This past January, I had the privilege of having my article "To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This" published in the New York Times' Modern Love column. This article is based on a psychological study that attempted to manufacture romantic love in the lab, as well as my own personal experience of participating in this experiment during one evening last summer. The process is straightforward: two people who are unknown to each other take turns asking 36 inquires that become more intimate as the questioning goes on. Following this, they will look intently into each other's eyes in silence for a period of four minutes. Below are a few examples of questions. If you were able to have a single new talent or capability tomorrow morning, what would it be? What was the last time you shed tears in the presence of someone else? Have you ever cried all alone then? It is evident that these become increasingly more intimate as they progress. Share with your partner what you appreciate and admire about them; this is a great opportunity to be open and honest, expressing thoughts that you might not normally say to someone you don't know very well. I was initially taken aback when I first encountered this research a few years back, as one particular anecdote stood out to me - the story that two of the people involved had gotten married six months after, sending out wedding invitations to all members of the laboratory. I naturally had my doubts about the prospect of creating romantic love artificially, but still I was drawn in by its allure. When I had the opportunity to experience this research for myself, with someone I was acquainted with yet not particularly close to, I did not anticipate that I would fall in love. We ultimately decided to go through with it, and I was delighted with the end result - so much so that I shared my story by submitting it to the Modern Love column several months later. It is currently August, seven to eight months since this was first published in January. I'm sure some of you are asking yourselves, have we remained together? I have been asked this query multiple times over the course of the last seven months, which might be why you're wondering about it now. Today, I would like to discuss this query. Let's return to the subject later though.
I was feeling very anxious in the run-up to the publication of the article. I had grown accustomed to writing about my own romantic encounters on my blog, due to the fact that I had been working on a book about love stories for the past few years. I assumed that my blog post would only be seen by a couple hundred people, which were mainly my Facebook friends. However, I thought that if my article was published in the New York Times it could generate thousands of views. It was overwhelming to receive so much focus in such an early stage of our relationship. It soon became clear that I was still completely unaware of my article's true reception. The article was published online on a Friday evening, and by the following day of Saturday, there had been already an increase in traffic to my blog. By the end of the weekend, both Today and Good Morning America had contacted me. In a time frame of only one month, the article received more than 8 million views and I was absolutely not ready for this massive amount of attention. Having the courage to be open and honest about your love life can be daunting, yet it is even more shocking when you find out that your story has made international headlines. It can be overwhelming to comprehend that people from all over the world are interested in the details of your new relationship. People would constantly reach out via phone or email over the course of weeks and invariably inquire if we were still an item; this was the first query they posed for us. Even as I was getting ready for this presentation, a search through my email inbox using the words "Are you still together?" revealed several messages instantly. These individuals included students, journalists, and other welcoming people such as this one. I was interviewed on the radio and the interviewer asked me questions. At the talk I gave, a woman called out to me from the audience, asking "Mandy, where's your significant other?" My cheeks flushed pink with embarrassment as a result. I comprehend that this is an aspect of the agreement. By writing about your relationship in an international newspaper, you should anticipate people feeling at ease enquiring about it.
It is just that I was taken aback by the magnitude of the reaction. The 36 questions have become very popular and seem to be everywhere thanks to yours truly. The New York Times released a supplementary article on Valentine's Day that shared the stories of readers who attempted the research for themselves, with mixed results. Upon being inundated with attention, my initial reaction was to shield my own relationship from any possible harm. I declined every invitation for us to go on any kind of media platform together. I declined all invitations to appear on television, and I refused every request for images of the two of us together. I was scared that we would end up unintentionally being seen as symbols of the journey of falling in love, something I didn't feel I was fit for. There was an understanding that folks weren't just curious about whether the study had been successful; they wanted to know if it could truly create a lasting relationship, not just something short-term and fleeting. People desired to know if the research could result in genuine love that would endure. Except I didn't feel qualified to give an answer to this inquiry just yet. I had only been in my relationship for a few months, and I felt that the question being asked was inappropriate. Would understanding if we were still together provide them with any useful information? Would the experience of doing these 36 questions still be valuable, even if the answer was no?
