It's going to be painful, as it was 10 years ago when I fell in love with the person who had such a profound impact on my life. Unfortunately, we haven't spoken for 8 years now. When I was 20, the instant I met her, it felt like my life would never be the same again. After spending time with her on my first visit, I sat in the airport feeling so much that I wanted to tell her but couldn't. Suddenly, a voice announced that flight 320 to San Luis had been cancelled and it seemed like fate was giving me one more chance. I found it strange that the teller told me she would be with me shortly, given that I had been dismissed over an hour earlier. Therefore, I contacted her to inform her of the altered plans. When I was standing in line, I sensed somebody touch my arm. When I pivoted to look, the initial thing that caught my eye was that she had been weeping. I inquired as to how she managed to arrive back so promptly and her response was that she had never left. As we stayed up in the park late into the night, I felt something special stirring inside me and before daybreak I confessed to her that I was starting to fall in love. She replied in an incredibly poetic manner, affirming that it was a positive thing as she already knew she had.
I have begun to understand after many months what I must do in order to have a romantic relationship with someone like her. In order to become a person of worth and value, I started on a journey to discover the best version of myself that I could possibly be. It was a challenge, but one that I chose to take on in order to make myself better than ever before. At every chance I got, I began volunteering and as the football program gained a great deal of recognition across the country, I was certain that she wouldn't be able to overlook what we had accomplished if the team remained in the limelight. I put my utmost effort into improving as a teammate, and being a walk-on, I was aware that the fans in that Stadium wouldn't be shouting out my name. Nonetheless, I was at peace with the situation because all I desired was her approval and affection. I gave a lot of thought to my education and chose to major in Biology out of interest, not due to any particular passion. I devoted myself to studying those books in order to make each classroom more challenging. I could envision her showing up unexpectedly during some evenings when I was in the library working, but only because she did surprise me just like that. Time passed and she said that it was for the best if we just ignored each other, as out of sight, out of mind. Eventually, we stopped communicating with one another altogether. At the beginning of my senior year, I severely injured my knee which necessitated season-ending surgery. However, I was determined not to let that be the end of my story. I put the agony of recovery into separate sections and determinedly went back on to that pitch one final time with the expectation that she might still be observing me. As graduation arrived, I was met with the onset of the Great Recession and thus decided to tackle my problems head-on by constructing what I thought to be the best cardio program possible - running away from them.
I kicked off my global journey of inexperience and as the miles flew by, I kept wanting to reach out and ask if she was feeling just as disoriented as me. Additionally, I pondered if she still thought about me. When I was given the option to remain in transit, I decided to return because I did not feel satisfied with how much I had helped us becoming that particular individual for her. I had understood that it would be difficult, but I also realized this was what she expected of me. I took the initiative to search out a researcher at Washington University in St. Louis, one of the premier medical schools in the nation, and personally presented myself as an eager volunteer by going door-to-door until I found someone who recognized my enthusiasm. As I was taking out the trash one night from my job at a hardware store, where I made almost minimum wage, the bag ripped and all its contents spilled over. In that moment, I asked myself if this was really better than what else life had to offer. I became preoccupied with exploring the life I was fearful of leading, which in turn caused me to seek solace in the armed forces in order to satisfy my philosophical curiosity.
I am by no means extraordinary, yet I still persevered in overcoming the odds and making my way into one of the most competitive programs, with an average attrition rate of 80%, to pursue a career as a Navy SEAL officer - even if this meant having had to battle Giants. At the same time, I began setting up the foundations of my own charity organization titled "I Do It For Her", with the purpose of helping people who are more deserving than I could ever be. It was a long, difficult journey with many personal obstacles before I finally gained admission to the Navy. But those helmets steeled my determination to succeed. Initially, I was denied the opportunity to have reconstructive knee surgery. But fortunately enough, I was subsequently given another opportunity to have the procedure done. I was so fearful that my wounds would make me ineligible for service that I delayed telling my recruiter about them. Several months after my initial attempt, I was successful in passing the physical test when I attempted it a second time. I departed from home to start the arduous 12-week period of basic naval officer training. After only three weeks, I noticed that every morning when I went to the bathroom and looked into the toilet bowl afterwards, there was an excessive amount of blood. With each meal, a deep sense of unease was growing within me, causing an unbearable discomfort. As such, I tried to eat as little as I could until I graduated in order to avoid this pain. After a colonoscopy, the doctor entered and displayed me images of my irritated intestines. He then diagnosed me with serious symptoms of ulcerative colitis. A non-military doctor can be consulted to further discuss this diagnosis. After a somewhat heated discussion about how my dream of becoming a Navy SEAL wouldn't come to fruition, he declared that the only way I would be certain was if he surgically removed my colon. As an alternative, he proposed taking a gamble with medications. Few people are aware of the real trials that must be endured in order to become a Navy SEAL; however, attempting to go through them while struggling with colitis is an agonizing experience. The most desperate measures were taken in an attempt to find any sort of comfort for me. As we were getting ready for the dreaded hell week, a classmate of mine remarked that it would bring out parts of yourself you weren't even aware of. I told my mom, before Sunday just a few days ago when we began this conversation on the phone, that whoever I am speaking to right now will never be the same person again no matter what the outcome of this is.
