The married couple took their seats on my therapy couch, with the husband in a state of uncontrollable weeping and sobbing. The wife sat at the edge of the couch, perplexed and unable to comprehend the extent of her partner's anguish. Several days prior, she became aware that he had come across her text messages which were of an explicit nature, even including graphic images. He confronted her regarding a man mentioned in the messages whom he did not know, to which she explained that she had met him while on a tour but the individual held no significance to her and she had no intention of seeing him again. She asserted that she was not engaging in any sexual activity, but he accused her of infidelity.
For the past 40 years, I have been collaborating with a couple and a sex therapist who specializes in clinical sexology. I have comprehended the script and I possess a high degree of familiarity with the concept of traditional, in-person infidelity. The gentleman appears to believe that he is entitled to satisfy his sexual desires and is seeking a new and exciting experience. It is possible that he has undergone a divorce from his spouse. In a brazen display of his intentions, he positions his secretary over a desk. Subsequently, the gentleman's spouse receives an anonymous phone call that prompts her to question him about the incident. Despite being confronted, he denies any wrongdoing and adopts a defensive stance. Furthermore, he accuses his spouse of being overly suspicious and suggests that she move on from the matter. She endeavors to overcome it. After a few months, she discovered a credit card receipt indicating that her partner had stayed in a hotel room with another individual. Subsequently, she confronted him once more, and he was unable to refute the evidence presented to him.
Upon entering the therapy session, the female individual exhibits signs of betrayal, humiliation, and intense feelings of shame. The male individual, on the other hand, demonstrates a contrite and remorseful demeanor, burdened by overwhelming feelings of guilt. The discussion of infidelity that took place during the therapy session on my couch was distinct from previous conversations. I failed to comprehend it. It seemed as though I needed alternative intervention methods that were not at my disposal. As a therapist, I possess knowledge and expertise in the management of infidelity. The couple arrives and the male partner displays a notable degree of contrition. He acknowledges his wrongdoing and assumes full responsibility for his actions over an extended period. Both individuals must assume responsibility for the affair that was caused; which they had done.
The marriage is broken open as a result of the unfiltered sincerity that accompanies infidelity, leading to an examination of the pre-existing relationship. Thereafter, efforts are made to seek a form of enrichment, which is highly feasible post-affair. The individual in question dismisses the secretary from their personal employment and subsequently engages in sexual intercourse with their spouse for a period of several weeks. During this time, they make efforts to restore a sense of trust in their relationship while simultaneously experiencing significant discomfort in attempting to determine whether to pursue a divorce or to work towards strengthening their partnership. This particular incident of unfaithfulness aroused my inquisitiveness, and I underwent a feeling of emotional disengagement similar to the couples positioned on my sofa. In reality, there existed within me a conventional aspect that questioned the reasons behind the heightened levels of contention and agitation demonstrated by both parties. Ultimately, there have been no instances of physical exchange of bodily fluids, which is commonly associated with conventional sexual activity. I developed an inquisitive disposition.
Ashley Madison is a dating platform founded by Noah Biederman in 2002, in Canada. It has established itself as the largest dating site for individuals who are married or in committed relationships, boasting of 59 million subscribers across 46 different countries. Its tagline "life is short have an affair" is widely recognized. In 2012, they arrived in South Africa, and I expressed my concerns publicly. I articulated that introducing a person with such a dating history to South Africa, where there is a high prevalence of HIV, and where multiple partners contribute to the spread of the virus, may not be a prudent decision. After a few weeks had passed, women began to visit my therapy room. One of these women disclosed to me that she and others were married and content with their marriages, yet were intrigued by the Ashley Madison website. Upon exploring the site, they engaged in cyber texting, cyber chatting, cyber flirting, and even offline sexual encounters with other men. Surprisingly, they experienced greater happiness and satisfaction in their virtual interactions than in their real-life relationships, without any accompanying feelings of guilt.
Upon my observation, I came to realize the emergence of a novel phenomenon, which I have coined as "cyber infidelity." I agreed to utilize Noah Biederman's database and proceeded to commence my work. I have developed a website named "MyCyberSecret.com" and extended an invitation to individuals to share their narratives pertaining to cyber secrecy, cyber concerns, and associated conundrums. Subsequently, I accessed the Internet and proceeded to establish two distinct user accounts; one depicting a male individual who is wedded, and the other portraying a female individual who is unmarried. For a period of two years, I conducted live online sessions during which I administered five distinct surveys into the database of Ashley Madison. I conducted a survey and obtained responses from a total of sixty-two thousand six hundred individuals, out of which twenty thousand and nineteen thirty-nine were females. All the respondents were aged between 18 and 55, predominantly married and identified as heterosexual. The survey was conducted in five different countries, namely South Africa, the United Kingdom, the United States, Canada, and Australia. I had a set of inquiries comprising of five questions that I wished to have elucidated. These queries included: "What constitutes cyber infidelity?" "Can it be classified as a harmless recreational activity rather than an act of infidelity?" "Does it violate the traditional tenets of marriage vows?" "Should we adopt a flexible approach towards it and assimilate it into our real-life relationships?" and "What are the current expectations from our relationships in today's society?"
