You're all looking at me right now and correctly guessed - I'm about to play the piano! It's amazing, we'll have some lovely tunes in a moment. Indeed, I'm classically trained pianist. I understand that having me play for you comes with a sense of pressure, and I'm dreading the potential feeling of disappointment if I mess up. My aim is never to ever let you down, but I feel like even if everything didn't go as planned, nothing would hinder my admiration towards you. I'm wondering if it would be alright with everyone if I don't play and we chat instead? My mother had a vision for me: to have a music school at home where I would teach my children to play the piano. This is why she encouraged me to take up music in the first place. I suppose I feel quite privileged to have been shown so much love and support from someone in my life. It's a struggle for me, as I'm gay and don't have any desires to even have children or play the piano.
Every family has set expectations and obligations, both spoken and unspoken, that result in an implicit contract; these agreements dictate what should be done, how it should be done, and when it should be completed. If you fulfill your end of the deal, love and acceptance will be the rewards that you get - in theory, at least. Most family contracts are often one-sided, lopsided or downright exploitative - making it both a hopeless and desperate situation. Such contractual arrangements usually take advantage of people who may feel obligated to agree, leaving them without much room for opposition. I have here with me Vicky Vox, an expert and fellow artist friend, to share their story of family estrangement. Ms. Vox? "My father and I have had a strained relationship since I was 12 — he never wanted me as either a son or a daughter, and we haven't spoken since then. When I proudly announced my identity as Vicky, a transgender individual, I approached my mother with a sincere plea: I asked that she could remain open-minded and extend her respect to my newly landed name. Sadly, she declined this humble request. My family was incredibly far away from me and I wished with all my heart that we were closer, despite the fact that it seemed impossible."
Our tales are all too common - stories of overcoming difficult challenges and finding progress, of understanding and compassion, of unexpected moments that can truly make a difference. We see it every day in our own lives as well as in those around us. Such experiences are not at all uncommon. Over one in four American adults are separated from their family members, including parents, siblings or other relatives. Estrangement between family members is a difficult process, often brought on by different behaviors and circumstances, such as emotional abuse, value clashes, mismatched expectations, and physical or sexual trauma. In this situation, contact between parties ceases completely, including no more emails and holiday dinners. We seem to be stuck between the tough choices of either self-suppression or tearing away from our families. But could there still be another choice we can make? What is the best option here? Can we potentially find a third path to satisfy both situations? It is possible to lead a healthier life by engaging in open conversations to renegotiate our family contracts. Examining and understanding the underlying elements of such relationships can provide us an effective remedy that could mediate even our most toxic familial discord. The goal is ultimately not only establishing peace and harmony amongst us, but cultivating a sense of respect for everyone involved as well.
A few years ago, I remember going to a trampoline park and having to agree to a contract which stated that if I injured myself, I would not be able to sue the facility for any compensation. Do you know about this type of agreement? I signed this contract 10 minutes prior to my anticipated lawsuit - a full 10 minutes before I needed to sue them. We all know that we often blindly agree to lengthy contracts and agreements without fully understanding the implications of what we are agreeing to. It's like we've forgotten the fundamentals of contract law, completely losing sight. All concepts related such as exchange agreements, terms and conditions, regulatory requirements—all have seemed to slip right out of our memory. I am not a lawyer, so I asked my friend who happens to be one about what really makes a contract work. According to Delphine Supanya Berger, my lawyer friend, a legally binding contract must contain five elements: offer, acceptance, consideration, mutuality and capacity. One: an offered commitment to do or not to do something - abiding by which will lead to all parties' mutual satisfaction. Two: agreeing to the terms and conditions presented. By accepting prior conditions, everyone is bound to observe and comply to them in entirety. Three, a promise of reciprocation, whether in terms of money or some other form of value, is a key consideration that must be kept in mind. Four, mutuality is essential in any agreement, so all parties involved have to fulfill the duties they have committed to without fail. This means taking ownership and ensuring everyone upholds their obligations so that everyone gets the agreed upon outcome. Sticking to this ideal helps to strengthen relationships built on trust and understanding. And five: everyone involved in entering into a contract must possess full capacity, as in legal age and sound judgement. All parties must be of a mature age to thus make rational decisions.
