As an addictions therapist, a recovering addict and a parent, I'm now doing a lot of work in the field of recovery, examining addiction, mental health and most importantly focusing on early intervention. In my opinion, the best preventative measure is improving self-esteem - two little words that can make a big difference. Despite being a widely-used term, what exactly constitutes self-esteem? I believe that, essentially, self-esteem is the basis of how I perceive and treat myself, which then influences my behavior. Upon disclosing to people that I am a recovering addict, I often receive the inquiry, "What type of addiction did you have?" I wonder why I would resort to something external in order to improve my emotional state, knowing full well it will damage me in the process? It goes beyond what I have become addicted to; it's about understanding the underlying motivation. My primary point to you is that addiction isn't limited to just one type of drug; rather, there are numerous forms of addiction, with around 15 or 16 being the most common. Outsourcing one's emotional process to something else can lead to negative consequences. At a dinner party, when I'm having a pleasant time and enjoying my drink, it's quite common for someone sitting next to me to inquire about my job. So there's nothing unusual or extraordinary about any of us present or anyone who could be at the gathering. I suggest that you finish your drink before I tell you what I do for a living, as my experience has been that people become very defensive when they hear me say, "I'm an addictions therapist!" Sometimes I hear, "Have you noticed?" followed by "I feel like I've been drinking a lot lately," or perhaps "I'm concerned about my daughter," or even "This has been an exhausting week and I think that's why I'm drinking more than usual." We are very protective about being observed, truly being observed. When you take a tumble while walking down the street, instead of immediately exclaiming "Ow!", your first words may be something along the lines of "Oh, who saw that?" The knowledge of my vulnerability, or what it is like for me to be visible and observed in the world, drives my desire to protect myself, limit your perception of me, and regulate how you view me and approach me. That is to be expected. For those like me, and millions of others, our upbringing or experiences in life can be very daunting and leave us feeling scared and unsure. We may want to escape from our own skin, leaving behind the vulnerability and becoming someone different. You might even wish to act like an upstanding citizen during the time period spanning infancy to six years old.
In any family where there is someone with high needs, it is not necessarily anyone's fault. This person may be feeling depressed, anxious, angry, or simply unhappy; they could even be struggling with a physical ailment. If there's a high-maintenance sibling in the family, the child might observe all of their loved ones devoting lots of energy and resources to taking care of them. Everyone is so concerned about this sibling that it can be overwhelming. The sibling will express, "You know what? I don't plan to demand anything from the family arrangement. I'm going to contribute; I'm going to be a good child. When mum needs assistance, I'll offer to set the table. Furthermore, I'll fetch my brother for supper and let her know that I have already completed my homework." My mum, as always, would express her appreciation for me, asking "Where would I be without you? You're my good girl. I feel validated after all." After arriving at school, I take part in tidy-up time and then I introduce the campus to any new students that may have recently joined us. I would be delighted to do that too." The parents can then take comfort in the fact that their child is well-liked, as they are not involved in any of the school's social divisions.
When I encounter the parents as a therapist, they often tell me that their daughter has been associating with an undesirable group. This usually occurs after the child goes to secondary school. I don't have any faith in the concept of a bad crowd, for the record. I am asking the parents: why do you think your daughter would be comfortable in an environment with people who are going through difficulty? What do you want me to know? Share some details about her family background that might explain why she is at ease when interacting with people who are having difficulties. She plays the role of an emotional support system, providing stability and comfort to those around her; she is strong in difficult situations, always willing to put others before herself with a kind and understanding attitude. Her motto is "Don't worry about me; let's focus on you and how we can help you out." I am willing to bet a lot of money that in the future she will end up with someone who demands a lot of attention. She will express her understanding of herself and the emotions she has towards herself as love. When her gaze falls upon someone across the bar, she can tell immediately that they are going to be high-maintenance. They will insist that she remain in the position of providing care and support, emphasizing that her own needs should not be a concern - "Let me worry about you, don't worry about me." She is likely to be left feeling exhausted, as she has been taught since childhood that taking for oneself is not acceptable and that being a good girl will bring her validation. As a result, she does not really know how to properly look after herself. She was asking if her good behavior would be rewarded with approval: "Will you appreciate me if I am a good girl?" Whenever I try to console you while you're tearful, and it doesn't seem to help, I feel as though I have failed. As your caretaker, it will be my responsibility to make you feel better when I attempt to console you.
One may ponder the reason why I'm discussing this and the explanation is that people who are difficult to please will allure the one who feels compelled to look after them. If you want, you can always have someone else take over the responsibility of sorting out the mess that the other person has created. Having the ability to be a cushion for others and clean up after their mistakes is what enables someone to be an emotional shock absorber. When I encounter those same people in the future, who may have children of their own by then, it can be disheartening to see the lack of respect their children show them. They often ask themselves: "What did I do wrong? Why am I being treated like this after everything I've done for you?" My gaze falls upon them and I cannot help but contemplate: What has caused them to be so drained, exhausted, and why is their love only given under certain conditions? People who suffer from depression or anxiety typically experience feelings of unease and distress that can be difficult to cope with. As a therapist, I would like to explore what your capacity is for both receiving and giving. Do you feel comfortable asking for help when needed? Are you able to set boundaries and say 'no' when necessary? Is there enough self-respect that enables you to take care of yourself first before offering assistance to others? It's important not to give from a place of depletion or scarcity, but rather from a feeling of abundance so that everyone can benefit. I am highly intrigued by the study of addictive behavior, particularly with regards to anxiety and depression. I am passionate about working closely with individuals who experience these issues instead of just taking a diagnosis at face value.
