Van Gogh once proclaimed that the most beautiful masterpiece one could ever create was to love one another. When I contemplate love, my mind always goes back to my childhood in Montana, the beautiful state with its 100 mountain ranges. I'm always amazed by that, you know? I contemplate the East Coast and how, incredibly, almost the entire eastern seaboard could be contained within Montana's borders. My mother's upbringing was in the small town of Cohagen, Montana, so now I think of New York City, even if it stands in stark contrast to my memories. During the winter, Cohagen has a population of eight people who need to endure cold temperatures. My grandmother was the postmaster out of a store they owned in Montana, which had two bars and a back of the house where she lived. It is particularly cold during winter in Montana. I find it very meaningful to contemplate family and love, which is something that Vincent van Gogh showed us through his artwork - that the greatest masterpiece one can create is to love someone.
Let us listen to the ideas of other prominent opinion-makers from around the globe. I shall attempt to enumerate the ways in which I look up to Elizabeth Barrett Browning, a poet from several centuries ago: How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. Love is not something that changes when it discovers a change, nor does it bend to accommodate the one who wants to move away, as Shakespeare would know. Hate cannot be eradicated by more hate, only love can achieve this goal. This was a belief held by Martin Luther King Jr. Even the renowned feminist writer, bell hooks, promotes the idea that love is the foundation of everything. When I think of love, my three daughters also come to mind. It's always an enjoyable time when we go shopping for clothes and they get to pick out their favorite pink shirts - there must be at least 11 of them by now! As I was leaving Gonzaga University, where I work, with my second daughter Arianna on my shoulders when she was around four or five years old, she began singing at the top of her lungs. Her voice could be heard from two blocks away and people coming out of nearby buildings stopped to take notice of her beautiful singing. I'm having an enjoyable time and it's very loud; I appreciate the fact that she is singing as we walk along. After a while, I jokingly asked her what she was doing up there, to which she replied that she was singing to the clouds. That thought brings to mind joy and what is really important in life - namely, the things we should fight for.
Growing up in Montana, I was blessed with the opportunity to experience a wide array of natural wonders - from mountains to wilderness. Visiting my parents there is always memorable and something I look forward to. When I arrive home, my dad often has a difficult image on the front page of the newspaper he has thrown on the table. This usually involves someone from outside Montana who visited Yellowstone National Park near Bozeman and got hurt by an animal there. In the photo, there was a man with a receding hairline and an impressively large beard. He had many stitches in various places on his body, and when I asked if he liked it, he replied "This one's pretty good". As I read through the story, this image stayed with me. He was evidently involved in some kind of altercation, so what is the story behind that? People have said he became weary with the hustle and bustle of life, so he decided to move away and live in the mountains. He has taken an uncommon decision, but some of us might prefer to do the same. His local ranching community is aware of him and knows he poses no threat to anyone. He spends his time out in the wilderness for a year or two, retrieving supplies from town before returning back up soon after. When he is in the high country, he finds himself on the ground looking at some vegetation. Suddenly, when he looks up, he sees a mother grizzly standing right before him. In any event, it was a shocking sight! The man became very angry and did something so forceful that it scared the bear away. Usually, when someone is attacked by a bear they are killed, but this person was lucky enough to make it out alive. He must have done something particularly intense to make the animal back off. At this stage, he was greatly distressed and wounded, forcing him to go a whole two miles in order to reach his vehicle. After reaching his truck, he drove to the nearest ranch house. The woman opened the door, saw him and immediately knew they had to get him to the hospital. However, being a typical Northern European male, he refused to go. But this Montana woman was fierce - she wrapped his head in a towel and told him sternly "Get in my car right now!" She drove him to the hospital where he received thousands of stitches. Fortunately, he was okay and lived through it all.
But the thing that really stood out to me about the article was the female reporter who interviewed him at the end. She asked what most people would think in a situation like that, when a mother grizzly is charging at them. His response? "I thought I'll fight until I die." I myself probably would have just laid there waiting for death to take me, but that man had something that all of us need; something applicable in a variety of situations, and especially when it comes to love - these days we need it more than ever. Martin Luther King famously asserted that a harmonious relationship must exist between love and power; he said that power unaccompanied by love is reckless and oppressive, while love without power is nothing more than superficial sentimentality. We can all relate to the idea that power is at its greatest when it is used to fulfill the requirements of love, and justice is strongest when it works to counter anything that interferes with love. When considering the greatest work of art, our thoughts often return to the love between members of a family; this love can be truly transcendent and extend beyond even nation-to-nation relationships. However, it is best to start with something closer to home - in this case, the house. When I first saw my daughter Natalia, she was on the floor in the kitchen. Upon inspection, I noticed that she had a card which she had created - it was a white sheet of paper folded in half and decorated with blue and yellow stars all over it drawn in crayon. I sit down next to her and ask what she's doing. She says she is making a card for me, so I thank her and wrap my arm around her as we talk. When I open the card it says 'you're my favorite daddy and the stars' - I'm taken aback by this gesture of kindness. I tell her that it was really nice and creative, then inquire how she thought of it. She replies saying she wasn't sure how to spell 'world', but wanted to include something special in the card for me.
