Loving you always, I want you to be aware of just how special you are. Though we often feel empty and alone amidst large amounts of people, we must remember that we are indeed loved. Generation Z often have a sense that nobody comprehends who they are or what they stand for. Despite usually being surrounded by other people, 68 percent of this generational group often feel isolated and unrecognized. On average, Americans have just one close friend and sadly, one out of every four feel like they're lacking in companionship altogether. Loneliness is often regarded as being equally detrimental to our health, if not more so than obesity. We may feel our years slip away from us, yet we often ignore this need for companionship and shared memories, especially following a break-up. Despite this, human connection remains vital. I can understand that you want to be alone with your heartache, but we mustn't give up. Keeping these connections is the key to our happiness, and the only way for us to cope and thrive. Breakups can lead to violent outbursts, substance abuse, and troubling emotional and mental health issues. Feeling distressed or disappointed in the loss of a romantic relationship is incredibly common; however, if such feelings are unresolved they can result in uncontrollable emotional distress-and often accompany with violence and addiction.
Staying connected and keeping relationships strong even through separations can be difficult, but there are a few things you can do to avoid letting breakups break you. I'm proud of being a psychotherapist, but I'm also an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) and a self-declared category four dyslexic; the two labels that perfectly define my lifestyle as mom of two adorable cutie pies of kids. I may be wearing a Star Trek outfit, but I do not feel the same level of comfort here that I would if I were Britney Spears. Due to my dyslexia, things tend to get jumbled up in my mind and come out of my mouth in an unclear manner. However, I still feel the strong urge to honor the calls of people due to the current epidemic of loneliness. No one should be alone at this time; we must take action in order to make real changes. By now, I’m all too familiar with loneliness; the concept and I have become like close friends, and it seems like forever since I've heard anyone too. This experience of disconnect often follows struggling with inevitable heartbreak. And while I take my work seriously, I want to make this journey more enjoyable by having a bit of fun with it, especially since my audience of readers is here. Let's lighten things up and make the experience easier for us to digest.
You may feel like your world has been completely turned upside-down: it can be as if a semi truck has come and gone through you twice, making you feel an array of physical sensations in places you didn't know existed. Hiding underneath your sheets may seem worth considering. My clients express their inner struggle through physical symptoms, like a tummy ache at their core, twitching eye and the difficulty to observe what's going on. Even if it doesn't align with your experience, understand that trauma can still live inside of our bodies on a cellular level. Every time you swipe your fingers away and look at your phones, feelings of being insignificant strike like yet another reminder that "love" won’t find you or that you simply can't commit, leaving rot on the outside shells of your future dreams which glow brighter as unhatched eggs. No matter what your friends try to tell you, remember that your ex does not define who you are and no gender is better than the other. To make yourself feel better, plan an outing for drinks with friends for emotional support and gratitude – such as a post of memes recognizing how strong you have been through this.
The challenge we face is that our culture does not possess ceremonies or practices to help us through mourning our love and heartbreak. Even though our friends may want to support us, this lack of knowledge on mourning can sometimes make it difficult for them to understand. You're used to the passionate high of being in love, but without the chemical oxytocin, you find yourself trying to pick up logic where you left off. The withdrawal of this love hormone has taken its toll, making you feel like nobody's there to help and causing your thoughts to spiral out of control. I understand that you're feeling overwhelmed and like you're in an out-of-body experience due to cortisol hormones flooding your brain. This is something that I relate to as this is how I experience even being on stage. Your brain is actively looking for ways to make you feel good and fulfilled. While shopping or consuming alcohol among treats may appear to be rewarding in the moment, this is not a sustainable or healthy lifestyle in the long run.
