For the past 28 years, I have extensively studied countless romance and relationship patterns and one constant finding that emerged is that most of us know what it feels like to be overwhelmed with sentiments of wildness and unpredictability during the start of a fresh relationship. You feel absolutely consumed with thoughts of this particular individual, whether it's being too distracted to sleep, eat or work due to the rush of adrenaline and excitement that comes when you even see them. You can't help but observe an obsession-like state where nothing else matters but their presence. If I asked you to close your eyes and really try and remember the amazing, powerful feeling that comes over us, physiologically speaking, then I'm sure you could do it. For me this is easy; after all, I've been married for 22 years! At the start of a new romance, we often find ourselves in an heightened state of arousal making us question: "What am I feeling? Is it lust or is it love?" Drawn to the bigger emotion, there can be a complex divide between our desires and longings. If I could show you that there were four clear indicators that tell the difference between feeling lust or love? That would be great wouldn't it? These two feelings are so different from each other, but soon you won't have to spend time wondering which one you're actually experiencing.
When you feel overwhelmed by sexual desire and arousal for someone, that's lust. Your body reacts quickly as it floods with sex hormones, leaving you full of uncontrollable thoughts and urges. Lust is a form of attraction based purely on physical and sexual appeal, wanting nothing else than to indulge in the physical act itself. At the start of a new relationship, we often experience heightened emotions that cause us to view our partner in an excessively idealistic way. We build them up, overlooking their true nature and focusing instead on seeing them as we wish or need them to be. At the commencement of a passionate affair, love makes us blind to all faults. Thus remarkable aspects become insignificant such as her pack of plush toys or his lack of knowledge regarding hangers. We become infatuated and overlook these discrepancies in our significant other’s character. As relationships progress, those same behaviors that were initially intriguing and attractive start to become more annoying and irritating. This is when we begin to realize another person's flaws, faults, and imperfections. We all have flaws; no one is perfect. At this stage of a romantic relationship, lust declines for many couples. Unfortunately, my research demonstrates this decline in all types of relationships. To make amends, I want to discuss ways to reignite lust in long-term loving partnerships. My work with couples has confirmed that it is possible to do so! All romantic relationships experience a drop in lust during their course, and if the relationship is nurtured and allowed to grow, that lust can transform into love. So it is important to bear in mind that this undeniable decline in desires is to be expected, and should not be contrary to forming lifelong loving relationships. Love is an emotion which runs deep, boasting a physiological basis. Oxytocin, the hormone known for triggering relaxation and cementing emotional ties, is released when we are in love. This has profound effects on our wellbeing as it encourages connectedness to another human being. Those wild sex hormones certainly ignite lust in our bodies, yet sometimes this can actually have an opposite effect. Instead of feeling more aroused and desirous for intimacy, we may start to feel less interested in it and experience a decrease in libido as a result. Four cues to distinguish between lust and love are more than just hormones, intensity, time, and biology. Basically speaking, the two feelings still differ due to the chemical balances accountable. Lust is a stronger initial emotion that may have some additional desperate emotions added in and tends to come on faster than love.
When you're in love, one of the earliest signs to look out for is connection: the desire to link throughout the important people in your partner's life. That's when you know the relationship has a special potential. You want to show off your new friend to your friends and family, have a great time with them joining in the fun together, and impress them with your choice of people. Hang out, like, and spend quality time together – that's what you wish most! You don't keep your interests, passions and hobbies to yourself – rather, you develop and bring them out into the world, sharing them and introducing them to your passions once more. Showing the people who matter to you what matters most for you is what it’s all about. When two individuals feel deeply in love with one another, they naturally switch to using “we” language instead of the singular “I” language. This is the second sign that the couple’s lives have become intertwined, when they perceive themselves not as independent beings but rather united both emotionally and mentally. The more overlap that exists between two people's lives in regards to their friends, interests, and circles–the more intertwined their lives become–the more mutuality flourishes. Mutuality is when both individuals form an "us" or "we" versus simply describing the relationship with an isolated "I". Like for instance, "Last weekend, we had a great time doing couple activities; like going out to dinner, catching a movie, or even going up north. We had an enjoyable time together!" If you are trying to understand the differences between lust and love, it's important to look closely at your words. If it's mainly about "I" instead of about "we," it likely signifies that there is only lust involved. On the other hand, genuine love involves addressing yourselves as “we." Love motivates us to open up and disclose our thoughts, feelings, experiences, and desires to that special someone. Through the third sign of self-disclosure, we become more vulnerable and so we try to express ourselves as best as possible. This bridges the communication gap between two people in a relationship. When falling in love, it's common to want to share our ambitions and desires, discuss life experiences, plans for the future and exclusive information with this person. In some cases we'll even divulge previously-untold secrets we've kept close to us. In a relationship, self-disclosure can be compared to an onion. We can think of our outer layers as the superficial aspects of ourselves, while peeling away those layers will get to the core and reveal deeper, more personal and intimate details about us. When you're in lust, it's the superficial projections of yourself that come through; only peeling away a few of the layers to reveal your interests, likes and dislikes such as movies and music. The deeper core of you remains unexposed. When you have feelings of love, you think and talk in a very meaningful way – no more surface conversations. You give and receive information on different subjects that are important to both parties while also delving into each topic much deeper and more personally. Ultimately, your conversations reach their core emotions and levels of understanding. If you're wondering about the difference between lust and love, examine the types of discussions you have with the person. Do you find yourself talking deeply on a variety of topics or just shallow ones? This can give an insight into your true feelings. When two people are in a romantic relationship, the feelings and actions of one can have a meaningful and strong effect on the other. Both partners will be influenced by one another, resulting in the pair being more connected and impacted by each other's actions than those not involved with each other. If you have an opportunity of moving to another state because of a job and/or experiencing any kind of life-altering situation – like encountering a health crisis, abruptly losing your job, or mourning the loss of someone close to you – it is important that you consult your partner for social support and guidance. If something great has happened to you like winning the lottery or receiving recognition at work, you may want to let a special person know and share your joy with them. They would definitely be ready to join in celebrating these occasions with you!
