Humans were created to form connections with other people from different cultures. It is not only important for our success, but also essential for our survival. Human infants are among the most vulnerable mammals at birth on Earth. Unlike other mammals, human babies are not able to crawl towards a food source or cling on their mother's back as soon as they are born. They certainly also cannot go for a swing in the jungle either. As soon as our babies enter the world, they cry out in search of another human being to connect with. Without such a connection, they will eventually pass away – a knowledge that is innate from the moment of birth. Our babies must have protectors in order for them to develop and remain alive. Even when a consistent and supportive caregiver is not present, our children can be deprived of the opportunity to flourish and mature. From the moment of birth, our babies possess the capacity to form connections. One cannot help but want to hold and cuddle them due to the truly soft skin they possess. Their eyes, large in size, gaze up at you and they gain the ability to grin before long. The charming cooing noises of babies often draw us in and make us fall head over heels, which is especially true when we consider the incredible amount of effort it takes to raise a child. We will go to any lengths to ensure our babies feel safe, both physically and psychologically. To create a sense of psychological safety, we must make them feel like they are truly part of the family and have a secure protector who loves them. Knowing that they are loved and protected is what makes us willing to sacrifice our own needs for sleep and rest in order to provide for them in the middle of the night - even if it means getting up multiple times! This is how much we love them and care about their survival.
From the time we enter this world, our need for attachment and a sense of belonging are deeply rooted in us; these desires never leave us throughout our lives, but they are especially strong in childhood. We come into existence literally connected to another human being, and that connection has a lasting impact. In order to thrive and survive, it is essential that we be part of a group. In order to feel secure and reassured, everyone should be a part of a community which they can call family. So, when young children don't experience the sense of being included or having someone to protect them, they are left vulnerable and have to face potential risks alone. Their brain sends them a signal that they are now on their own and instinctively, they recognize that due to their age, they cannot make it, prompting them to tap into their survival mode. They have an extreme level of alertness, perceiving every person and thing as a potential danger. When they lack their runway, they are left without a place to take off from. They lack the capability to be activated. Beginning from a point of extreme alertness, even the smallest things can cause them to become emotionally activated. These children behave as if they are struggling for survival, since their brains would have signaled to them that this is the case. Babies and children feel as if they are at war, isolated and alone. The members of their platoon have departed them too. The enemy's movement can be heard drawing near. The youngsters are able to detect the sound of the flames from afar. In the field, they have run out of ammunition and are left with nothing but a small rock to hide behind. It is clear that their own defense mechanisms are not enough to protect them as their lives hang in the balance. With such fear looming over them, they no longer feel relaxed nor able to think or learn; most importantly, they cannot trust or connect with others because they are so preoccupied with simply surviving. When you don't feel like you fit in, it can be difficult to determine who is a friend and who might be an adversary. As a result, you may find yourself pushing people away without realizing who will remain or depart. Everyone is kept at arm's length. If you do not have a secure, loving caregiver or if the caretaker is unable to provide you with the consistent feelings of love, protection, and security, then your ability to connect will be hampered. Your brain warns you that you are alone in this situation and reminds you that you are still a child, making your survival uncertain. Trauma can prevent us from feeling connected and belonging to a group, which leaves us without the protection of a tribe. When our brain perceives that our survival is at stake, it is an accurate assessment. In such cases, when we have no support system in place, we are solely reliant upon ourselves for survival; however, this self-reliance may not be enough to guarantee our safety.
Belonging is such a fundamental need that it is essential to understand why it is so important. Not only do we need to ensure our survival in a basic kind of way, but belonging can be a truly wonderful experience. Belonging to something or someone gives us a sense of comfort, security and an assurance that we are accepted; it feels like home. When you affirm that I am yours, I feel embraced and secure in knowing that I belong. It is so comforting to know that we have someone who will always be there for us and make sure our wellbeing is taken care of, giving us a sense of peace so that we can focus on learning, connecting and loving without fear or worry; creating an atmosphere filled with immense joy rather than one centered around the struggle for survival. Without the sense of connection and belonging, humans will seek it out due to being a basic requirement for people. The profound loneliness of not belonging can be so unbearable that people will take desperate measures, such as using drugs or alcohol, to numb the pain - even if it means engaging in activities that are dangerous to their safety, such as being involved in gangs or making themselves vulnerable to sex trafficking. People may become so overwhelmed by their deep longing for connection that they sink into depression or despair. In a desperate attempt to shut off these feelings, they may become completely numb and disconnect from all human contact, potentially leading to the violence we see on our news almost every night.
