Yes, I have fallen completely in love before. The first time it happened, I was head-over-heels and couldn't get enough of that person. We were inseparable and every moment spent together was magical. Our love was so sweet and unshakable when I was just eighteen. It felt like it would certainly last forever. Seven years ago, I went through the most devastating breakup imaginable. It was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. I was shattered after my break-up and convinced that happiness was a thing of the past. Thankfully, with time (and a lot of effort), I am managing to piece myself back together and find joy once more.
How could two people who seemingly loved each other so much, end up fighting to the point where there is no alternative but to separate? My question is, how did this happen? I never would have thought that this one question would shape my life the way it has. But here I am, almost seven years later and it's still as relevant as ever. So often we go through life not really knowing what we're doing or where we're going with our partners. I hope you enjoyed these little homemade chocolates as much as I did making them. It was a lot of fun to make them and I'm glad you could share in the enjoyment. So I ended up researching marriages at Stony Brook in Long Island New York, studying different aspects of matrimony as a whole. I helped couples improve their relationships and prevent divorce. And though I interviewed hundreds of couples, not a single one of them said that they wanted to be unhappy. Instead, they all expressed a desire for happiness in their relationship. All of them shared the same dream of a Hollywood fairytale ending with endless love. It doesn't look good; a lot of people try to manage their own marriages among other relationships, but not all of them succeed.
There is a high probability that you will get divorced at some point in your life if you live in the Western world. Two out of three people in the Western world end up getting divorced according to statistics. Therefore, it is highly likely that you will go through a divorce if you live in the Western world. Why are so many marriages unhappy or even lonely? One reason may be that people aren't honest with each other about what they want and need. Another reason may be that people expect too much from marriage and don't put enough effort into making it work. Would you jump out of a third-floor window onto a concrete floor? Probably not. Why not? Because you studied the laws of physics. How many of us have studied the laws of emotion that explain our own inner worlds and the interpersonal dynamics we find so complicated? Understanding these laws can help us make sense of our emotions and manage them more effectively. We can't expect children to grow up and get along on an ever more crowded planet if we don't prepare them for that. I took a journey to become a therapist and an executive coach. My job is to study other people's inner lives. I've met with people from all kinds of backgrounds that have helped me understand what it takes to be successful.
I began my work with children in gangs in California prisons. I have worked with these children and continue to do so in order to help them turn their lives around. These kids come from all walks of life, but they share one key similarity: they all need someone willing to invest time in them. I have worked with various people belonging to different walks of life; right from parents of child abuse survivors to supermodels and aristocracy. I have also worked with different groups of people including incest survivors, hedge fund managers, CEOs and board members of companies. Amongst even them, there are many unhappy couples. I've learned some important lessons through my experiences with those people, and I wanted to share them with you today. In particular, I learned the importance of resilience and perseverance. No matter what hardships or obstacles we face in life, it's important to remember that we can always overcome them by being resilient for and truly loyal to our partners. A husband explains, "I'm going to be two hours late for dinner, so sorry in advance. I'll make it up to you somehow, I promise." This husband is just trying to get through the day. On the other hand, his wife is thinking to herself, "Oh my god, he is running late three times this week already. What am I supposed to do? I matter, right? Does he even care about me at all?" When the husband comes home, it's not a very romantic evening like it should be. It's a similar scenario: the phone rings and it's the husband saying they will be running late for dinner. This wife would be thinking, "Why, he is running late three times this week already. He was already tired when he commuted this morning. I'm so sorry he has to go through this. It's just not fair. And he's doing all of this just to provide a better living for us and our children." She gives him a big hug when he comes home and tells him that they should make the best out of the evening they have now. Unsurprisingly, these two women had reacted differently to the same event of causation, between sensitive agitation & anger and more collected reservations. Such differences can be chalked up to a variety of factors, including upbringing and previous experiences. Would it surprise you that a woman's previous marriage ended in divorce because her husband cheated on her? For one of these woman, it might have triggered fear of an affair. For the other woman, the trigger of self-sacrifice produces feelings of gratitude and compassion. However, if I told you that this woman's father worked day and night to earn extra money to put her through university, so she would not have to experience poverty as he did, you might have a different reaction. You cannot get triggered into an emotional reaction without a receptor field of yours reacting to the trigger. In other words, it's no coincidence that you see certain things as being fortunate or otherwise - your own inner state is actually reacting to the stimulus.
