Are you ready for me to put an end to three long-standing mysteries now? These have been issues that have perplexed humanity for decades. Let's solve them tonight! The toilet seat should be in the downward position. Toilet paper should be dispensed from the top. The tines of the fork should be facing upwards when placed in the dishwasher so that they can be effectively cleaned. I have sought to answer the difficult questions of our time, all without utilizing my PhD and two master's degrees. How do I know these facts? How do I solve these great dilemmas? By the way, I'm a Jewish person from New York and our main activity is attending school. Well, it's not like my PhD focuses on the correct way to put cutlery into a dishwasher. Nor have I had over 30 years of experience in providing counseling and working with people directly; just to properly arrange cutlery after washing them. The reason I'm so insistent on doing things my own way is because I'm a bit of a control freak and am convinced that my approach is the correct one. I can also let you know what the proper temperature in my home should be; my partner is often incorrect about that as well. My partner and I are having issues because they do not concur with the facts that I just presented. He is sure that forks should be placed in the dishwasher with their tines facing downwards. He knows it for certain. We have both presented compelling arguments for our respective opinions on how to handle forks, but ultimately I am sticking with my view and he is standing by his. This is also something that you practice in your relationship. You believe there is a correct route to take when traveling to your preferred eatery for dinner. Someone here still could have committed the grave mistake of using the same knife to put peanut butter and jelly on their food, which is considered a relationship-ending offense. Additionally, it appears that there are too many decorative pillows on your bed. You will face intense disagreements even over minor matters, as you and your partner each have your own opinion on the matter.
Having a strong opinion in relationships is not something to take lightly. When we are so focused on taking sides, we tend to look closely at all the actions of our partners and compare them to our own, which can make us feel as if what we're doing is always more and superior. Do you recognize the words that come out of your mouth? We often tell people to step up and contribute more, such as "you need to pull your weight," or "it's your turn to put away the dishes." It is time for you to take responsibility and do your part! If you and your partner are alternating between giving and receiving in the relationship, it is likely that you will soon be facing a major issue. If you're viewing your relationship as a competition, it is not healthy. Taking turns in activities can be beneficial, but treating a relationship like a game is not the best approach. When we engage in this activity, we are essentially keeping track of who wins and who loses. We put ourselves and our partners on opposing sides, so when one party emerges victorious, the other must lose. Nevertheless, it is important to remain supportive of both parties regardless of the outcome; rather than rooting for one team over the other. When there's an underlying sense of competition, it can be difficult to develop a close and trusting relationship, because one person feels as though they are losing out if the other gains something. That is why we express our congratulations when you go out with your friends on Friday, so that I can look forward to my own outing on Saturday. Similarly, I am thrilled for you to receive a promotion at work so I could stay home with the kids.
Competition for resources such as time, money, and emotions can prevent us from building an intimate and emotionally close relationship; this is why many relationships fail. I'm not limiting my discussion to divorce alone either. It is widely known that the divorce rate in the United States is quite high, estimated to be around 50 percent, and even higher for those entering into second or third marriages. It is estimated that a large portion of people in relationships are not satisfied: due to the lack of true partnership, feelings of resentment, neglect and dissatisfaction can arise. This shows that we must strive for a more equal arrangement when it comes to marriage if we want to achieve lasting happiness. For the past 34 years, I have been researching relationships. I can tell some of you are trying to guess my age, so let me save you the trouble: I am 54 years old. Now that we have that out of the way, shall we continue? I've been researching relationships for a long time and observing how people evolve, which has led me to an important insight: understanding that you and your partner are one shared resource changes everything. When couples comprehend this, the competition ceases and they move from being disconnected, lonely and frustrated to having deep connection, trust, and ease. The concept is simple yet profound - when you take energy from your partner it's like taking energy from yourself because you share a battery. When you and your partner both take on tasks and do chores around the house, it often leaves you both feeling drained with no energy left for compassion, patience - let alone some romantic time. Your partner cannot lighten your burden as you are still dealing with the same issues, just rearranging them like the mashed potatoes on your plate. When we are in competition with one another, there is no true collaboration and as a result, we can feel disappointed, isolated and rejected.
