"My friends seem to always be too busy for me, so I often feel like I have no friends." It's a common sentiment during middle school when you're frustrated and searching for someone who shares your opinion. Really what it comes down to is a feeling of having no one to confide in. But since middle school is already a barbaric society, it's understandable why one might say "I have no friends", as connecting with oneself in such an environment can be difficult – let alone connecting with their peers. Having no friends is something that I can attest to. For instance, a week could go by in which the only text message I get is from my mother. That's how isolated my social life is. I understand that you may feel a bit uneasy when I tell you I have no friends, so let me explain why this is the case. I felt ashamed of my friendlessness for a long time, though I never admitted it publicly. Shame involves feeling badly about yourself as a person, so coming to terms with what I considered to be a flaw was distressing. Even though I tried to keep it hidden, people probably suspected something was wrong. Awareness of my feelings, however, was something I denied as it seemed easier to not acknowledge them. I thought that by not facing up to my emotions and their causes, I could avoid dealing with them. This line of thinking was flawed and did nothing to help me. My lack of friends doesn't in any way diminish my value, despite the fact that this is a concept that is often frowned upon. We're likely feeling uncomfortable with my admission because we both recognize the value of having friends in our lives. Sadness ensues when we see people who appear to be unfulfilled in life and lack the companionship of friends. The absence of such friendship can often be a tell-tale sign that something is amiss.
We often express our identity as a reflection of our interactions with others and the collective experiences we have been through. Our lives are strongly intertwined, so much so that when discussing ourselves, we tend to describe and define ourselves based upon our societal connections as well as shared moments. The importance of friends cannot be overlooked; indeed, they provide a source of solace and sustenance for individual growth. Making meaningful connections is an essential part of attaining happiness. So, it stands to reason that cultivating strong and lasting friendships is absolutely crucial when it comes to thriving personally. I have asked myself why I've lived in such a way that does not promote my own happiness and well-being, as if it is something that I can discard easily despite the fact that my right to be happy is intrinsic due to who I am. For a long time, I was perplexed as to why it was so hard for me to make friends; despite the fact that adults would often remark on how mature I seemed. These compliments had a subtext of their not understanding what it meant to be young and innocent. My family may think that my memory is remarkable, especially when I can recall humiliating moments from years ago that no one else remembers. In reality, though, my memory is nothing special. I've always compared the manner in which I interact with others to a mental flashcard, constantly assessing how my behavior measures up to an ideal benchmark and harshly judging myself for any perceived missteps. I'm often consumed with thoughts of my interpersonal relationships, worries, fears, tasks I must do, what might be if I'd done or said something differently in the pasts or what may happen in the future. Not to mention keeping track of all the days and moments leading up to something important.
The most important organ in the human body is undoubtedly the brain. It acts as an integral component in our day-to-day activities and functioning.an integral component in our day-to-day activities and functioning.an integral component in our day-to-day activities and functioning. Thinking is the brain's most prominent task, much like how we breathe without much fuss and appreciation. Inhaling oxygenates our blood through our lungs which allows us to continue living another day- similarly, the brain enables us to think steadily. We imagine that we have full control over our thoughts, consciously and unconsciously, even though our lungs may not actively be thinking. Although we do not voluntarily command our lungs to think, we believe that we have complete power regarding the length and substance of our musings. Sometimes, it's difficult for me to control my racing thoughts. I don't always get to pick what I think, and it can be challenging to stop my brain once it starts moving too quickly. I try so hard to fall asleep, willing myself to rest in bed all night, but my anxious thoughts keep running wild and I cannot relax. The nights become increasingly difficult due to lack of sleep, but the following days are even tougher.
I suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder; it is an issue that I deal with on a regular basis. It can be quite overwhelming at times, and I have to constantly work on managing my symptoms. OCD has had a huge impact on my life and how I go about my day. People with OCD have to manage their symptoms, as there is no cure for this chronic mental illness. Treatments are available which can help you, but the condition can't be completely resolved. The two aspects of OCD include obsessions and compulsions. Obsessions are intrusive and unwanted thoughts, images or urges that come to mind repeatedly. Compulsions are repetitive activities that a person feels the need to do in order to reduce the anxiety created by their obsessions. Obsessions are unpleasant and intrusive thoughts that can cause significant distress and anxiety. They are unwanted and cannot be easily ignored or dismissed. Compulsions are behaviors you either engage in or avoid in order to reduce your feeling of anxiety. These actions can take the form of rituals, routines, or avoidance of particular situations. Often, people use OCD as an adjective to describe someone who is especially neat and organized. You may have heard someone say "I'm so OCD", or "That's so OCD" when referring to something like a perfectly arranged drawer, a color-coded bookshelf, or any other visually tidy display. I don't think that these people are trying to diminish the gravity of OCD as a mental health disorder. Even though I, being a nerd, would love that bookcase, having an inclination towards organization doesn't necessarily signify one has OCD. For a diagnosis of OCD, it must be observed that your obsessions and compulsions have reached a level of intensity which significantly hinders your ability to live daily life. Sometimes worrying thoughts can enter everyone's minds, but when you suffer from OCD, these thoughts become exceptionally persistent and seem to be stuck in your head forever.
My obsessions can be divided into two distinct categories: germs and social. With regard to the former, I find myself fixated on cleanliness and hygiene; regarding the latter, my attention is focused on interpersonal matters such as friendship, treatment of others, and just general interactions with people. I worry that when I go into detail about my obsessions and compulsions, people may think I am out of my mind. I understand, as with most people who have OCD, that my obsessions are not rational; however, this does not alleviate the problem. My obsessions might seem valid to me due to OCD's repeated twisted reasoning, but in reality, they are nothing more than lies or manipulated truths; clearly showing that OCD is unreliable when it comes to narration. People often say they have a "germ phobia" or something similar, even if they don't have OCD. It's an example of one of the more well-known types of obsessions – those that relate to germs. My obsessions do not just indicate that something is unappealing to me, they signal a sense of danger. I am particularly on alert around coughing, sneezing, heavy breathing, strong odors, and all objects which are often touched by other people such as door knobs or handles. Having held my breath to the point of lightheadedness, I've gone through the ordeal of cold and flu season since middle school; dodging the recent coughing fit someone before me had left, only allowing myself to breathe once I reach a safe distance. I never imagined, despite being non-physics major, that I'd be calculating the velocity of a sneeze that is heading toward me multiple times. It's an unpleasant feeling to have a cold, and I dread it even more when I have to do calculations like these with every incoming sneeze.
I'm overwhelmed by feelings of discomfort and danger in my environment, and ironically, have nowhere to turn to without confronting myself as the very source of this fear. My practice and training have enabled me to craft a mask of indifference specifically to conceal my elicited response to germs. Over time, I have become more successful at hiding my compulsive behaviors in these situations. I force myself to relax my features and straighten my posture even when I'm feeling overwhelmed. My hands involuntarily clench, but I do my best to release the tension. It can be hard, however, to focus on what someone else is saying in these situations. I appear indifferent, uninterested and detached. My behavior gives off an impression of aloofness and detachment from the situation. Concealment and manipulation create a dichotomy that I strive to abide by in my life. Although I try to keep things under wraps, often my actions end up changing the way people perceive me.
The research of Émile Durkheim in 1897 revealed a strong correlation between social integration and suicide prevention. In his book "Suicide" he documented that forming meaningful connections with our communities can greatly reduce the risk of taking one's own life. Therefore, it is evident that the social casualties caused by OCD are extensive. Loneliness is projected to become an epidemic by 2030, and according to the former US Surgeon General, it can be considered one of the most concerning public health risks out there. Even though many individuals are alone, they are not alone in their feelings of loneliness as it has become a widespread issue. Friends act as our shields, which is a key factor when it comes to our wellbeing. Social connections have always been essential, but now they are more important than ever before. Friends don't only share our lives - they also safeguard them. Knowing this should be considered of utmost importance. I had some friends in my childhood, but Scott Roosevelt and Dan Lee were special. In high school, they were like mentors to me, providing encouraging talks which made me realize my sense of being significant and content in the community. The support of these two was what I truly value and cherish till today. Scott showed me great sympathy, demonstrating a keen interest in my perspective. He helped me to understand that - though it may be difficult - it is possible to make meaningful change through reaching for the seemingly impossible. He gave me the confidence that I could manifest progress by pushing beyond my boundaries. Dan was an inspirational leader whose enthusiasm brought us together. We jokingly called his classroom "Halloweentown" and had a fun Thanksgiving lunch with just sparkling cider. Though he's still an active teacher, Dan wants to remain in his job and be the driving force behind our community. While I hadn't even been diagnosed with a mental illness yet, the support of my friends and mentors made it easier for me to cope with my OCD. They didn't know that I had any kind of mental disorder, but their guidance was invaluable nevertheless. I had difficulty accepting my social compulsions in context with my surroundings. Even though I tried hard, it proved to be a difficult challenge for me to align both these aspects of my life.