Think of this scenario this way, the top of a mountain can be thought of as the triggering button that can be pressed. The bottom of the mountain is often underneath the fog, which means it is often outside of your conscious awareness. People generally have a hard time realizing when they're triggered emotionally. It's usually an unconscious process that only reveals itself during or after a triggering event. And even then, most people don't make the connection between the event and their reaction. In psychology, emotional schemas are thought of as ways of organizing our emotional experiences. These schemas help us to make sense of our emotions and can even influence how we react to future experiences. There are a lot of people walking around wearing glasses, not realizing that the world looks different to them based on the color of the glasses. It's like looking at the world through colored glasses - if you're wearing pink glasses, everything looks pink. But if you're wearing blue glasses, everything looks blue. Just because I study the processes of how relationships end, doesn't mean that I'm immune to them. I still experience breakups and heartache, even though I understand why they're happening. My personal story is something that I don't take lightly. It's very important to me and it's something that I hold close to my heart. So please, if you're hearing this story, know that it's something I am trusting you with.
I remember dating a therapist in my early 20s and getting into an argument with her one day. I got so angry that I kind of destroyed the relationship. I was so angry with him and sure that I had made the wrong decision in dating him. All he did was be horrible to me and I was convinced that I deserved better. In the heat of the moment, I was sure that he was wrong and I was right. "Diana," he said, looking at me, "Are you angry at me?" I had to admit that he was right - I was so angry at him that I couldn't even remember my own love for him. I'm a bit puzzled because I only remember confirming my own anger, and then he looked at me with so much love in his eyes and said, "Diana, I am angry at you too, but despite my anger I can still remember how much I loved you." He said, "I don't want to hurt you. I love you too much for that." Even though I started crying, he hugged me and provided comfort. I felt safe in that moment, and I realized that I'm angry just to avoid getting hurt again.
Now I wish to ask my audience a question: How many of you present thought earlier "I knew my wife was at fault"? Those of you who may have had that thought, what if you tried this method instead because it works much better? The reason it's not easy to respond with love and compassion when someone is angry at us is because it doesn't trigger positive feelings for most of us. No matter how much you study, there are always going to be things that you don't know. The best way to learn is by doing. By jumping in and trying things out, you learn what works and what doesn't. You also learn how to come up with solutions to problems on your own. With more awareness and practice by the moment, you can learn not to react back against a trigger, but instead respond kindly in return. This will give you much better results over time. The lesson here is to appreciate what we have while we have it. Life is constantly changing and nothing stays the same forever. We should cherish the relationships, experiences, and belongings we have while we have them because they may not be there tomorrow.
Awareness helps individuals better understand their surroundings and the events taking place within them. It is the ability to be present in the moment and to be conscious of your thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Awareness allows you to see things from different perspectives and can help you make more informed decisions. This psychologist was able to avoid getting triggered himself by my anger, due to his awareness of the situation. He realized that there was probably something more going on than just my anger, and this helped him to master lesson number two: avoiding getting triggered yourself. To be fair, he was naturally getting angry back. But completely aware of his circumstances, he was still able to snap out of his anger and master lesson 3 - respond to the other person's need first with love and empathy. We used to be in love, but we broke up and it's pretty clear that things will never go back to the way they were. Even though we're not together anymore, I can't help but think about what could have been. In today's world, it's important to be aware of what's happening around you. Glasses can help you do that in more ways than one. Whether you're looking for fashion or function, glasses can give you the ability to see things more clearly. Businesses also use glasses to stay ahead of the competition. I'm going to share another story with you. It was another hard time for me, but we made it through anyway.