In 1997, Dr. Arthur Aron initially presented his research containing these questions; however, the actual aim was not to generate romantic love. Rather than encouraging physical contact, the researchers sought to create a sense of intimacy and connection amongst college students through Aron's strategy of "steadily building on mutual disclosures in a personal manner." That has a romantic feel and sound to it, doesn't it to you? But the study did prove successful in the end. Evidence suggests that Aron's fast friends protocol can be effectively used to foster trust and intimacy between strangers, as the participants who used it reported feeling closer afterwards. Several subsequent studies have also adopted this approach. It has been employed by members of the police to communicate with members of the community, as well as between individuals who have differing political views. This article made reference to an original narrative of mine that I had attempted last summer, which paired personal inquiries with a period of four minutes in which participants were instructed to make eye contact. Sadly, the story never saw publication. At a small liberal arts college where I was giving a talk some months ago, a student approached me afterwards in a somewhat timid manner and said, "I tried out your experiment but it didn't have the desired outcome." He appeared to be somewhat perplexed by this. I inquired if he had not developed any feelings of love for the individual with whom he did it. He paused for a moment and then said, "Well, I believe she desires to maintain a platonic relationship with me." So I continued inquiring if their relationship had in fact become stronger. "Do you feel as if a strong connection was made between the two of you after completing the research?" He finally gave a nod of agreement. I exclaimed that it had been successful after all! Of course, I don't believe this is the response he was hoping to receive. I don't believe this is the response any of us desire though when it comes to romance.
I initially encountered this research at the age of 29, while I was enduring a particularly difficult separation. I had been in a committed relationship since I turned 20, practically my entire time as an adult, and he was the first person I truly loved. The thought of living without him was daunting and I wasn't sure how to go about it. And that is why I consequently looked to science for an answer to my problems. I looked into all the scientific aspects of romantic love that I could, possibly with a wishful hope that it would protect me from future heartbreak. At the time, I was unaware of this, as I was only doing research for a book that I was writing; however, looking back on this memory now, my ulterior motives were much more evident. I wished that by becoming knowledgeable about romantic love, it would help to prevent me from ever experiencing the same level of loneliness and despair again that I was going through then. All this information has been indeed advantageous in certain regards as a matter of fact. I exhibit greater levels of patience when it comes to matters of the heart. I feel more at ease than ever. I am more empowered to express my needs. I can also gain a better understanding of myself, recognizing that what I desire is sometimes more than what is realistic to request. I'm looking for love to offer me assurance - not only that I am cherished today, and will be tomorrow, but also that the person I adore will always have feelings of affection for me no matter what.
People were perhaps inquiring if there was a guarantee that we were still together when they wanted to know the answer to this. The media suggested that the 36 questions could be a potential way to expedite the process of falling in love. Falling in love can be an exhilarating experience, yet it is also filled with fear. Fortunately, there may exist a means to reduce some of the risk associated with this emotion. This concept is incredibly attractive to many people. When you confess your love for someone, it comes with a great deal of vulnerability. The questions posed here can provide an expedient way to get to know that person, but also offers the opportunity for them to understand and see us in ways we may not have thought possible. Ultimately, this is what many of us seek from love: being understood, seen and accepted. In regards to matters of the heart, we are unfortunately often too willing to accept a simplified version of what love truly is; the version of the story that inquires, "Are you still together?" and is more than satisfied with a yes or no answer. Instead of considering that particular query, let us pose more challenging questions such as: How do you determine who is worthy of your love and affection and who is not? What factors should be taken into consideration when determining whether to stay in a relationship in difficult times, and when it might be best to move on? What strategies can you use to manage the uncertainty that's bound to arise in all relationships, and even more challenging, how do you cope when your partner is experiencing doubt? I'm not sure of the responses to these inquiries, however I consider them to be a significant beginning for having an increasingly reflective discussion about what it implies to care for someone. The condensed version of my relationship story is this: a year ago, I was doing an experiment with someone I knew that was meant to create romantic love and it worked as we fell in love and are still together. I'm so thankful for that!
But even though being in love is as necessary for a lasting relationship as remaining devoted to one another, both aspects of the bond itself still come with their own differences. Being infatuated with someone is the most effortless part. In conclusion, it's not fate that brought us together but rather our mutual decision to love one another. I now feel a bit uncomfortable when I look back at that decision, not due to it being inaccurate, but more so because I had not taken into account everything involved in making the selection. I hadn't realized the number of times we would have to decide whether or not to stay together, and how often I must continue making this decision without assurance that he will always pick me. I wanted it to be a sign of sufficient accomplishment that I asked and responded to 36 queries, and decided to love somebody who was so giving, kind-hearted, and entertaining. Furthermore, I had the opportunity to share my choice with the public in one of the most prominent papers in America. Rather than living out the relationship I had dreamed of, I have transformed it into something that feels like a story too good to be true. What I desire, and maybe even spend my lifetime searching for, is to confirm that the myth is accurate. I am hoping for the kind of satisfying conclusion that is indicated by the title of my article, which was not actually written by me. Having the option to choose to love someone is a scary thing, but that's what comes with loving somebody. The hope that the person will reciprocate your feelings is nerve-wracking; however, it's just a natural part of the deal. I appreciate your gratitude and compassion.
See also: https://mygodsentangels.com/