What can we do then to address this issue? You can start by considering how to alter the situation, and instead of relying on your partner to remove items from the plate, think of ways you can take action. We've been hearing this our entire lives: that relationships are 50/50 and it's as simple as adding two halves together. This idea has been deeply ingrained into us for a long time, but it isn't always true. A relationship is more than just a sum of its parts - it's something much more complex than that. The reality is far from easy - anyone who has been in a relationship for longer than five minutes knows that it is not as straightforward as simple addition. Relationships can be complicated and involve multiple components that interact with each other in an exponential manner, creating a synergistic effect. In fact, these interactions can be compared to multiplication problems; for example, if one divides two by two, the result is one fourth. Those in a relationship of two halves often find themselves with less than what they had when beginning, a reality known to many who have experienced this situation more than once. In order to achieve a fulfilling relationship, both partners need to be whole individuals. This requires both people to put in the work, resulting in a multiplication of efforts that allows for a strong bond between them. You may be thinking right now, "Abby, that all makes sense but doesn't help me; my partner still won't change their attitude." You have the power to completely alter your relationship, even if your partner is unwilling to do anything. However, there is a caveat: you must be the one to make the first change. Generally, it's the person in most pain who needs to take action first.
It's essential to be aware of how you go about making changes in your relationships, and some of you may have already tried to do so. However, it's possible that you ended up reverting back to old patterns and behaviors as you weren't following the right method. There is a hidden trick which nobody talks about when it comes to this. I would like you to pause and consider the difference between the speed at which our conscious brains process information (50 bits per second) compared to that of our unconscious brains (11 million bits per second). By attending a fantastic TED talk, you will gain knowledge of an amazing tool. This will likely make you conscious of something incredible, and it may even motivate you to work on your relationship- that is simply great! Although you may not be aware of it, the doubts that are lurking beneath the surface of your consciousness are all too real. I've thought to myself that our issues have been around for quite some time, so the idea which Abbey proposed wasn't going to resolve them for me; however, it may be successful in helping others. I'm here to tell you that it is possible for you to get the 50 and 11 million together, but you will need to figure out how to align the pieces first. You must take the time to carefully consider your options in order to make this happen. When you're feeling overwhelmed by doubts, anxieties, worries, resentments or anger, your partner is likely to pick up on this negative energy. It's important to remember that they won't be able to sense the positive emotions and thoughts that you may have at these times. The result of this is that they don't alter their behavior or do anything different, since they understand what you are implying even if you don't say it outright. Your partner may not hear your words, but they comprehend the message you are sending.
Ensuring that your actions and words are in alignment is essential. This means that what you say and what you mean must be consistent with each other. It can be daunting at times to contemplate what the next step should be, and I'm sure many of you feel the same way. The great news is that there is a straightforward and effortless approach to accomplish this, which is to put in your full effort. No holding back, no keeping track of who's doing more or less; just go all-out without worrying about what the other person is up to and don't criticize them for their actions. Don't create any sense of competition between you two either. Leaving all the other worries and distractions behind, it is important to be fully committed to your relationship every day when you wake up. If you put in only half the effort at work, would you expect to get promoted or receive a raise? The answer is likely no - your situation is no different. Committing one hundred percent is the essential element to establishing a truly joyful and emotionally bonded relationship. I don't want to put pressure on anyone by expecting a commitment of 150% - that's an unhealthy practice known as codependency. Rather than grumbling about something that you'd like your partner to do, I suggest taking full responsibility for it and doing it yourself with a hundred percent effort, love, compassion, warmth, humor and thoughtfulness every day. If you wish to experience a greater level of love in your relationship, then the best way to do so is by being more loving. Similarly, if you want to witness more kindness and compassion from your partner, be more compassionate and kind yourself. When we begin this process, your light will become incredibly luminous. Your presence will be so captivating that your partner will be irresistibly drawn to you, just like a moth is pulled in by the flame.
By living in this way, you become a source of warmth and comfort in your home. It can be an unforgiving world out there, so make sure to take care of yourselves. I wanted to make sure that everyone in this room felt a sense of security and comfort, as if their home was the only refuge they could rely on. I wish for your significant other to be able to come home, warm their hands and feel comforted and cherished due to the incredible effort you are putting forth. It takes time and effort to build great relationships; they are not created in an instant, but rather over time with consistent effort. I urge you to begin this task immediately and not wait until tomorrow, Monday or even the start of next month. That is why I am asking everyone to figuratively wake up tonight and get started. Develop a habit of devoting all your energy to each day and make sure to do this regularly. Keeping in mind that dedication and consistency are key for long-term success. After all, However, it is generally believed that treating others with kindness, empathy, and respect can lead to positive outcomes and relationships. When we show love and compassion towards others, it can create a ripple effect that spreads kindness and positivity to those around us, and may encourage them to reciprocate those same behaviors. So, while I don't have personal experiences, I understand that treating others with kindness and compassion can have positive effects. This will come back to you tenfold. I am deeply appreciative of the love and affection you have shown me already.
See also: https://mygodsentangels.com/