Like numerous guardians of school-aged children, I found myself in a relatable predicament where I became disoriented in the realm of morality alongside my nine-year-old daughter. When my daughter commenced her primary education, I was filled with immense enthusiasm not only for her but also for our entire family, as she embarked upon this new educational endeavor. Each day, brimming with anticipation, I would eagerly collect her from school, and with a glimmer of excitement in my eyes, I would inquire about her day, asking, "How was your day today?" Regrettably, without fail, she would respond with a casual shrug of her shoulders and a simple remark, "Good." Consequently, I would probe further, seeking to understand the specific aspects that made her day noteworthy, only to receive a nonchalant reply, "I don't know, it was just good." I had a strong inclination to acquire further information regarding her current circumstances. My curiosity was piqued regarding the unfolding events in her modest existence. I yearned to understand her opinion of her educator, the nature of her interactions with her companions, and the particular academic discipline that held her utmost preference. Upon retrospection, I am bewildered as to how I believed that I could acquire all of that merely by inquiring about her day. However, my primary objective was to establish a connection with her, an invitation even, to accompany her on the momentous undertaking we referred to as "big girl school," which she was about to embark upon.
However, I desired to approach this matter in a manner that did not resemble a daily interrogation. Consequently, I pondered the issue for a significant period of time. Eventually, a transformative moment occurred one day while we were driving home. I initiated a discussion by asking, "Tell me, what was the most enjoyable aspect of your day today?" In response, she paused, reflecting upon my inquiry. Eventually, she replied, "Oh, I know! The best part of my day was playing handball with my friends after school." Surprised by her revelation, I expressed my ignorance regarding her knowledge of handball. She confidently asserted, "Oh yes, it's a delightful game. You throw the ball and do this." Oblivious to the fact that I, her own mother, had engaged in handball, tetherball, and dodgeball during my own childhood, she proceeded to provide me with instructions on how to play handball from the backseat. Astounded by this revelation, she could hardly believe it when I disclosed my personal experience. Subsequently, we engaged in a brief yet captivating conversation regarding extracurricular activities after school. This practice has evolved into a customary tradition between us, persisting to the present day. I routinely inquire about the highlights of her day, which have varied from relishing cinnamon rolls in the cafeteria to engaging in violin practice, and even indulging in her favorite activity, visiting the computer lab.
In a manner befitting of the utmost formality, it is with great delight that I recount the fortuitous turn of events whereby the long-awaited invitation into her life, which had filled me with longing, was at last bestowed upon me solely by virtue of posing a more refined inquiry. The aforementioned interaction is what I deem as the pathway towards establishing genuine connections with fellow individuals, facilitated by authentic conversations. As a professional in the field of communication and a certified life coach, my entire professional career revolves around the fundamental belief that the caliber of one's life is profoundly impacted by their aptitude to communicate with unwavering confidence and utmost clarity. Effective communication necessitates being an engaged listener, wherein an essential component involves posing inquiries. However, I believe it is crucial for us to delve further into this notion by emphasizing the significance of posing insightful questions: ones that possess substantial depth and expedite our understanding of individuals within our social sphere. In the 15th edition of their textbook "Looking Out, Looking In," authors Adler and Proctor assert that the act of questioning serves a purpose beyond mere data and factual acquisition. It facilitates the comprehension of individuals' thoughts, emotions, and desires. This ability, in my view, constitutes the fundamental ingredient for cultivating relationships that enrich our lives and bring us fulfillment. To elucidate, I propose the characterization of a superior inquiry as an embodiment of sincere inquisitiveness, delicately poised to avoid undue intrusion. It is through achieving such equilibrium that we can disassemble the preconceived notions we harbor concerning individuals, as well as the potentially prejudiced conceptions they may hold of us.
