Last year, I had the opportunity to perform my spoken word poetry in front of an audience ranging from six to twelve years old; both boys and girls. After the performance, questions had been asked. My success drew the attention of many, and one of them, in particular, asked me: "Were your friends jealous of your success?" So I then asked the group, "Who here has a friend who is jealous of their success?" I was stunned when almost everyone in the auditorium, including some teachers, raised their hands to my question - I couldn't believe it! This prompted me to break into tears. A friend is someone who wishes you well, and if this isn't the case then they are not a true friend. Toxic and abusive individuals may initially be very charming and helpful, however their presence in life should ultimately be avoided. They may appear congenial at the start, yet such behavior can have negative consequences. If you are able to, set boundaries and cut out contact with the individuals in question. If this isn't an option for you, try to minimize the contact with them as much as possible. Choosing who to be friends with is a decision that's separate from the one on whom you decide to rely upon. On the one hand, you may need someone to lean on; however, friendship is an entirely different choice.
Aristotle identified three types of friendships: utility, pleasure, and true friendship. He went on to say that people who are bad or unethical can only form friendships of utility or pleasure. Friends of utility use you for their gains and appreciate your company, whereas friends of pleasure truly enjoy your company. However, when the going gets tough, the former may drop or disappear from your life compared to the latter who remain. People who are good of heart and soul can be considered friends of virtue or goodness, which I refer to as a soulmates relationship. This friendship exhibits a unique connection that can be derived from something greater than acting as "fillers" for each other's emptiness. Obeying the whispers of one's soul or conscience requires two people to be willing and able to listen. This means foregoing any desire for immediate gratification and material possessions, in favor of a greater understanding of each other. Two people coming together in a soul mates relationship to create a framework for the future can never be judged by what it currently offers. Preparing the foundation to propel the present into a brighter and more exciting future is the ultimate goal. A soulmate relationship changes the present on two levels: individually and communally. Specifically, if the friends prioritize their relationship over selfish desires, they will not only positively impact each other but also their surrounding environment by letting go of unhealthy social expectations. My current best friend, Delilah Leed, is famous and has taught me what a true friendship looks like. Before meeting her, I honestly didn't know what it meant to have a real friend. So now I will be sharing three lessons with you, gleaned from our experience, so that when you encounter a friend of virtue – which is often difficult to find and keep – you'll know how to recognize and hold on to them.
Abuse of any kind is not natural and should not be tolerated. Flaws are an unavoidable part of life, on the other hand, though these also must not be used as an excuse for inappropriate behavior. Certain people may be kind, funny, hardworking and amazing, but they still wouldn't respect others' time. For example, my friend of mine could have asked for five minutes to get ready and ended up using three hours to prepare herself while I was playing with her cats and she was gluing on her eyelashes. As a poet, I've always prided myself on being patient and sensitive. It's not easy to live up to my own standards of humility and politeness, but that won't stop me from trying. Delilah always had a peculiar way of responding to me, even when I just said "I'm so bored". No matter what, she would turn around with one eyelash still stuck to her face. Her response would be "you didn't have to yell; your eyes did all the screaming". Although this exchange doesn't show us in the best possible light, I'm sharing it to remind us that we and our partners aren't perfect. Even though relationships will never be flawless, the bond between two people can truly be something extraordinary. Flaws are an unavoidable part of being human, especially when it comes to our relationships with those closest to us - whether they take the form of intense or more intimate encounters. We all have flaws, and at the end of the day it's important for us to remember and understand that. Dealing with someone who is flawed can be challenging, but it is a different experience entirely when the person you are dealing with is abusive.
The first lesson has three points to help differentiate between normal, yet annoying human flaws and toxic or abusive traits: Point one - ensure the flaws are not targeted at each other. I have to admit though - I do have a temper. Even though many of you may find it hard to believe, given how friendly and pleasant I usually am. I'm sorry to disrupt your sense of peace and understanding - the universe, after all, is filled with mysterious and unpredictable occurrences. My friend is not someone I should get angry on and use for my emotional outlet. No matter how flawed I may be, it's not right to take out my anger on the person who has been nothing but kind to me. My temper is something I must take control of and not give into. It does not define me, but instead should be used to create positive characteristics within myself. As a friend, there are times when we experience hurt caused by someone we care about. But this doesn't mean that love has to be unconditional. We don't have to accept unacceptable behavior just because we have a friendship. If you ever find yourself in a situation with a friend who tries to justify their harsh behavior towards you by citing your friendship as an excuse, it is important to break off that toxic relationship. An alternative to this kind of damaging association is possible!
Point two: make sure to befriend someone who is genuine and sincere - this will be a true friend. Authenticity is key: having an individual in your life who is real with you can be invaluable. An authentic person expresses themselves honestly, takes responsibility for their mistakes and is willing to change for the better. A hypocrite on the other hand, loves their own image too much to admit when they're wrong and instead of apologizing, will gloss over their wrongdoings with affectionate words. On the other hand, an authentic individual is likely to take an opposite position when the topic is initially mentioned. Nonetheless, they're straightforward about their limits and eager to figure out a way forward - both of which are qualities you can exploit. Authentic people understand their true selves - what makes them unique and how they fit into the world around them. They recognize and accept the different aspects of their character that are both positive and negative. Additionally, they are aware of their own values, beliefs, strengths and weaknesses which helps guide their choices in life. They refuse to rely on resources outside of themselves to maintain a self-manufactured identity; instead, they draw confidence and purpose from within. Maintaining a sustained relationship with someone requires more than just the approval from those around you - it needs commitment from both sides. If you keep your friendship with them unaffected by external influences, then there is a greater chance of developing and maintaining that connection over time.