Family obligations and legal contracts are similar in many aspects. Both require individuals to adhere to certain responsibilities and agreements, making it important for them to maintain a sense of commitment and understanding in order to uphold their respective obligations. It is just that the offer is usually one-sided and accepted reluctantly, where the consideration provided is not clear and often dictated by the elder family member in an unequal exchange especially when the minor is not a legal adult. This results in the lack of true mutuality as both parties must be freely willing to make these exchanges. An example of a biased family contract would be If you wish to participate in activities that involve your toys, then you are expected to practice the piano more. If money for learning this instrument is desired, then help should be provided around the house. Furthermore, if making your home under ours is desired, then achieving consistently excellent grades in school needs to be prioritized. Obeying your father and respecting your mother, plus caring for your elderly parents, honoring the ancestors and providing a male heir are all customary expectations when coming from a traditional Chinese household. Do I need to continue listing them? You enter the world incurring a debt and pay off the costs of actual living during your entire lifetime - as if you had student loans. Whether those expenses are for housing, healthcare, education or any other services that you require, you must settle the outstanding amount at some point.
Legal contracts and family ones can both be renegotiated. If we can, for example, alter the terms of existing legal arrangements, then why not change the terms of relationships between family members while we are at it? My parents were "freedom swimmers"; not simply doing a 200-meter freestyle from the YMCA, but taking an incredibly dangerous journey and literally swimming across the southern sea from China to Hong Kong in a desperate escape from oppressive Communist rule – without anywhere near enough money for seats on even an illegal boat. My grandparents were tragically killed due to their opposition to the ruling political class, leaving my parents in a desperate situation requiring them to seek refuge in America. Once they arrived, they were confronted with an entirely different culture and spoke a foreign language, all while striving to find success in a strange new land. I was born and raised in the bustling New York City where I spoke Cantonese, until I started attending preschool and learning English. My parents held me to a very high standard, inevitably higher than existed when they were growing up, which only led to disappointment and frustration for my side of the story. Despite having relatively more advantages in comparison to my parents, the unrealistic expectations that had been placed around me proved difficult to live up to. Being gay violated the family's values and expectations, leading me to feel immense guilt in my youth. This was because I wasn't fulfilling their hopes of having grandsons, and dishonoring all of the ancestors who had made great sacrifices for me to live. I was firm on my decision of not revealing my feelings to my parents, as I didn't want them to be upset with me. I was absolutely determined not to reveal my secret, no matter what happened. I was willing to take it with me to the grave. I even attempted to flee by living in other countries, however, the result was not successful. Nothing I did managed to worsen my predicament. I remained obligated by the contractual agreements of my family; unable to break free from these bonds. The moment I realized staying hidden was no longer an option, I chose to walk a third path: confrontation. With this decision, I was aware it was impossible to turn back the clock but despite that fact, I felt liberation. Lay out the contract on the table, point out what isn't working for you, and renegotiate a new agreement – that's the key when it comes to contracts, especially family expectations.
The stakes were high, but I was resolute - there was no avoiding a plan of action. Consequently, I chose to combine five-phases for the process of renegotiation. First and foremost, I needed to identify areas where agreements were lacking, or unrealized expectations that both parties held. The first step is to listen to the other person and show your awareness of what they are saying. Acknowledgement doesn't mean that you agree with their views, only that you have heard them and recognize what they expressed. My dad once exclaimed to me, "You are gay and teaching spirituality; you're a hypocrite!", to which I simply repeated back what he had said. I likewise told Dad, "I understand your concerns about me being both gay and teaching spirituality. You might feel like I'm being hypocritical, but I want to assure you that's not the case." I heard and understood what he was saying, and let him hear his own words by repeating them back to him. Doing this in a neutral tone also helps to create empathy that leads to the second step - expressing how I am really feeling. It broke my heart to hear that my dad feel disheartened about not being able to feel the same love for me that I could for him. Being open and honest is the best way to effectively communicate your emotions so the other person can understand them. Expressing your true feelings will allow that person to perceive the impact of their words on you. Once all the issues on the table have been discussed, it's time to follow the third step and bridge the disconnect between your stories. Make sure to emphasize your understanding of their thoughts and feelings without pointing any fingers, while expressing yourself and your needs at the same time. In my own case, I told my dad, "I understand the importance of tradition and valuing our ancestors which I am grateful for, and you for risking your life to come to America. However, I cannot change my homosexuality which unfortunately may be hurtful for you. But please understand that I cannot pretend to be something that I am not." Once you've effectively communicated your wants and needs to your partner in a way that can be easily understood, this prepares you for the next stage; requesting your desires from the relationship. I myself would really appreciate my dad's support, even if our values and beliefs didn't align. I hoped that, if it's something he desired, we could continue to develop our relationship, including my participation in his life. Finally, everyone must click on the agree button to complete the process. Invite them to do so and let them know what you want. It is essential to offer them the option to evaluate whether they are qualified to fulfill your request. Giving them such a choice enables them to make their own decisions. After all, I asked my dad in return, "I'm not sure what to make of things right now. So what's your opinion?"
