Approximately 12 years ago, on the very same campus of Queen's University where this TED Talk is currently being held, I found myself accompanied by a male friend who kindly escorted me home after a night of shared revelry. Upon arriving at my doorstep, he inquired if he could engage in a kiss with me. However, I declined his proposition, expressing my belief that such an action would be ill-advised due to our friendship. Despite my attempt to maintain a lighthearted atmosphere by emitting giggles, he proceeded to kiss me against my wishes. Astonishingly, I refrained from raising my voice, resisting his advances, or physically repelling him. Instead, I maintained composure, endured the encounter, and proceeded to my front door. The subsequent morning, I found myself overwhelmed with tears, grappling with confusion as to why I had failed to assertively reject his actions, vocalize my refusal, call for assistance, or flee as I had always been instructed to do. Consequently, I erroneously believed that the responsibility for the situation lay with me, as if I had erred in some way or possessed some inherent flaw. Approximately eight years ago, during my pursuit of a master's degree, a male supervisor transported both of us to a coffee shop following a shared dinner. However, contrary to our intended destination, he directed us towards a desolate parking lot. Upon our arrival, he made an unwelcome advance by requesting to kiss me, exhibiting an unmistakable expectation for a specific response. Despite my reluctance, I acquiesced, permitting the occurrence to unfold, albeit expressing my consent in a composed manner, as I endeavored to endure the distressing encounter. Eventually, he drove me back to my vehicle, after which I embarked on the journey home, consumed by emotional turmoil, resulting in tears shed throughout the night. Subsequently, the following morning, upon awakening, I experienced physical distress to the point of vomiting. I exhibited a significant deficiency in handling such circumstances, for which I hold myself accountable. Regrettably, I failed to assertively decline participation on this occasion. My actions deviated from the principles I had been taught, thus intensifying my profound sense of personal disgrace. Once again, I found myself at the root of the predicament.
As I proceeded with my work as a psychotherapist specializing in student counseling, a recurring pattern emerged whereby I encountered numerous accounts mirroring my own experiences. Concurrently, the "Me Too" movement gained momentum, permeating campuses and extending beyond. Within the confines of my office, young men and women confided in me, burdened by their own concealed sources of shame. One such tale involved a young woman who found herself in a distressing situation when a male acquaintance confined her to a bathroom and persistently solicited sexual intercourse. Unwilling to engage in such an act, she resorted to offering oral sex as an alternative, mistakenly blaming herself for the occurrence of this unwarranted encounter. Another account involved a young man whose former girlfriend unexpectedly appeared at his apartment following a night of revelry, visibly distressed and despondent. Relentlessly, she demanded sexual intercourse, refusing to leave until her demands were met. Despite his lack of consent, the act eventually transpired, leading to subsequent repercussions as his current girlfriend, upon learning of the incident, terminated their relationship. Overwhelmed by feelings of responsibility, he internalized the belief that he was at fault for this chain of events. As individuals approached me, each one bore their own concealed sense of shame, questioning their lack of assertiveness in uttering a definitive "no," or attributing fault to themselves for eventually acquiescing. We had all been ingrained with the notion that we should take immediate action (run, shout, resist) in such situations. Thus, a perplexing question arose: why were we not adhering to this prescribed behavior? At that moment, all I comprehended was that they were not to blame, and I offered reassurance accordingly. However, I myself remained perplexed, lacking a comprehensive understanding of the underlying dynamics at play. In order to unravel the enigma surrounding the events affecting both the students and myself, a diligent investigation was conducted utilizing the contents of my literary work, "Real Talk About Sex and Consent." During this process, a pivotal revelation was uncovered, shedding light on the circumstances experienced by each individual involved. This discovery proves to be of paramount importance, as it lies at the core of our comprehension of consent. Moreover, the subsequent discussion that follows is of immense significance, necessitating a comprehensive understanding from all parties involved, as it holds the potential to instigate transformative changes within the framework of the "Me Too" movement, thereby shaping the landscape of future endeavors.
