I want all of my blog readers to shut their eyes and envision the feeling of being deeply in love. Being in love is a unique experience. When you share a special connection with someone and your feelings align, it can make you feel incredible! The heart often feels filled with hope and excitement that comes hand-in-hand with being in a loving relationship--something even the mere prospect of can bring immense happiness. My heartbeat jumped, my stomach was flipping and I knew there was something special in the air. I quickly phoned my best friend exclaiming: "I think I just found the one! Can you believe it? In just three weeks!" We act quickly, responding in the blink of an eye. Our decision making process is impressively fast and when intense emotions kick in it happens almost instantaneously. We thought we had the perfect plan, but looking back, hindsight tells that perhaps there was something we were missing. Eventually, down the path of our endeavor, there came a realization - "What in the world were we thinking?"
About half of all matrimonial unions don't stand the test of time, and many possible explanations exist for this unfortunate statistic. Reasons could range from incompatible personalities, the inability to properly contend with issues such as finances emotionally or misunderstandings regarding cooperation and communication. Within the space of a week, two of my close friends confided in me to reveal that their marriage - despite having lasted over a decade – had ultimately failed; despite everyone else being aware that it was not the right decision for them at the time. My friend's mother and I had cautioned her over ten years ago about the guy she had chosen – he was known to be quite dominating with a penchant for a more traditional role for women: staying home, doing housework and caring for their children. My friend wasn't interested in that; instead, she was leading a life of joy and contentment whilst singing jazz in New York City. Despite his lack of interest, she was incredibly pleased with her experience living there. She always tried to make the right decisions for her family, but then her feelings took over. Somewhere along the way she fell in love with him and was willing to make personal sacrifices in order to help take care of her family, as she strongly believed it was the right thing to do. Ten years later, she found herself lost in a sea of unfamiliarity. With only her resolve left, she bravely decided to depart, carving out a new path for herself.
A women I interacted with the other day was lamenting her circumstance as a 40-year-old, expressing frustration that there were no suitable men left. She said that the only men you can find nowadays are the Peter Pan types, who remain to be adults-in-children's-clothes. They want nothing but to avoid being responsible for anything – no children, no marriage, no settling down. She spent her time and energy attempting to 'un-Peter-Pan' those she was caring for, but felt frustrated in her efforts as she could not spot the underlying reason why they found it hard to find a potential partner or eventually fix their problem. She needed my help in working out the cause of their misfortune. "I want to hear your honest opinion," she said. "I'm determined to address this problem, but I'm at a loss for how to do it." My initial thought was that she was investing far too much of her time into trying to fix other people's relationships that didn't need correcting. The real challenge lies in finding the right sense of focus and outlook. Our perspective is paramount to overcoming any obstacle, as it shapes our understanding and reaction in any given situation. The key then, is how you approach a problem and understanding your own thoughts about it; that is what will eventually determine your end result. We are selecting partners based on criteria that mean we are not taking into account who they really are, and attempting to modify them in some way. But why subscribe to this type of behavior and ignore the visible warning signs that could potentially be problematic? Women in their 30s, 40s, and 50s often express frustration that they can't find the romantic man of their dreams. Also, I hear men's grievances about experiencing marginalization due to their reputation for being nice great companions. However, many people are attracted to the seemingly 'exciting' type of person who is often adept at dishonesty, has an ongoing commitment elsewhere or even preoccupied with wedlock. We make multiple choices in our relationships, but end up despondent several years later. It could be two or three years after, or even a decade down the road. We attempt to build the desired emotional bond, ranging from marriage to a long standing companionship but fail to persist through it. This recurrent process of pursuit and retreat can provoke wonderment; why do we iterate consistently throughout this loop? "I had a woman come to me earlier, asking for my advice why the 'Peter Pan' men were always so present in her relationships — except for the last two. Turns out, contrary to her initial assumption that she avoided them, she had actually gone on to date these men." She wasn't able to really explain why she chose to date people but kept coming back and saying: "No, no, I don't really date them." Except for the last two people that is. She was in denial, rejecting the strong evidence shown to her by those closest to her: friends and family. This caused her to become overly defensive against their exact words in the conversation. No matter how much her loved ones tried, she couldn't accept the reality that everyone else saw clearly. On the path of love, understanding each other is essential, so we naturally strive to learn through communication and trust-building. Compassion and kindness help to develop strong relationships with meaningful connections. We practice self-reflection, revealing our honest thoughts and feelings, in order to allow for greater understanding.