Belonging is a fundamental requirement for our success and survival. But you might still be wondering if this has anything to do with you at this stage. You can have a network of over 500 connections on LinkedIn and an additional 600 on Facebook. You may have a wide network of contacts, and thus are a part of many different groups. But then again, my own seven-year-old recently shared with me how being connected is not the same as being claimed. He asked me, "Mama, do you know how many people there really are in the world? How many have you witnessed? How many people have you actually encountered? What is the number of people you are familiar with? Finally he asked, "How much do you love me?" and then added that he felt like I belonged to him. He implied that by being his protector, we accepted each other as our own and made a commitment to look out for each other and make sure that we were both safe and sound, which was essential to his flourishing. No matter how many acquaintances you have, it is only a select few who can truly be considered your closest friends. These individuals are our lifelines, ensuring that we are safe and well at all times. If you were to end up in the hospital, what would happen then? I'm confident a plethora of individuals on social media would express their support for you by liking your post, sending you hearts, or simply letting you know they are thinking about you. How many people would take the time to send you a card if you were in the hospital? And how many fewer would come and visit, even if you had to stay for longer than a few days? If it ended up being weeks or months, who would be there with you to make sure that you were doing alright? The most valuable people in your life are not the ones you know through LinkedIn or Facebook, but rather those who truly consider you to be their own. What would happen if you weren't part of a group or community? How would that affect you?
I am aware of a female who experienced this lack of belonging. When I encountered her, she was sixteen and had experienced living in thirty-five different locations over the last decade, with thirteen of those occurring in the year prior to our meeting all by herself. She entered a foster home at the age of six due to her parents being unable to provide her with a secure environment. She moved in with her beloved grandmother soon after. When she was still six though, the witness of her grandmother's suicide was inescapable for her. She was left to fend for herself after the one person who had claimed her and with whom she had been connected had gone, leaving her to struggle for her own survival. She was taken in by strangers for foster care, and had to move from place to place, always being kept safe in body but never feeling like she belonged anywhere. She was aware that she did not fit in, and this caused immense damage to people, most notably children. Kids do not express their suffering verbally; they show it through their behavior. Furthermore, many of us also tend to express our distress nonverbally. She felt so incredibly isolated, helpless, and exposed that she resorted to engaging in destructive behavior directed at both herself and others as a means of coping. When I encountered her, her suicidal thoughts had become so intense that she was living in a group home with round-the-clock care from a one-on-one staff. People were very concerned that she might actually be able to carry out her plan and take her own life; unfortunately, instead of being given support for the normal responses to these emotions, she was scolded and shamed and punished. People would ask her what was wrong with her, not understanding that it was the events she had experienced, rather than any internal issue, that was the cause of her pain-driven behaviors. These were actually normal reactions for someone who felt their life to be in danger and lacked a sense of safety or belonging. As she moved from place to place, the people who were supposed to provide care for her - whom she worked hard to form connections with - were continuously disrupted, leading to further disconnection and trauma. She found that the solution was more detrimental than the original problem. Children in foster care are aware of the fact that they are not wanted, despite being in a safe environment. However, it doesn't have to remain this way - they should be able to find a place where they truly belong.
