Relationships can be intricate and often perplexing, which has always been an undeniable fact. Despite our desire to be in relationships, it can often be challenging to express and accept the truth within them. Managing the truth can prove difficult at times. I ask regarding relationships: why do we tell lies to ourselves and others? What is the fear of self-disclosure that leads us to this behavior? Throughout the years, I have had my own set of relationship issues and have experienced a number of bumps in the road. But I have been fortunate enough to hear other people's stories. As a psychiatrist, I have often had the opportunity to hear my patients tell me about their lives while I was in clinical practice. This information can be found on my biography, especially my seemingly self-helping profession. Coming from a big family, and having a broad range of friends, I have been exposed to conversations about relationships for almost my entire life. One of the things that I have observed over these years has been a surprise for me. One of my earliest observations was that although we talk about wanting honesty and transparency in relationships, it does not appear as though we actually always value honesty and openness in them. If I were to gauge the opinions of this audience by a show of hands, how many of those followers would consider truth to be an essential component in relationships? A good portion of my readers present would seem to agree with this sentiment of mine. Next, could I ask how many of you have ever had a conversation with someone they were attracted to, such as a friend? Then have you ever neglected to tell your spouse or significant other something important, even though it may have been as simple as sending a text message, making a telephone call, writing an email, or meeting for dinner or drinks? How many of us can honestly answer yes to this question? I believe that although we state that we value honesty, there have been and still are occasions when it is used for our own benefit.
At times, instead of being honest, we may resort to telling a fib or leaving out details altogether. Consequently, this could mean that the truth is not fully expressed at all. I have had difficulty comprehending why we behave as we do, and this has been a long-standing issue for me, professional psychiatrist or not. But still, I have come to the realization that we often struggle with truth, and this is simply my own observation rather than something based on research. It seems as though it can be difficult for us to accept the truth, especially truths not known to everyone. We acknowledge that, at times, we may tell small untruths or not reveal the entire truth when conversing with our friends or partners. If we were able to accept that our partners may sometimes be dishonest with us and not fully open, then it would create the most anxiety for all concerned parties as we try to figure out what their true intentions are. This means both parties need to put all of their truths on the table. We would then need to reconsider if the people or individual we are dealing with is someone we would like to be associated with in the end. Many people have a tendency to react quickly when they are presented with the truth, instead of taking the time to calmly consider it. This is often a common error that can otherwise be avoided. Sometimes, people feel that the only way to make a difference or show dissatisfaction in a relationship is to take drastic measures such as protests, expressing anger or ending the relationship altogether. In that case, I would suggest that the fact that this person is sharing a part of their life with you does not necessarily mean you should leave, but rather it means you need to comprehend they are revealing something about themselves which has not been seen before.
It is undeniable that secrets are an integral component of our lives. We all have some secrets that we keep to ourselves, while there are other secrets that we may reveal only to a limited number of people. Moreover, there may be certain secrets buried in our subconsciousness that can surface and disrupt the harmony of life. Secrets can be seen as a form of protection, shielding us from embarrassment, shame and rejection. However, at the same time they also prevent us from fully connecting with one another and communicating openly, thus sapping us of our power like the double-edged sword it is, so to speak. I would like to let you in on a personal secret of mine so as to demonstrate this concept. The secret I hold is that I am the illegitimate son of my father, who coincidentally was a Baptist minister - which explains why I was named after him. I was conceived and brought into the world, although my mother and father were never married - in fact, my father was already married and had a family of his own at the time. When I was younger, I had not given the term "love child" much thought until I reached the age of 11. That was when one of my friends asked me, "Willie, did you know that you were a love child?" Confused by what he meant, being only 11 years old at the time, I could not have comprehended his question. As soon as he began to explain the meaning of the term to me, I was already overwhelmed with embarrassment and shame. I felt like I was not somehow on the same level as my friends and some of the other people around me. At around the age of 11 or 12, I started to become more secretive about my family and other current events that were going on. This had going on until I reached my twenties, where I still chose to not mention anything related to them. Even to this day, there is a part of me that keeps these things hidden.
