Our reunion was a cross between first love and moving overseas. It was consuming and intoxicating, and only the way that a heart desired could be. On April 6 2012, the day I was originally meant to be boarding a jet plane to start my new life away from everything I knew, my relationship ended. I got up at 6:30 in the morning, even though I was supposed to be staying at my parents' house to calm down. The sky was so blue it was hard to see through my bloodshot eyes. The bright sunshine clapped against my face, making the day seem even more beautiful than usual. More sobs consumed me as I stepped out onto the balcony; this boa constrictor of crying squeezes your chest and heart, until it has completely strangled your throat and cut off all manner of possible talking. I was feeling lost and did not know what to do, so my mum came over to hug me. I told her that I was feeling overwhelmed and did not know what to do. Looking up at the sky, I could not help but think what a great twist this would be if it was a script. The funny thing is that it turns out that is exactly what it was. Now, as a writer and producer, I constantly have to try and balance the heart-focused creative writer side with the cerebral control freak producer side. This room is a constant battle.
When my first love and I reconnected on paper, my life was pretty much perfect. I had the job as a head of development for a film and television production company. I was renting an apartment here in Brisbane that was really nice by myself and had a clear career path. I was not happy with myself. I was lying to myself every single day, telling myself that "it will be fine." I have been convincing myself for the last three years that everything in my life has to go according to plan, repressing a lot of my feelings in the process. But I started to realize that maybe this is not the best way to live. I was shutting away my heart's concerns in a cupboard so that my head could be in control. My thinking was that if I tried hard enough, things would work out. However, this turned out to be a problem. It was really tough to manage everything and I became so drained because I was putting all of my energy into the parts of my life that were just not what I wanted them to be. I was in such denial because I thought my plan would work that I became someone who never went anywhere, did not see my friends and family, did not meet new people, and did not have any experiences. I also stop working on things that I loved, like my creative projects. In retrospect, I see that what I was doing was essentially putting band-aids on a very flawed approach to my life. If anything, it was not a sustainable way to live, and simply served as a distraction from the underlying issue.
The thing that is funny about having a plan that you know will not work is that you start to forget why you had that plan in the first place. I used to love writing and producing; it felt like such a measurable passion and joy. However, I started to now hate the things I once loved. I forgot why I wanted to be a writer and producer in the first place. While my heart was screaming at me from a cupboard that I had put it in, it would quickly say, "Emma, what are you doing?" But my head would quickly say, "Shut up. I am too busy." I had always been too busy to truly focus on relationships, but when my first love and I reconnected, everything started to change. I remember the first time we had spoken on skype. We had not seen each other's faces for two years, and so, as soon as I saw him I knew that I was in real trouble. A few months later, I flew out to visit him and we had an amazing time catching up. We were both naturally emotional and it was great to finally be able to spend some quality time together again. I convinced myself that the life I was living was exactly what I wanted, but then I was abruptly taken back to my reality. I was right back at home, faced with the life that I had convinced myself was everything that I wanted. I saw the bundle of band-aids and realized that some things just can not be fixed. I came to the realization that I did not want to fix it anyway. At a certain point, I did what any rational person would do and made plans to move to the other side of the world away from everything I knew. This was driven by my undying love for him. I have gone too far the other way and my head is freaking out. I am only listening to my heart now, but I guess that is the inherent problem with having a head and a heart; it is always going to be a battle without a definite conclusion nearby. I had been lying to myself about my life for a long time and I realized that if everything fell apart, I would have to be responsible for rebuilding it. So I made a promise to myself that I would take complete control of my life if things went wrong.