The term "cyber infidelity" refers to a phenomenon in which two or more individuals who are in a committed relationship engage in a process through digital means. The employment of computer-mediated materials, such as emails, texts, and even Skype, in both synchronous and asynchronous manners, is commonly observed among individuals engaged in extramarital affairs. The clandestine nature of such communication is consistent with the violation of traditional relationship principles, specifically those pertaining to monogamy, fidelity, and commitment, which are widely recognized as integral components of committed partnerships. That was how I was lured into an online environment. Upon reflection of my experiences in seduction, it became apparent that the use of the term "relationship" is redundant. There exists a multitude of distinct forms of relationship, encounters, exchanges, attachments, and connections that are employed to describe the interactions that transpire between individuals in both virtual and physical realms. I became deeply engrossed in this realm, and to my catalog, I included the concept of cyber infidelity. Taking into account the statistic that indicates we spend 22 percent of our time on social media, I have come to the realization that cyber infidelity is emerging as a novel means for establishing connections with others. In a short amount of time, I commenced the exchange of text messages with individuals through the use of emoticons and highly elaborate descriptive language. I have acquired the understanding that my level of popularity is contingent upon my adeptness in demonstrating wit, humor, and dexterity. I was violating my personal ethical principles by interacting with individuals whom I knew to be married. Despite this, I did not experience any sense of guilt and instead found pleasure in these interactions. Furthermore, my self-esteem was positively impacted, and these interactions did not impede my daily routine.
The rationale behind this is that we consistently maintain physical possession of this gadget round the clock, and the mechanism behind its functioning is referred to as the "Triple-A Engine". This engine is not only economically feasible and within reach but also enables anonymity. There existed several platforms from which I could choose at any given time to access a cyber lover or engage in cyber chat. This was feasible whether I was reclining in bed with a partner, performing office work, or standing in a queue. My access to these digital communication channels was convenient and available at any desired time and location. The cost-effectiveness of the experience was derived from the fact that there was no expenditure incurred on attire or dining outside. Furthermore, there was no requirement for formal attire, and the option to remain indoors allowed for the enjoyment of the activity in a comfortable setting. I derived pleasure from the anonymity afforded to me, not only due to my engagement in research, but also owing to the unrestricted freedom of expression that it permitted, an experience hitherto unknown to me. The utilization of technology has facilitated the acquisition of a novel mode of interaction that is intrinsic to virtual conduct, commonly referred to as hyper personal intimacy. The manifestation of this phenomenon can be observed in the following manner: The sequence of events commences with an ostensibly benign conversation occurring within the confines of a media establishment or via a public exchange on either a Twitter or Facebook platform. In a short period of time, I commenced engaging in profoundly intimate interactions within this interactive imaginary world with a stranger, leading to an increased level of intimacy surpassing even that of the person lying next to me. This has become a captivating mode of communication for me. Specifically, the act of engaging in cyber infidelity through hyper-personalized chats with an individual who was previously unknown to me.
Upon careful consideration of one's real-life relationships, it becomes apparent that they are mundane, foreseeable, and akin to domesticated animals that require constant laborious effort. One may become overly familiar with their cohabitant and begin to feel domesticated. However, in the cyber world, individuals tend to be conflict-avoidant and engage in playful, fun activities with a sense of sexiness. I was pondering what motivates individuals to engage in this online realm and what their expectations are of their real-life partners. I was informed that their primary expectation from their partners is to be the closest and most dependable friends. I was astonished to discover that, rather than referring to my lover, partner in bed, or erotic partner, the top expectation on the list was for my partner to be my best friend. In addition, emotional attachment, emotional support, and economic support were ranked as the second, third, and fourth expectations, respectively, for a partner. Subsequently, within the paradoxical nature of the online realm, the expectation of sincerity and reliance was held. Originating from a collective of individuals, there exists a cohort who presently engage in the utilization of an online dating platform specifically designed for individuals who are wedded. Additionally, this group exhibits a demand for the maintenance of their confidentiality.
When I inquired of the married gentlemen as to the reasons behind their registration on a dating platform, they expressed contentment and satisfaction within their current relationships. Notably, they disclosed having developed strong emotional and romantic bonds with their primary partners, while also engaging in sexual and emotional interactions with said partners. Notwithstanding, their purpose for being present was solely for the purpose of engaging in casual sexual encounters, seeking excitement, diversity, and perhaps a certain level of novelty. Furthermore, they were not actively seeking to establish an emotional bond with any potential partners. The woman informed me that she and her partner were experiencing sexual boredom in their primary relationship. I was pleased to hear that she was comfortable discussing such matters openly. She mentioned that they had turned to online platforms to seek out no-strings-attached sexual encounters, without any desire for emotional attachments. This behavior defied the prevailing stereotypes of contemporary women, who are often expected to prioritize emotional connections in their sexual relationships. The woman and her partner were actively seeking out sexual experiences, in addition to the encounters they were already having. In actuality, the female subjects of my research were the most astounding. These individuals are presently operating within an unregulated and ever-changing virtual realm, where they engage in the act of seduction and are themselves subject to seduction. They actively initiate and respond to provocative behavior, thereby deriving enjoyment from their experiences.
