Once upon a time, not long ago, I had searched for an intoxicating love story set 5,172 miles away - the protagonists of this tale were two star-crossed lovers interacting with a connection that could only be divine. This guy was beyond perfect in my eyes and I was captivated. At the after-party for a very interesting and informative TV show on exploring sexuality that I was recently working on, I had the opportunity to meet him through one of our renowned and celebrated acquaintances who happened to be deejaying. He had a mysterious allure, tall and dark with intense good looks - the kind that made him seem almost like a rock star. However, he had his downsides too; he was distant and hard to get close to emotionally. Soon enough, our time together quickly multiplied as every day passed by. We began dedicating our days solely to each other's company and enjoying every moment we had in unison. We hung out with our really awesome friends, bouncing from show to show, and never running out of reasons to party. When my hands became arctic from the cold air, he would bring them close to his chest as a kind way of bringing them some warmth. He was my best friend, who I thought would be a part of my life for the long-term. Our bond was unbreakable, and I cherished our friendship deeply. So entrenched was my unwavering faith that when the red flags were raised, I overlooked them and vowed to remain steadfast in my beliefs. Until I could no longer ignore the signs, I had ignored the warnings that surrounded me. The portents were unmissable and clear, yet my attempts to suppress them proved futile in the end.
I became really ill and it had a significant impact on my physical appearance - hence, I could not attend any social gatherings or parties. For the first time in my life, I felt deeply vulnerable due to the fact that I was experiencing a miscarriage of our unborn child. At my lowest moment, when I had reached rock bottom, he left. Devoid of hope, feeling abandoned and emptied of life, he was there no more. It is no joke; in all seriousness, this situation called for prompt action. I had to establish a plan to deal with the issue swiftly and effectively. Taking the necessary steps now could have prevented further complications down the road. Coming down the stairs, I was enveloped by a feeling of determination; I knew that no matter where he went, be it to the end of the Earth, I would follow him out that door. I stayed in my bed, unable to move; worry sank into my spirit and frustration numbed me completely. Anxiety filled me as I thought of all the tasks I needed to do, but whatever hope I had was held back by an insurmountable resistance within me. I rose to discover our home completely emptied of all possessions. Everything had been taken away, leaving our abode bare. The walls were bare, devoid of the paintings that once graced them, and the rooms that reverberated with laughter during our many shared dances now lay hollow and abandoned. I roamed around the different rooms like an animal, releasing loud cries with each step. Gathering my bruised self off the ground, I eventually came to terms with the after-effect of this exhilaration and pleasure - a sense of emptiness. No matter how much joy and magic sprang from that moment, there was nothing left for me but an absolute void. I'd experienced something like that before; the other day, in fact, it had happened again. All I could think about was that I wished things had gone differently.
I was known for always finding my way directly into the midst of disorder and complicated situations. Despite avoiding troublesome conditions, I seemed to instinctively draw chaos to me. I enjoyed being surrounded by chaos, for it provided me a place where I could remain blissfully unaware of any potential issues or questions about myself. I had been lost, losing understanding of my being for an extended period of time - confusing identity and disconnect from what truly made me who I was. That day, I felt that I was not alone on the floor, there was someone; It was me who reflected in the mirror of courage and faith! For quite some time, the thing that held incredible value for us bore little to no meaning at all. It had become nothing more than just an empty shell of its former self. I'm feeling a bit self-indulgent today, to stand here and tell you all about my break-up experience. Although it's just one part of the bigger story for me, it convinced me that there are people out there who don't handle things the best way when it comes to love. Yes, we have all experienced something at some point or another. Experiencing difficult situations and emotions is not unusual, it is a part of life that brings with it the opportunity to grow and deepen our understanding of the world around us. They appear to show love, they feel like love, however when you examine more closely, there is nothing affectionate within. We never stopped desiring and believing in love; for to us, it appears fortified as the answer to all our past and current issues, a navigator for our future endeavors and a constant reassurance of life's purpose. Love can certainly bring beauty and adventure into our lives. Yet, on the flip side, it has been known to act as an unnecessary distraction or escape route in times of need.
