Supposedly, I was to perish in the present instance; however, that has not come to fruition. At least the statistical data and what I heard point in this direction: I'm lead to believe that the current approach is meeting expectations. A fateful day took place two years ago, at Karolinska Hospital; it changed my life for eternity. Specifically, I remember being seated in the doctor's office when this alteration transpired. Such an invaluable moment occurred only minutes away from where I am now.
At that time, I was really enthused about pursuing my goals: starting a family, flourishing with my role where I worked in health and fitness, launching a sideline business. Everything combined made living the life that I desired truly rewarding. After a long time of struggle, things were starting to feel more promising; life was finally making progress. I was engaged in coaching group training for a minimum of 10 hours every week, including late nights and early morning sessions. Apart from this, I also visited the gym daily to keep up with my own personal workout program. My life was accelerated and I didn't desire to reduce speed or lose momentum. No contemplation of stopping; I continued going at full throttle. I experienced an immense drive and intensity, making me feel incredibly well – both physically and emotionally. I experienced a feeling of invulnerability - which made me feel as if nothing could stand in my way. I experienced a sensation easily described as immortality; my feelings intense and almost unparalleled in richness. Never before had I encountered something as unchanged transformed and yet equally so powerful.
At first, I had expected that things would work out differently than how it did in reality. Altogether, I was taken by surprise when life rolled out its intended paths for me. I was living an enjoyable life; however, it became obvious I was almost never present in the moment. Despite this, my life felt fulfilling anyway. I was constantly busy, always pushing myself to do more, attain higher goals and stay on top of things. Planning ahead was a daily routine. This inquisitive spirit often left me feeling harried. I always aspired to reach more, seeking fulfillment from achievements and placing a great deal of self-value into them. No matter what area in my life, I never really felt satisfied with the present circumstances. No matter what, life was an unrelenting race for me - one which I always expected myself to claim victory in. My goal was clear: to outperform every endeavor that I pursued.
But during this delightful time, I just had this displeasing experience of dealing with a persistent cough that had afflicted my life for around one year. I didn’t believe the cough was anything noteworthy since it seemed like I felt fine otherwise. Although, apart from this minor symptom, everything else was good so I just disregarded it. I suspect the cause of my voice impairment may be inflammation of the vocal cords; this could be due to excessive steam during leading group training, encouraging and pushing participants to reach their full potential, or even related asthma-like conditions. My family was very persistent in me getting some help for my worsening cough, which I eventually obliged to. For six months, I underwent a series of tests to uncover the cause of my issue. The examinations presented me with some difficult challenges. A few of the well-known medical examinations out there included PET scans, spirometry and gastroscopy. All these are essential when it comes to determining health conditions as well as diagnostics.
Eventually, I received a letter from the hospital informing me that I had been scheduled for an appointment with a doctor. March 2020 was the month when I finally got clarity regarding my lungs. Knowing what was happening to my respiratory system had seemed impossible. Thankfully, I managed to attain more insight and understand what was going on. I remember this day with crystal clarity as if no time has passed since then. Even after all these years, the memories associated with this day remain vivid and unchanged. Despite being in a cold and bright doctor’s office at Karolinska University Hospital, I felt surprisingly tranquil and secure - a powerful connection to my vigor and wellness. It's difficult to say how serious something could have been. However, considering the circumstances, it could have been quite serious. The doctor and I were the only individuals in the hospital, due to the pandemic, when he unveiled devastating news. He spoke: “We’ve detected a 20 centimeter tumor in your right lung; you must undertake an intensive surgery to remove this and most of your lung itself.”
Time stood still. It was a moment when all activity stopped in its tracks and time seemed to have stopped altogether. Before this moment anything might have been happening, but for a brief time nothing happened that couldn't be measured by clocks and ticking. In that very instant, all had come to a sudden halt - the Earth just felt stillness abound. I had difficulty understanding what he had just said. That's because I was finding it hard to just take it in. Then I was given even more heartbreaking news by the doctor: that I had lung cancer and that it was incurable. Unfortunately, it wasn't something they could do to cure or save my life since the disease had already metastasized to both of my lungs. My doctor informed me that my chances of survival were not good, and could not confirm whether I'd make it through the year. According to their data, my prognosis was grim. I was completely taken aback by the news. The shock I felt was immense. I was almost numb, struggling to take in what was happening and find any sort of response. Breathlessly, my mind wandered. Devastation swept over me as I finally processed my doctor's words. After a period of time, I understood the truth of their message. No matter how much I tried, I was unable to hold back the tears which streamed down my cheeks. The emotion of that moment was so strong that, no matter what I did, I just kept crying harder and harder. My doctor, aiming to alleviate my anxiousness, tried to help me relax; however, I was still having difficulty breathing. It was difficult for me to accept the fact that I had little time on this Earth. Just considering this concept was too hard to bear. I had so much living left to do; this couldn't have been it - all I have achieved. It felt like I was just getting started and yet, here I am. Was this really all there was?