The moment you meet them, you feel blissfully in love. It's like a dream come true - everything between you is incredibly beautiful, wonderful and perfect. This amazing connection only intensifies as more time passes by – it seems impossible to ever imagine your life without this special person in it. We pretend not to notice the red flag because we tell ourselves "No, no. It must be us. We're crazy. We're too picky." Ignoring the warning sign and denying that a problem may exist saves us from having to face potential issues, but does not make them go away. Our friends and family are worried - yet when they voice their concerns, we become defensive: "You will never be happy if I am happy." "I have finally found someone I love and now you can't accept it" or "You just don't know him; he acts differently when we are alone." We tell ourselves this constantly that "all relationships take work", trying to make sense of the various red flags we observe. However, our friends and family still express concerns due to this misguided form of justification. We defend and isolate ourselves when our friends express concerns about who we are dating. Their attempts to intervene usually end up with them urging us to move on - perhaps even to the point of us realizing that 'this person isn't good for me' - but our natural instinct, instead, is to attack. Feelings of embarrassment, shame and anger arise when our family, friends, coworkers or anyone conflicts with us. As a result, we may distance ourselves from them and they also stop trying to reach out. We eventually realize that what they were saying was correct and regret not listening sooner- driving us nuts in the process. We find ourselves in despair, questioning if we will ever find anyone. Feeling defensiveness, a cycle follows and our time and energy is wasted. We repeat this because we often fail to listen to those around us who know better than us.
Our experiences of love, the almost irrational connection which we develop with another and jump to conclusions about similarities between us, can be largely attributed to the same part of our brain which regulates addiction. Much like drugs or alcohol, our feelings for someone – no matter how unfamiliar – can become so strong that it surpasses reason. It's an addiction and for inexplicable reasons, we are unable to comprehend it. Our feelings of love take precedence over our level-headed beliefs, invoking intense emotion and limited logical decision-making in our brain's prefrontal cortex. The prefrontal cortex is the key area of the brain responsible for making rational decisions and controlling behavior. Functionally, this region acts as something of a mediator as it ‘tells’ other parts of the brain to, quite literally, “Knock it off." When you feel like throwing a punch, but quickly recognize that this is not a good idea because the person you are about to attack is your boss, it's an example of how the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain controlling decision-making and impulse control, is stepping in. Our prefrontal cortex has no influence on emotions like love and our hearts; this is what can potentially lead us into tricky situations. Not being able to identify with successful relationships in life, genetics, or other influences such as role models might be a couple of factors to consider. People have this supposition that we have a tendency to be physically attracted to hazardous circumstances. Despite being vividly aware of the discrepancies between healthy relationships and passed affairs concerning our latest squeeze, an unrealistic optimism pushes us to believe: "This time it'll magically be different." The good person in our midst, who is honest, faithful, trustworthy and loves you, deserves acknowledgement; unfortunately, he often gets overlooked. As an example of this (so please don't laugh!), I'd like to cite "The Bachelorette".
Has anyone recently paid attention to the hit TV show "The Bachelor"? OK, one person - thank you! Dez the Bachelorette is down to three people, two of whom are completely smitten with her. They show their feelings with countless loving gestures; writing poems, serenading her with heartfelt songs, just to name a few. She falls for someone who in turn does not return her affections and instead breaks her heart. It seems almost like a representation of how unpredictable life can be and there is only one more chapter left to see what happens next. We're addicted to love, it's like an obsession or compulsion; and because of that, we can't seem to sleep properly. When we do eat food, it tastes sensational as if under the effect of a drug, let alone that of a cheeseburger. Everything around us is amplified when we feel that "love high". Trying to change someone's behavior or mindset is a widely discouraged effort. Just like attempting to teach a pig to sing would be an exercise in futility, so too will trying to alter someone’s methods or outlook. In relationships, why do we keep trying to change people instead of accepting them for who they are? We try to turn totally incompatible creatures into something they're not capable of being, like getting a pig to suddenly turn into a singer. This is frustrating and a huge waste of time. For two years of being in that relationship, you've sadly let the many other opportunities pass you by. How do we go about repairing the lost time?
We must be honest with ourselves and truly evaluate our inner being. To accomplish this, we need to open up, allowing our hearts to absorb some much-needed introspection. The woman surrounded by her friends while they ate barbeque and hung out in the backyard refused to heed their advice, all of which was the same. She sat in a circle, steadfastly refusing to listen. We must be open to honestly examining ourselves and what is happening in our relationships. Are we putting in the effort to make things work, or are we intimidated by the prospect of demanding more out of them? Do we doubt our worth enough to accept someone who may not deserve us? To get healthy, we must first learn more about ourselves. This requires a journey of self-discovery as we work to gain a better understanding of who we are and how to improve our wellbeing. Well, when it comes to dating we can't just focus on hoping that the other person likes us; we need to assess if they’re a good fit for you. People often say: "I just want someone like this, someone like that, etc." but I encourage them to put themselves out there instead. Instead of being taken advantage of by someone who only wants to get what they want, you need to be more selective and choose the most important characteristics you desire. This individual may tell you all of the same things you tell them, so it is essential to understand your parameters and stand firm on your values.