We arrive back at the balcony now and at the part where I am in tears. I had unnaturally applied for the wrong visa without doing enough research, which was why I was consequently barred from entering the country that would have been my new home away from home. After doing a lot of research, I finally found a way to solve the problem. I realized that I could go anywhere to find a solution. We can go somewhere else for a little while until we can figure out how to be together. He has a portable job, so we can just go anywhere except for his current home country. I was telling my friend on Skype that I wished a solution would appear to the problem we were discussing, but I did not think it would. He said that he had an idea, but it was too complicated and involved for me. I said that I wanted to be with him, regardless. Unfortunately, it was all too hard. He did not fight for me and it fell apart. Now, it is a true challenge to deal with unrequited love, especially unrequited love from someone whom you thought would be your sweetheart fighting by your side. It really makes you question your self-worth. So, later that day, after crying a lot, I shut myself in a room to watch my favorite film. But for me, it is not love actually or Bridget Jones's Diary. It was Lord of the Rings. These next few weeks were tough. I had stop functioning properly, to feeling really good unexpectedly. But then, my head would tell me that I should be heartbroken, and I had start to feel bad again because I was feeling so good. But he truth I realized about being heartbroken is that by now it is really hard to lie to yourself and control how you feel. At least for me, when my heart is broken, it is hard to act like everything is okay. I realized that there was no way I could keep lying to myself about the relationship. I tried to ignore the signs that it was ending, but I could not stopped thinking about the possibility of heartbreak. Pixar films and Regina Spektor songs were constant reminders of our shared memories. As time went on, I started feeling really good. I think I realized that my heart knew deep down that it was always going to be okay because I decided to be honest with myself again. The whole process was quite cathartic in many ways. I expected my head to tell me I was wrong a few times, but it never did. I think it realized that my heart might know what it was talking about. Even though the one thing did not work out, everything else did. I was always too busy to pursue things that I was passionate about because I had to make my concrete life plan work. However, when I stopped lying to myself, opportunities that I had been blind to started appearing in my life in amazing ways.
Since the heartbreak in April, I have been spending more time focusing on self-care and healing. I have been reading, meditating, exercising and spending time in nature. It has really helped me to clear my head and start moving on. I am slowly but surely getting back to my old happy self again. My writing partner and I are now working on a series of children's books called Mirabella the mermaid detective. I have been closed off emotionally for a while, but that changed when I experienced heartbreak. That allowed me to be the writing and creative partner that I should have always been. My best friend Ahmet Muhtar, and business partner Jonathan Duffy, and I are also making a film about marriage equality called The Doctor's Wife. This is an issue we believe to be of the utmost importance. I am now a entrepreneur with my own business. I have huge plans for travel and adventure, and now I am here today with all of you, my audience, to share my ideas. Thanks for being a part of my journey! In spite of all the emotional turmoil I am experiencing, or rather because of it, I am living the life I have always dreamed of. It is still not always a smooth ride, though. Even writing this speech has been intense. Despite my head's newfound respect for my heart, the process had not gotten easier. I do not know how many times I had cried while writing this speech, though I do remember having read it three times without shedding a single tear. But it has taken me awhile to come to terms with not only the fact that my relationship failed, but also that I had been living a lie for so long. One person that we should never lie to is ourselves. When we lie to ourselves, not only are we in denial, but we are also inadvertently lying to every other person in our lives. Honesty is a key element of a good relationship, and by lying to ourselves, we are breaking that trust. Giving advice is something most women are good at, but taking our own advice is another story. If there is one thing to take away from this, it is that nothing good can come from lying to yourself. Hopefully we can all remember and practice this in our lives. In a separate passage I found while researching my speech, marketing guru and author Seth Godin states that it is only our own mental interpretation of what we think others think of us that ever tells us we are not good enough. He even went as far as titling the passage "How Long are You Going to You?". This really struck a chord to me! In exchange for following the rules and sacrificing your dreams, you would be promised riches and rewards. However, the only things you are guaranteed to received are debt, self-doubt, and empty promises. For the first time in far too long, I am honest with myself. Being heartbroken has allowed me to be my true self again. This is something I have to be grateful for. Our hearts are often relegated as most trivial trivia in life, only being brought out in our moments solace. However, they are with us every step of the way and play for us a fundamental role in our success. Sometimes, you just know things. That feeling you get in your gut, instinct or intuition is just as important in business and innovation as it is in love and relationships. Following your sixth sense or woman's intuition can help you make big decisions with confidence. We really should never lie to ourselves: it is hard to do when we listen to both our heads and hearts with equal respect and recognition. The truth is not always fun, but it can be painful. Most of the time, the truth is something that we would rather not know. It can be hard to handle, and it can hurt us. But sometimes, the truth is the only thing that we can rely on. After all, the truth can and will set all of us free. But being honest with ourselves is the best and the only way to create and achieve greatness. If we want to empower, inspire, and innovate, we need to be honest about what we are capable of. Only then can we reach our full potential and make a difference in the world.
See also: https://mygodsentangels.com/