I have pondered this notion for a while now, and as initially indicated, and I was once considered the foremost expert in dating across all of the UK. Before deep diving into the world of social media, I was a ghost writer in the pickup industry. To share my knowledge, I now vlog about the reality of love on my very own YouTube channel. When it comes to dating, I have a new approach by now - very minimalistic in nature. Instead of going out of my way and putting in a considerable amount of effort into meeting new people and forging romantic relationships, I focus more on making meaningful connections with those I already have in my life. In pursuit of affection, there is often a risk of it becoming our single purpose and abandoning the hard work to make us whole again. Love can act as an evasion from resolving our inner issues that ultimately bring us true contentment. For sure, I recognize the very natural and human needs for attachment, intimacy, security and love - all goals that are admirable. However, don't get me wrong - these needs come with their fare share of complications. Sometimes, the tactics we tend to use when looking for a relationship can be a bit unusual. Whether that’s getting involved in toxic relationships, possessive behavior, not-so-sustainable dating habits, or the need to have endless dates with various people. Dating in the modern world often involves having someone as a main partner on the front burner, whilst keeping other potential partners on the back burner. The more cautious even have a backup prospect – akin to someone tucked away in the freezer and just waiting for their chance to be put under the grill, should regular love go cold. Loneliness or escapism may be the motivating factor, rather than love in this situation.
The answer does not lie in finding another person, but rather within yourself. Rather than seeking your soulmate or ‘the one', I'm beginning to suggest that true fulfilment and happiness can be found through looking within. We have an innate capacity to find joy and contentment without depending on another person. Sometimes, renditions of love transcending reality take us away from who we actually are. Rather than contributing closeness, the melodrama coated in emotion and idealization leads us astray from discovering one's true self. So my dating advice boils down to: meditating, getting therapy, and reading a book, among other similar things. Sounds funny, huh? Though this millennial generation may not find this approach to be particularly attractive. This generation is used to lightning-fast 4G internet speeds, the convenience of Skype for international calls, and taking part in impromptu Netflix breaks and chill dates arranged with a recent match from Tinder. When we feel like getting immediate human connection isn't something we can access so simply, we not just think that things aren't going our way; but also that what's due to us is being denied. We often come to recognize this sense of expectation due to how use accustomed to instantaneous results. Everybody else seems to have it all figured out - that could be an impression from what you've seen, scrolling through Instagram. We live in a culture that tells us we must have found love or at least be on the path to it, and that we should be experiencing intense passion regularly. This can make us feel like yesterday's activities, whatever they were, were lacking. No one enters into the realm of love with the expectation to become more virtuous, beneficent and rooted. Instead, love is a mysterious journey in its own right that often leads us to a self-reflection of who we are and the wise decisions we make. Our eyes always seek something different, a new opportunity, and a greener pasture which often causes us to be dispassionate from ourselves and the things-that-be. I get why we get easily caught up with all of this; nevertheless, it must be desisted for our betterment. You might have met them at a party, on the train, or maybe through an online dating app like Tinder - what a magical coincidence either way! They seem sexy and it's always so thrilling to connect with someone new - who knows what could come of it!
You and this boyfriend or girlfriend of yours quickly discover that you have quite a bit in common—wow, you both enjoy almond butter and Star Wars, plus you can both rattle off the four Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! We encountered like a remarkable, serendipitous coincidence that seemed bigger than life itself - it was like something straight out of a romantic comedy. Of course, it didn't end quite as happily as those typically do; we can all recognize the tragedy of Romeo and Juliet. When it comes to the "real world" aesthetics of romance, I'm sure we can all proudly proclaim: "Yippee! I'm not alone anymore!" Rejoicing in finding someone special isn't just a callback to Romeo and Juliet, it's a triumph proving you have found your soulmate. Hooray for you in this case! Afterwards, you get to go home every night and snuggle into your bed, allowing yourself to forget all the things weighing you down - be it wants, needs or past issues. Refocusing your attention away from these matters enables you to take a step towards wholesome happiness. You feel an irresistible bond with somebody else, the hypnotic pull you cannot resist; your attention consumed by this individual and their mystery. Although it may appear that you are a prisoner of the situation, gratification is ensnared in the fascinating unknown qualities of the other person. When it comes to love and dating, many of us struggle to attain true happiness. Refocusing on a perfect romance can often detract from the actual work that needs to be done in order to overcome obstacles and achieve contentment. For this reason, taking an epic timeout and doing a reset may be truly beneficial.