Yes, we collaborate with individuals who may be considering taking medication in addition to other options, however I'm much more interested in getting to know the individual. It's pointless for me to give you advice on how to be a good parent in order to prevent problems. Unless you are feeling secure and confident in yourself, I cannot reveal the information to you. It is important that you have self-respect so that no matter who you communicate with, they will not be able to blame you for delivering the message. If I wanted to find out how someone in the audience was feeling, rather than thinking about it, I might ask them and they might respond with something like "Fine." But I might still be uncertain as to what your feelings are. You'll then respond with "Alright." And once more, I'm still uncertain about your feelings. "What emotions are you actually feeling?" Many people often experience feelings of embarrassment or uneasiness when asked to explain their emotions, leading them to respond with confusion such as "I'm not sure what you're asking me" or "What do you mean by feeling?" Finally, I'm seriously wondering, "Is this really necessary? Can you tell me how you feel?" If you can accurately identify and recognize your emotions, you are in a far better position to take ownership of your actions and conduct yourself with honor and integrity.
The teacher that I was working with in the classroom was understandably excited when this child came around; she craved attention and would always say, "Please, please. I'm so eager to get it, I'll do whatever it takes! I am full of enthusiasm." The teacher implored Mandy to settle down, saying "Oh come on, Mandy, you need to relax." The child responded with a gasp of shame. We discussed this so the child would continue to be very enthusiastic, and then she would start to act out and make other people laugh by taking them hostage. The instructor began intervening by declaring, "She's extremely disruptive." The girl began to express her excitement, uttering "I'm so excited!" All of a sudden, the loud sound of an explosive bang echoed through the room, for she would bang her hand on the desk or against the wall. As we conversed, it occurred to me that she seemed to be expressing her feelings outwardly rather than knowing how to cope with them internally. She appears untrained in dealing with both the highs and lows of emotion, such as elation and depression. We should consider the child and recognize that they need to be taught how to manage their enthusiasm, rather than being classified as troublesome. As parents, we know children often seem to be drawn towards the things they desire, like a heat-seeking missile. Not knowing how many of you have kids, I can say from my own experience as a parent that children are generally very focused when it comes to getting what they desire. The person delivering the item will arrive at the parent's location. In general, a parent will take one of two courses of action: "For the love of all that is sacred, can you just leave me be?" Even though they risk making the child overcome with shame and fear, wondering to themselves, "Did I do something to hurt my parent? What have I done wrong?" Either that or they can just encourage you to do whatever you desire; behavior that expects special treatment.
The next time this parent sets a limit, the child will likely recall that if they push hard enough, they can get what they want. They may even have a mental image of the "button" they think they need to press in order to make it happen. The parents would then declare that their children are a real nightmare. They might even think of themselves as failed parents: "I have lost touch with my offspring and am no longer sure who they are. I feel like I lack the ability to understand them. I do not have dominion over my family." I'm telling you, take a break from keeping such close tabs on your children; they're only demonstrating to you where your shortcomings lie. If you're occupied washing the dishes and feeling a bit overwhelmed, and then someone walks in persistently calling your name, they have strategically decided to do this at that moment as it gives them what they desire. "Alright, if that's what you want to do, then go ahead and jump on the PlayStation. It's up to you; whatever makes you happy." The child would be appeased by their parents in the end: "Yes, I am thrilled to have obtained exactly what I desired!" If you realize that you're getting frustrated and feeling overwhelmed, you can take a moment to recognize it and say, "I'm starting to feel agitated. I think I need to draw the line here and tell them 'no.'" If your child does not understand that you are capable of standing firm in your "no", then they will keep on pressuring and testing your boundaries. When individual children understand that you can stand firm with a rejection, and put in place boundaries which they can test without consequence, then they will respect your choice.
If you can stay in tune with your emotions and not react negatively to a situation, you will be more capable of calmly saying "No" when it's necessary. This way, the child will leave feeling reassured instead of upset while you don't have to worry about why you're so distressed. And then they persistently insist, making you think to yourself, "I must have been very compliant in the past for them to be so persistent now. What is the reason for this happening to me?" I have established a basis for this and I must start to comprehend my conduct in relation to how I am feeling, otherwise I will not understand myself. If this continues, it is likely that I will become resentful of my children and experience an attitude of despair. This can lead to an endless cycle of anticipation and resentment, which has detrimental effects. Suddenly, the husband appears and inquires, "What is causing all this commotion? What is making all of this sound?" You're reassuring him, saying "It's no big deal; don't worry." You can't be serious, she's playing on the PlayStation again? Only the husband would still ask, "What do you mean when you say 'it's nothing'"? You are now left feeling angry and distressed. You are currently engaging in a disagreement with your spouse, leaving you feeling lonely. You may be wondering, "What about me? Why do I always have to take care of everything around here?" As a family grows and matures, the dynamics between them may begin to change ever so slightly. As happened with me when I was growing up, one of the children might start to feel like they are misunderstood or hard to get along with.