Prior to delving further, let us ensure that we establish a shared understanding of the fundamental concept of consent. The current and accurate definition of consent, as recognized within legal frameworks, encompasses the elements of voluntary, enthusiastic, and affirmative agreement. This implies that every individual possesses the cognitive ability to provide consent, rendering considerations such as unsafe age differentials or power dynamics irrelevant. Additionally, it necessitates that all parties involved maintain conscious capacity and refrain from intoxication, while ensuring that each person possesses the requisite capacity to grant consent. In my book, I have incorporated an acronym referred to as "HOT SPICE," wherein each letter represents a distinct element that ought to be included within this fundamental consent. The letter 'H' represents the virtue of honesty, wherein individuals are afforded an opportunity to introspect and evaluate their genuine desires and preferences. The letter "O" represents the concept of ongoing, emphasizing that consent is not limited to a singular moment but rather an ongoing topic of discussion throughout the entirety of a sexual interaction. The letter "T" represents the notion of discourse, signifying that it entails an oral interchange of ideas and information. The letter "S" in this context signifies specificity, which ensures that all individuals possess a clear understanding of the precise actions or conditions to which they are granting or withholding consent. The letter "P" symbolizes the present moment, denoting its occurrence strictly within the immediate timeframe and not preceding the current day or any other designated period. The letter “I” embodies information, especially details on risks that everyone needs to learn should they consent to intercourse. The letter "C" represents the concept of changeability, which stipulates that any individual has the right to withdraw their consent for sexual intimacy at any given time, for any valid reason. It is crucial that sexual activity immediately ceases upon the revocation of consent. Finally, he letter “E” symbolizes wholehearted and unwavering affirmative consent, excluding any indication of hesitancy or retraction.
Now that we have established a common understanding, it is crucial to identify the aspects that are still lacking. Consent is more than simply posing a question and receiving an answer. If it were as simple as that, certain problematic situations depicted in the stories I have recounted might not have arisen. Technically, consent was solicited in those stories, and in several instances, an affirmative response was obtained. However, the mere act of asking and receiving a positive answer does not always guarantee genuine consent. This is due to the fact that not all affirmative responses carry the same weight, as there are instances where "yes" actually means "no." It becomes evident that certain questions should not have been posed in the first place. The concept under scrutiny implies that the act of seeking consent should have been unnecessary from the outset. Let us take a moment to deconstruct this flawed premise, which assumes that consent can be reduced to a mere question followed by an answer. This oversimplified equation fails to consider the intricate functioning of our minds and bodies within real-life circumstances. To gain a deeper understanding of what is overlooked here, we should engage in a process of reverse engineering the traumatic state that arises as a consequence of non-consensual sexual encounters, commonly referred to as sexual assault. Trauma occurs when we experience a profound lack of safety, thereby establishing an intrinsic connection between consent and safety. Consequently, it becomes evident that consent is of paramount importance, as it is intertwined with our well-being and security. The notion of safety permeates every stage of genuine and comprehensive consent. Conversely, when safety is absent, instead of genuine responses and true consent, we are likely to witness survival reactions. These survival responses materialize as instinctual measures aimed at preserving our well-being when we feel endangered. Although we are often instructed to run, fight back, scream for help, or voice our dissent, it is crucial to recognize that survival responses serve to protect us in distinct ways. They are designed to ensure our survival, even if it means refraining from engaging in physical resistance and escalating an already perilous situation that evokes a profound sense of insecurity.
In order to comprehend the correlation between safety and consent, I have devised a concept known as the "Survival House." This metaphor serves to elucidate the functioning of our brains and bodies during moments of consent. Today, we will focus on a specific aspect of this metaphor. As depicted in the diagram, our brains and nervous systems consist of three overarching systems, which collectively form three distinct floors within the Survival House. The uppermost floor represents the social mammal component of our brains and bodies, encompassing the neocortex and the ventral vagal nervous system. Within this floor, we experience a sense of safety, enabling us to engage in group dynamics, employ language and memory, establish effective communication, and foster intimacy. It is crucial that consent occurs on this floor. However, should our sense of safety be compromised, we descend to the floor immediately below. Currently, we find ourselves situated within the older and more emotive segment of the brain known as the limbic system. Specifically, we are engaged in the sympathetic nervous system, which is commonly referred to as the fight-or-flight system. However, it encompasses a range of responses that are frequently overlooked, namely the freeze, appease, tend, and befriend responses. These responses are integral to our survival and often manifest prior to the fight-or-flight response. This is due to the recognition that engaging in combat or attempting to flee may pose heightened risks to our overall safety and survival when we already feel unsafe. The active freeze response entails abstaining from making any definitive decisions until we have assessed the extent of potential harm. This scenario parallels a personal experience I encountered during my time at university when I hesitated to take action alongside a friend. Appeasing others may involve offering something to maintain their contentment and diminish any sense of threat. As an example, I recall a situation where a young woman resorted to offering oral sex in an effort to alleviate fear. Tending and befriending, on the other hand, manifest as endeavors to ensure the safety and happiness of others, even when we ourselves are not experiencing a state of well-being. An instance that exemplifies this occurred when an individual felt cornered by his ex-partner and engaged in sexual activity solely to appease her. In the event that we find ourselves on this second level of emotional response and experience a sense of confinement or helplessness, it is highly probable that we will descend to an even deeper level. This occurs because the pathways leading to the fight-or-flight system become obstructed. If we feel powerless to combat our circumstances or trapped in a situation, our instinctual inclination would be to delve further into a state of helplessness. Consequently, the option of fighting becomes unattainable in the absence of agency, and fleeing becomes impossible when we perceive ourselves as being entrapped.
