Although this "Kissing" song was part embarrassing act and part prediction, it was still a fun song we all used to sing when playing at the playground as kids. It was a song of how I, Tracy, and my sweetheart would fall in love, happily wed soon after, and later have a small baby carried in a baby carriage. Of course, I still learned a lot about love, marriage and having a family from that fun childhood memory. The song "Love, marriage, baby carriage" is simple but so meaningful in addressing its theme. It speaks volumes - when you fall in love, commit to marriage and then build your family together. I absolutely get it now. Life eventually revealed itself to be more entangled than I initially expected. There were different highs and lows - love, marriage, divorces, dry spells- all intertwined together until ultimately culminating in a situation of co-parenting followed by another marriage and then yet another painful divorce. I'm no stranger to marriage; having been wedded three times on my journey. Unfortunately, I've had to experience the undesirable side of relationships too, and I can now proudly say that I am repeatedly divorced after those many matrimonies. I may seem like a total failure in relationships, but the truth is that I still kept marrying the right person. It's not that I chose bad guys - none of my husbands was ever a conscious decision. My past married life was worth celebrating as my first two husbands each found amazing spouses after our divorce. And, although my divorce from my third husband was sad, fortunately, we remain friends today on Facebook. Now that is what I would call a win-win-win! After the collapse of my third marriage in 2005, I finally realized that I wasn't just actually marrying everyone around me, but was also avoiding marrying myself. Once I learned to love myself - embrace all the failure, successes and deal with life's challenges courageously - only then would my relationships manifest into something great.
The topic at hand being women inventors, a focus point I'd like to explore is the concept of intentionally constructing relationships. In other words, "inventing relationships" entails creating or manipulating connections between two parties through mutual compromise and understanding. Marrying myself has been a transformative experience for me, and it has come with many learnings through trial and error. It's an idea that I now deeply believe in - the concept of loving oneself deeply, wholly embracing one's own being, and affirming self-worth unconditionally. Marrying yourself, a concept equally as immense as marriage itself, summarizes to the idea that you pledge to be in an intimate relationship with yourself; for the sake of commitment, you exchange rings just as traditional marriage symbols. Commitment to oneself is the first step towards building a healthy relationship with one's own self; understanding that no outside influence - neither people nor circumstances - possess what you as an individual require in order to discover your true integrity and wholeness. This is where transformative and life-altering epiphanies begin to happen to you and for the greater good too. I completely understand why people might hesitate and question my standing to lecture about marriage given my status of being a three-time divorcée. Despite this, I still have the conviction that I am in the right position to provide advice on matrimony. The areas in life where you have the greatest obstacles can conversely become the places where you have even more to offer when you take time for your own self exploration and growth. It's almost as if these trials contain a hidden reward: forces that push back provide an opportunity for transformation into something stronger and more meaningful. I truly needed to marry someone within - ahem - myself. That is why I have realized the importance of reaching within and developing a deep introduction between the self-facets of my identity that would form into a lifelong companion: me. I grew up in Minneapolis and had a very hard start to life, as my mother was both a prostitute and an alcoholic. In lieu of unsustainable conditions, she decided to put me into foster care when I was only 3 months old, I know. My father, who had a heart of gold, led several lives: that of a criminal, and drug dealer as well as pimp. Recently released after his most recent 20-year sentence in prison, he was an estranged presence in my life because until the age of nine I lived in about two dozen foster homes. I was determined to never be left alone or abandoned again, to which the only way I saw this reality coming true was through love and marriage. Growing up, this been my simple yet powerful dream -- something magical beyond the struggles of my childhood. At 19, I got married for the first time to a guy I had met two years previously, when I was 17. He was really amazing - excellent pedigree and an MBA too! It certainly seemed like he had all the credentials for a successful marriage. I felt genuinely delighted to finally be part of a family, for the first time in my life. It was an incredible feeling that I had found a place where I could belong and make connections. However, it all came to an end five years later when we decided to go our separate ways. Ten years later, I got remarried to a second wonderful man, the father of my son who is presently 16 years old. Although our relationship began marvelously, I had to end it after four years together. Still, he remains a great guy and we remain friendly in spite of parting. I may not boast with pride when I say this, but part of self-marriage is understanding and accepting my own mistakes. It requires excruciatingly telling the truth to oneself - which is something that I don't find easily complimentary toward myself. Nonetheless, it is necessary for attaining true bliss. Eight years after my second marriage ended, I felt ready to tie the knot again even at the age of 40 – and this time I knew it was right. It's tragic and a bit humorous when a guy who has been married for nine months begins to date someone who is only 21-years old, but that's why we are now Facebook friends despite the circumstances. "Marriage?!" I thought, looking at this man with a terrible track record in relationships. "Is this the person I should marry?" In the end, the answer was yes.
