It is hard to answer by myself how many people here have already experienced pain or suffering today, however one can say that it is likely most of my audience here have experienced some form of either. We already have some hands up though, but let's think about what this experience of struggle could mean. This morning, it took a lot for me to drag myself out of bed - but here I am. Reflecting on my journey to get here today has definitely made me realize how much I achieved. Last week I had a really annoying experience when I got in my car; some idiot and his small, arrogant companion were giving me road rage. It left me feeling frustrated and angered. Frustration ran even more rampant this morning for those of us unfortunate enough to experience the rush-hour traffic – anyone here stuck in the jam? Nothing compares to the stress of crawling bumper-to-bumper on the way.
Today, do sensitive people feel as if their feelings have been hurt? Absolutely. Are any of us offended? It's possible. We are all quite emotional and thus can easily endure pain. Have you ever experienced Green-eyed envy today when scrolling through social media platforms and viewing the "perfect" lives of those mega stars? Indeed, many of us have. Such moments are really repulsive, wouldn't you agree? Some of you in the room are no strangers to pain and distress, having gone through a lot of hardship already. Many, however, have simply experienced everyday aches or discomfort. No matter the level or intensity of your struggles, I understand all of your experiences. Today, we all face varying challenges in life. No matter the size, those with huge obstacles still sit here among us. I'm certain to receive proof of this fact as we go through our day. But if you've been lucky enough to get through life until now without encountering hardship, I'm sad to be the one who must tell you: it will not last forever. Sooner or later, something awful will happen. I believe that there is something empowering in knowing that pain and suffering are inevitably a part of human experience, for it connects all of us. With this realization we can build an extraordinary life even in the face of challenges. All in all, a positive way to start a TED Talk!
Imagining childbirth for the first time during my pregnancy with my daughter Brooke, was something that I imagine many other expectant mothers do. I couldn't help but think about what it would be like deliver her into this world. I was expecting agonizing labor pain just like it's portrayed in hospital TV dramas, but it instead only stung a bit, dispelling my illusion that childbirth would be completely excruciating. For the most part, labor involves a cycle - The pain of a contraction is followed by a pause to catch your breath, only to be followed with another painful contraction. Reality is that we go through this process over and over again. A breakup, job loss and the death of somebody all cause tough moments in our lives. During this time, we experience a moment of downtime before another painful thing such as trauma or failure comes up. Just like that though, our lives still keep moving on in much the same way. We must become aware and mindful so that we can fill our in-between moments with life, love, and great experiences. Being alert could help us be happy and have a fulfilled life. Sometimes those moments may feel short, but notwithstanding, they are necessary for our overall well-being. When challenging circumstances arise, some may find themselves labeled as literal victims, mimicking the behavior and disempowering them from making progress. It is impossible to move forward and make progress when one behaves like a victim during difficulty- instead, it only serves to prolong their pain and suffering.
Feeling like a victim of life, these people often make a fuss even over small things - like being accidentally left off of an office coffee order. They take inconveniences such as missing out on a parking space or it beginning to rain as the universe deliberately punishing them, further accumulating minor annoyances and creating bigger issues. Those with a less fortunate background may seem to be readily able to maneuver through life with ease, positivity and good humor even when presented with difficulties. They do not let the seemingly rough times get them down, and instead remain joyful and grateful despite any impediments they may face. Those who play victim take responsibility for very little and even nothing in their lives and it prevents them from finding genuine happiness; on the other hand, those who don't play the role of a victim actively invest in themselves and strive for true contentment. Mr. and Mrs. Victim seemed to embrace their troubles as a source of pride, almost like they had earned it. By doing so, they found an excuse to not involve themselves in difficult situations; a way to take their hands off the wheel and just let whatever transpire happen without fault or responsibility on their part. If you continue behaving in this manner, it might seem like an easy solution, however the consequences can be damaging. Not finding peace of mind or contentment and viewing the world with a negative perspective are two risks to take; without any reward for doing so too.
At age 32, I had been married with two children – Brooke, aged six and Texas aged four. Not only did I have a house and a car but also sufficient funds in the bank. Additionally, my career as a TV actress let me explore many exciting opportunities in life. In May 2017, my family and I were graciously invited to Turks and Caicos located in the pristine Caribbean islands for a luxurious ten day stay. We were provided access to a magnificent apartment overlooking an exquisite golf course - definitely the perfect location for soaking up the sunshine! This woman and her family had a vibrant, positive life, with plenty of great plans for the future. If you had examined their Instagram at that time, you would have perceived just that. But then in the two months leading up to his death, my husband Ross had passed away and I myself had been in a hospice bed. The memories of the hallway still lingered with me; hearing the nurses talking and being surrounded by beeping machines, as characteristic of any visitors of those who are ill. At one a.m., I was on Google looking up the stages of death, my husband Ross lying in a twin bed beside me. Struggling to get to sleep, I heard every breath he took and wondered which one would be his last. I accepted that my husband would soon die and that my life was going to be drastically different. I knew I couldn't avoid the pain forever, so instead of resisting it, I chose to make use of these last days with him. Seeking the good around me in this trying time, I took back my power. Ross was diagnosed with a PN 80 tumor, commonly found in children and located at the back of their heads, located at the front of Ross' head in February 2014. Despite this rarity and poor prognosis, he was given a 50-50 chance to survive over the next five years. Dr. Spooner, the oncologist we met at the first meeting, was an empathetic man who wore odd socks and had a battered and bruised briefcase. Much to my husband's horror, he read through each document one by one. My husband, when we first met the doctor, asked him why I had a children's brain tumor - which normally appears in the back - at the front of my head. The kind doctor looked him in the eyes and told us sadly, yet honestly that he didn't know why this had occurred.