Growing up, I was informed that I was hard to deal with and ended up accepting it as true. Deep within me, even before I had reached the age of 13, I felt that if somebody got to know me, they would discover something wrong with me and reject me. This belief was so strong that it shaped the way I viewed myself; no matter how I appeared on the outside, I believed there was something fundamentally flawed about who I was. I was not going to let you shut down under any circumstances. I used to do anything and everything in my life except be myself; because I was worried that if someone got close to me, it would cause pain for everyone. Therefore, I kept busy with activities such as playing, performing, and trying to please people by being rebellious. Upon discovering something more powerful than those habits I had, I felt secure from being vulnerable in your presence. While it's true that I compare myself to you in terms of my emotions and how you look, this ultimately puts me at a disadvantage since I'm unable to perceive any weaknesses of yours if I'm consumed by my own anxiety. If I'm contemplating going out somewhere and experiencing fear, I'm worrying about what to wear and say, feeling uninteresting. As I enter the room, my focus is solely on myself – not paying any attention to other people as I walk in with all these thoughts. I will most likely find somebody who is overly reliant on relationships with others and likewise provides a lot of care for them, so they would continuously ask, "Do you want something to drink? Are you alright?" They are seeking someone like me who they can look after and keep company with, acting as if we were at a social gathering - when in truth, all that really matters is that we provide each other with comfort, avoiding loneliness and insecurity. If I become aware that I'm in a state of self-centered fear, with the underlying belief that there is something wrong with me, I can choose to be kinder and more compassionate to myself. Instead of judging or criticizing my own emotions, I can give myself some reassurance by saying "Mandy, you are loved and supported. It doesn't have to be all about you; why don't you go out and talk to someone? No biggies!" I am no longer held back by fear, so I am open to talking with you and living life without restrictions.
When we are treating addiction, of course the goal is for people to break free from their addictive patterns. However, it's just as important that we help them overcome any self-destructive tendencies so that they can look in the mirror and feel proud of themselves rather than disgusted by what they see. I urge you to take a moment and really study your reflection in the mirror. Gaze at all the lines on your face; they tell a story, each one representing different paths taken throughout life. Appreciate those marks that make up who you are. Stop engaging in self-harming thoughts. No matter where the agony is, no matter what alterations you make, it belongs to you. When you take the time to look in the mirror and truly appreciate yourself, it will help you become your own best friend. By being your own friend, you will be less likely to keep doing things that harm or hurt yourself. In 2006, I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and due to it, I had to stay in bed for almost a year. My mobility was impaired as I couldn't walk, move or use my hands - it felt like everything had been taken away from me. My friend posed the following question and advice, "Have you contemplated utilizing the 12-step program to address this? The AA 12-step fellowship program is essentially centered around the concept of 'surrender to receive assistance.'" Of course, I was absolutely livid! I was lying in bed and reflecting on how no one could comprehend what I was going through. I was captive, with no choice but to listen, and the thought came to me: "Give in to aid. Accept assistance." Take the medicine with appreciation and start broadening your horizons beyond the confined space of suffering you were confined to. Dedicate yourself to each small step in order to make progress.
I have taken a lot of medication over the last decade to treat my condition, and now I am truly amazed at what a miracle it has made of me. I am immensely thankful for the progress I have made in my recovery, and for having the opportunity to express that addiction does not necessarily have to be a recurrent struggle. I believe one of the reasons for why chronic relapsing is an ongoing issue may be due to us searching in the wrong locations. We are examining the item utilized by individuals and attempting to manage it. If addiction is a way for me to transfer my feelings onto something else, removing that would leave me feeling lost and directionless. I'd be constantly moving between one place and another, never knowing which one was the right one for me. This is a condition that tends to recur over time. Unless somebody could teach me how to take care of myself. So, what is the process for achieving that? The remedy for this medical problem couldn't be simpler, actually. When you glance at your reflection, just give yourself a few compliments. If it's tough to speak positively about yourself, try putting up a picture of when you were between six and seven years old in your bathroom. Then, talk to that version of yourself as if they are a friend. Begin a conversation by actually speaking him or her, between your reflections and your childhood photos. Hmm, the morning might feel really strange at first when done this way, but it would most help you to respect yourself anyway. Developing a bond with the vulnerable part of yourself is essential and deserves your full support. Make sure to take time to reflect on what you're thankful for at the end of each day. I have encountered individuals in my life who would do anything to be present here at this time. Each of us is a valuable gift, and if we can keep this in mind as we encounter new people and engage with them, our curiosity will be valued more than any sense of offense. And this is how greatly appreciative I am for this collective pursuit of ours for knowledge over vengeance.
See also: https://mygodsentangels.com/