Eight years ago, my husband, our son and I had the opportunity to travel to China. The purpose was to bring home an 18-month-old girl from an orphanage living there. With much joy and anticipation, we welcomed her into our family. We immediately felt an affection for her when we first encountered her, seeing how a quiet, collected - but guarded - little bundle she was. We had expected some transition issues, and unfortunately these included several sleepless nights, when welcoming our new child into our home. Additionally, we noticed certain developmental delays, as can often be the case for children who have lived in an institutional setting. Her fine motor skills, communication abilities, and impact from spending her early years in an institution began to improve due to occupational and speech therapy interventions. Over time, these developmental interventions showed results, resulting in even better functioning. We were confused by some of the behaviors we noticed; such as, at night there was screaming and dramatic emotional outbursts, along with running away from us during powerful displays of emotion. So we started to wonder, what else could be the cause? Our social worker had warned us about the great change for a child who goes through an international adoption. We empathized with how it must feel, being taken out of their known home and going to another country where they are now supposed to be with what were essentially strangers, but are now their parents and siblings.
We wanted to find out if something else was going on, and an example of what occurred next provides evidence for this. So, we looked deeper into the situation to see if there was more happening than what initially met the eye. After my maternity leave, I gradually returned to part-time work. We had decided that it would be great for our daughter to attend the same preschool that my son had gone to, as it was very loving and nurturing. It was hard for me to leave her there, however I had to do it as I was only planning to be away for a couple of hours. So, on the first day of leaving her, I dropped her off then sadly departed. When I returned, something big had shifted in a subtle yet powerful way - and I was totally unprepared for it. The look in her eyes when I returned gave me an understanding: it wasn't one of joy or anger that I had gone. Rather, it just told me everything. The look she had when I returned was one that I can only describe as a mixture of surprise and shock; as if she had already accepted that I was going to leave her, but then suddenly, here I was back again. It was like she needed to quickly switch to the next stage of her life already. In an instant, I realized that my newly adopted daughter must have possessed a set of innate capabilities that had been aiding her for successful survival. This knowledge she had seemed to be implicit, rather than explicitly studied.
Talking to other adoptive parents, I realized that many of them were facing similar emotion challenges. This prompted me to take a closer look at the subject and investigate further. I started working with families of all kinds, from all walks of life, to understand their children. Surprisingly, I found many commonalities amongst these families – despite not having any kids from an orphanage. The parents of this one child had to work long hours, so they put the child with another family for several years. During this time, the child barely saw their parents; in fact, usually only for a few days every couple of weeks. In Hong Kong, there were children who were born of mainland mothers and due to immigration restrictions, their mothers had to return to the mainland leaving the child in care of their father and a succession of domestic helpers; as a result, they rarely saw their mother. The sorrowful experience of children who faced domestic violence, coupled with their parent going to prison for this heinous crime, added a heavier burden in their young lives. Upon release from prison, the child was expected to reunite with the same person who had initially inflicted such harm and anguish upon them. All these children experienced disruptions in their early attachment, a theme that was unfortunately common among them.
The children I saw had a tendency to shut down and become unresponsive when they struggled to cope with unbearable emotions. Patterns soon became visible; they weren't able to manage the intensity of their feelings. Children who had never been taught boundaries would get close to just about anyone. They did not understand that there were people it was appropriate to get close to, and people that this was not advisable with. Likewise, kids who had emotional outbursts and could not control their behavior were another common sight. This difficulty was their only way of being, as they lacked the ability to better express themselves otherwise. Those same kids would eventually become adults, and it's incredible to see how far they will have come! Many young people don't know how to cope with the intense emotions they are experiencing, leading them to becoming adults who rely on substances such as alcohol, drugs and screens for distraction - online gambling, porn website or just the internet in general. Adults can put themselves in risky positions, as they often struggle to distinguish between those who are reliable and those who are not. They fail to learn from past experiences, meaning they may unknowingly get close to people that could compromise their safety. People who are emotionally out of control may struggle with difficult behaviors due to their lack of control. Adults who also experience this can find themselves in a cycle of destructive behavior that is hard to overcome.
I have little judgment for the parents whose circumstances were the catalysts for their children's situations; however, I understand that sometimes parents are faced with tough choices that affect their family. The parents had to make difficult, complex decisions in order to provide the best for their children. Despite the hardships brought upon them by the circumstances, they did what they thought was right for the kids. When asked why they made such arrangements, most parents would likely answer that it was all for the children's sake. Parents may have done it for their daughter so she would have better opportunities and for their son so he would have a more stable environment. They might also have had no other choice than to do the best they could for their own survival. Many people may say that this was done out of necessity, but ultimately it was their decisions alone. But still, it is the children who were left with difficult questions such as "Why were they not wanted?" "What had caused their parents to leave them?" They probably would have wondered what could be wrong with them. Yet the questions they asked and answered for themselves were heartbreaking in particular: "Am I bad?", "Am I unlovable?", "Can I trust others?", "Can I cope?", "Is the world safe?", "Do I need to be in control?" and, worst of all, "Am I the worst person in the world?" My nine-year-old daughter recently reviewed my PowerPoint presentation and said, "Mom, this one has to be on there too! This self-doubt question of 'Am I the worst person in the world?'"