Lust and love are diametrically opposed feelings, causing couples to regularly struggle in maintaining the initial alluring longing – which we commonly refer to as ‘lust’ - in their lives over extended periods of time. However, it is absolutely possible to recreate this particular longing within any relationship. If you want to reignite the passionate, loving desire shared between you and your long-term partner, consider incorporating the three behaviors that originally ignited the lust when you first met. My research states that these three behaviors can make all the difference in creating a stronger bond or rekindling a lost spark. Starting fresh, taking the opportunity to reintroduce and intensify the connection and passions between you that may have diminished over time can reignite your relationship. Performing ceremonial exchanges or taking on activities that recall how you interacted at the beginning of your dating period, can be a valuable way to mirror these moments of mutual interest. At the very start of your relationship, everything was novel and stimulating – all dates, all eateries that you tried out-generated excited arousal because of their newness. To reawaken such thrill, focus on bringing in new activities to do together. This is key to igniting the passion again. The feeling of lust in a relationship can lessen as the initial years go by. To bring back that spark, couples need to look for new and adventurous ways to have fun together. This can start with a simple change - perhaps trying out a restaurant on the other side of town that you both haven't been to? The element of surprise, added with a little bit of mystery, is also essential for elevating the lust factor in a long-term relationship. There should always be that 'wow!' feeling there. Remember to switch things up and make sure your partner won't have quite predicted what comes next for the two of you! At the start of your relationship, discovering interesting facts about your partner sparked a real excitement and curiosity. You were amazed when she mentioned having a pet snake, marveling "What? Wow!" And exploring his childhood memories of bonding with his grandmother served as an intriguing point of connection between you two. As a relationship progresses, so does the understanding one has of their partner's personality – from lazily spending Sundays together to noticing that she snores and he chews with his mouth open. This intimate knowledge is both wonderful and challenging, as it gradually builds love but at the same time subdues initial passions or lust. You can inject some surprise and mystery to your relationship by engaging in lingerie and role-playing activities or going to creative lengths such as showing up at your partner's work place for lunch, dinner, or a startled text message. One wife from my wedding and divorce study even found that taking her husband on a treasure hunt all around the city without her, leaving little notes as she went, provided an unexpected yet exciting experience for him, that added some spice and spark to their relationship afterwards. A relationship scientists' suggestion for reigniting lost lust within a relationship is to engage in arousal producing activities. Despite seeming risqué, such activities remain relatively clean. These activities provide an "adrenaline rush" – an arousal that carries over and is transferred onto your partner and connection in general. Arousal producing activities can be an effective way to boost your relationship and make you both more connected. In essence, you are "tricking" your mind by linking a feeling of excitement or arousal to the act of being together with your partner instead of the physical activity that caused it in the first place. Exercising, laughing, silently enjoying the movies, rollercoasters and all kinds of other activities can fuel the passion in your relationship. Ride together if you choose to spin on any scary amusement park ride, as that arousal might end up sparking something unintended with someone else, especially if splitting up. Lust and love might be vastly different, yet moments of passion remain a highlight in our lives and relationships. This can be evidenced by almost anyone sharing their experience, often accompanied with a smile of remembrance. I'm not trying to disregard the importance of lust in relationships, as it truly is fun and wonderful. However, when it comes to keeping long-term partnerships happy and secure, love is ultimately what binds people together over time. Lust just isn't enough to sustain a relationship, no matter how enjoyable it can be. Love is an incredibly meaningful experience, where people share a deep connection of interdependence and understanding. Mutual disclosure and communication are central components in fostering such bonds, encouraging thriving and flourishing relationships to blossom. You do not have to choose between love and lust in a relationship; they can work beautifully together. Couples can have both loving feelings and physical desires, making their relationship much more fulfilling. You can bring the same “lustful desire” back into your loving long-term relationship – and it’s so enjoyable to say that phrase! – clinging to that zest no matter how many years you have spent together. It's amazing how simple and easy it is - so what are you waiting for, go get it! No need to hesitate nor really thank me for my advice either; this is too good of an opportunity to pass up.
See also: https://mygodsentangels.com/