Consider my former student, Khalid, as an example. I had the privilege of serving as an adjunct professor in the field of communication studies for approximately eight years. Throughout this period, I came to realize that a significant portion of my students had never been under the guidance of a black instructor, particularly a black female professor, during their academic journey. I was acutely aware that my presence, encompassing my entire identity, on the first day of class held the potential to profoundly influence their perceptions of me and, in certain instances, shape their overall experience. This was precisely the scenario with Khalid, a young African American male. This evening during our class session, we engaged in a collaborative exercise to generate ideas for persuasive speech topics. It was now his turn to share with me the subject matter he had chosen for his upcoming speech. He approached my desk and settled into the chair beside me. Curiously, I inquired about the topic he had in mind for his persuasive speech, asking him to elaborate further on his choice. He responded by expressing his intention to focus on the subject of personal recycling. I acknowledged his response and proceeded to inquire about his reasoning behind selecting recycling as his topic. Although I agreed with his assertion that recycling is indeed a crucial practice, I encouraged him to delve deeper into his motivation. I asked whether recycling was a subject he felt genuinely passionate about, and his response indicated a lack of strong enthusiasm. Evidently, he was uncertain about the direction of his speech.
Pausing momentarily, I noticed that he was sporting a maroon-colored hoodie featuring the initials "TDE" in white. Recognizing this as the logo of Top Dog Entertainment, the record label associated with the esteemed rapper Kendrick Lamar, an idea sparked within me. Capitalizing on this opportunity, I proposed the possibility of crafting a speech arguing that TDE is the most influential record label in West Coast rap since the legendary Death Row Records. Perplexed, he questioned how I was familiar with TDE. As I explained, I pointed out that the evidence was displayed prominently on his sweatshirt, and moreover, I expressed my personal affinity for hip-hop and rap, particularly my admiration for Kendrick Lamar. He was taken aback by this revelation, and a profound transformation occurred in his demeanor. A wide smile emerged on his face as he exclaimed, "See, Miss Amber, that's why I appreciate you. You're true to yourself and, at the same time, youthful. I have never encountered a professor like you before." Graciously, I acknowledged his words, though I couldn't help but feel a slight ambivalence. In that very instant, a perception was shattered, and a genuine connection was established. We were no longer merely teacher and student; we had become two individuals who shared a profound passion for hip-hop.
Our subsequent conversation transcended the boundaries of academia, encompassing a wide range of topics from Snoop Dogg to Tupac Shakur to Kendrick Lamar. The expression on Khalid's face as he walked back to his desk, brimming with newfound ideas on how to construct his argument, will forever be etched in my memory. It was the countenance of someone who had experienced true recognition and understanding. And that was and still is the advantage that arises from posing more refined inquiries. I could have simply emphasized the importance of recycling, but by taking an additional step, we were able to foster more profound engagement. Some may perceive this as mere casual conversation, which I already have reservations about engaging in, and now you expect me to do even more of it by questioning others. I beg to differ; that is not precisely what I am suggesting. Posing better questions does not involve indulging in trivial banter; in fact, it is quite the opposite. It pertains to purposefully communicating with the individuals around us. This concept becomes evident in our romantic relationships, for instance. A study conducted in 2013 revealed that couples prioritize communication as the most crucial determining factor for relationship success, surpassing even the significance of sex and passion. To me, when we become adept at engaging thoughtfully with those around us, that is when we truly witness transformative changes occurring within our relationships.
Please take a moment to consider the following proposition. Let us amalgamate these two concepts. How would you react if your partner, whether it be your current or desired one, consistently looked into your eyes and inquired, "How can I demonstrate that you are a priority in my life?" or "In what ways does our relationship contribute to your happiness?" Such expressions would undoubtedly make you feel acknowledged, appreciated, and loved. Even now, as you hear these words from me, despite us not being in a relationship, you may sense that sentiment. This ability to bestow such a gift upon the individuals in our lives is within our collective power. It necessitates our cultivation of thoughtfully curious dispositions. To illustrate my point further, let us engage in a brief exercise of asking the right questions, rather than the conventional ones. For instance, imagine you are attending a networking event and encounter someone new. Instead of inquiring about their profession with the usual "So, what do you do?" you could pose the question, "What about your work inspires you?" Alternatively, envision a scenario where you are speaking to a friend who is enduring a challenging period. Instead of asking a standard "How are you holding up?" you may opt for "How can I support you in this moment?" As a consultant and trainer in my profession, I regularly witness the value of employing this approach. At the commencement of every engagement, I ask my clients, "What does success look like for you when all is said and done?" This query allows them to contemplate their objectives and express them to me, paving the way for a discussion on how we can collaborate to achieve those goals. I find it to be a much more effective question than simply asking, "How can I assist you now?"
