With the encouragement of TED, I slightly altered the beginning of my speech. This emphasis on being heard has encouraged me to evoke a commitment from you today — to reconsider and revisit connections with brothers and sisters of yours. While this task may not necessarily be straightforward, it promises to be personally fulfilling and enlightening. At the age of 34, Elliot Roosevelt's life had reached a heartbreaking conclusion. Difficulties marked his days, endlessly engulfed in alcohol and his addiction to morphine. Battling the depths of depression, he didn't succeed in overcoming alcoholism. Elliot found it especially difficult to measure up to his big brother Teddy Roosevelt who, in his shadow, seemed to breeze through life with less effort than he. This became all the more challenging for him due to his last name. Bobby Kennedy similarly had a difficult time being the brother of a president, yet he still loved and deeply cared for Jack. He dedicated himself in advocating for him and remained loyal throughout. After Jack's passing resulting from political assassination, Bobby smiled but only with tremendous effort. Doing his job was required but he sensed great distress performing it. His death, akin to John's, seems appropriate; Bobby shared the same fate with John Kennedy in that he was bereft of his life in its youth. In the midst of tragedy and sadness for the loss of two greatly admired figures, Bobby might have felt a sense of liberation. Our relationship with our siblings can extend farther, closeness more rewarding and variable than any other connection. It may connote an unbreakable bond, even when emotions range between happiness and sorrow. Despite it being a complex association full of verve and emotion, the joy found in having family unites us all. From petulance to pageantry, the power of the sibling bond can vary drastically. Neil Bush demonstrated this with his frustrations when compared to his elder brother's Jeb and George W., as he felt that they were unfairly held responsible for his personal troubles in regards to a savings and loan scandal, and messy divorce. Our siblings can be a lifelong foundation for love. Throughout our lives, our parents are gone too soon, and it's not until later on that we come to marry or have children of our own. But it's our brothers and sisters who will stay with us through thick and thin from beginning till the end. Our relationships with our siblings shape and guide us over the course of our lives - this holds true for me, your children and anyone else who is lucky enough to have a brother or sister. No other connection can profoundly influence us like those far-reaching bonds that are crafted throughout the years.
This picture was taken a few years ago with Steve (on the left) being eight years old and myself being six, our brother Gary at five and Bruce as four. I won't mention the exact year, but it certainly wasn't this one! On a Saturday morning, I opened my new book, The Sibling Effect. Little did I know that shortly after a picture was taken of what transpired: my older brother, younger brother and I myself had decided to try keeping our youngest brother safe; by locking him in a fuse cabinet in the playroom. Our father was known for his short temper and never appreciated disturbances on Saturdays. He probably hadn't expected to have all four of us, ranging from ages twelve through four, when the youngest one was born. Even though they were just little charges then, we boys certainly weren't at all calm and quiet during any Saturday morning. He responded in a very negative fashion to being disturbed on a Saturday morning, entering the playroom and lashing out at whoever was close enough for him to reach. We were never subjected to serious abuse, however we did receive physical punishment that scared us. As soon as the footsteps approached, Steve (the oldest) hid under the couch, I dived into the playroom closet, and Gary dove into a toy chest in the window seat while Bruce himself was concealed away into the fuse box. We called it an "Alan Shepard space capsule" to make his hiding spot sound more exciting than frightening. At the time, my father never let on that he saw through the "rules" of his sons trying to keep our little brother safe by pinning him up against a panel full of unscrewed high voltage fuses. Only in time did I realize what a bad decision that had been. Although our times were difficult, my brothers and I made sure to appreciate the strong bond we shared. Amidst the unhappiness, there was one thing which was crystal clear: our connection is hard to break and beautiful in its own way. We were a tough and impassioned group, united by our loyalty to one another - a unified unit that was even greater than the sum of its parts. Through thick and thin we stuck together, knowing that this bond of strength and support would continue throughout our days. We are never alone.