Here, on the lower level, we find ourselves situated in the most ancient part of our cerebral and physiological evolution. The structures present include the cerebellum, brain stem, and the dorsal vagal complex. This complex represents our body's ultimate defensive mechanism, employed as a final resort to ensure our safety. Consequently, it transmits signals urging passivity, discouraging any action that may provoke the assailant. The primary goal in such circumstances is mere survival, prompting us to dissociate from the situation and navigate through it in an automated manner. This may involve shutting down, hiding, or adopting a lifeless demeanor, akin to playing dead. Remarkably, these were the circumstances that unfolded with my supervisor. Notably, the power dynamic present in our relationship already induced a sense of helplessness. Furthermore, I found myself in a situation where I was both helpless and confined, within the parking lot. As events transpired, I resorted to dissociation as a means of survival, merely enduring the experience without comprehending the potential gravity of non-compliance. Subsequently, it became apparent that my reactions were within the realm of normalcy; however, I had not been adequately prepared to anticipate them. Consequently, I endured years of confusion and shame, much like many other students who encountered similar experiences. To anyone currently viewing this, who resonates with a story or sentiment akin to the aforementioned narratives, I implore you to acknowledge, without hesitation, that you are not to blame. Your body instinctively entered survival mode, making split-second calculations aimed at safeguarding your well-being and survival. Whatever unfolded, regardless of your actions, it is crucial to understand that you bear no fault or responsibility. The aforementioned discourse has unveiled two novel truths regarding the concept of consent. Firstly, it has become apparent that obtaining genuine and comprehensive consent necessitates the verbal articulation of a consent inquiry within a secure environment. Secondly, it has been ascertained that if a consent inquiry is posed verbally in an environment devoid of safety, the response obtained is likely to be a survival reaction, which does not constitute genuine consent. A survival response denotes a state of trauma in which the mind and body experience distress, a profoundly distressing condition that can persist throughout one's life in the absence of appropriate treatment. Consequently, the importance of accurately grasping the notion of consent cannot be overstated. It transpires that ensuring safety is of paramount significance, and it is the responsibility of each individual involved in a consent-oriented situation to actively foster and cultivate a sense of safety amongst one another. Thus, our future endeavors should center around comprehending the characteristics and sensations associated with safety. How can we guarantee a sense of safety within our partnerships? One approach is to consider the elements that engender feelings of security for each person involved, such as mutual respect, kindness, effective communication, integrity, and trust. By collectively constructing and offering these elements, we can establish an atmosphere of safety, even within transient or casual encounters.
