Today, I invite you to embark upon a journey of discovery into the depths of your very own love life. For the next few minutes, we will travel together and explore what it truly feels like to deeply connect with another person in a way so intimate and beautiful. Close your eyes and let yourself drift back to one of the romantic relationships you have experienced. Take a few seconds to remember the deep connection you shared with them. If it's difficult to recall just one specific partner as you've had several, take a moment to focus on the strongest connection. Your most significant partner was the one who had the greatest impact on you. This individual challenged you, supported you, and encouraged you to reach beyond your perceived limitations. You have developed into a more confident and driven person because of their guidance, wisdom and kindness. The two of you together was the result of something that had happened in the first place: either it may have been attraction, proximity, common friends, similar interests, shared values, or sometimes just a unique bond and chemistry. All it took is that one moment when you both realized that you belonged together and your connection was just right. Are any of you able to indicate that one or more of these factors played out for you? Open your eyes and let me know with a raised show of hands. What if I were to tell you that you are incorrect in your assumptions? That instead of using those particular criteria, there was something else at play when you chose your significant other? Have you ever pondered why you keep choosing people with similar traits, or that you are unable to find the person that adequately fulfils your requirements? We assume our choices in life to be random and dependent on many factors, but could there be unseen forces at play? What if I told you that partner selection is all predetermined and there's a secret formula at work? That no matter who your choose, there has been a pattern set up in advance regarding your choice? In the next few minutes, you can learn about this pattern and specifically how to break it. Using these new found skills, you can gain a better understanding at looking into more complex patterns as well. Let's dive right in and see what we can do - shall we? We'll take a look at the given terms to get started. Time to roll up our metaphorical sleeves and get right to it! Let's jump in and examine the provided clues so that we may be able to uncover something of value.
We all wish to feel content and fulfilled, yet so often we remain in distressing connections that do nothing but bring us pain. We desire to be honored and loving cared for, yet when selecting a partner we frequently settle for those that need the same amount of care and love that we do. We desire a life where we are unfettered, yet in many cases we opt for relationships which prove to be suppressive and restrictive. We seek both loyalty and security in our lives, albeit usually entailing that we make choices in selecting partners who may have exhibited signs of cheating or been proven to have done so. We are beginning to ask ourselves why we are unable to locate individuals who could fulfill the requirements that we have. Despite our efforts, it is becoming more and more difficult to find people that match our needs. We are all struggling with the same problem, and today I'll provide a solution. It's a concern we're collectively trying to grapple with, but I'm confident in my ability to shed some light on the issue. We don't make decisions based on solely on our personal needs, instead we favor the familiar feelings. People are not chosen according to our necessities - they are selected in agreement with what feels natural. You know chaos, it's been a part of your life, yet you still search for joy and happiness. Growing up has meant living with this dichotomy, straddling the line between contentment and discontent. As a child, you played the role of a caretaker for your broken parents. You wanted to be taken care of, yet your situation could not have allowed it. You may yearn for lots of love and affection, but due to your parents frequently neglecting you, you have dangerously become used to such mistreatment. Growing up, you strove to gain the approval of your caregivers instead of leading the free life that had appealed to you; nevertheless, you made it through your entire childhood with this focus.
Love is the definition we learn from our own experience of being cared for by our families and other loved ones. It persists and presents itself to us within the same familiar contexts that shaped our understanding. Jean Piaggi, the renowned psychologist specializing in child development, famously asserted that children live with an egocentric viewpoint – that is to say they believe the world revolves around them and whatever is taking place in it occurs as a result of their actions. I feel devalued and neglected by my parents since they apparently did not seem to prioritize giving me their attention. Having gone through psychological trauma in our childhood due to unmet emotional needs is indeed a major difficulty. Trauma inflicted in childhood can have widespread and long-lasting repercussions, following us far into adulthood. It is not merely a brief episode of our youth, but an enduring emotional effect that enfeebles us for the rest of our lives. Not receiving love in childhood may lead to an adult yearning for love, hoping to acquire it; however, the unhelpful belief system created early on - that they are undeserving and not worthy of love - could cause them to push it away when attained. The professor in The Perks of Being a Wallflower had the perfect response when his student asked why nice people always seem to choose the wrong partners: "We accept the love we think we deserve." Another reason we choose partners who resemble our parents is because of how it is wired into our nervous system. Our neural pathways help embed imprints of the behavior, personalities and relationship dynamics that we were exposed to during childhood; when looking for potential romantic partners, we naturally gravitate towards reproducing what had been familiar to us. Today, there is a plethora of scientific evidence to back up the fact that trauma alters our body. Biologically speaking, trauma can cause a myriad of changes on various levels; physically, psychologically and systemically. Every time that Rose felt neglected by her parents, she experienced substantial anxiety - with tension radiating through her chest and stomach area and her shoulders feeling more rigid than usual. This consistent experience of neglect made Rose feel trapped in the emotion, no longer feeling much security apart from the presence of this unresolved stress. Every time her partner neglects her, she feels like she is back at home with her parents, running after a love that never materializes. Instead of achieving the familial intimate support and commitment which she has been longing for, girl finds herself pursing individuals who refuse to provide those promises of security and acceptance.
