I, Antonio Pasquale Leone, am a clinical psychologist that examines the effects of emotion on psychotherapy through research. My work focuses mainly on exploring how feelings and experiences alter psychological treatments. I'm gonna be discussing ways to cope after the ending of a relationship today. Various strategies may help individuals process and cope with the end of a partnership, and I hope to provide some tips on how to navigate through this difficult period. If you have experienced an important relationship in your life that left you feeling stuck and loaded with unresolved negative emotions, this talk is something you should pay attention to. Here, we refer to it as "unfinished business". Grieving the loss of someone close can be a traumatic experience, as well as attempting to move forward following betrayal or abuse from a loved one such as a family member, friend, co-worker, or partner. It can be relatively simple yet painful or significantly more complicated in dealing with a breakup. Moving on can certainly seem to be a matter of time. When people make the decision to come to therapy, I'm often asked how long it'll take them to see improvements or for positive changes to occur in their life. I asked "How are you doin'?" and he bitterly replied, "I wish it was two years from now, since that'd be the same amount of time I needed to cope with a divorce before." People often think the bad feelings associated with betrayal will pass in due time, but if the emotions are overwhelmingly negative then this idea proves to be false. Recovery from a deep and profound wound like that isn't as effortless as getting over a hangover.
This phenomenon is studied by researchers, however it can be challenging due to the issue of accurately labeling it. For some people, this process appears as if stuck in time and has been referred to as "time freezing". There is an immense amount of research dedicated to understanding this strange event. People started to call because of the early treatment study led by Les Greenberg at York University that put up signs inquiring "Do you have emotional baggage related to a relationship?" and "Do you need help with your unfinished business?” Without even knowing the diagnosis, many people had paid close attention to these questions. Researching therapies usually requires offering a free session to the participants so that behaviors associated with getting better can be analyzed. Even after doing this, a lot of time is spent looking at what people do that seems to correlate with an improvement in their condition. Some people question the reliability of the research, but is it really so different for everyone? The answer is no; the findings may differ depending on the study conducted, but overall, the results are consistent with each other. People facing issues usually follow a three-stage order to tackle the problem, although this pattern involves occasional reversals and inconsistency. The steps one must go through progress in the order of moving forward two steps, then retreat with one step. There seems to be a universal map pattern linking all of the grieving parts of our lives, something so powerful and integral that no matter where we look, it can be seen. This map guides us in remarkable ways and plays an invaluable role in our everyday experiences.
First of all, when people have unfinished business, it is essential to take a sequence of steps in order to resolve the situation. Unfortunately, it's easy to get stuck at any point during this process. Fortunately though, there are several measures we can take to help move things forward and get people unstuck. A businesswoman takes the initiative to mentor a junior partner and train him or her in order to build a productive working relationship. However, when the progress appears to come a stall, the junior partner plans to break away and work separately with new ambitions. It was a close and collaborative business relationship which abruptly ended, leaving those involved feeling like it was almost an unreciprocated break-up; regardless of the investments of time, effort, and emotion put into it. When my females coworker mentions industry conventions and other related topics, I can't help but think "What if that person's there too? It would be really uncomfortable!" When she says "I don't know" along with "um" and "uh", she is indicating how important the topic is. We aren't facing the issue; instead, we are actively avoiding it. It’s as though they expect the situation to magically go away if given enough time, but avoiding it won't lead to any positive changes. Keep breathing and tolerating some exposure to the feelings until you become accustomed to this new normal. Make sure to get in there and actively work through your emotions so you can internally move forward confidently. We usually stay away from the source of distress, be it persons or reminders, because it's unpleasant. Even though the feeling of sadness isn't quite understood and the worst part is not known, there still remains a very overwhelming sense of discomfort. People usually have a hodge-podge of sadness and anger all lumped together, like a glob of brightly colored kids' plasticine that has been mashed together. When expressing anger you tend to puff out your chest and take up more space, whereas when experiencing sadness you may withdraw and collapse inward. When both tasks are attempted simultaneously it is stated as “getting stuck” often expressed in complaints and whines. Taking some time to clearly explain the difficulty or misery brought by stuck situations is necessary. It should be verbalized in operative phrases in order to make sense of it. Some people become so preoccupied with blaming the other, that it eventually turns into anger and hatred. This is due to wanting to reject and avoid anyone associated with the negative situation, instead of focusing on what they would prefer to see come out of it. It's ok to take some time away from a relationship that has been abusive or had boundary issues, but eventually you'll have to face the issue head on in order to move forward. Without tackling the root cause of the problem, there's ultimately no lasting solution. The way a girl's romantic relationship ended could have made her feel something - it was like her father was looking down on her, almost scornfully. The last time she ever saw my father, he threw a pack of cigarettes in her direction and harshly proclaimed, "There. That's the last thing you'll ever get from me." Yes, relationships always hurt and understanding what caused that hurt can be difficult. It's important to take the time to focus on your feelings rather than avoiding our feelings of being empty or lonely. Figuring out what pains us the most is essential in order to move past feeling upset.