In moments of consent, there are four additional dimensions of safety that should be taken into account to foster a sense of security. These dimensions encompass legal, social, emotional, and physical aspects. Each of these dimensions plays a crucial role in maintaining a state of safety within interpersonal interactions. Firstly, legal safety entails ensuring that consent is given willingly, enthusiastically, and with the capacity to make informed decisions. It is essential to prioritize a freely given, affirmative, and mutually desired consent that adheres to legal standards. Secondly, social safety involves creating an environment where partners feel comfortable expressing their desires and limits without the fear of negative consequences. They should feel empowered to say no and assert their boundaries, without the risk of losing important relationships or facing repercussions within their social circles, such as exclusion from friend groups or hindered participation in collaborative projects. Furthermore, emotional safety is vital for partners to trust that their emotional well-being will be respected and valued, irrespective of their consent decisions. They need assurance that their boundaries will be acknowledged, and that kindness and respect will be maintained throughout the interaction, regardless of their response. Lastly, physical safety encompasses the assurance that partners will remain safe, even if they decline any sexual activities. They should feel confident that they can leave the premises and return home securely, regardless of their decision. By considering and addressing these dimensions of safety, individuals can cultivate an environment where consent is valued, boundaries are respected, and all parties involved feel secure in their interactions. Therefore, considering all the aforementioned factors, the equation of consent progresses. Consequently, we encounter the verbal consent inquiry posed within an atmosphere of security encompassing legal, social, emotional, and physical aspects. It is within this context that we are able to obtain an authentic, genuine, and consensual response.
However, there is an additional aspect that necessitates consideration. Human beings are inherently complex. Within each of us, there exists deep evolutionary wiring originating from our hunter-gatherer days. This wiring compels us to seek safety and acceptance within our social groups for survival purposes. Hence, in conjunction with societal influences, biology, and our evolutionary history, we encounter five primary triggers that engender a sense of unsafety. These triggers are the feelings of abandonment, rejection, entrapment, helplessness, and loss of control. They cause us to descend from the pinnacle of consent and safety to the lower levels. As we distance ourselves from the highest level, we leave behind important skills and abilities, making it increasingly difficult to access faculties such as memory and language. Consequently, this significantly affects communication and, at its core, consent. Any factor that influences communication, therefore, also impacts consent. Upon careful examination of each of these triggers, we can begin to unveil aspects that may have initially seemed inconsequential. These triggers are occasionally prevalent in the realm of dating, for instance. When we repeatedly request intimacy, we can render the other person feeling helpless and voiceless, thus triggering unfavorable reactions. Similarly, if we display excessive assertiveness in an attempt to "play the game," we can make the other person feel trapped, perceiving no escape or the refusal to accept "no" as an answer. This, in turn, can activate the lower levels of triggers. Additionally, even a subtle insinuation that a relationship hinges on sexual activity can trigger feelings of abandonment and rejection in the other person. Consequently, this may elicit subconscious survival responses aimed at preserving the relationship. Furthermore, if we proceed too swiftly or hastily bypass intimate stages, we may activate an out-of-control trigger in the other person. In order for genuine consent to be established, each individual must feel a sense of control over the who, what, when, where, why, and how of every aspect of a sexual encounter.
Therefore, the aforementioned discourse culminates in our final equation, encapsulating an updated paradigm characterized by a newfound normalcy. In this context, the paramount requirement is an unequivocal and legally valid manifestation of consent, freely given with a fervent enthusiasm akin to the fervor evoked by piquant spices. Furthermore, this consent must be obtained within an environment that guarantees safety encompassing legal, social, emotional, and physical dimensions. It is imperative that this environment remains devoid of triggers that elicit feelings of abandonment, rejection, entrapment, helplessness, or a loss of control. Only within this framework can we attain an authentic and comprehensive understanding of consent, unmarred by survival-driven responses that fall short of genuine volition. It is erroneous to regard consent as merely an interrogative and affirmatory exchange, as this viewpoint neglects the intrinsic humanity of interpersonal interactions and fails to acknowledge the impact of our cognitive and physiological functioning when we experience a lack of security. Hence, consent constitutes an encompassing milieu fostering the development of trust and safety between individuals, even in the context of ephemeral encounters. Consequently, it is imperative that we approach intimacy holistically, from its inception to its denouement, and prioritize the establishment of safety throughout the entire trajectory. In light of these considerations, it becomes evident that our next course of action should entail mutual education and the dissemination of knowledge regarding genuine and complete consent to both our peers and future generations. Only through an intimate comprehension of the intricacies of our cognitive and physiological workings can we hope to attain a true understanding of consent. By adhering to this endeavor, we may one day reflect upon the "Me Too" movement as an antiquated remnant consigned to history's annals. Therefore, if you are presently witnessing this discourse, you possess the capacity to partake in this transformative change. Commence by engaging in dialogue and disseminating the insights acquired today. Undertake actions that possess the potential to reverberate and engender global change, for this matter is too consequential to be overlooked. I express my gratitude to you for your attention, self-conscious and otherwise.
See also: https://mygodsentangels.com/