We all try to find purpose and clarity in our lives, questioning why misfortune always seems to strike the "good" people. Unfortunately, unfortunate times may still inflict any and every one of us; not just those who are considered to be good. The just world myth suggests that if somebody is good, positive outcomes will be the result; however, psychologists agree this isn't necessarily so. No matter how hard we try, love is no armor and life can still break our hearts – this is a reality significant psychologist Leon F. Seltzer sees and, as a result, labels as a prize for simply being alive. Despite however well we are, there exists an inescapable truth: that inequality will always present itself. Crying heavily, I entered my house with a strange sense as if I were a stranger; all the familiar sight such as the photos on the walls and items left out on the table stayed still in time, pause before Ross was diagnosed. It all seemed so surreal after having gone through his first brain surgery. In that pivotal moment, I found a greater sense of clarity than I had ever experienced before. No matter the hardship, if I were to live a joyful life, it was up to me and only me to take control. I picked up the pieces of my heart and put on a brave face. No matter what, I was determined to find a way to get my family and myself through this trying period. I set out with makeup covering my eyes and determination in my heart.
Mentally strong people tend to share similar traits; they don't wallow in self-pity, can show vulnerability if necessary, don't demand reparations, and are capable of adapting. Additionally, these individuals also aren't even afraid to shed some tears. The loss of Ross was, and still is, one of the most difficult things I have ever experienced. It may be hard for people to comprehend why I would even openly express my suffering and sorrow over my tragedy. It can also be difficult for others to comprehend why I don't seem to fit the widow stereotype or how I manage to continue living life and progressing onward. From a young age, we are taught ideas of fairness which can be skewed. Yet even when we reach adulthood, this version of fairness sometimes still persists. Acceptance and responsibility are often needed for us to move beyond pain and become unstuck from hardships. When such struggles are present, we tend to focus solely on the injustice, unable to move forward. To break this stuck emotion, taking responsibility and allowing acceptance can become the way out of such impasses.
So what if the world really was fair? Maybe our wild utopia where everyone got everything they wanted, even beauty (which is subjective), would mean that nobody ever loses, since everyone would only succeed all the time. Only the evil people would get sick - but all in all, this world could be a peaceful and perfect place for everyone! In our world today, it may feel impossible to attain fairness and thus creates a barrier for us to truly enjoying the present moment. While we strive for justice and call out injustices; personally, we must come to terms that there are parts of our lives that are beyond our control and cannot be made fair. If we take a moment to consider our life and potential pain, what would happen if we let go of seeking out fairness? How could this lead to different responses? How might it shape our emotions and subjective experience of the world around us? Instead of feeling stuck and despairing over the bad things in life, why not look for the lessons in what's happening and show some gratitude for the good bits? Direct your focus on those aspects that are under your control rather than ruminating over things that you have no influence over. I cannot emphasize enough how much I miss my husband who has unfortunately passed away; this circumstance is unfortunately one that I have no control over. Nevertheless, I can choose to look at it differently and make the best of it; and I have. We can only start living when we choose to cease wall-banging and complaining about how life can be unreliable sometimes. Acknowledging the unjustness of our reality may initiate us to make a change, but lingers of disbelief will still remain barren until closure happens through acceptance.
When external situations become difficult, you have every right to have a moment of sorrow. However, it's important to be in control of yourself and come up with a strategy to tackle the undesired circumstances. Taking action is the only way forward when life isn't going to plan. After the sudden death of her own husband, Sheryl Sandberg wrote a book called Option B to focus on what would be our choices when our plan A has been taken away from us. When life demands a plan B, there can be freedom in the shift. Most of us get caught up in how our lives should look and become quite inflexible, making us unable to make necessary adjustments. Thus, relinquishing control and embracing life’s unexpected changes could be a relief from rigid plans. When Ross died, I realized that the world isn't always what it seems. There are just moments in life, with lessons and experiences to be taken away from them. Therefore, it is important to make the most of joyful moments spent with loved ones, instead of holding onto things that can't last forever. Free yourself from the confines of expecting perfect outcomes. No matter how well thought out and implemented your plans are, they most likely won't go as anticipated. Don't rely on receiving fairness in terms of having a level playing field; it's simply never an option. Release yourself from the expectation of expectations about non-existent equity. No matter what, there will always be someone who is more attractive than you and proficient at their job; they will live the life they desire – with the love of their life, abundance of wealth, and a family that gives them unwavering support. It doesn't seem as though luck is negative for you all; it doesn't matter if it comes in threes, and this circumstance is not exclusive to you. So then, what are you going to do about it? It's important to be kind to yourself; to forgive mistakes, recognize that resilience isn't always about what you can endure, but instead the resting and recuperating that happens in between the tough moments. Finally, accept that it's possible and necessary to live fully. Thank you very much for your sympathy and commitment to life.
See also: https://mygodsentangels.com/