Are you open to the idea of getting married and starting a family? If so, at 35 years old, it might be something to take into serious consideration. It could be worth asking questions such as: Are you looking to make a commitment in the near future? Do you see marriage and kids in your future plans? We need to take bigger risks and be more decisive in the decisions we make. We should identify what defines our objectives and principles, and adhere only to the ones that are essential for success. My friend insisted that she would never date somebody who had ever done drugs, even marijuana. I was puzzled, “Is it really necessary? After all, almost everyone has tried drugs at some point in time. Of course if the person is addicted to just about anything, then it’s a completely different case." We need to be diligent in our search for honesty, asking only relevant questions such as "Let's be stubborn about honesty?" and "Is the person honest?". We must ensure that we strive for complete truthfulness in our evaluations. The wise understand that true contentment comes not from distant acquisition, but from right where they stand: embracing and delighting in themselves and their surroundings. Happiness is found within us and is nurtured on through the way we appreciate ourselves and our current situation. If we're currently downhearted, we can decide to keep dwelling on this and directly become increasingly dispirited, or we can look more in-depth at our life with an altered point of view. It's all about our approach to the situation.
The number one, and highly critical rule that I stand firmly on - despite a lot of people thinking it's odd- is that your friends and family must be introduced to your prospect before you do anything else. For all anyone knows, you might feel uncomfortable and pressured dating someone unsupervised. One way out of this could be to pretend that the situation is a coincidence - like, what if you just randomly decide to go to a restaurant and then luckily your best friend happens to be there too? Within the first few dates, after just three or five dates, listening to our family or friends can let us know whether that person is appropriate for us. You should take their advice as soon as possible too, because that period of time is when you start to become emotionally invested and your connection grows because you are falling in love. Those early days, when the signs of addiction start to become clear but we may still deny them or not express them, can often be what hooks us. Recognizing that our lives are becoming unmanageable is usually how we know for sure that we have become dependent on something harmful. First impressions count, so if your loved ones says "run" when you meet someone, then don't ask questions, just RUN! Act fast and back up your initial judgement with quick-thinking action. Listen to your friends' and family's advice: If three out of five people or two out of three people say they don't think someone right for you - run, despite any potential and common interests. Don't even pay attention to the one person naively trusts your intentions in your relationships. You have to trust your community because their collective knowledge is more potent than each individual's. Together, they are able to draw on insight and advice that can successfully guide our decision making during difficult times. Your mean friend, who always ends up being honest no matter how much you dread their opinion, is the go-to resource if you're seeking some ongoing advice. No matter what they end up saying, they'll provide invaluable insights that will certainly benefit you in the long run. Connecting with a professional for advice such as a consultant or therapist could be extremely helpful. Otherwise, obtaining someone else's viewpoint and feedback can contribute deeply to the situation at hand. Listen for signs of potential danger and take decisive action when something doesn't seem right. Boldly make the decision to turn away from anything that presents a warning sign fast. Make the courageous determination to depart immediately. Real love can definitely exist in relationships. There's always hope for even the most troubled of unions; it is possible to create a bond strong enough to withstand any tribulations. Open communication and understanding are essential for creating a loving relationship that stands the test of time. Don't give up on yourself, stay optimistic and have confidence in your capacity for understanding things. Listen to what your instinct is telling you and don't be scared to pose inquiries. Seize the initiative and don't let doubt wrestle away your courage. If you procrastinate, found yourself daunted to ask that major inquiry today, how do you expect the outlook of your life over the course of five years when you've never even asked it? Don't be afraid to take a step forward; you've got this! Action holds immense power to conquer fear. The more one experiences and carries out activities that they were formerly fearful of, the greater their confidence and comfort will become. On our first date, my wife joked that she felt like she was being interrogated like at an FBI office-- largely because I kept asking her all sorts of questions. But look how things turned out! We got married so she obviously passed my test. Miracles do occur and the belief that love is attainable can remain strong. To make this a reality, it may involve seeking advice, heeding the counsel of friends and family, as they all have an intention to protect you and want what's best for you. It can be tempting to brush off criticism by telling yourself things like "they're just jealous" or "they never had a good relationship" - but don't fall into that trap. Don't lie to yourself; take your friends and family's honest assessment at face value and try to learn from it instead. Listen to them – they are expressing their love for you, which is what makes it possible to achieve anything and everything if you put your heart into it.
See also: https://mygodsentangels.com/