For six months, I abstained altogether: no dating, no internet dating, and nothing more than attending two parties. Cold turkey was the chosen method; solitude and introspection were my faithful companions. My love life was so uneventful that folding it all up onto the back of a postage stamp would have been more than enough information to tell its story. It was, in essence, incredibly boring. I previously held so much pride in having a highly eventful and passionate love life, something I look back on with a chuckle now. Two years ago, if I were here, I would have been able to relate some captivating to you stories - tales so enthralling and enticingly full of adventures! After going through it all, I felt I needed to rediscover who I am. Nonetheless, such turbulent times allowed me to unfold a new sense of self-perception and reflect on those moments that mattered most. Ultimately, the long journey has made me crave the knowledge of my personal identity again. When it comes to our dating lives, many of us find ourselves in an endless loop of Groundhog Day - believing that the only cause for this is that we're constantly encountering 'players', nice guys never win, we just haven't found "The One" yet, or simply because dating is a game of numbers. The real problem isn't in other partners, rather it's rooted in us. Our restrictive views on romance, unrealized needs, pasts that we'd rather ignore, our individual yearnings, dependence on phones and contradicting prioritization preferences - it all leads us to face this problem. So I finally decided to take a turn down an entirely different route and chose to start exploring more within myself instead of continuing with this Groundhog Day-like love situation. I felt like it was time to shift my focus and figure out what more life had in store for me.
I was actually born with the name Hayley Whittle, not Hayley Quinn, or anything of the like. In fact, I chose my current name because I thought it sounded cool - thus making it my own pseudonym! When I was born, I grew up in poverty, my parents disabled and me the school outcast girl. Struggling multiple lows, I used to work as a dishwasher, bottling up the lingering emotions of embarrassment and disappointment within. All this pain felt too painful to confront. I chose to escape reality through romance and imagination, running away as a form of personal liberation. This allowed me to avoid facing my difficulties head on. Instead, I put fantasy and love first, opting for a softer solution to difficult problems that sometimes presented themselves in my life. I convinced myself I needed to cease my troublesome behavior, as no matter how much energy I expended running, it didn't allow me to escape my mistakes that kept reoccurring. So in the end, I knew it was wise of me to pause, reflect and take responsibility. I wanted a more intimate experience with my feelings so I decided to stop trying to numb them. As soon as I embraced the full spectrum of emotions, it was noticeable how much more energized and vibrant my life was in response. I'd gone nearly ten years without speaking to my Mum, so it was rather strange when I reached out to her and called her every single day during my first month in tears - usually just blubbering away in tears. As I returned home, it was all so hollow, gloomy and fresh out of something - without a man in my life or a tiny tot around to be taken care. Everything valuable had mysteriously disappeared like if none of them ever existed. Some days I'd wake up and the pain was overwhelming - like my heart was aflame. It was so excruciating that it would take my breath away. Even when it subsided, the ache still remained - pulsating and relentless, commanding my attention and sapping my strength. To fend off the enticing desire to not take that risk of seeking out dating, love, or other forms of attention to alleviate how I was feeling in any given moment was difficult for me.
Eventually though, I reconnected with my family and good friends while my mind started to work again; this was a great turning point in my life. I no longer became preoccupied with constantly going out or if someone had read or responded to my messages on WhatsApp. If you even have a momentous resemblance to my bizarre journey, I'm encouraging and exhorting you to simply take that pause. And here's why - I'm going to argue why this is pertinent and predominant. When coming home at night, I was always somewhat disappointed that my plans were to make chicken soup and read a book. Now? No way! These evening activities are just as enchanting as any date night, even though my soup is more like porridge than what it should be. Also, once you stop relying on some random prince, princess, or anyone else to come save you and make everything better, you can start focusing on the present moment and taking control of your own life. When we live in the present, we become more entrenched in our reality, developing increased efficacy and assurance, refining us into stronger beings that are cognizant of others. Being conscious of both ourselves and those around us helps bring clarity throughout life. People running away all the time tends to be an every day occurrence. Those who manage to reject being drawn into unnecessarily complicated scenarios and instead step back and take a deeper view of the situation find that they gain far more insight compared to the ones who do not. Life presents us with plenty of its own drama, so there's no need to purposely search for more of it. Instead, we should acknowledge the challenges as they come and avoid causing any additional tumult. I finally realized that maybe the people who told me to "be alone, if you wish to meet someone else" weren't so boring after all; they probably were right. Spending time by myself has enabled me to be prepared and open to a potential partner more than before. Sometimes when we take the opportunity to confront our loneliness, face our current issues, tackle our past with its associated pain and bandage ourselves up before moving forward; we no longer get into ill-fated unhealthy relationships or chases to constantly prove our existence. And this is what real love truly feels like.
See also: https://mygodsentangels.com/