The commitment associated with marrying yourself is a lifelong one, more so than when entering into a traditional two-person relationship. Taking vows and forming a self-union requires the utmost serious consideration as your decision will be binding until death do you part. First and foremost, I vow, to myself, to love myself equally through times of trial and triumph. Promising to stand still with me during moments of financial gain or loss, I make a commitment of self-love, which will never waiver in either prosperity or adversity. You wouldn't propose to someone at the corner of Hollywood and Vine or tell them you'll love them once they lose ten pounds. Moreover, you won't promise someone your love contingent upon having not married a "loser" - deciding otherwise would generally designate it's over before it even had a chance to begin. I discovered that the experience of marrying myself, walking down the aisle to myself, could only be accomplished by embracing and cherishing exactly who I am. This paradoxical insight helped me realize that in order to successfully move forward with my life, self-love is a fundamental prerequisite. For better or for worse, we commit to loving and accepting ourselves just as we are. That doesn't mean only cherishing the moments when things are good –like when I'm having a particularly nice hair day– it also means being there for ourselves during times of difficulty and challenging moments. Maybe it’s hard to watch the life you wanted going in a different direction – missing out on securing a home, having struggle to pursue and maintain certain career goals, dropping out of college or not finding true love. Those moments can be considered some of the biggest life disappointments. When it comes to life, the overall result may not always be what we envisioned. We might fight with those whom we love, or find ourselves too immersed in reality television. However, undertaking to commit to and marry ourselves means that no matter what challenges arise in life, we are expected to stay loyal and remain present. You make a pact to always remain devoted to yourself, in good and bad times alike, by forgiving your flaws and learning the lessons from each mistake. Marriage implies unconditional love and support, two ends of the same continuum; in order to fully love yourself you must also unconditionally accept even your missteps. Life does not just give you what you wish for. Rather, it supplies the opportunity to build and exhibit patience through people, situations, and places; like waiting in line at a bank to practice patience. The thing that life allows us to learn multiple times is that if you don't get it right the first time, it will come around again; life is incredibly generous this way. For example, I didn't understand the importance of marriage in my first two relationships but then I did with my third. I took away a valuable lesson during the despair of my third marriage: “in sickness and in health”. Learning to take care of myself during difficult times, such as sitting by my own bedside and knowing how to hold, nurse and comfort myself showed me that I can always rely on myself during hardships. When it comes to truly committing to oneself, there is no more meaningful gesture than "marrying yourself". To "have and hold" simply means to love and accept yourself in the same manner that you hope another person would. I had always been lacking something in my life and felt incomplete - like half a person. I sought to fill this void through relationships with others, believing I needed someone's love to feel whole. But the truth was that the only way for me to experience wholeness was if I learnt to love myself first.
Marrying yourself has a transformative power that reaches far beyond the matrimonial union. It affects every single area of life, from your work and business to family and parenting relations all the way to your social circles and close friendships. When you marry yourself, an incredible transformation happens; you are capable of a love that embraces others just as unconditionally and profoundly as the love you have for yourself. You will gain a new understanding of how to accept and appreciate people for who they are. When I made the bold and inspiring choice to wed myself, I felt more content than ever and realized that I already had something greater within me that no other person or material thing could provide. Now, my objective is to spread love and light in whatever small ways possible across my little corner of the world. When I take meetings, it's all about discovering how my unique strengths can help the other person achieve their goals. In my social circles, I always strive to find something that only I can bring. And with dates, it's an opportunity to get to know someone else for a brief but fun moment in time. I am continuously striving to figure out the answer, though I have yet to arrive at any conclusion. We all share this common quest — one that takes perseverance and dedication. Thirty minutes into my first date with someone months ago, my focus shifted away from whether he liked me and more to how I felt in his company. I noticed an unexpected relation of lightness, happiness and joy as we chatted and joked around. I felt genuinely excited after reflecting on the date, which demonstrated my commitment to myself. Seeing that I was taking this whole experience for outer growth rather than trying to impress my date made me realize that the most important relationship I will ever have is with myself and this other person is just another way to nurture that relationship. It's amazing that after all these marriage attempts, we're still together and it turns out he likes me! I'm not clamoring for security or a "baby carriage" but just to be in a relationship. So I knew better by slowing down on the thought of marriage this time as I'm seeking only love, not something else. The words "Will you marry me?" might be very powerful, but no matter what I don't need to hear them from him - I have already confirmed the feelings for myself. Emotionally speaking, I have made a sacred commitment on my own to my own person, as if standing at the crest of a mountain or the depths of the ocean. I knelt down and vowed: "I will never abandon myself." Now, I am happily married to me, something that I have always wanted for myself for a while. I thank my readers for sharing this journey of self-discovery with me.
See also: https://mygodsentangels.com/