Allow me to share a narrative about a woman who deeply impacted me. A 65-year-old woman visited my therapy practice to discuss matters pertaining to her sexual health. She was encouraged by her children to try online dating after the recent passing of her husband. The woman in question embarked upon a novel realm where they engaged in cyber flirting and chatting, particularly with one gentleman whom they found to be quite captivating. This communication took place through the use of digital technology and commenced when the individual was aged 16. The individuals in question had an offline encounter which solidified their physical presence. During this encounter, they engaged in their initial sexual experience. It was disclosed by one party that they were in a state of marriage. In a conventional manner, she experienced an emotional breakdown, displaying anger and proclaiming that she would never again engage with the individual in question. Subsequently, she retreated to her residence and resumed her online activities. Upon reflection, she reached out to him and expressed her desire to persist in the relationship, despite any conflicts with her personal ethics or beliefs.
It is widely recognized that the online environment presents ethical challenges due to its inherent liberal nature. According to statistical data, 76% of women in South Africa disconnect from the internet within a timeframe ranging from one to five days after their initial online chat. These individuals engage in online interactions for a duration of three months, after which they subsequently reconnect. It is notable that such individuals do not harbor any belief in potential ramifications resulting from their actions, such as divorce or sexually transmitted infections. Their primary concern appears to be the development of romantic attachment towards their cyber acquaintances. A substantial majority of individuals in committed relationships refer to their partners as "their men." Interestingly, approximately 58% of these men engage in online activities within one to five days prior to meeting for a physical relationship, which may involve swinging, hookups, or developing a friends-with-benefits arrangement. On average, these encounters persist for roughly three months. Some participants report becoming attached to their cyber lover, though they find that online interactions facilitate greater emotional sharing and decreased inhibition relative to their in-person relationships. I inquired of the lady what she and her companions were searching for, to which they responded that they sought gratifying sexual activity. Subsequently, I inquired as to their understanding of what constituted satisfactory sexual activity, and they replied that it involved kissing and cuddling.
At the outset of my research, I formulated a hypothesis that posits the enduring presence of technology in our lives and the inevitable prevalence of cyber infidelity, necessitating our acceptance and adaptation to this phenomenon. However, it was the pain of working with couples experiencing cyber infidelity over the past two and a half years that caused a shift in my hypothesis. The intensity of this pain prompted me to reconsider my initial assumptions. Typically, upon the conclusion of my therapy sessions, I experience a sense of exhilaration and emotional intensity stemming from my efforts to address the psychological distress of my clients. This is the initial occasion in nearly 35 years that I have arrived home while weeping uncontrollably due to the intense sorrow, anguish, and empathy I experienced towards the couples struggling with cyber infidelity. There exist varying degrees of distress associated with cyber infidelity. In addition to the typical sentiments of betrayal, shame, humiliation, and exclusion experienced in cases of infidelity, there is also the added torment of being confronted with visual evidence of one's partner's exchanges with another person, including text messages and images that were believed to be exclusive to the relationship. There exists a discomfort pertaining to sexuality in the woman who shares a bed with you, as she regularly communicates her exhaustion as a reason for avoiding sexual intimacy. However, you have discovered her engaging in online activities that involve a whip, indicative of her strong sexual desires. There is a certain agony associated with the realization that one is not the sole and most extraordinary individual. The realization that the promises of faithfulness, dedication, and exclusivity in a relationship have been irreversibly broken can be a source of distress. It necessitates the creation of new guidelines for the relationship. There is a sense of anguish associated with the realization that trust may prove exceedingly challenging to reestablish due to the omnipresence of handheld devices, which accompany us constantly throughout the day and night.
Currently, my therapy room contains various types of interventions, and our discussions have diversified. Likewise, the current topics of discussion now include privacy, sexuality, and technology. We are developing guidelines for netiquette that facilitate mutual understanding of individual definitions of cyber infidelity and what constitutes crossing the boundaries in both the virtual and real worlds. Our objective is to establish how we can effectively integrate technology into our daily lives. It is recognized that an individual may desire to maintain monogamous relationships while concurrently experiencing affection for multiple individuals. It is understood that there is a desire for sexual faithfulness when engaging in online sexual activities with acquaintances. Additionally, it is acknowledged that there is a longing for lifelong devotion despite engaging in temporary virtual encounters with other individuals. I express my desire for all of you to experience joyous, hyper-personal, and intimate relationships with a playful and sensual aspect in real life. I extend my sincere gratitude to you for desiring all bonds possible.