Our minds can quickly expand and grow fear, similar to how a Chia Pet multiplies: a single drop triggers it to transform into a towering ladder of dread. Our fear-based thinking was a great asset during the hunter-gatherer days; when we needed protection from buffalo stampedes, locust invasions, etc. However, we have since evolved physically and this kind of reflexive reaction is no longer mentally necessary. We seem to constantly be stuck in a state where fear is more easily accepted than feeling confident about our physical appearance, but what can we do about this? Are we just meant to put up with the idea that how 'sexy' we look in a loincloth is less significant than when fear dominates our minds? Take control of what is within your power. Start with looking after your body by eating healthy, getting sufficient sleep, drinking plenty of fluids and taking mindful breaths. Make a conscious effort to be present in the here and now by using all five senses at once. Start your day with a morning walk and music to find your inner diva, or whatever it is you can call it. It'll get your broken heart pumping, so let's make some healthy rituals for ourselves! Try not to indulge in high intensity cookie eating as that isn't considered exercise. When I was younger, I was asked to be part of a TV pilot for a show that discussed social issues. Now, this may sound bad already but the experience of being in the hot tub for so long was truly terrible. To add insult to injury, they wanted me to perform some sounds and tongue rolls - something I'd never done before! It left me feeling embarrassed and overwhelmed by the whole situation but it made me realize how much you actually use your tongue until you've had to do something completely different with it. Don't feel bad for feeling sorry for yourself after a breakup. There's no shame in being human and tears release stress hormones which can help you through pain. Though, when it gets too much, have a little pity party in the hot tub - but don't forget to get out eventually and start functioning again!
Mourning a lost love is so cruel. Just one minute we're sharing our intimately (sharing secrets, trusting and being open with one another), and then in the next instant, we become strangers. That's just devastating. Sadness, numbness, anger, and relief all come wave after wave, each speeding towards you with tremendous force. You move with them as best you can, feeling their effects as they pass. Mourning the relationship you had, or who they were, or the history you shared; as well as grieving over the future you hoped to share with them and how this will affect others - all these may be outcomes achieved once a relationship comes to an end. Letting go can be difficult. Nostalgia can be two-faced - painting forgeries of the past; making our memories like propaganda. But do we really question ourselves? What if I had changed or we tried a bit harder? Is there anything worth hanging onto in the end? Mourning the loss of something you love is a messy feeling. But by going through the process, acceptance can be reached. Knowing this, it doesn't mean that you approve or like what is; rather it is simply coming to terms with reality and all it entails. Mourning is personal and it comes with no timetable; it can be overwhelming, so feeling all of your emotions should never be stopped. If you do feel a reproachful side nibbling at everyone around you, suppress it down. Such impacts as at hand could compound if inertly strapped beneath irrepressible wrath.
Create a counter-attack to nostalgia by writing down all the reasons the relationship is not working and give it to your friends. Review often, playing out the full unfulfilling movie, not just focusing on the highlights. With recovery as your fortress, firmly build some walls surrounding yourself and your ex. Don't be tempted to creep online and look out of curiosity at any photos of him with another woman. You don't want to risk being wrapped back in the cocoon - even if it was his cousin after all! If you're looking for a way to mark a change in your life, why not try experimenting with rituals inspired by Burning Man? Gather all of the things that were left behind by others at your place and which couldn't be sold on sites like Bernie or Craigslist. Invite some friends over, build a bonfire, and burn it all together as part of your ritual. We may not all be pyromaniacs, but we should still take full advantage of a group emotional experience – something similar to what we're already feeling here. Don't underestimate how powerful this situation can be! I know it's not physically due to the sheets, but symbolically there is meaning to be found; when it comes to a new relationship getting new bed sheets can represent something much deeper. My friend even has a mantra for it - "New relationship, new bed sheets!" Don't let fear dictate what you do; it's an awful guide. Our brain seems to have an instinct when it comes to optimism: instead of embracing hope, it looks for reasons why something might fail. Don't let this skepticism prevail; try to remain hopeful despite fear! Try to give it a chance to stick: visualize it, feel it, and even smell it. Allow the possibility for these senses to tap into your experience and form an emotional connection that is tangible.
