patience is running short, come and take a seat in this chair and take a moment to think through your words or actions. Whether it's snapping at your children, arguing with your partner, or punishing someone at work - it could be beneficial to instead approach the situation with intentionality. If, by some twist of fate, we find ourselves in a situation where apologizing is necessary - which happens quite often; can we summon the strength to express our remorse and resolve any disagreements that may have occurred? My invitation is for you to take home these chairs. Experiment with them, and make them your own. Show your children and watch how they understand it quickly. Put five of these chairs in the boardroom of your workplace and observe how meetings become more efficient. When you're confronted with a difficult situation, remember: five chairs, five choices. The next time somebody pushes one of your red buttons, think about the possibilities available to you and make your decision accordingly. Committing ourselves to making positive changes in our homes, workplace and this world, can we take it upon ourselves to strive for a better future? Thank you for changing, one chair and one behavior each at a time.
See also: https://mygodsentangels.com/