As I had mentioned before, keeping secrets can sap your strength. I desperately desired to shed the feeling of being disconnected from society, as if I was wearing my own personal scarlet letter. Knowing that this had to change, I longed for the burden to be lifted any way possible. As I have matured over the years, I now feel comfortable enough to share a secret that previously had a strong hold over me. This is why I am telling you this here and now - so that it no longer has the same power it once did. Coming to the realization that secrets can be imprisoning, I realized that I did not want to stay stuck in a life which was held up by them. The only way to truly be honest with yourself, stay true to who you are, and live an authentic life is by sharing your experiences with others. Of course, having said that, I am left wondering why we do not attempt to do more of this in relationships. What is stopping us from striving for better connections with the people we are closest to? I believe one of the reasons we do not take risks is because we are afraid of being rejected or deserted. But even though we start revealing parts of ourselves that we have not previously discussed with our family and friends, they often still need time to adjust to the new information and new situation. At times, they may have to modify their behavior to match the situation, or stay in spite of it not being what they had initially agreed to - indicating that your remarks are not in line with what they anticipated. If we took a step back and realized that everyone has hidden thoughts and feelings they have not revealed to each other, it would make us more cautious when considering ending a relationship due to discovering something new yet concerning about the other person.
I want to tell you about one of the difficulties I had in a prior relationship, which I had mentioned earlier. Despite being divorced twice in a row, I was under the impression that my work as a psychiatrist would give me some deeper understanding of my personal life. However, I soon realized that psychiatrists are no different from anyone else when it comes to gaining insights into their own lives. Going through my second divorce, I came to the realization that when I had chosen to marry previously, I had not been completely honest with myself. In my early twenties, I was completely focused on my studies and had little to no time for dating. During those years, I devoted most of my attention to school, namely medical school. Once I completed my schooling, I set out to look for a romantic partner with the intention of achieving what is known as the prototypic American dream: settling down with a spouse, having two or three children, owning a house, and pursuing a successful career. Therefore, I viewed this as the benchmark of success. Like many of you who have done similar things, I never once asked myself if this was really my dream or something that I had been told to pursue because society said it was important. While I was in the middle of my last relationship, I realized that there were many aspects of married life that I enjoyed - such as having children in the family - which ultimately led me to my current case of counting my blessings at the time. But I was still unfamiliar with concepts of fidelity and monogamy, since I had never encountered such matters firsthand before.
I had devoted many years to studying and developing my academic skills, hoping that this side of me would continue to expand. Unfortunately, within the marriage I was in, there was no room for this ideal academic growth of mine. This is why I started going out with other women, even though I was still in a marriage unfortunately. And the fact that marriage and dating do not necessarily go hand-in-hand, thus led me to begin engaging in conversations with my currently former wife. I discussed with her the insights I had recently gained. She listened, however, as is usually the case with honest dialogues, her desires did not align with mine; ultimately leading to the dissolution of our marriage. Although I was apprehensive when I started talking to my wife about affair and divorce matters, I feared that my children, family and friends would lose respect for me once the marriage was called off rather abruptly. Surprisingly enough though, nothing of the sort had ever occurred - something truly remarkable had happened. I showed my wife and family that I was still present by having always cared for them, demonstrating my presence and my loyal heart. My family and friends noticed that I remained in my current lifestyle, despite my wishes to lead a life different from the one society expected of me. By having an honest conversation, both my wife and I were thus able to preserve our relationship and remain friends. Even though much has changed since then, the love I have for my children, family, and friends still remains today. They all understand where I am in life now.
Despite feeling as though it went against my professional standing in society and all of the norms of what is considered socially acceptable, I took a chance by being personally authentic with myself once more. It was a daunting leap of faith, but I felt that it was right within my own personal code. The feeling of being genuine once again gave me a sense of personal power, reminding me of my past when I discussed my childhood. This taught me that staying true to ourselves is the most important thing; we should not pretend to be someone or something different than what we are. I sincerely hope that everyone will strive to be authentic in all aspects of their life. This is my wish for you and everyone else. Many of us have had experiences in relationships where we may have resorted to telling white lies, manipulating, or otherwise deceiving as a means of communication. It is essential that you attempt to approach the situation with integrity, courage, and an open mind. Listening attentively and expressing your feelings are both essential components of this process. To finish off, I wanted to emphasize two points to you. I frequently tell my children a saying that speaks to the strength of being new in an appropriate setting. It goes something like this: "We all possess extraordinary abilities, we just need to find the correct environment to utilize them." It is important to recall that on Krypton, Superman would have been no more than an ordinary human being. Brené Brown's quote also puts into words the importance of being authentic: it is a day-by-day process of relinquishing who you believe you ought to be and accepting your true self. With that, my presentation is finished.
See also: https://mygodsentangels.com/