Feelings of unworthiness are something that I have internalized and carried within myself for a long time. When I was growing up, people from the outside looking in could have thought my life was perfect. My parents had a wonderfully happy union, and were forever supportive of each other. They earned sufficiently to ensure that we lived a life of abundance and comfort. Despite generally feeling contentment, an inkling persisted that I may have had something amiss. My most difficult experiences occurred when I went to parties. At events attended predominantly by Black people, my peers often teased me due to my awkward body and inability to do frequently observed dance steps. The pressure to keep up was uncomfortable for me when I was a child. At gatherings related to my mainly Caucasian college, I, a lone African-American woman, was always overlooked when it came to dancing and enthusiasm. In companionship with this disintegrating dynamic, I felt unaccepted and alone. At around the age of twelve, I came to the conclusion that achieving perfection was the only way to make me feel worthy; even an attempt at seeking a remedy for my self-doubt. If only I could be perfect, then I would integrate smoothly and be appreciated, resulting in my utmost happiness. In an attempt to better myself, I enrolled in dance classes and devoted energy to studying academically. On top of that, I strove to be a giver to my friends without looking for reciprocity in hopes it would make me a better person. When I attained good grades and felt a sense of belonging, my self-esteem was boosted; however, when my academic achievements were lackluster or I experienced exclusion, my low self-esteem kicked in. Busyness served as a method of attempting to feel worthy while I attended college. Through classes, tutoring, the Black Student Union, student government, a sorority, gospel choir and a step team - I piled on my schedule with barely any time for myself - to reflect, relax and simply be. After graduating college, I wished to discover a meaningful relationship to occupy the space left by my educational life. My journey in pursuit of this goal involved a roller-coaster of ups and downs that left me drained from the persistent anxiety. I was still rarely chosen to dance, much like in junior high, when I went out to bars and clubs. Even my attractiveness came into question as I wondered if my brown skin and kinky hair would be embraced by someone I might want to date. I lodged with a hope that if I could simply uncover someone to display me affection, then worthiness would lastingly accompany me. In spite of this, inquiries circumnavigated my outlooks and I remained uncertain.
None of it worked though: the perfectionism, being busy, relationships; at least not for lasting worth. However, for a brief moment when I started something new like a relationship/got good results - then I felt worthy. Have you ever had the feeling of accomplishment, only for it to swiftly diminish, and have you constantly pursuing the next bar to reach for? That's how I felt: I attained this idea of worthiness, yet it kept slipping through my fingers as soon as I met its expectation. I stand here today with a newfound appreciation for myself and all that I have accomplished over the years - be it psychological therapy, spiritual progress or obtaining my Doctor of Philosophy in Clinical Psychology. Through each step on the way I have felt an ever increasing sense of my own worth, truly unconditional. I am letting go of the notion that I have to be flawless and forcing myself to think I'm not good enough. As well as attempting to eradicate feelings like if something isn't done correctly or I can't make a special connection with some specific person then there must be something gravely wrong with me. I'm fully accepting of all the aspects that make up me, especially the quirky ones. It's incredibly liberating and refreshing to be on this new journey, truly making my life an extraordinary one. I urge you to experience the same transformation I have undergone and join me in opening up to an unconditional sense of self-worth. What I've gained from this process could be greatly beneficial for us all, if only we take leadership and act on it.
At its core, self-worth is separate from self-esteem. The latter is derived by gauging our proficiency at certain tasks, recognitions enjoyed, or our conviction in fulfilling desired feats. So you may be asking yourself if this discussion centering around understanding it is just another talk on reinforcing self-esteem. Well, needless to say, it is not! Our self-esteem is constantly changing according to our skills and performance. To increase it, we can focus on improving ourselves in any area. This gives us a sense of accomplishment and boosts our self-esteem. Unconditional self-worth is not directly related to our skills or successes; it cannot be increased or decreased. It's the certainty that we merit standing in life, to be respected and appreciated, and to possess influence. No comparison with others is essential; this kind of worth exists independently of achievement and ability.