The sibling bond had never been taken too seriously by scientists, and for a good reason too: unlike having only one mother, father and spouse, siblings are not so distinct as they are interchangeable and can be considered a commodity. But having started fifteen years ago, this mindset slowly began to change. As long as everyone can keep breathing, parents can keep stocking their shelves with unlimited inventories on sperms, eggs and economic expertise. Nature is unconcerned with our preference to pass on as many genes as possible to the next generation because that goal aligns directly with our primal directive as humans. Animals face similar dilemmas, but they cope with them in a simpler way. Wrestling with such issues is common for animals just as it is for people; however, the way that they deal with them tends to be more straightforward. The mama crested penguin lays two eggs, taking a good look at them; she realizes the smaller one is less likely to survive so she decidedly pushes it away from the nest. This gives all her attention and energy to the remaining egg, which most likely will produce a hearty chick. Allowing her chicks to hatch, a black eagle stands back and watches as the bigger ones take out the smaller ones in a fierce struggle - tearing them apart. Eventually the remaining birds grow up peacefully. In their tiny piglet forms, these creatures may seem adorable - with their outwardly set teeth pointing out like a peculiarity; but make no mistake, as soon as they’re born they use those same little teeth to vie for premium nourishment among their competitors. Scientists experienced a perplexity when exploring family relationships. After so much effort into researching mothers, others and families, the determining factor that kept being revisited was siblings - it being the temperamental "dark matter" responsible for the gravity-like force.
We, no more different from animals, are always seeking to please our parents and market our own strongest characteristics. These might be qualities such as intelligence, beauty, athleticism or humor; whatever the case may be we put in great effort in order to make a favorable impression. Alternatively, I could be the student council president or focus on the arts for which I could receive a hundred percent of family applause. Instead of this, if I got into high school football, which my older brother is not, then I'd only get at most fifty percent cheers from my family. Parents can sometimes unwittingly contaminate the so-called De-identification process by conveying implicit messages to their kids, indicating that certain forms of success will be applauded more than others in their household. Kennedy made it evident to his family of nine children: that if they were unable to achieve victory in athletics, then they would have be relegated from eating with the rest of the family in the dining room and instead be made to eat with their hired help in the kitchen. Jack Kennedy, the scrawny second born, worked arduously to keep up with his sportier elder brother Joe. Things went awry in a bicycle race they had around the house where they crashed, leading to a blow that left Jack requiring 28 points of sutures while Joe escaped practically unscathed.
Parents contribute to this issue when they show preference for one child over another, something that frequently occurs regardless of how much occasional refusals of doing so exist. Parents may be exhibiting preferential treatment towards one of their children, according to The Sibling Effect which was featured in Time magazine. Evidence shows that 70% of fathers and 65% of mothers show signs of this favoritism but the remaining parents are likely just more adept at concealing it. My wife and I honestly have no favorite amongst our children, while it is said that 95% of parents do. Nevertheless, five percent of that same number may be shamming their preferences. Parents often have an inclination to favor their firstborn due to the large amount of resources they dedicate to them in the early years. This is understandable as firstborns are essentially the first products on the familial assembly line and parents may feel like they've already invested too much money, energy and other resources into them so that when a second child comes along, it's almost like starting from scratch with a new product. It is as if we're leaning more towards Mac OS 10 for the present time, but there are other considerations too. Considering this, we plan to remain committed to Mac OS 10 for the foreseeable future and wait for the release of Mac OS 11 in a few years' time. The study that was studied here and in the book indicated that, surprisingly, fathers usually prefer their last-born daughter most while mothers more commonly favor their first born son. No longer is it about Oedipal Complex, as Freud warned us a century ago; although, most fathers find it hard to resist their daughter's charm. Speaking from personal experience with two daughters, I can testify that this plays an integral part in relationships between fathers and their little ones. There is a sense of narcissistic reproduction at work, in which you especially love your children of the opposite gender when they exhibit similar temperaments as yours. Even if they cannot have exact replicas of your own personality, subtly similar qualities contribute to an increased affectional bond between both parties. That is why the businessman dad will be so proud of his MBA daughter, who is known to be relentless in her endeavor to work tirelessly. On the other hand, the sensitive mom will naturally beam with joy at her poet son.