Everyone is brought into this world as a member of a family. If your parents are unable to ensure your safety, it is not natural for you to be placed with complete strangers as the initial course of action. Every one of us has numerous relatives that we know and care about, or whom we are related to; thus, it would be more appropriate to seek help from them in the first instance. In many places other than Native American tribes, such as communities around the globe, this is not how they approach it. If your parents are unable to take care of you, then it is the responsibility of your extended family, tribe or community to provide for you. In cases where this is not possible, living with strangers does not mean you will lose connection with your community and tribe; rather such connections represent a sense of protection. No child should ever be forced to move in to live with complete stranger however. It is imperative that we thoroughly investigate any initial indications of difficulty within our families and with our children. Seeking individuals who would provide the same level of care and love that you would for your own child, you will not rest until you have found a person with whom these children are either related to or beloved by. It is too much for any person to endure, especially a child, when they move - not only do they have to leave their parents behind but also their home life, community, neighborhood, friends and belongings such as toys and pets. They even miss the familiar smells, tastes and sensations that were part of their daily routine. We were successful in assisting her, so let us remember that. In reality, we discovered 25 of her biological relatives located within a seven mile radius who were all certified care providers. They had misplaced her in the first place. Although they attempted to contact the county in order to locate her, they were unable to find her after she had been taken away. It was thought that she had been taken in by a family who cared for her deeply. After discovering this, we came to share the good news with her. When she opened the door, her head was in her hands and bandaged. The previous night had been Family Night at school, where all of the students could proudly show off their art projects and accomplishments - but not her; she had nobody to celebrate with, which made the hurt unbearable. In reaction, she started to act out and needed to be physically restrained by adults who pinned her down and tried to snap her back into reality. She was no stranger to this experience, having gone through it a thousand times between the ages of six and nine. We came to inform her that her suffering had concluded. She was determined not to become an anonymous figure or a child in the foster care system. She was part of her own family now.
We received letters expressing how much they missed her and loved her; in them, they fondly remembered when she was still a young child. Every year, they would share stories of how the anniversary of her birth had been celebrated and searched for her. When it was time to end our services, she asked us how she wanted to transition and stated that she wanted a party with her social worker present, so they could witness that she had a family. We obliged and made sure the celebration included balloons, cake and all the trimmings. At the end of the event, she thanked us saying, "You can go help other kids now; I'm going to be okay because I have my family." It is not the specifics of what that are important - as you know. If your phone were to suddenly ring at this very moment with the most devastating news imaginable, it's not your belongings or material possessions that will help you cope with it. It's not your house, money, or car that can get you through; it is the people in your life - your "who's" - who will provide comfort and support. When the tough times come, it's your loved ones who make sure you are taken care of. Even when things are going well, it's those close to you whom you want to share that joy with. Unfortunately, some children don't have anyone to turn to in their time of need and this is not acceptable. In 2014, there were 650,000 kids in foster care, half of whom were with individuals who they did not know. Despite success being a unique experience, their stories are all too similar. I'm sure the sensation of not feeling safe, protected and loved as a child is something that many people can relate to, not just her. According to a study conducted by the Center for Disease Control, 70 percent of respondents reported not feeling loved, safe and protected all the time during their childhood. Approximately seventy percent of you had difficult childhoods, which increases the risk of physical and mental health issues later on in life. The feeling is so unpleasant that it can make you physically ill. It can be concluded that this is the origin of all social problems. The root of many issues such as incarcerations, teen pregnancies, homelessness and the achievement Gap can be traced back to a lack of opportunity for individuals to heal from their pain. By providing opportunities for healing we can help resolve these issues. Utilizing creative tactics, we have been able to work with these difficult youths over a long period of time and prove those who said they would never find a family wrong. By carrying out demonstration projects ranging from 15 to 21 months, we have been successful in reuniting 81.8 percent of those affected by grief and loss with their families through healing and extensive searching. The foster care system is flawed as it does not ensure that children are provided with a permanent home and family, but rather focuses on guaranteeing their safety. I urge you to join me in creating a world where all children, especially those in child welfare, have their right to be claimed and feel safe. This Birthright, the right of being loved by someone and being claimed as their own, should be something that every child experiences. Thank you for considering hearing these children out.
See also: https://mygodsentangels.com/