Low self-esteem is a widespread concept that is thought to be at the root of many mental health problems, and in recent years there has been an dramatic uptick of cases all around the world. The World Health Organization has declared depression as the primary factor contributing to disability and medical problems globally. Depression is the leading cause of illness and disability not only in the world but everywhere else, far surpassing other ailments such as diabetes, physical injury or cancer. Almost 40 million people over the age of 18 suffer from anxiety disorders - that is five times the population of New York City, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. Low self-worth can culminate in a litany of painful emotions, including hopelessness and despair which may lead people to suppress their feelings through drugs, alcohol or even contemplating suicide. The harsh reality of these emotional slams is too unbearable for someone with an wanting sense of worth. Among the students at one of the nation’s most prestigious universities, when asked to elaborate on their anxieties, a common thread emerges – deep feelings of inadequacy and insufficiency. Hundreds of conversations have revealed this to be a consistent issue.
A deepening crisis of mental illness and addiction, coupled with a prevailing culture of diminished self worth, is leaving an ever increasing number of people suffering. But how did we come to be in such a situation? Many of us have come to feel a real need for certain material possessions; this is largely due to advertisements which strongly imply that having these items will help us gain love, acceptance, and success. Grades or test scores are the basis for which we, as students within the educational system, measure our worthiness. Our parents may have given us the impression that they would be more proud of us if we achieved academic or athletic success; such as making the honor roll or making a varsity team. Those of us who endured abuse, sexual assault and trauma often grapple with doubts regarding our selfhood and being worthy of existing. The pervasiveness of social media has led to the belief that one's self-importance is measured by the amount of followers and likes garnered. Thus, we have come to establish our worthiness based on this yardstick we have made ourselves. Many of us have a tendency to tie our self-worth to the accomplishments and possessions we have. This can be due to a range of the earlier factors or more; however the result is that when things don't go our way or we are deprived of approval, it leads us to feel a lack of worth. Unconditional self-worth acts as a remedy for addressing issues of low self-worth. Possession of this quality enables individuals to better face hindrances concerning their affirmation. A pathway towards overcoming self-doubt, humiliation and habits that are hazardous to our wellbeing can be acquired through attaining unconditional self-worth. This outlook could be of help in preventing depression, anxious feelings and dealing with dependence on substances. We must realize that our worth should not depend on external events or our successes, but rather upon the fact that we are all human. Even when life takes unexpected turns and falls short of what we wanted, this inherent and fundamental self-worth can persist inside and out.
Unconditional self-worth can be hard to cultivate. Reasons for this include negative self-talk, imperative messages from society, fear of judgement and fear of failure. All of these barriers and more can prevent individuals from feeling truly accepted or worthy on their own accord. Some may worry that becoming content with themselves could lead to a lack of motivation for development and transformation. Some might see accepting oneself as valuable and honorable as too self-confident, even arrogant. Developing an opinion of this kind could be due to feeling they don't possess a necessary level of worthiness. And some may still feel that their self-esteem issue is caused by feeling challenged in specific areas of their life, such as education or career. Others may attribute decreased worthiness to external sources, like bad experiences with family, relationships or society. Additionally, some may just believe it's impossible to be worthy. I ponder often the potential changes that might come if we instilled within ourselves the belief that our self-worth is unconditional. I want to soar on wings, more powerful than anything I ever dreamt of. For so long my dreams have been dormant, hidden from my fear of departing from mediocrity and flying high. With newfound courage if I realize that I am capable and worthy of pursuing these aspirations, nothing could stop ever me again. If my self-worth wasn't on the line, I would dare to dream bigger than ever before; allowing myself the chance to explore opportunities in which I never imagined could be beyond reach. If I understood that I was already worth more than enough, certain habits I exhibit would be gone. Were I to come to realization that my self-worth is significantly high, then I might cease activities such as overextending myself and attempting to win validation of others. People would be tackling conflicts through alternatives to violence, and with that there will also be even more individuals who are stepping up to do incredible things. If our self-esteem wasn't contingent on external factors, then holding the promise of a more peaceful and harmonious world would become a much easier cause to achieve. Our thought process should reflect a modern reimagining of this idea, one that is certainly worth contemplating.