Toxicity and natural flaws can be difficult to differentiate, but there are three aspects that can help; point three being making sure the person for whom you want to make the distinction is open to change as an inevitable part of life. Someone who is consistently willing to apologize, grow, make amends, let go of unhealthy worldviews and baggage, forgive unconditionally, not calculate their concessions, set boundaries that protect both parties rather than punishing one or the other (and who expects all of that from you as well) is someone worth investing in. No matter who we befriend, we should never expect them to be perfect; for flaws and mistakes are natural. Even if it results in hurt, disappointment, or lies, we can't always blame them for bringing us anguish. We can and should be open to friendships that will help us to overcome our own personal flaws, as well as humbly recognize and accept our own imperfections. We should endeavor to form relationships which can let us learn from each other and work through any issues together. A friendship that is successful requires both members to be open and honest with one another, while avoiding criticism. Issues in the relationship can be improved if each person takes steps to work through the differences. With a commitment to growth, a friendship is likely to endure any flaws it may have. Well, you're probably asking yourself how to make sure anyone would stay around during the early stages of a friendship when there aren't any facts to rely on. After all, getting to know another person requires time and understanding. The answer is simple – practical telepathy!
Lesson two teaches us that life is about taking risks and making calculated decisions. It reminds us that we should not be afraid to try something new; rather, if we carefully think through our options and make the right choice, it will likely lead us down a path of success. The container of our flaws is a bigger picture, and it has a bigger cost. Initially, these flaws bubble and collide together, held in tension by the strong glue of the ring. Delilah had a job she disliked, often attending female gatherings, dreaming about the same things as everyone else. Yet, I felt like she was relinquishing who she truly was just to fit in and go with what everyone else did rather than figuring out her purpose and capabilities. If I could have anything I wanted and there was no obstacle in my way, I remember asking her what that would be. I advised her to pause on the thought because if previous experiences, words, and actions had been limited, she would not be able to transform them into action or progress towards her goals. Though you cannot conceive of limitless possibilities if your actions have been limited, remember that it is still possible to expand your thinking.
It took Delilah almost eighteen months of challenging herself and pushing beyond her own personal boundaries before she finally heard that gentle internal voice that would help her answer an important question. She pursued interests in photography, fiction writing, philosophy, film and TV production and playing a musical instrument by taking classes in these topics. Delilah had a dream of becoming a guitarist, but one day when I happened to come across her lesson I was surprised to find her singing while her teacher played the guitar. I said, "No more guitar lessons for you, young lady. Maybe vocals instead?" Delilah reportedly wrote a science fiction story that impressed her Kuwaiti colleague so much, they sent it to Nabil Farooq—the acclaimed author of Malaf Al Mostakbal and the Godfather of Arabic science-fiction. This remarkable fact can't be found in any interviews. They asked her to write ten more pieces, hoping to put together a collection, but they got quite a surprise when she revealed that she actually disliked writing and didn't want to put herself through the anguish again. Delilah and I always understood that social success or failure was not our top priority; instead, we were focused on other important matters. So pay attention to this part. Delilah's soul longed for something that gave her internal recognition, rather than just external validation. To do this, she had to let go of all the expectations people had placed on her over the years; whether it be writing or playing an instrument, these were their dreams and not necessarily hers.
Delilah Kuwait had a dream for about a year and a half to become an iconic fashion and makeup blogger, serving as Middle East ambassador of beauty, until she finally heard the whisper of her soul inspiring her to pursue it. Knowing this desire, I decided to help her make it happen. By shifting Western perceptions of Arab women in the media from adverse stereotypes such as angry mothers of terrorists to positive portrayals like beautiful, classy and funny girls next door, I have been able to help my best friend recognize her true purpose in life by freeing her from social expectations and fears. In Kuwait I sought to create a creative industry that would bridge the gap between private and public sectors. With the ultimate ambition of expanding this business model into countries across the Middle East, I planned to use fashion and social media as a means of monetizing my vision. In spite of her lofty goals, I must be honest with you: the bigger picture has to take a backseat. When Delilah and I first began building our brand, we were both firmly focused on ourselves. On my side, I was using this opportunity to get revenge for the gossip my old associate was spreading about me. Delilah desired an effortless miracle, as I was composing everything for her at that moment: photo shoots, agreement formulations, interviews interpretations, website building etc. I used to feel very bitter towards my old friend and Delilah, but now I look back upon that period and giggle. After all, Delilah is now a successful entrepreneur who leads a big business network with employees, agents and clients spanning the globe. My desire for revenge and Delilah's need for recognition were two flaws we needed to work on, both of which were illuminated by the wider context. We required that bigger cause to help us understand our mistakes and move past them successfully.
Choosing your friend is the third and most important lesson you need to learn. Even when it is difficult, if you want success and happiness in your life, then you have to make the decision over and over again: choose your friend. Delilah and I have faced some intense moments in our friendship, which thankfully didn't take the form of abuse but were still very difficult situations to deal with. No matter how hard times got, we always chose to remain friends. Every time we faced the most negative aspects of our inner selves, we refused to let it break our bond. Instead, our friendship only seemed to grow stronger each time. When we faced a difficult situation, instead of taking a break or forgetting the pain, we chose to work through it together as it would strengthen our bond. To accomplish this, we had to be willing to let go of our egos and humble ourselves in order to make space for the relationship. It's hard to tell someone who is causing you pain in the midst of all this hurt, but I'm still mad at you. However, if we can get through this and overcome it together, I believe our bond will be unlike any other and that makes it worth the effort. Any friend who motivates and inspires you to become a better person is definitely worth the effort. Knowing this, it is important to put in the time and energy to nurture such a meaningful friendship. May you all have friendships with people of virtue in your lifetime and may those relationships bring an even greater positive impact to the world than you can think of. Thank you for choosing friends ever so wisely!
See also: https://mygodsentangels.com/