What role has conflict, alienation, and violence played in the lives of people over the past three centuries? Let's take a look back to examine this. Approximately five million people died in wars three centuries ago; two centuries ago, that number skyrocketed to 20 million. Just imagine the immense loss of life this implies. Take a moment to contemplate the wars of the last century - do you know that an estimated 120 million people have died due to their conflict? It seems as though we are attempting to persuade ourselves that we have been improving, yet this may not be the case. There are certain aspects of our lives which require devoted attention and concentration. When the government is involved, the number of people affected by famine can increase drastically, from 120 to 180 million. This emphasizes the importance of government-sponsored initiatives in providing assistance and relief for those suffering from food shortages. At this juncture, we can count off 23 million deaths caused by Hitler, 27 million due to Stalin and another staggering 50 million attributed to Mao. It is still essential to consider the implications of this for us; for it may not be as daunting a task as we initially thought. As a psychologist, I am privileged to work with many wonderful individuals and to witness their efforts in reconciling relationships; however, depending on which figures you look at, the current divorce rate is between 50-70%. I observed that most of us have not been instructed in the abilities to comprehend how different people's inner worlds interrelate, and what the consequences might be when we become angry, hurt someone else, or cause harm. Furthermore, this knowledge is essential to understand ourselves better when interacting with other people.
For the past two decades, I have been privileged to conduct research into the concept of forgiveness, exploring its internal components and what they may mean for us as individuals. The results of my investigations have revealed some truly fascinating findings. At present, the University of Washington professor John Gottman is producing some of the most exceptional research in the world. Many people are aware of his written works and books; they are truly remarkable and it's incredible to see what has been uncovered. If you are a scientist or even if you just enjoy social science, then you know that if we get a large group of people together (e.g., two to three thousand people) and test them on some things, we will produce what is known as a normal bell-shaped curve. Those who score three standard deviations away from the average are considered outliers. The people here are not relating very well, which is causing a negative sentiment to take over their relationships. What does it look like in this situation? Testing how people relate looks much different than this circumstance of negative sentiment overriding relationships. Researchers began to analyze not only an individual's actions, but also their vocal intonation, gaze, and inner thoughts when in the midst of a disagreement in order to gain an understanding of what negative sentiment override appears like. People would visit the Love Lab and have their thoughts, behaviors, attitudes, actions, inactions and motivations recorded on video for a period of three to five days. From the thousands of participants that were studied, researchers were able to analyze how people are motivated and what their dreams are - with the exception of the bathroom which was not filmed. They extracted the details of the event from the lab and asked questions like, "What was your thought process when you shouted at Sally? We wanted to get a better understanding of what motivated you to do that." They delved deep into examining the motivation behind it.
No matter what, we experience negativity that signals impending destruction or the willingness to be broken down. Some of us can handle this looming dissolution or disintegration and in a strange way it helps keeps us alive in some form. While some of us do crumble under the pressure, there are those who remain in this state. At the higher end of the bell curve, there is what is known as a 'positive sentiment override'; this essentially means that for every one negative interaction, there are five to ten positive ones. Conversely, at the lower end of the bell curve, it's five to ten negative interactions for each positive interaction. Godman developed an impressive skill when it came to discerning the signs of divorce, and was able to make predictions with a success rate of ninety-five percent within three minutes. Furthermore, he could predict divorce with a ninety-five percent accuracy within the next three years. The expression of contempt was evident on the face of a person for around 45 seconds over the course of 3 instances. It is an emotion that shows strong dislike or disapproval, and one can easily understand how those feelings would be communicated in such a way. The scary thing is that 80% of men who divorce, meaning we need to recognize that we all have both masculine and feminine elements within us. If some people suppress their feminine side, it can be detrimental not only for themselves but also for society as a whole. Similarly, if someone suppresses their masculine side then it will have an unhealthy effect on both them and others around them. There is a positive masculinity that enhances life, and a positive femininity which adds depth to life; when these are blocked it's bad news all round. Around 80 percent of men and women who divorced have one thing in common: regardless of whether they identify more with masculine or feminine characteristics, their partner would typically have appreciated it if they had known this beforehand. When we examine this further, it is evident that 80% of men going through a divorce do not accept the influence of femininity; instead they put up walls to prevent themselves from being affected. Eighty percent of women who divorce report having contempt and hatred for the masculine gender.