I remember when we were doing one of the many forms of surf torture, and to keep me going I used to sing a song in my head that I still remember. We were in our underwear, just treading water and the song marked the beginning of an endless cycle as I fantasized about her being at the end of hell week. The music ceased abruptly, and the floodgates were suddenly opened. My inner voice had negative opinions of me; it doesn't think I was a good officer. It believed that I was ill, weak and unworthy of being here. I prayed to God with all my soul to end the agony that I was experiencing, so that I wouldn't have to be shamed by having to abandon the water for hypothermia prevention for my own sake. Despite the fact that my prayer went unanswered, it took me a long time to look to Him for help again. I had falsely idolized the Trident, a symbol of being a seal, as some type of talisman. Even though I had sacrificed so much in pursuit of what I thought was my greatest purpose and felt as if He wasn't fulfilling his end of our bargain. After I attempted to achieve personal redemption by attempting to change my job in the Navy, but was denied and simply given a discharge instead, the manner in which I sank into depression and self-destructive behavior afterwards made me feel as though I was the antagonist of my own story due to feeling like I had failed everyone. I searched for absolution without a guide and no worry about my health or safety. I participated in amateur boxing while I was in college, and I would challenge anyone to a fight regardless of whether or not they were wearing gloves. Some may say that fleeing from your demons is impossible, however people have found a unique way of challenging this theory. This is done through the Running with the Devil race which takes place in the Las Vegas desert and covers 50 miles. I took part during an unbearably hot summer, with "Do Not Resuscitate" written across my chest. I was stuck in a state of mental limbo for a long time, but eventually the thought of her gave me the strength to fight my way out of the darkness and find hope again, even though there were drastic budget cuts going on.
Eventually, my enlistment into the Marine Corps was successfully authorized. After undergoing arduous training, I managed to obtain a highly sought-after place on the exclusive infantry officers course. On the day of my graduation, I felt as though I had finally become someone that I could be proud of. Upon arriving at Camp Lejeune to serve as a rifle platoon commander for the 2nd Battalion 6th Marines, I was quickly exposed to all of the training exercises that we would be undertaking in preparation for our deployment to the Persian Gulf. Unfortunately, this same deployment tragically resulted in the death of one of my fellow 2-6 Marines recently. Due to the intense stress, a biological civil war was raging within me. This required me to begin each morning with vomiting over the toilet. The situation progressively worsened and eventually I had to vomit every hour or so, even during conversations. To alleviate this pressure, I would excuse myself from the conversation in order to purge around the corner. On Monday morning, following a very exhausting weekend during which I found myself gasping for air every time I shifted position on my bedroom floor, I dragged myself to the bathroom and then out to my car. On the way to base, I had to pull over a few times as I was still retching, making sure that I wouldn't pass out while driving. Eventually, I found a piece of paper on my desk that was upside down; however, I pretended to be able to read it with an intense focus due to the Adderall I had taken. As a result, I used the table as support while reading.
Just then, my boss happened to pass by and, upon seeing the state I was in, he swiftly stopped mid-stride and had me sent to the hospital right away. Immediately, upon arriving in the ER, they began administering an intravenous dose of morphine while conducting testing on the patient's boyfriend. The swelling of my stomach had become so extreme that it caused a crease down the middle, similar to one that a pregnant woman would have. After a few hours alone in the hospital room, a woman entered accompanied by a youthful corpsman. Although I still don't have any idea who the person was, the prison sentence that was handed to me by her is something that would stay with me forever. The woman told me, "Lieutenant Casey, the results of your initial blood test have been received and they are not within the usual range." Jim te corpsman pulled up a stool and sat down, while the woman sympathetically placed her hand on my arm while expressing her sorrow at the news of my cancer diagnosis. Lying in my bed, I felt myself sinking further and further into it. I could vaguely make out the shape of my phone nearby, but I did not have the energy to pick it up. Maybe I should call my parents; at this point, all that registered was that 18 or 19 year-old Gorman was still in the room with his jaw dropped open in disbelief. Imagine this: I'm lying in bed with a heavy feeling, and I think to myself, "It's not like you have cancer," before returning to my phone. My parents got on the initial unbelievable journey with uncertainty of whether they would ever get to witness their son once more. There was speculation amongst physicians as to whether the condition was not terminal, though none were willing to commit to a definite answer.
