Welcome Carrie Otis - stepping onto the stage, our guest for the evening! She promises to dazzle us with her talent and we are thrilled to have her with us. We are delighted to welcome our special guest for the evening, Carrie Otis! Putting together this TED talk has been excruciating, yet I feel so privileged to have the opportunity to share my story with you all here today. Even though I am still a bit nervous, I am confident though that the excitement will take over soon and the speeches would come out great.
Growing up, I was never shown what love really is; something I had to learn for myself. Growing up, I never truly understood the concept of self-love. As a child I was always given love from my parents, yet there was no emphasis on him which made it difficult to grasp how important loving myself truly is. Many could agree that minors are not shown their divine worth and value in most conventional ways. Growing up in San Francisco during 1968, I experienced a challenging and stressful atmosphere within my family home. Almost all of the problems were left unresolved, yet everyone attempted to cope with their difficulty as best as possible. Although undeniably harsh, a lot of grief and sadness surrounded this perplexing time that held more puzzles than answers. For me, Grade School was just as challenging; I had been labelled "dumb", "sluggish" and "daft", without realizing that I simply learnt things in a different way. I was atypical to most children, excelling outside of traditional instruction methods. At the age of sixteen I left everything behind, ran away, and ended up living on the streets of Berkeley. Surrounded by strangers with no idea what to do with my life. I had dropped out of school and had nowhere to go.
Then one evening at a nightclub, a woman approached me and said, "I can see your beauty; would you be interested in walking the runway for my fashion show?” At that point, nobody had highlighted my beauty - so I had no sense of my own worth. My self-esteem was incredibly low, making me unable to comprehend being "beautiful". Veronique and I negotiated a mutually beneficial price for that evening: twenty dollars, much more than I was used to seeing. It soon became apparent that she had been dead serious about her offer. Late October in the afternoon, it started to rain when I bike to the address Veronique had provided - which turned out to be a dodgy bar in Berkeley. In surprise, almost all the clothing I was expecting to wear were pieces of lingerie - something she had not gone on about before. In that moment, two things were birthed; firstly, I had the thought that by leveraging my looks, I had a chance of making some money. Unconventional as it was and with no other plans in sight, there I was with no idea of what to do next. At the age of 16 when I was quite shy and not developed socially, something new was being born inside me – my performer. Even though my self-esteem was too low to actually walk down a runway, I recognized who I truly was and had the courage to become Carrie Otis.
It was not until roughly a month after I initially attempted to find a real agent that my efforts manifested, and when they did, things proceeded at an accelerated pace. I was flown to New York where my looks were deemed "too European". Due to this, I ended up being sent by the same people to Italy and then Paris. Unfortunately, I was told that in this market, my American looks meant I would not be able to succeed there either. I jumped on a plane and embarked on an entirely new journey - arriving in Paris realizing the need for some respite. Arriving in Paris, I drove to luxurious apartment of my new agent, complete with its mahogany doors and vintage elevator. Although the building itself was beautiful, I soon realized that what would await me there would not be so pleasant. For the months to come I had to endure my agent's unwelcome visits every night, where they would wake me up by being right on top of me. My voice was so heavily stifled that I endured for nearly an entire year until I had finally mustered the bravery to accumulate enough courage to exclaim something about it. Umpteen expected, in response, I was promptly sent home.
On an unexpected journey of divine intervention, I was lead to a farm in Northern California full of spiritual midwives, herbalists, and practitioners. It was not an ordinary farm; it was an extraordinary farm and truly amazing at that! Powerhouses, opinionated, strong, restoring: these were the attributes of the women I encountered there. They showed me a type of womanhood that I had not yet known which was empowering and profound. These women took me under their wing and their bodies reminded me of the sacredness of growing babies and nursing them. Buddhism entered my life at this time, providing insight and meaning to answer the questions I had been pondering for some time. This enabled a meaningful dialogue between myself and Buddhism. I wanted to know about suffering, death and rebirth; and the practical applications of Buddhism for dealing with a restless mind restored my own peace of mind. Meditation like the kind I experienced, can be a beneficial tool for promoting an improved mental and physical well-being in individuals. In order to create a more peaceful state of being, meditation allows for one to take some time out by clearing their mind and instead focus on their breath, feeling relaxed and free from external stresses.
I had not anticipated this talk to be as difficult for me to share as it was. However, I am grateful for being able to do so; just as I am also grateful to share the pain with such a sympathetic audience. I actually thought that I could go back out into the world and successfully pursue my interest in modelling - but just on my own terms this time. Even after some ups and downs in my life already, although I was quite naïve, I still decided to join the industry and look for agents who offered a stable platform to excel in. Fortunately, this decision proved beneficial anyway as I achieved tremendous success early on. I told my agent I was exhausted and needed to take a week off, asking them to hold any calls until I returned. After all, a big part of me had burned out and I wanted time to recover. Of course, Hollywood and the modelling business may not be ideal for those who have limited patience, as they are highly demanding industries.