There are numerous ways to deal with that type of situation in a positive and beautiful manner. When I initially encountered the heart of it, it seemed to me as if forgiveness was not only necessary but something deeper than what we usually contemplate. We often don't reflect on forgiveness and when we do, usually our thoughts are focused on having to forgive someone for something. Thinking about life on a more profound level can be difficult, especially when we reach a stage of greater maturity. At this point, it may become necessary to seek forgiveness and make amends. It took me an eternity to summon up the nerve to ask Jennifer out, and when I finally did she had the audacity to respond positively but with a condition: that I first must have an interview with her father. This was something completely new for me, as prior to meeting my future wife's father-in-law, I had never been exposed to such a scenario. I was not excited about the interview, as I had heard that the coach was very intense, similar to Bobby Knight. However, when I played college basketball overseas I tried to persuade my interviewer against meeting me. Fortunately, this did not happen and we proceeded with the interview. I decided to ask Jennifer out on a date, and I was so excited because she was such an incredible person. When I finally worked up the courage to go over to her house for the first meeting with her family, I had to remember that both our cultures were different; mine being Czech and German while hers was Irish. The parents bedroom was almost like a sacred place where everyone would come together at the end of day, have conversations, say prayers, then move off to their beds. This is something I didn't know beforehand. When I arrived at the door, her dad welcomed me and said "Come with me upstairs to the parents' bedroom." Once inside, I felt a bit overwhelmed. The two chairs were positioned far too close together, so using my Czech-German dexterity, I shifted my chair back quite a bit and sat down.
That was when everything changed. This person, a very intense basketball coach, had a heart of strength and beauty with depths and intimacy that really touched me. He started by telling me some of the things he had noticed about me that he loved - it was the first time I'd heard an adult male speak to me like that. There were maybe seven or eight things before he went into talking about how much he appreciated my mom, then followed by what he loved about my dad. He said that he was going to give me 50 rules, but he knew I wouldn't remember them all, so instead he gave me two which would stick with me. The first one is Jennifer needs to be aware of her limits and not push herself too far. The second rule is that I mustn't ever have to apologize for anything - it's something he doesn't want from me. These "big guru rules" essentially mean that in order to truly succeed, one must not only be a decent or good person, but must also make an effort to maintain relationships. This kind of commitment is what sets someone apart from those who simply drop out of the bottom. In the following years, he often invited me to come along on his day trips to Tri-Cities high schools. He was a phenomenal communicator, incredibly humble and open to learning new things. His respect for both men and women was remarkable; he had an understanding of how the masculine and feminine should coexist. It was a momentous occasion for me to be on the receiving end of this kind of forgiveness. Even more so because it was the first time I had heard about such an idea coming from him, considering he had made a rather sharp comment to his wife at the dinner table - yet something that would have been considered minor in my family as it only registered as an eight out of one hundred on our scale for verbal violence. It caught me by surprise and made me think 'Wow, how nice!' Later on, I was sitting on the couch when he came over and took a seat next to me. He expressed his desire to apologize for how he treated his wife at the dinner table, leaving me unsure of what to say. I replied with "You don't need to ask me," but he explained that within our family, it is necessary to not only apologize directly to the person affected by the wrongdoings but also those present in order to restore their dignity.
The act of investing in myself had a profound effect on my life, transforming it completely. Research into forgiveness is currently being conducted around the world, and those with a higher capacity for it have been found to suffer from less depression, anxiety and even heart disease. This suggests that having greater emotional well-being leads to healthier hearts – symbolically and physically – as well as stronger immune systems. The Mayo Clinic has incorporated forgiveness into their treatment process, as stated by the upcoming edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) - a tool used by psychologists to provide diagnoses. This newer version will include bitterness as an official personality disorder based on research. When we consider it, what steps do we need to take to reach a closer bond with each other? If the greatest accomplishment is loving one another, how can we move towards that goal? Martin Luther King imparted to us the message that those in power are unlikely to give it up willingly and encouraged us not to be naive about this fact; if we are victims of oppression, it is not going to automatically improve. He then provided a second moment of understanding when he said that by showing love for the oppressor, both they and ourselves can be saved. In this way, he pointed out that everyone has been an oppressor at some point and it is our responsibility as individuals to reach a mutual understanding with each other. My grandfather, who was loved by us all, sadly ended his life in a state-funded housing in Montana with no one around him. His demise was triggered by alcohol addiction at a young age and it was one of the most heartbreaking moments our family ever experienced. Whenever I think of him, this thought comes to my mind. I was spending a moment with my daughter Isabella, who is my third child. She was around four years old at the time, and she was sitting at the kitchen table eating. I looked at her and noticed how beautiful she was, and when I looked into her eyes and asked her why do I love you so much? She just kept chewing while looking at me as if wondering what I meant. So then, in a more serious tone, I grabbed her face gently and asked again why do I love you so much? Her response melted my heart as she said "because you are made to love me - thank you."
See also: https://mygodsentangels.com/