A movie by Tyler Perry that I had watched depicted a single mother and her journey of trying to make ends meet while raising three children alongside her lackluster romantic life. Nothing remarkable to flaunt or discuss. In this movie, she encounters a stunning man who shows her and her three children unconditional love. He's incredibly attractive and takes excellent care of everyone. But he was baffled by her behavior of pushing him away. He asked her, "What's going on? Why are you pushing me away?". She replied tearfully, "I'm terrified because I'm so used to people taking advantage of me - you embody everything I ever wanted in a man." This movie showcases a simulated experience of fear, but I understand and can relate to this woman's dread as well.
At first, I didn't want to go to therapy even though I am counseling people now and telling them that they need counseling. I had the thought that there was nothing wrong with me, and I "was good." Nevertheless, a few years ago, I decided to make an appointment for myself. I tried to avoid it as much as I could too, but eventually I ended up going because of my repeated failed relationships. It was time to face what was possibly wrong within me and take responsibility - I had to hold a metaphorical mirror in front of myself, so I could begin the process of self-reflection and growth. My male counselor crossed his legs and said, "Trillian, it seems like you want dismissive men on purpose; why on earth would you be drawn to someone who doesn't seem to care?". I was offended at his interpretation and found the assumption immensely strange considering why I'm even here. I had just paid for the therapy session when it dawned on me that my therapist was right: I had been attracting and attracted to dismissive men in the past. So I started thinking, what could have encouraged me to push away something beneficial and accepted something detrimental? I was presented with two guys and I couldn't help but ask myself, "What's wrong with them?". One guy made things weird when he took too long to get back to me; three weeks later he sent a text that just said "I'm good U" without spelling out the whole word "you". I reasoned that what might give somebody the impetus to turn away from something beneficial such as love, backing and stewardship was an amalgamation of two forces: prior experience and reference/connectedness. We can only be understood to gravitate towards guarding ourselves instinctively with regards to dwelling on planet Earth.
Whenever we experience something, we tend to link it to different feelings, as in joy to exciting events and fear & anxiety to scary ones. A young lady who was proposed to in Paris would likely associate the city with love. For a different family, however, whose loved one had been lost in a bombing there, the destination became synonymous with grief. A mother who has lost her son at the hands of a police officer may even connect cops with hatred. But if the mother had lost her son and then a cop reunited them by finding him; then she would remember the cop and the overall experience with gratitude in mind. Canoeing, while a fun and exciting hobby, can also carry a certain degree of fear. By having some expertise and knowledge of canoeing, and taking the proper precautions, this fear can be reduced, leading to an enjoyable and memorable experience. Halfway through the four-mile canoe trip my brother and I were enjoying, I spotted an unordinary stick: red, yellow and black. On second glance, however, it wasn't a stick at all; it was a snake bearing its head up in a curious eyeing of me before swimming in my direction. I was so scared when I saw the snake that in that moment I dropped my paddle and screamed for dear life. My brother reacted a bit more swiftly and slammed his paddle, killing the snake before I even had time to think otherwise. If there had been a camera, it would definitely have been a sight worth recording! The snake scared us so much when we saw it, I vowed never to go canoeing again! Even as the snake had left us and the fear began to subside, its trace lingered in the moment we stepped on ground. The experience was now associated with immense fear that forever altered my view of canoeing.
Our limbic system plays a major role when we feel fear, as it is responsible for our reward system, emotions, memory and learning. This is something we can take away from analyzing the threat system scene in the movie as well as my personal story. Remember the key components of the limbic system - the thalamus, amygdala, hippocampus and hypothalamus. I won't be discussing all its different parts in this context, but they are important to bear in mind. The thalamus is a vital part of our bodies as it takes in all of our sensory sensory perceptions, from the five senses: sight, smell, sound, taste and touch. This allows us to experience the world around us and interpret the stimuli we are surrounded by. Your thalamus takes the incoming information and transfers it to your amygdala, known as Amy. She forms an emotional response by determining if there is a threat before sending the signal to her assistant, the hippocampus, aptly named Miss Hippo because of her vast memory. Here she stores all the memories for further reference. Miss Hippo looks through the files and if she determines that no danger is present, then Amy can go on with her life. However, if Miss Hippo even perceives a sense of threat, real or imagined, she tells Amy, "Oh my gosh Amy we are in danger." Amy sounds the alarm - real or perceived. Quickly, she passes the signal to DJ Hype, her "hype man" and the brain's hypothalamus (or right-hand man). Your hypothalamus hypes you up, packing you with an adrenaline rush and high levels of stress-inducing cortisol in preparation to take action and respond accordingly. Whether you choose to confront the issue head-on, inspired by Michael B Jordan's character (Adonis Creed), or turn tail and run, your current full-blown reaction has been caused with good reason by Mr. DJ Hype. The information which is simultaneously sent to your prefrontal cortex, actively linked in close proximity, is also ongoing during this process. All of these ambitious filings are moreover executed by your electrical brain waves that journeys downward along with other integrated cells and pathways; now, while all this is transpiring. Your prefrontal cortex is where your executive functioning brain functions reside. It looks at any incoming information and then decides if it should continue further--whether it's a threat or not. If the limbic system is working properly, the process will remain under control and cease if estimated to be just a small issue. Upon the entry of a bear into the room, for example, your thalamus responsible for seeing threats immediately jumps into action. The threat is then sent to your amygdala and hippocampus where they check it out, activate your body’s fight or flight response and enable you to take necessary steps. Your brain quickly responds to external stimuli— in this case, if you see a mascot for a team. However, then your prefrontal cortex processes the information and overrides the fight-or-flight response with a different reaction: it says "It's fine, so take a selfie with it instead."