One movie night at a friend's house was made even more special with the iconic 2006 cult classic Aquamarine. Emma Roberts, Sara Paxton and pop sensation Jo Jo starred in this entertaining movie that truly toed the line between fantasy and reality. I always like to celebrate art whenever I can, so now – although it has nothing to do with the story – let's give it a mention. Movies are a great form of artistic expression and I am often drawn to them. My night back then was far from restful though, for my mind was plagued with thoughts of my most troubling obsession - thinking I am guilty in all matters without fail. No matter how much I had tried to settle into sleep, it would not come; this stubborn haunting continued to stay and offer its unwanted intrusiveness. It's hard to see good in myself while living with OCD, as its thought processes challenge my perception of who I am despite making every effort to be a good person. This makes it difficult to distinguish between the thoughts OCD places in my head, and my true identity. My identity was shaped by the presence of OCD, which I had personified and linked to my moral and internal self. This created a new dynamic within my friendships; I was no longer simply living with OCD, but it had become so intrinsic to me that others saw me as being synonymous with it. Given my experience with it, I often wonder why OCD would be a good friend to anyone else and what it would say about my true character if I subjected this onto others when I desire not to experience it myself. Given the limitations of my situation, I had no option but to accept that if I pursued or maintained any friendships, it would likely be a source of strain for them.
I chose to not create new relationships and I drifted away from my existing friendships, resulting in me feeling isolated - an easy mindset to fall into. People who still wanted to remain friends were cast aside, making it even easier for me to feel disconnected. Even though I thought it would help protect the people I cared about from my obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), maybe I was really using the evidence I provided myself of being a bad person to shield them from finding out and potentially deciding that my OCD didn't matter. Despite there being no cure for OCD, treatments like cognitive behavioral therapy may provide relief. This includes deliberately facing obsessions and gradually desensitizing oneself by altering how one perceives them. Bravely undertaking this challenge requires great effort, however it can help you control distress. Throwing myself into something completely, I often find myself exposed to my greatest anxieties; yet this ongoing exposure can be vastly taxing on my mental and physical state. It's important to find equilibrium, otherwise I risk significant damage—just like baking in the sun without sunscreen, I'm sure to get burned. Distinguishing OCD from my internal being necessitates externalizing it; by doing so, I am separating it from myself. When I received news about my diagnosis, I only stayed on the surface level when informing a select few individuals. Gradually, as more time passed by, I delved deeper with those older friends and briefed them more thoroughly about it. Recounting my personal narrative was extremely difficult, however it gave me a newfound sense of empowerment. I now recognize that OCD does not define who I am, but instead is simply an obstacle to overcome.
I dread the potential repercussions of openly acknowledging the mental health issue I am currently facing; the negative public perception and unfair judgment that can come with that. If it weren't for this TED talk, I would have continued to conceal my OCD. However, being open about my mental illness is a matter of responsibility. To ignore the negative stigma around it would be to impair my own self-understanding and deny those around me the experience of knowing me on a deeper level. I am here to uphold the progress I have made and to validate the accomplishments of others who are in a similar situation as me. I refuse to demean my achievements or undermine those like me. Though I still have OCD, I'm finding ways to improve. It's a never-ending process, but it's one that I'm committed to. I firmly believe that those affected by mental illness should not hesitate to strive for their own personal success, as it is something we are all worthy of. I opt to confront OCD rather than aid it. This decision requires boldness and tenacity from me. I don't have any friends at present, but I aspire to make them in the near future. As I'm a good person and believe that I'm deserving of friendship, I am confident that I could make a good friend once given the opportunity. Thank you for challenging loneliness and complacency.
See also: https://mygodsentangels.com/