Halfway through my modelling career, I got a phone call with interesting news: We were up for the acting job of working on a movie called Wild Orchid! It was the best break we had gotten so far; or so we thought at the time. Encompassed by a feeling that if I had decided differently, my life would currently be so distinct, I left the retreat and, in retrospect, took with me such an important insight. But still, I did make the decision to take this movie, and so I decided to audition and was given the part. Stepping into this unknown sphere was an experience I had never encountered before. I was taken advantage of, mistreated and played with coercion on a film production. I am sorry, but I had no control over some of my still images being sold to Playboy magazine without my consent. I am just having some difficulties with the flashbacks right now. At the place I imagined would bring me the self-esteem I longed for, it crushed me far beyond what I could handle. Ignoring my better judgment, I accepted a marriage proposal out of desperation, knowing it was probably wrong yet I was otherwise unable to listen to my inner voice because of all that dismay. From a place of darkness, I arrived here to share the remarkable journey I have taken. Initially beginning with experiencing the trauma of being shot, I was then determined to discover a new path filled with light and hope. It may have been an arduous road, yet it was still one that gave me life that had been absent before.
I know this intuitively; a fire within us humans burns, and we want to heal it yet keep it unquenchable. This is certainly true for me as it always has been. I began going to therapy secretly, with the aim of understanding and ultimately coping better with PTSD, which had been affecting me. The PTSD stemmed from a variety of sources, including sexual attacks in Paris from the movie Wild Orchid, an abusive marriage, and a gunshot wound. I realized just how disconnected I was from my body, including my own sexuality. It dawned on me that I had been completely cut off and isolated. Piecing together the broken parts of myself, I worked hard to reclaim my voice. Assembling the scattered fragments like an intricate puzzle, I slowly felt empowered and noticed an increase in self-confidence. My sexuality had become a foundational aspect of my identity and it would take a lot of effort for me to regain a sense of who I was. It was the start of when I came to understand this truth. During that time, despite feeling vulnerable and exposed in therapy, I began to understand that I was my own best friend. By pushing myself to open up, work on myself and remain optimistic regardless of the anxiety I felt, I began to realize how friendship with oneself can be powerful. I would say that on my overall date experience, I have been my best partner. Every need I had believed could only be met by something or someone outside of me, I was able to provide for myself. From this place, I discovered I wanted a special and meaningful connection with someone else: a relationship to share with myself even. At that moment, I was crystal clear on one thing: I would no longer freely give up my standards and beliefs. No more sacrificing what matters most to me. I will remain steadfast in my commitment to never waver my strong voice and integrity. I will never even pretend to experience an orgasm again. I could now access the possibility of going out and starting a relationship, safe in the knowledge that I had my own back fully covered. I recognized I was capable of creating a safe and loving relationship when I committed to building a meaningful connection with myself. It requires me taking responsibility for the parts of my life where I am at, providing for and nurturing myself. With this belief, I can manifest true love for myself and carry it into other relationships.
In spite of all challenges and unforeseen circumstances, astonishingly still and gradually, transformations are still taking place all of the time. Due to collective effort and progress being made, despite all the adversity, there have been successes, making miracles possible, along with our faith in them! A partner presented themselves non-judgmentally, unrestricted and undaunted by my power and voice. In this particular union, I did not have to sacrifice anything like I used to. He showed me an amazing level of courage, even when I was being vulnerable. He shared his own vulnerability with me, demonstrating his strength and bravery. I experienced a moment of sheer bliss in this union, and I was showered with gifts. One of those presents was an earth-shattering, mind-boggling, toe-curling orgasm. Finally, the aftermath of meeting Matthew truly was magical - for before that I had been told for five years that baby having was not an option due to a lack of my periods. Within the first month of our union, I experienced my cycle, and after one year, I welcomed my first daughter into this world. I come from a place of my own journey and have created the amazing life I have today: being a mother to two magical girls and with an incredible husband as my partner.
For each and every one of you, my wish is that you have the courage to appreciate, cultivate and cherish your relationship with yourself. This special love affair with yourself matters deeply, so remember its great worth. From within us we can find a place of love, from which we can invite others to join, and where healing can happen. It all starts with being able to give and receive love from ourselves. It just goes to show you then: that searching through the whole universe will never lead to anyone who can be more deserving of your love and affection than you. You are the most worthy one in this regard, and nobody else can take that place. Love and affection are important to everyone and deserve to be given justly, so take the time to show yourself how much you care. You are no less deserving than anyone else in the entire universe.
See also: https://mygodsentangels.com/