Admittedly, the art of posing better questions requires time and practice to master. However, I have faith in your ability to acquire this skill. It is imperative for me to emphasize that the act of posing inquiries constitutes only a portion of the overall process. The remaining part involves exercising mindfulness in our manner of responding to individuals. A study conducted in 2010 and published in the Journal of Social Psychology discovered that questioning yields benefits for both the interrogator and the respondent. Among these advantages, I believe that one lies in affording individuals the chance to express their genuine selves. Ultimately, I contend that we all seek opportunities to simply be true to ourselves or to inhabit spaces where authenticity is valued. Consequently, it is crucial to acknowledge that we must also ensure our responses are sincere and truthful. The manner in which this unfolded in my personal life entailed my previous inclination towards proficiently persuading individuals that my well-being surpassed its actual state. It appears to me that we all possess the ability to excel at this art when faced with the question of our current condition. Typically, upon being asked about our state of being, we tend to respond with a positive affirmation and inquire about the other person's status, without delving further into the matter, and continue onward with our respective paths.
However, there was a period in my life during which I was not faring well. I was employed in two jobs, one of which required a two-hour commute on a daily basis. Simultaneously, I was in the process of raising a small family and attempting to establish a small business. The sheer exhaustion and immense responsibilities left me feeling overwhelmed, to the extent that I struggled to articulate my predicament. One day while I was at my full-time job, a co-worker and I engaged in a conversation. During our interaction, she astutely observed that something seemed amiss with me. Concerned, she took the initiative to ask me directly, looking me in the eye—a gesture that held great significance. Her inquiry, "Amber, are you okay?" struck me as far more meaningful than the typical, superficial question of "How are you doing?" This perceptive observation led me to believe that someone had finally noticed my true state of being. It was a question that allowed for a more honest response beyond the customary "I'm great." Understanding the situation better than anyone else, my co-worker's genuine concern prompted me to respond truthfully. I mustered the courage to admit, "No, I'm not okay," and with that admission, my emotions overwhelmed me. Tears flowed uncontrollably, and I found myself unable to continue working for the remainder of the day. In fact, I took a two-week leave of absence, deeply affected by the weight of that single question. It dawned on me how much I had neglected myself and my loved ones by not simply acknowledging the truth: that I was exhausted and in desperate need of a break.
I have made a personal commitment to consistently respond to that inquiry with honesty. When individuals inquire about my well-being, which typically occurs during initial interactions and represents the first instance of encountering that question during the day, I pause and contemplate the matter. Subsequently, I convey that I am experiencing a positive day and express gratitude for their inquiry. However, if I happen to be facing difficulties, I simply acknowledge that I am not at my optimum state but affirm my dedication to giving my best effort. My acquaintance observed my recurring behavior and inquired about it, stating, "I have noticed that you consistently respond with 'today' when I inquire about your well-being. What does that signify? Is there something troubling you?" In response, I assured her that there is no underlying issue, clarifying that I answer in such a manner due to the significance I attribute to the present day. I explained that 'today' encompasses my entire focus, as it encapsulates the potential for a positive experience, productivity, engagement in physical activity, and adequate hydration. However, I also acknowledged that the following day might present a contrasting scenario, wherein I could find myself overwhelmed with emotions and seeking solace by shedding tears inside my vehicle in the parking lot of a store, similar to my experience last week at Target.
This opportunity affords me the privilege to acknowledge and pay tribute to this particular environment, while remaining authentic to my current situation. It enables me to express my truth without divulging personal details to all individuals. She expressed her appreciation for this notion, stating, "Amber, I find that approach appealing, and I believe I shall endeavor to adopt it." I responded by encouraging her, saying, "You know, I sincerely hope you do." The aforementioned moment with her provides me with an opportunity to comprehend the profound impact this process can have. Once again, it is essentially a transaction. I firmly believe that relationships represent the most valuable currency in life, and communication serves as the transactional mechanism through which we amass our interpersonal wealth. Therefore, if one desires to cultivate richness within their relationships, I strongly urge them to engage with the world around them in an honest and critical manner. They should endeavor to cultivate a more thoughtfully curious disposition, proactively posing insightful questions and providing candid answers. By doing so, one never knows what valuable insights they may acquire, be it related to sports like handball, genres such as hip-hop, or gaining genuine insights into the well-being of a friend. I extend my gratitude for your curious attention.
See also: https://mygodsentangels.com/