I had the pleasure of working with Robert, a very successful executive of a rather large company. He was an excellent leader and provided great opportunities for those who worked under him. He always had time for his employees and was able to help them succeed. I enjoyed working with him and learned a lot from him. Robert's company is facing some uncertain times that have nothing to do with him. The Board of Directors has a fear that they could fail. However, Robert remains confident in his company's future for a while. Because of their fear, they started to become overly critical of Robert. This criticism triggered Robert the executive into feeling completely unhelpful. He started to do the three cardinal mistakes: becoming defensive, ignoring other people instead of listening to them, and avoiding to show gravitas. When you yourself get into an unhelpful state, you're much more likely to trigger an unhelpful state in the other person, who will then trigger that back in you. It's like a vicious spiral that ends in boredom or even worse, madness. The challenge was how to reverse the spiraling downward trend so that we could once again make progress. I worked with Robert to clear and connect his emotional receptor field. Through that counseling, he was able to not get trigger so easily and implement the strategy successfully, building trust with the board along the way and getting the company back on track. In today's world, there is a belief that reason alone can solve all of our problems. However, this view ignores the role that emotion plays in our lives and decision-making. Emotions add color and depth to our experiences, and they can also be a motivating force for change. If you ignore emotions, you may find it easier to be rational. However, this can lead to being unprepared to deal with the human factor. Emotions are a natural part of human interaction, and being aware of them can help you be better prepared for what may come up. Your emotional brain can override your rational brain without you even realizing it. This can happen when your emotions are strong enough to override the logical thinking of your rational brain. In other words, if you're feeling a powerful emotion, it can influence the decisions you make even if you don't want it to. The brain cannot discern between good and bad, it simply processes information. This is why the brain is impartial to whether the information it is processing is positive or negative. It is up to the individual to determine the value of the information being processed. You can use this to determine very specifically what you need to do in order to improve your productivity. This means that you can set goals and work towards achieving them in a more effective manner. Additionally, this can help you to better identify time-wasting activities and work on eliminating them from your routine.
When you feel yourself getting triggered, try to do what the Green Monster does. Ask yourself the following four questions: One: What am I feeling? Two: What am I fearing? Three: Why am I feeling afraid? Four: How can I heal myself from this for the future? Our emotional receptor fields hold the key to understanding our feelings and emotions. By inquiring within ourselves, we can better understand the internal workings of our emotional landscapes. This process of self-discovery can help us find compassion and peace within ourselves. There's good news: you can repair your own receptor fields and reduce the number of triggers that easily affect you. Doing this requires some effort, but it'll be worth it to feel better overall. Pain, fear, and shame are underlying emotions that most people just simply ignore. These emotions can cause triggers and automatic reactions. By becoming aware of these emotions, we can begin to understand our reactions better. Imagine if every child were taught about emotional intelligence in school. They would learn how to create and maintain healthy relationships. Just think of the positive impact this would have on families, businesses, countries, and the world itself.
When I started working one-on-one with people, I realized that beneath their angry outbursts were feelings of fear, and beneath their allures of greatness were feelings of shame. I started working with them on healing the receptor fields. For example, if someone says to you "you're so stupid," and there's a little tiny part of you that thinks "I am stupid.", you're gonna react a little bit like this: "What? How dare you!" If you know deep down that you're not stupid, you're more likely to take risks and explore new things. Knowing this about yourself can give you the confidence to take on new challenges, which can lead to personal growth. Because by now would you think "I wonder what's going on with him today. He seems to be feeling pretty aggressive and I'm not sure why. I wonder if something is going on that we don't know about." Once you heal your own thinking, there's a naturally genuine curiosity about what's going on with the other person. And so, you're able to just respond to their needs and defuse the situation. No matter who you are, I believe that everyone has a naturally compassionate side. I have seen this in the way people interact with each other and in the way they treat others. It is something that we all have in common and it is something that we should all strive to nurture. Behind the yucky stuff that most people don't even know they have, there is normally buried a emotional gem. This gem is what makes someone unique and special. It is what makes them stand out from the rest. As I worked with people, I realized that everyone was like a mirror reflecting back to me the emotional dynamics happening within myself. I understood that the same dynamics were occurring inside every single person. And the funny thing still is that most of them think this stuff happens only to them and them alone. I like to think that all humans are just one big family, and so I welcome anyone who comes into my office with a heart full of honest emotions. It can be difficult for people to tell me things about themselves and be vulnerable in the process, but I encourage them to do so because it makes us more connected as humans. Thank you for understanding that we are all the same. Thank you for being accepting and kind. Thank you for being a good person.
See also: https://mygodsentangels.com/