The topic of birth order is also relevant in other ways; this was covered for Time and expanded upon in my book, The Sibling Effect. Parents long ago observed certain temperament patterns linked to birth order- being serious and determined (first born), feeling stuck in the middle (middle born), and a wild streak (last born). They know behavior wasn't RULE governed but truly related to each child's unique place within the family. Firstborns tend to be bigger and healthier than babies of the family, something which has been supported across the centuries. Scientists found this is partially due to firstborns having access to more food where there can be scarcity, in addition to regular vaccinations and follow up visits. This remains true in this day and age. Firstborns have an IQ advantage of three points over middle children and a 1.5 advantage over later-born siblings, mainly due to the exclusive attention and nurturing they receive from their parents, as well as opportunities to mentor their younger siblings. Firstborns are more likely to excel in fields like CEO, senator, and even astronaut as well as financially due to their upbringing and circumstances. This is demonstrated by their greater odds for achieving head-high positions or earning more than other kids. The later-born siblings arrive to a tricky situation: they are the smallest, weakest cubs of the den and could easily become dinner. To deal with this challenge, they develop low power skills: charm and diplomacy which helps them anticipate situations so they can stay out of trouble. Humor is an incredibly valuable tool. People who make us laugh are tough to put down – which makes the ability to deliver quality jokes all the more important. Having a quick wit can be very useful and make life much more enjoyable - especially in situations where our laughter can unlock almost any door! Satire is a powerful and timeless technique: the work of later children and those from large families, such as Jonathan Swift, Mark Twain, Voltaire, and Stephen Colbert all prove this. Their use of humor to poke at important social issues has shaped our culture irreversibly over the course of history. Middle children are like the "flyover states", often overlooked and not given the same attention. We fight harder for recognition in the home, constantly trying to be noticed by raising our hands while someone else is called on. Middle children can take longer to find their direction in life but they will succeed! Middleborns tend to have more self-esteem issues, but this can be counteracted by things such as doing TED. While their needs at home may not have been met as wholly, the positive applies because it forces them to develop meaningful relationships outside the family network.
The quarrels that break out in the playroom – between siblings and friends – due to favoritism, birth order, etc. are persistent and prevalent; a study has discovered that those aged 2–4 indulge in an altercation every 6.3 minutes - a result of 9.5 disputes each hour! In a larger household, it is easy to forget that each person there has a discreet relationship with every other person. There are far more of these inter-personal relationships in the house than one might think - adding up quickly - and this can be why feeling overwhelmed becomes an issue. Mum and Dad each have a relationship with both Child A and B; in addition, there is the marital relationship between Mum and Dad as well as the relationship between the two kids. Altogether, this family of two parents and two kids has six dyads. The formula for determining how many bonds can exist in a family is K square minus K, all divided by two ((K^2 - K)/2 = X). A five-person family has ten dyads, the Brady Bunch with its eight-member family has 28, the Kennedy's nine members had 55 and when Bobby Kennedy branched out with 11 children, there were a total of 91 dyads. Sibling fights are nearly unavoidable when dealing with an overpopulation of relationships and the biggest pain point is property. Studies show that 95 percent of fights between young children involve someone interacting with another's belongings. This kind of heated reaction is actually beneficial in some ways due to youngsters not having any control when entering this world. Kids' understanding of fairness is another very common source of conflict among children. Most parents hear the same voice fourteen times daily: "That's not fair!". However, this aligns with kids' strong natural sense of justice and helps to teach them a valuable life lesson. Our brains process how strongly perceptible fairness is biologically in much the same way we view revulsion: Bernie Madoff's notoriety gives testament to this. Evoking the same reaction to a short-change as smelling something rancid, it is indisputable that humans are encoded with a deeply-rooted sense of justice.
Siblings learn the skills of avoiding and resolving conflicts, standing up for themselves and showing love, loyalty, honesty and caring through everyday dramas that are experienced moment by moment. These instants also provide valuable lessons on issues such as sharing, compromising, keeping secrets, as well as trusting in each other with confidential conversations. Late into the night, my adorable young daughters and I can be found engaged in conversation. As was likewise the case between my own parents and siblings, rare is the occasion in which I interject; rather, more often than not, I let their exchange unfold unhindered. A conversation all of its own, which nobody else can be part of, is shared between two people (and siblings in particular) over the course of their lives; and it's something that should continue for eternity. Having a sense of constancy means having somebody steady and reliable to travel life alongside with. This feeling can come from having a permanent traveling companion in whom you can confide and who helps road test life with you before truly starting off on your own journey. Many adult siblings may tragically find it necessary to end their relationships, however this is in no way a criterion for living a contented life. Throughout history, many only children have illustrated an astounding talent to cultivate connection and companionship with their friends, relatives and schoolmates. Having siblings provides the perfect opportunity to establish lasting bonds, making it a mistake not to take advantage of that chance. If there’s an issue in the relationship, repairing and reconciling is important - but for those relationships that work well, utmost effort should be taken to improve and nurture them even further. If one doesn't take advantage of the fertile farmland they have, it's like missing out on endless potential; like going without sowing and reaping. Buying food from a supermarket is an alternative as illustrated, but such a route denies successive crops and relative gain to be enjoyed. Having siblings is an incredibly precious and rewarding experience, reminding us that life is both fleeting and valuable. After all, time is limited, so it's important not to take mistakenly it for granted.
See also: https://mygodsentangels.com/