Unhealthy love can, at times, feel comfortable and secured when it becomes too familiar to us. However, this welcoming feeling of familiarity should alert us that the relationship is no longer beneficial or healthy. It is also true that if healthy love is too unfamiliar to us due to lack of childhood experience with it, then we will find it very unsafe. Rose had been neglected by her parents for her entire life, leaving her desperate for love and care from the people she was in relationships with. She experienced multiple rejections before realizing that she deserved the attention and affection to which every person is entitled, eventually finding somebody who finally loved Rose. Rose had long desired to find an available partner and she finally did – with whom she was sure could happily comment alongside her. Their incredible luck, that they were ready to commit right away provided the perfect outcome, which should have ensured Rose ultimately led a happy life moving forward. But instead, she realized that his openness to feelings, which felt easy to her, was actually overwhelming. And so consequently, she pushed him away and called him too clingy. We have been faced with years of stored trauma, and it requires conscious healing to free ourselves from its grip. To begin this process we must challenge our understanding of what has been termed "love", and reflect upon what it truly means. If we were raised in a home where our parents were often condescending or overbearingly directive, it can lead us to find partners who are similarly patronizing and constantly attempting to control or police our moral choices. We might come to see this type of restriction as a display of love and acceptance. We would have a deep-seated reaction to an emotionally dismissive partner, as our parents may have always invalidated and dismissed us. Despite this, we may feel strangely at ease and even ascribe love to situations in which we are being rejected or ignored, simply due to past traumas. We may also find ourselves in relationships with broken partners if our previous experiences include having to rescue and caretake for parents who had consistent difficulty. By recognizing caregiving as an act of love, we can strive to understand and help our partners despite the challenges they may bring. If our parents have physically hurt us on numerous occasions, it can make it difficult to differentiate between love and violence. Under the safe roof of our parents, when we have experienced sexual abuse, we have difficulty distinguishing love and sex. We have an obligation to give our partners sex rather than allowing ourselves to freely choose to do so; as a result, we tend to lack any sense of sexual boundaries.
We're talking about trauma that has been inherited over generations, and it's recognized that mending from this requires sincere effort. There needs to be a concerted acknowledgement of this situation to begin the process of healing. When it comes to healing, there's a lot of noise in the world. There are several solutions one can consider, such as therapy, spiritual practices, yoga, mindfulness and more. Finding an appropriate path for each individual is key for successfully restoring their happiness and health. Whenever we talk about healing, there is one place that we often overlook: our relationship itself. No matter the situation, it should never be forgotten or ignored when engaging in the process of recovery and growth. Contrary to popular opinion, I believe relationships can be very beneficial for healing and growth. Through communication, understanding, and mutual respect, the healing process can begin. We have come to view relationships as quite challenging due to a collective trauma. Many of us feel that in order to have 'the one', we must believe in fairy tales and patiently wait for a flawless someone, whereas others among us think that being independent is the only solution and so we avoid any questions of dependency. Relationships can bring wounds, and although it's not instantaneous, the truth of the matter is that the same hurts can heal in their own way within these connections. It won't be an effortless process; it requires toil and many complications, but this healing is still possible! A relationship that evokes feelings of safety encourages us to be authentic and confront our emotional injuries, because it is in intimate relationships that we experience the greatest amount of vulnerability and self-reflection. Consequently, a secure emotional relationship will often lead to exploring previously unexplored traumatic wounds. Do not be afraid to talk about being triggered. It should never need warning, but deserves our attention. From this platform, I want to emphasize that getting triggered is nothing negative or bad; still, it requires awareness and acknowledgment. When we get triggered, it reveals an underlying emotional injury that we instinctively protect ourselves from. This presents us with a chance to address and take steps to heal this wound. A healthy bond will not only make us feel supported, but it will also foster an environment where we can be honest and open about our weaknesses without fear of judgement. Here, we can feel comfortable expressing our true selves with no worries.
Bullying, rejecting and abandonment during our childhood, leave deep emotional scars that continue to influence us in adulthood. But when we trust someone enough to share these difficult memories and the hurt that's resulted from them, even the deepest wounds can begin to heal. For many of my customers and myself, this reality has indeed come to fruition: a direct correlation between hard work, focus and dedication to achieving success. Concentrated effort is required in order to acquire optimal results. For years, I have perpetually suffered from feelings of insecurity and a pervading sense of worthlessness - ever since I was young and felt my parents had not given me the attention or care that I desired. This has extended into my adulthood and continues to shape how I think about myself and the world around me. I presented myself as a confident person, believing that I had everything figured out. Despite this façade, I was really struggling with self-doubt and insecurity caused by different rejections. It was not until I found a safe and loving relationship that those feelings of not being worthy of love began to surface. Every time my partner praised me as pretty, kind, beautiful, or smart - I couldn't accept it; it felt alien. Subconsciously I thought that if I had these qualities then why did everyone abandon me? Thus, I was certain that in a short while my partner would follow the same suit. I kept waiting for rejection, expecting something to go wrong because of my messiest parts that I believed weren't deserving of love. But everything went right, and so instead I started pushing away the love and acceptance I was given due to unfamiliarity in this foreign, yet safe feeling. After pushing and pulling and consistently being chosen, I began to understand what safety feels like in a relationship. And that made a huge difference for me. As I was exploring my feelings of abandonment and insecurity through therapy, I discovered that my partner's actions were also reinforcing what I was learning in therapy: that I am valuable and worthy of being chosen after all. Using the catalyzing effect of my hearing journey, I began to look differently upon myself and experience a newfound security in the world. Lastly, I started to recognize the genuine love that many people had actually been offering me all along. I invite all of you to go out of your comfort zone; to courageously open your heart, be vulnerable and willing to experience the unknown. To make space for things unfamiliar. The reward: everything beautiful will be gained from embracing the unknown that lies beyond what's familiar. Thank you for your willingness!
See also: https://mygodsentangels.com/