Love can bring immense fear. I wanted everyone to be aware of this truth, so that's why I'm expressing this to you. If we incorrectly file away a threat-related experience in our memories, what happens? Every experience we have is typically stored away for future references, however if this situation occurs our memory of the event may be distorted. In the movie I started with, there was a lady who kept her memory bank of fearfulness towards love, believing that any effort she put in connecting with others was counter-productive and associated only with more suffering. The only way that her brain could have collected the information and remembrance of her past experience was by actively attempting to extend an overture for connection with others, only to receive hurt in return. Our brains are wired to instinctively protect us, preparing us to fight or flee when we perceive something is a threat to our survival. This fear of the unfamiliar can explain why some of us fear true love; if they have never been exposed to such an emotion, it can seem terrifying. Agape love is unique in providing unconditional protection and security. Connecting with it opens you up to a realm of freedom compared to other forms of love such as romantic or even friendship-based love. Tap into its potential today, find out what it offers and unlock the true potential it has within you.
It can be suggested that when a fear of love arises, it is due to an issue with memory recall and a lack of knowledge. This implies that our responses could be based upon memories we have stored. Guys may say that they may love girls, but girls can still feel clueless as to how to react when loved. Feelings of true "love" may still feel like butterflies inside one's stomach, after all. Feeling emotions often provide us a hint but real love is rooted in understanding and empathy. Friend one of two in scenario two goes: "I really think you should get back into the world of dating again, it's been five years!" Friend two in scenario two goes: "No, the last time I tried that I got hurt." She was trying to remember the last time she did what she was currently doing and it sparked anxiety for a potential future outcome, one that hadn't even happened yet. No, I'm not suggesting that we invent a memory eraser. More than anything, there have been times when I wish it was that easy - like being able to wave a wand and erase just certain snippets of my experiences between specific points in time. I'm proposing that we create new recollections to overcome the false narratives that have been convinced to ourselves. This will work by over-writing the lies and restricting the influence they have on our lives. Our greatest sufferings sometimes don't come from the events themselves, but rather, from the lies and stories we convince ourselves of afterwards. They deserted me and wounded me deeply. Maybe I didn't live up to the standards I had set for myself, and that's what made me begin to doubt myself and tell myself lies. Those stories - of not being "good enough" or "awesome" - no longer need be what guides our lives. Extinction is a form of Operant Conditioning that I believe can help us decrease the influence unhelpful lies have on us and create helpful memories. It works by reducing the magnitude of a particular response until it almost completely disappears.
Extinction is the process of ceasing to reinforce a behavior or memory associated with it, eventually removing or reducing the response. It involves extinguishing any triggers that would otherwise cause a reaction. Researchers discovered that, by training a rat to be increasingly fearful of a sound, with sounding the alarm and administering shock each time it lingered, the fear could be extinguished simply by continuing to sound the alarm without shock being given at all. Eventually, through this process, the rat no longer feared that sound. The rats’ brains seemed to be saying "the coast is now clear!" Amy and the Miss Hippo had been conditioned to respond to the sound with fear. After that trait was broken, their brains notified them they no longer needed to be fearful of this experience. It was March 21st, 2016 when I had my first ever encounter with extinction. On that day, after 26 years of nobody knowing any news of me and my father, I heard his voice! The very first words he spoke to me were "I have been looking for you" and "I never stopped loving you." In that moment, I was overcome with emotion. For the past 26 years, I had been convinced that I wasn't wanted, not worthy of love and assumed no man would ever care for me. Talking about it on the phone made me realize just how important this was to me, and the tears began to fall. When those words were uttered it felt as if the falsehoods had been completely removed, replaced with reliable information that was attested by one well-informed experience.
Love does not hurt or abuse, but we often make the mistake of generalizing our experiences and think that all love will hurt; instead, we should accept our true nature as loving beings, and open ourselves to the opportunity of receiving the love and belonging we need. Maslow argued that a lack of love and belonging can impede us from achieving our greatest potential. He postulated that these two needs must be taken into consideration to enable us to reach our fullest capabilities. What would life be if we embraced love with open arms? To really let go, and fully commit op can pave way to liberation. Even if things feel unfamiliar, trusting in its potential can transform our perspective into one of joy and freedom. If we let go of this belief that we have the power to influence outcomes, what would life look like? Life may be filled with uncertainty and comfort when surrendering the need to certainty; however, it can also lead to more flexibility and trust in unfamiliar situations. Eventually this will lead us embracing possibility rather than pushing it away. It's a challenge to let somebody truly know us since allowing them to do so leaves us vulnerable and exposed. We can become too scared of the potential outcome, such as rejection, or fearful that our last experience with intimacy has been bruising. This means sometimes we would prefer to just hide away as opposed to bravely facing the truth head on. We all have the same goal—to find lasting freedom full of love. The only way we can obtain this is to allow ourselves to let love in and give love to others—this is the path that will lead us to true happiness. The knowledge of fear of love can be alleviated if one is knowledgeable and centered in the truth. Rooted in facts, one can embrace this feeling to bring joy instead. I decided to wave fear goodbye and take up canoeing again; yes, I went back to the waters and I enjoyed it immensely! Saying No to any kind of hindrance set by fear encouraged me to keep trying until I could gain confidence in myself. It is my hope and wish that each of you can try loving again, just one more time – and I thank you for it, among everything.
See also: https://mygodsentangels.com/