The end of a relationship can have a huge effect on some, leaving them feeling "bent out of shape". In such cases, Step 2 is necessary; it involves recognizing and addressing the source of pain -which is usually their "Achilles heel". The end of the relationship rocked you, stirring up some deeper, older, and uglier feelings that had been buried inside. The first time I experienced a truly shocking heartbreak was when I was still young and couldn't understand why the relationship was over; it felt like a mercy killing when she said, "You just aren't good at getting stuff done.” I already had plenty of my own insecurities when it comes to this issue, so when I heard that comment it stirred up my doubts even further. It left a strong imprint on me because I felt like there was some truth in it. For most people who get stuck, they end up blaming and doubting themselves, saying "Did I really deserve this mistreatment or neglect? Am I truly incompetent, unlovable, and uninteresting?" These become their personal poisons. A woman, having been cheated on, would feel humiliated and naively idiotic. People can get caught in this pattern where instead of choosing to back away, they stay stuck and fail to break out. They don't feel confused or bewildered like during the earlier steps; instead, they are punishing themselves with negative thought and judgement over something related to their involvements in the relationship. If you feel vulnerable, broken, and like there's a sense of familiarity to it, you may be stuck in this place. You know it all too well; it's the same old story. Some people may not experience the same level of impact when faced with adversity. However, for others (especially those with a history of abuse or neglect), this story is all too familiar. Truth be told, they are often vulnerable to it and can easily succumb to its effects. Feeling overwhelmed and sleeplessness can lead to depression and anxiety. Many people aren't sure how to cope with these symptoms. What further steps can be taken to find relief? To really make it through this challenging step, you have to go through the eye of the storm. The only way out is to find a deeper understanding of the essential parts of yourself that need attention; feeling valuable, feeling loved and appreciated. It's hard not to feel worthless when someone treats you like garbage, but starting to identify what specific things you really need from others begins the journey towards transformation. Take a moment and reflect on: how can I feel cared for and valuable even if I've been placed in this pile of trash? It's not about what that specific person can provide you, it's about what you as a human being need to thrive. It is pertinent to understand that these needs are independent of said person. They are their own people: you need to feel validated, and like your feelings matter. I experienced hurt, mistreatment and possibly betrayal, or even losing someone along the way. But I still need somebody who will stand by me, prioritize me and make it clear that I'm worthy of their love and support.
The third step is to figure out what you want to achieve by revisiting the end of the relationship. What are you fighting for? Are you raging mad, so full of hatred that you want to destroy all his belongings, or were there other issues that drove a wedge between the two of you? I'm fighting to uphold my self-worth, my value, and how I perceive myself. Someone who has a fun personality and is lovable - all of which I want very much - is what I am striving for. It goes back to the need to feel dignified. You often need to assert yourself, usually in a healthy anger, so as to move forward. Nonetheless it is imperative that you do so for positive results. A woman who had been in a predatory and abusive relationship told me, "I had a lot of love to give and I loved hard, even though he didn't acknowledge my assertion." In such hurtful relationships, anger and sadness invariably go hand in hand. You may be feeling some mixture of hurt, anger and disappointment in the wake of a romantic breakup. Although creating distance from them had become necessary, now you alternate between those feelings of anger and grief at the loss. It's a difficult cycle to endure - both emotions are valid - so acknowledging and accepting both is essential. Grieving a loss is a normal and essential part of life, so take the time you need to let go before exploring what new horizons life offers. Despite who ended the relationship, it still brings a hard-felt loss, as nobody had it in mind when they sought out and created the connection. When we work through grief, a lot of focus is put on the good moments - like that first swim together, a family barbecue, or Wednesday night dinners - realizing that these are gone and they can never come back. To make peace with this fact you can place symbolic tombstones to represent them, however bittersweet this effort may be. One of the main difficulties in concluding the grieving process lies in all the unacknowledged losses; this could be hopes for children yet to be born, dreams resulting from a couple splitting, and business objectives which can never come to fruition. The inmate was going through therapy, knowing he and his partner would never get to go on the holiday they had been saving for. In addition, upon someone's death, there are often a number of unfulfilled plans or promises that will now remain undone. In the third step, it is important to focus on what we have been resenting and missing. We need to explore our own healthy needs, which can be hectic yet powerful. This acknowledges any pent-up feelings and creates a chance to engage in more meaningful conversations. If you don't fully understand the circumstances that sparked your grief, it is unlikely to be adaptive. Grief isn't just feeling down and out - it encompasses the active identification of specific changes brought about by loss. Using emotion as a tool can help you organize yourself in a healthy way. Emotion can play an important role for taking the necessary steps in staying organized and maintaining balance in life. It can act as a motivation for setting individual goals, promoting self-discipline, and taking control of your life. Healthy emotion follows a vitality curve: it erupts, exhibiting itself and then it's gone. Our experience of life alters after the feeling has expressed and diminished. Exactly when that happens might just be a matter of time. The last step is to take in the feeling going through you and letting it prove that this goal has been accomplished. Sometimes, we don't even realize we're stuck and yet, this is actually part of healthcare research that's being studied. Fortunately, there exists a unique solution for each sticking point we may encounter. A good outcome if you are faced with unfinished business includes having the resolution or closure necessary. If your depression has been successfully treated, the ending will be the relief of the symptoms. Proper treatment and a successful resolution or closure can offer a sense of freedom, satisfaction, and peace that effects all components of your life. Option one is you forgive the person and rekindle the friendship, essentially, putting your differences aside and reuniting. Option two is you forgive them, however, you don't plan to reconcile with them. To forgive is to release any grudge towards someone, you let go and move forward without continuing any bridges between the parties involved. Option three: you can still reach a good resolution even when you don't forgive or reconcile. This involves maintaining the balance of power by holding the other person accountable, which often leads to viewing them in a very different manner. When it comes to healing, time plays a decisive role. Just like when you suffer from a minor injury such as bruises or cuts, the wound requires time in order to heal completely. No matter the situation, recovery is inevitable and ultimately defined by the necessary amount of healing time that must occur. Thank you for your compassion and best wishes to your endeavors. We're really looking forward to continuing our hard work and reaching a successful outcome towards completing what was left unfinished.
See also: https://mygodsentangels.com/