Unconditional self-worth plays a major role in realizing a successful and healthy lifestyle. So, to make this dream a reality, we must practice cultivating this worth on an ongoing basis. Forgiving oneself is the first of my four recommended steps toward cultivating feelings of worthiness in the present moment. Oftentimes, this sentiment is hard to come by for people due to lingering guilt about prior events and wrongs. But doing so is essential as a means of overcoming such personal reservations and accepting ones self fully. Forgiveness necessitates the acknowledgement and embracing of what has already transpired. Through accepting this reality, we let go of both any self-doubt issues, as well as any disdain we have for those responsible, in favor of progression. Mistakes we have made can be painful to come to terms with; but by reflecting on the circumstances and understanding what was learned, forgiving ourselves can help in mitigating those experiences. Finally, tell yourself, "I forgive myself." These words have the power to open the door to healing and the opportunity to construct a path toward freedom. In calling this forgiveness from within, I am allowing myself to accept my experiences, mistakes and weaknesses in an honest and kind way. Many of us have a difficult time believing we are good enough as is, due to our own issues with self-worth. Consequently, it is important to practice self-acceptance – recognizing and embracing ourselves without judgement. Messages we get from society tell us that we need to alter ourselves in all kinds of ways: our bodies, our clothes, our jobs and even our personalities – implying that what we are isn't sufficient. We're made to believe that only by changing can we be accepted and made okay or even cool. Try to release the notions you have about how your should appear, feel and act differently. Pay attention instead to things that you like about yourself. As days go by, try to fathom your wonky habit of hee-hawing, ill-favored grin and queasy reasoning. By saying "yes" to your worthiness, you are giving yourself permission to embrace your true self.
When life gets tough, it is important to be kind to ourselves and stay present. We shouldn't abandon ourselves in difficult times, opting instead for self-compassion and understanding. Self-criticism often makes us feel worse, so it is best to try to show support for ourselves whenever possible. When going through a tough situation, the most needed is to be seen and heard, to feel like someone understands and isn't ignoring our suffering. This can even extend to ourselves; we have to learn how to say, "I see you. I empathize with your pain. I'm right here." Whenever emotional pain strikes, give yourself a moment of gentleness by acknowledging it and then comforting yourself. Show your care for yourself by putting a gentle hand on your chest or giving yourself an embrace. Additionally, be sure to tell yourself something kind or encouraging in order to cope with the emotion better. Firstly, seek out supportive relationships. Suffering from low self-worth can make us feel lonely and distant from our pals. Consequently, such isolation only encourages us to feel unworthy yet even further. Therefore, forming helpful and caring connections is a fundamental step in amending negative outlooks of oneself. Connecting to others who understand our struggles can make us acutely aware of our shared humanity and inherent worth; we come to realize that no hardship or pain renders us unworthy. Knowing we are not alone in our difficulties imparts comfort, reminding us that difficulty does not equate to disqualification.
It may never be easy to get to a place of unconditional self-worth, but this journey is possible. Though it is not a straight or smooth path, there will be challenges and setbacks along the way - like the ones I have experienced. It can take a lot of courage to free ourselves from self-imposed limitations we believe dictate our worth. To forgive, even if it may be difficult and messy, is key. Acceptance of oneself can also come with its own emotional pain but it is necessary to pursing personalized relationships that ultimately require vulnerability. Embrace this journey, for it is beautiful and worth it! You will find strength, connection, and understanding as you inhabit your humanity. Remember that you are worthy throughout every point of your path. Finding worthiness can be a challenge. Embrace who you are and discover a unique and metaphoric dance floor that allows free movement through life. Learn to live from that place and witness your own unlimited potential! Yes, I said "dance floor" - for it was on this same dance floor that I knew marked the start of my journey towards self-worth. Returning to the dance floor where my struggles with feeling unworthy began, I realized I had learned a few new moves since junior high. As I sat during the live music at the Hyde Park Jazz Festival last summer, my insecurities appeared and prevented me from joining other dancers that I absentmindedly longed to dance with. All of these thoughts included worries over my ability and being chosen. As I danced — feeling free, exuberant and alive — Latin jazz filled the air, buoying me as I moved my body to its own rhythm. All of this was possible only because an elderly man chose to bring joy into my life by inviting me to join him on the dance floor. Thank you for this empathetic invite to dance freely and live fully!
See also: https://mygodsentangels.com/