The best approach to recovering from a broken heart is, according to Dolly Parton, to get another lover – “to get under another.” I've always been moved by these words! Recent research from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships has revealed that engaging in a rebound relationship can help individuals to quickly restore their personal wellbeing. So it appears, not only does an emotional rebound have positive psychological effects - there is actually science to support it. Cupid is known to strike without warning, and it’s hard to know what will create a enduring love or even a one-night stand. However, be cautious: such trysts might have the potential to break hearts. You should always enter any intimate connection prepared for a possible ghosting. Being social may seem like too much effort at times, but fight the urge to retreat into that slumbering cocoon. Silently seal up the thoughts with some kind of mental duct tape and you can still be social despite how difficult it may turn out to be! If you feel like a burden to your friends, don't assume - ask them. Through this course of communication and allowing yourself to be vulnerable in the process, relationships become closer while offering solace and comfort in the midst of darkness. This could be the light which shines through any heartache or difficult situation. It's understandable if you're hoping that your ex will understand your current situation, but remember that you're no longer together because your previous understanding was lacking. So instead of returning to them, find somebody who will appreciate you and help satisfy the deeper healing needs that your past relationships may have triggered. Guilt and regret can often be paralyzing forces in our lives, but it's likely that someone else with the same background going through the same situation would have made similar decisions. You cannot predict exactly how you will feel about it over time, though. Self-compassion isn't something that you can take once and forget; it's a lifelong practice. So, make sure to remember this important mantra and incorporate it into your daily life. At the end of the day, everyone is just moving forward in their own way; even renowned face of society like the royal family is no exception. We all share the commonality that we are evolving.
Many of us view relationships as a success or failure depending on the length: that if it doesn't go to the grave, it may be deemed a "failed relationship". Let's reframe this idea though and instead think of these experiences as “completed” relationships. Puberty, pimples and periods: some of us may be thrilled to see the expiration date on these! However, if we take a closer look at endings they aren't necessarily negative. In fact, bidding farewell can bring relief from dysphoria. Heartbreaks are part and parcel of life all in all; they come with the experience of living. Even though we may be hurting from an experience of pain and loss, heartbreak is an unavoidable reality that should not be feared but simply accepted as a natural part of being alive. I hadn't planned for my relationship with him to last past our first date, so typical of many of us - I had recently shifted to San Francisco and was feeling a little lonely; my weakness being extremely attractive, intelligent guys who have thick, luxurious-looking hair. Okay, back on track! Five years later, I'd become a mere shadow of who I'd been before. Insecurity crippled me, making even the simplest choices overwhelming. Though I was once an enthusiastic and carefree character, my joy had been greatly diminished. I wasn't up to his standards, no matter what I did. He began imposing his opinions on me and this impacted the way I saw myself eventually: he judged me for being too thin, for not being "normal", and seemingly never satisfied with whatever I did. Growing up in a homophobic era with a closeted, lesbian mother, and facing challenges brought on by my dyslexia, I threw myself into therapy. I noticed a pattern emerge: it felt like I kept being silent and noticed only for my appearance instead of my thoughts and speeches. Seeing my role as a passive accomplice in the relationship, I wanted to find my voice to leave and no longer be someone's definition of normal; or even worse, a trophy wife. Praise the fact that normal doesn't even exist; hallelujah! I regret having wasted the liberties of my 20s with him, and I wish I had ended our relationship sooner. If only I could have punched myself for not doing this - it would have opened my eyes to our ordeal together.
I'm constantly reminding myself of all the gifts that I've gained from being in the relationship. Most notably, he helped me realize my capability and find strength within that allowed my brain to work better. I always thought I wasn't very smart due to my then undiagnosed dyslexia. However, the mentor of my boyfriend had a different perspective on me and saw how bright I really was. This realization began to heal the hurt inside me, which initiated a ripple effect of changes in my life. My rebellious younger days were somewhat manageable, as I recall - despite being wild and wearing wigs, and making late-night escapades around town. I'd usually spend mornings watching the sunrise at a fun spot like Birdie Man. No wonder I'm now feeling guilty to my Mom for revealing all of this! We both parted ways with parting gifts, and I'm not sure if I had a relaxing effect on him; however, I do know that through me he discovered his life's passion – photography! This relationship was by far the most unhealthy one I've ever experienced, and yet it was the one from which I gained the most important lessons. In this darkness, I'm evolving into who I'm meant to be. Nonetheless, I was taken aback when selected for a speech; questioning if someone had bribed the committee responsible. Moreover, through this opportunity a blind spot in my life was exposed – that being my relationship insecurities. When your heart is hurting and doubt creeps in, reminding yourself of all the ways you have grown through the pain can bring strength and joy to your soul. Keep track of the (metaphorical) gifts life has given you; things that will not easily be taken away from you. We dream of a world where none of us doubt the bright flame of our love, understanding heartbreaking moments in life as part and parcel of growth. Instead, we stand with each other through friendship, affirming every single shift we undergo in our relationships and journey. Thank you for indulging me to imagine such an uplifting life!
See also: https://mygodsentangels.com/