The most difficult task I had to carry out that afternoon was informing my loved ones at home that I had been granted admission into the hospital to get surgery. Despite the urgency of picking up the phone to make this call, it undeniably took a toll on me. On that day, I received a palliative care evaluation, a specialized form of medical treatment to help provide comfort and quality of life for people in their end-of-life stages. Through this type of care, my overall health is monitored with the aim of prolonging life. At 32 years old, I had an excellent physical shape due to the fact that I used to be an elite athlete, and I had never smoked a cigarette in my life. For days, even weeks of uncontrollable sobbing, my days culminating in being unable to leave my bed; yet that was when I made the choice: to finally make a change for myself. I chose to live with more love and light instead of plunging down an uncertain path of despair and death. Fear, no longer my constant companion, made way for courage and hope. And so I decided to embrace this life while there was still time. The decision to embark on the biggest journey of my life was no easy one, but it has been an incredibly challenging and reward year so far. Despite the difficulties I have faced since then, it has undoubtedly been the best year of my life. Above all, I have changed in so many ways, both physically and mentally. These changes have certainly impacted my life as a whole.
From that day on, I started what I call my "healing journey"; targeting my inner self to bring about reconciliation and acceptance. I hit the gym up to five times a week, doing heavy lifting and sticking to an healthy eating plan - avoiding red meat, sugars, processed food, junk food and alcoholic drinks. Vegetables have featured heavily in my diet but I have especially been enjoying bowls of broccoli and zucchini sprinkled with turmeric lately. Through inspiring guidance and my own perseverance, I started to find transformation within. Meditation, spiritual coaching, and an unwavering desire to be successful allowed me to succeed. I shifted my focus from obstacles to potential; namely possibilities. As such, I changed my outlook to consider whatever opportunities might be at hand rather than dwelling on potential hindrances. I discovered strategies to maximize my fears and utilize them as advantageous assets. Making conscious decisions to live my life with intention and awareness, enabled me to be a conscious author of all aspects of it, instead of succumbing to illness.
My bad days had started to improve, becoming good and eventually great. I have come to understand the importance of finding peace within my entire self and accepting what circumstances has been presented. Having a positive outlook in the midst of challenge, I'm embracing my wholeness and simply allowing whatever life brings my way. I've grown to appreciate every minute I am blessed with, learning the importance of being mindful and being thankful. Each day has new gifts and by practicing presence I was able to recognize them more fully. I discovered that it is love within myself that matters most - self-love, not one dependent on success or accomplishments. With no need to prove anything, I learned to completely adore myself. One can really achieve success in life by embracing it and making the most of every opportunity. Living each day with enthusiasm and enthusiasm can bring about strong and lasting results. I discovered that no amount of effort is truly rewarding if one does not have passion for life itself. The biggest misconception people tend to have is that they possess an abundance of time. When, in reality, the one moment we are all given and will continue to be given is only now. Understanding how to land fully in each moment and focus life's energy on it is the real success. No matter the details of our plans, life will always bring its own set of unexpected challenges which no one has any control over. However, although we may not be able to decide how long we live or what hardships come our way, it is within our power to choose how to respond.
Today, it is important to ponder: How do you live your life? What are the values and actions guiding you in your daily activities? Self-reflection will help you gain insight and direction into how to continue living your life to its fullest. If you were informed that you only have a short time left to live, would you make any changes? What are you waiting for upon confirmation? Although we may not know when it is the ideal time to make major life changes, we must acknowledge that there is rarely a "perfect" moment which makes us feel ready. Therefore, rather than searching for the perfect timing, it is important to take action and make necessary changes whenever possible. Full of love, gratitude, and peace: let these values shape the way you live your life! Go and explore new experiences, seek out joy and understanding in every challenge that comes your way. Appreciate those around you who lend a helping hand, and remember the words of wisdom which guide your decisions. Every day, let your children know that you love them. Show them your love in words and actions, no matter how old they may be and may get to be. Be kind to yourself and dare to show some love for you. Believe in your capacity to live the life that you seek, and take strategic steps in turning it into a reality.
For the past 8 months, I have been enrolling in a second phase 1 trial at Karolinska and receiving a cancer vaccine. So far, I have experimented with various chemotherapy treatments but none of them so far were successful. As of today, this is my current course of action for fighting the disease. Even though I'm still diagnosed with incurable lung cancer, I have grown to realize that fear does not have to be part of my journey. Recognizing this has been one of the greatest victories for me. I'm not focused on battling my fears of death; instead I'm actively engulfed in embracing life. Despite the difficulties which life can bring, I am committed to my well-being and existing in it joyously. My strong love of living far surpasses any feeling apprehension or dread when considering mortality. None of us knows how long we have left in life, but I specifically am uncertain what my medical treatment will be from hereon out and for how long it will last. It could be one year; it could be ten years; it could even be fifty years - who knows?
I was supposed to no longer exist, yet here I am, living and breathing. Unbelievable as it may seem, reality is that I'm still completely alive. My heart is thumping furiously with a mixture of anticipation and anticipation, and I find myself standing here in front of you, even with only one of my lungs taking deep breaths. I get to experience all that life has to offer: from laughing, to loving, and thrilling senses. Nothing beats having this extraordinary opportunity! This moment; experiencing it with you; here and now. I'm here, now - privy to this moment with you - taking the opportunity to experience it together. It is important to keep in mind, not on how long we will live; but rather on how we choose to live our lives while we are still here. This can have a lasting impact that outlives us. Don’t waste any more time, not even a single moment. Seize the day and make the most of right now! Now is the time to seize the moment and embrace life. Appreciate this opportunity, go live today!
See also: https://mygodsentangels.com/