For those of you experiencing unhealthy family dynamics, the five simple steps that I have provided are here to help in your cases. Being gay has been an important part of who I am. It is something that I embrace, discuss, and promote proudly. This example isn't exclusive however; anyone and everyone can always find opportunities to speak about their personal beliefs or experiences no matter the situation. This dynamic of renegotiation can be applied to all contracts that are considered to be unhealthy or unsatisfactory. Through this process, it is possible to revise and amend the terms of the contract so as to ensure a healthier agreement is in place. But, it does not always guarantee a happy ending. Depending on the situation, the outcome could vary. When I inquired about my dad's ability to support me as I am, he just answered no. With that, I'm thinking of ways to use his reply efficiently and be creative in my approach. It calls for me to solve challenging problems and to contribute fresh ideas. Having received a definite answer, it is now time to take active steps towards freeing yourself from this toxic relationship. This process should abide by strategies such as setting healthy boundaries, identifying behaviors that are no longer acceptable and taking necessary measures to protect oneself. Beginning the process of grieving the loss of a beloved family member who you had counted on to always be by your side can be difficult. There is naturally an emotional toll that follows when you realize they will no longer be there to provide their unwavering support and love in your time of need. Sometimes, getting a rejection for something you want can be tough, but it's important to focus on the positives that come with having made the effort regardless. You no longer have to succumb to "what-ifs," having proven to yourself that you did your best. But breaking up with your family does not mean erasing the good memories you had with them. It is important to remember the past and all of the significant moments in life, regardless of how the relationship changed. It's true that it takes courage to free oneself from someone who can't appreciate who you authentically are; but while this might be a difficult choice, the reward is well worth it. By releasing yourself of rejecting influences, you gain permission to be unapologetically yourself. Vicky explains, "Breaking up with my parents seemed innate yet essential if I was going to become true to myself. Deep inside, I yearned for them to chose me, but that didn't happen. So I realized the choice had to come from me and I started choosing myself instead." My mom and I renegotiated how to communicate differently, which helped me learn to choose myself too. As for my dad, it's kind of like playing the piano; I don't have high hopes of coming back around to those issues anytime soon. Renegotiating or breaking up with your family can be daunting, but it gives you something invaluable - the courage and self-respect that come from asserting what you need. This doesn't necessarily lead to a perfect ending, but it does create space for new understanding and connections. We often find ourselves navigating our relationships with other people, trying to shape and redefine them throughout our lives. However, no matter how hard we try, at the end of the day you can't ignore who you are and what that means. I find myself wondering, are you living according to your own will or do the family contracts and expectations that remain unspoken and unwritten control your life and make you apprehensive? Take a good look and a deep dive into whether it is beneficial for your development, regardless of which culture you belong to or identifying label-be it male, female, straight, queer, or beyond- to review and build upon the unspoken family contracts that are no longer reliable. Are you ready now to challenge them? We can grateful if our families are willing, and we get the opportunities to experience healthier and more fulfilling relationships. However, even if they do not grant us permission, let us take comfort in knowing that we have done our best and that we can now pursue what makes all of us happy - living life to its fullest on our own terms.
See also: https://mygodsentangels.com/