I don't know if the parents, had they known of the scars their children would suffer due to these experiences, would have made the same choice; I just know that it's not up to me to judge. I can give the following advise on parenting to my readers though: parents and caregivers need to be aware that raising a child is not as simple as dropping off a piece of baggage at an airport and picking it up again at another, for early childhood is merely a beginning. Establishing harmonious family relationships requires active work in order for the "baggage" of respect and trust to arrive in its pristine condition and proper destination. Some of you might think that children are too young to remember anything, but that's not true. In fact, memories formed during childhood can last a lifetime. Do children remember? Yes, actually: although they may not be able to tell us what they remember at a young age, their bodies do. Verbal memory is not the only way we can be sure that children recall information; rather it's their physical reactions which tell us that they do remember. When children experience attachment disruptions in the form of attacks early on, their brains become wired to expect that danger is always nearby. This kind of distress at a young age can have long-lasting effects. The amazing brain has the ability to change its neural wiring over time - a phenomenon termed "plasticity." If the right type of intervention is provided earlier enough, it can lead to positive changes. Thus, early intervention with an appropriate approach can be beneficial, especially for traumatized kids. It would have been preferable if we had not needed to arrive at this particular situation in the first place; however, the good news is that it could eventually have been reached anyway!
If you've experienced difficult situations and still managed to stay positive and resilient, then I congratulate and celebrate you! For the rest of us, it can be hard to remain optimistic when faced with challenging circumstances. Prenatal environment is likely a major factor in your early development. It is thought that having a good prenatal environment helps to provide strong support for your development. You are likely to have a blessed life if you have an easygoing temperament. This can be seen as a sign of favor from the universe. A very likely sign of having at least one safe and nurturing caregiver who loved you might have been a grandparent, aunt or uncle, a teacher, a neighbor, or even a family friend. Of course, it could have been anyone who looked out for you with care and adoration. The research has found that when a child is brought up by an attuned and supportive adult, it has a profoundly positive effect on their capacity to deal with adversity in the future. This Mary Cassatt painting is depicting a mother helping her child to see themselves. It is an inspiring image and we need more people like this to help children understand how special they are. Here is a beautiful modern example from China.
In fifth grade, I emerged victorious from the school spelling bee held in my school--a type of competition where contestants must spell English words correctly to remain in the game until they become the last person standing and are declared as the winner. Doesn't this same type of event occur in Hong Kong? Marsha was an amazing Sunday school teacher; not only was she pretty and smart, but also warm and kind-hearted. Although she had no children or parenting experience, her pupils, including myself, were drawn to her during the time I knew her. Miss Marsha was astonished to hear that I had won the school spelling bee and was given the opportunity to compete in regionals, even though I had initially been worried about performing on stage. As each word became increasingly difficult, I kept going despite my nerves and managed to progress through to the end. I was only a fifth grader at the time however, and so I paused while spelling the word 'resurgence' because I didn't know what vowel to use - a or e? Unfortunately, my guess was incorrect and I'm sorry for that. Embarrassment and shame consumed me when I considered how hard I could have worked, knowing my parents' disappointment in the outcome. My mind was overwhelmed. As I stepped off the stage, with a blank expression, I noticed Miss Marsha running towards me from the back of the room. She had tears in her eyes and was still wearing her coat. Unbeknownst to me, she had been watching the entire time! Marsha pulled me into a side room, embracing me closely. Her tears triggered my own, not from her actions alone but because of her instinctive understanding of my emotions without the need for words. People might say that one can't read minds; but at that point, Miss Marsha could and she did. That day my friend of a teacher said something to me that I'll never forget - words of encouragement and wisdom. She told me "I'm proud of you, you're smart, it's gonna be okay." The sentiment stays with me still, whether I remember the exact words or not.
Find your way to healing for those children whose early attachment relationships weren't great. The earlier this journey begins, the more beneficial it is going to be in the long run. So don't wait any longer and take action today! The importance of your caregiving role cannot be overstated. Consistency in your presence as a parent or caregiver has a tremendous impact. It matters and is vital for the wellbeing of those in your care. I express my sincere appreciation and love to Miss Marsha for the gift of resilience she has granted me. Additionally, I want to encourage all of us with the same message; that we should strive to remain resilient despite any difficulty we may encounter. Thank you for considering how to be a resilience builder - it is our ultimate design to connect with one another, to love and to be loved. By becoming resilient, we create strong bonds within our communities and can find the strength in challenging situations. So let's work together to build resilience through meaningful relationships and lasting connections.
See also: https://mygodsentangels.com/