Two days after being examined, the official diagnosis was revealed to be advanced stage four Burkitt's non-Hodgkin's lymphoma and I was quickly transported to a Naval Hospital in Virginia to begin intense chemotherapy right away. A spinal tap is performed when fluids are drained from the lungs and devices are placed into my body organs if they fail, resulting in me becoming a cancer patient. They described it as a tremendous outbreak of cancer, with countless tumors distributed throughout every organ. They had come to the conclusion that the cancer had not spread to my brain, which gave them hope. Despite this, they still insisted on administering chemotherapy directly into it and implanting a device in my chest that would distribute the poison throughout my body. At my weakest point, while I was undergoing six months of chemotherapy, I would close my eyes and attempt to relinquish control. I explored the depths of my being for a hidden hope that if God still believed I deserved an opportunity, He could put an end to my anguish. Every day, when I open my eyes, I'm filled with a seething rage from the memory of that heartbreaking feeling of being abandoned. I attempted to fill the emptiness by picturing her lying next to me in my hospital bed, so that her breathing could muffle the incessant beeping of those machines. I hoped she would look past how unfamiliar and strange I had become and still love this concealed version of myself. I felt like a bystander who was not wanted, and my sense of self-worth was determined by the amount of heroin I injected into my veins, which melted away any semblance of dignity I had left. Instead of being governed by time on the clock, my life revolved around how often I could get this drug. When I achieved remission, instead of feeling thankful, all I could think was what was the point? My "reward" for surviving was a deep depression and an unhealthy addiction to medication. This time I was unable to escape, so I resigned myself to take the plunge off the emotional precipice and go on a symbolic plummet from reality. Eventually, I collided with all of my most powerful fears head-on, forcing me to return metaphorically and physically into the arena in order to settle things decisively at last. I was pummeled relentlessly until my nightmares were replaced with visions of her, even though a device had been removed from my chest.
When I moved to Washington DC, the bell finally rang for me as I began interning at the National Institutes of Health in a clinical research lab that focuses on researching my own cancer, and I was also working as an intern on Capitol Hill with Congresswoman Ann Wagner. With my small voice, I had the chance to point out some of the major problems with this country's VA system. I have been given two opportunities to save myself, and this time I am not attempting to flee from my previous missteps. Instead, I am embracing the thrill of taking on these challenges; one of which involves driving a rally car over 5,000 miles through Europe so that I can participate in a 600 mile horse race across Mongolia. Despite the fact that this narrative is inspired by love, I have a considerable amount of guilt and regret that lurks in my conscience and cannot be erased. My heart has been filled with broken relationships that cannot be mended, causing me to harbor deep-seated feelings of loathing for certain people. I was once motivated by a deep-seated animosity, much like this nuclear reactor on a warship. However, I am now trying to give my heart room to heal again. Undeniably, it is clear that everyone is searching for the right person; yet few are genuinely endeavoring to be the ideal individual. I'm taking a daring journey to get to know the person I am today, all thanks to that girl who has no idea of all the experiences I've gone through in the past decade. The last time we were together, I gazed into her eyes and vowed that I would do anything to demonstrate my love for her - even if it meant altering the world. These incredible events that have taken place serve as reminders of how life tried to break me but ultimately failed. I look back on these moments not as something that defines me, but instead as evidence of the strong foundations my character was built upon. Despite the strong currents of all the experiences I have gone through over the years, I still keep going and never give up on my promise to her. Even though you may only have felt a small taste of such an ocean, I find a reason to keep swimming. I am not here today to campaign for a specific purpose, but rather to present an idea that will remain unshakable unless you choose to abandon it. Take the time to discover who you want to be and never take for granted your ability to have a lasting, meaningful effect on those around you. We all possess this same power within us that can drive others to achieve greatness - even if it requires rearranging the stars. Everything I have done since then is because of her, so thank her and thank you for helping me find my purpose in life.
See also: https://mygodsentangels.com/