Six years ago I, Amy Webb, was in a relationship that promised well at first, but ended quite suddenly. I had envisioned this person to be the one that I would eventually marry, so when everything ended, it left me feeling utterly devastated. And yet, my friends, family members and the people I admired gave me pause when I realized that many of them were either divorced or in bad relationships and unhappy. Looking around, it was clear that a lot of them had not found contentment. I found myself wondering, "What is wrong with all of us? We are all intelligent people; yet something must be amiss. Could it be me?" "Go out with everybody," my grandmother advised in between mahjong rounds. "Play the field, stop being so picky; true love will find you when you're least expecting it." I sought advice from family and friends, but nothing seemed to compare to Grandma's sage wisdom.
I'm a numbers and data person. Therefore, it seemed unreasonable to me that one could find true love by "least expecting" it. Such an approach made no mathematical or scientific sense. However, I recognize that this belief may be more common among different backgrounds than my own. Online dating was something that I hadn't tried before, yet a lot of people had been suggesting that it was something I should try. Going through all the data presented on online dating websites seemed much simpler than trying to find somebody in real life. I created a few profiles on two different dating sites, Jdate, geared toward Jewish singles, and Match.com, in order to find my soulmate. The last thing I wanted to do with my busy schedule was take a Cosmo quiz - quite shocking, considering that I'm not the type of woman who enjoys them. However, answering a lot of these questions was something unavoidable. I had put in a lot of effort to make sure my resume was outstanding, and I was proud to include many bullet points on my professional accomplishments. Furthermore, I was able to showcase some other unique qualities of mine like my proficiency in Japanese, as well as my familiarity with web technologies such as CSS and Javascript.
Six years ago, I highly valued my professional identity and, admittedly, crafted a bullet point resume to paste onto my online dating profile. Despite the less than traditional representation of myself, the algorithm-based websites such as Jdate and Match provided me with a plethora of potential matches. We then proceeded on unbelievably unpleasant dates. Steve, an IT professional, seemed quite remarkable online. He declared he was quite tall, around 6 feet in height and strong in build. A foodie who enjoyed cooking and a gadget enthusiast - his skills as an IT manager won him many admirers. But even for an IT manager and avid fan of gadgets, Steve was quite a surprise when we went out: at 6' tall he had a stocky build, and liked ordering expensive food in great quantities. He ordered an array of dishes, the most expensive bottle of wine from the menu and, when the bill was presented to him, he unexpectedly pushed it across the table in my direction. Sometimes, I am more than happy to pay the bill and at other times, splitting the bill with my date is completely fine with me; being a modern woman making decisions like this are totally accepted and encouraged. With a heavy heart, I reluctantly retrieved my credit card after the bill came to an amount equivalent to a month's rent for me - something I had not expected nor ordered. Thus, concluding our time together, I prepared to leave. As I started to walk toward my car, Steve slowly followed and asked if I smoked. Surprised by his question, I replied, "No, I don't". He then proceeded to inquire, "Do you mind if I do?" To which I thought, "Can I even stop him?" He asked me if I wanted a puff as he tugged something out of his pocket- an unusually large joint like no cigarette or cigar, almost resembling a flare! Everyone there was shocked to see him light it up in the middle of the crowd.
No matter how awful the date was, my mom and sister kept telling me the same thing over and over - "Stop complaining! You're being too picky". I couldn't believe it. Each time, I would go home and tell them about my terrible date experience but their response didn't change. I'm going to demonstrate, empirically, the awfulness of these dates; showing them instead of simply telling them. I am following my grandmother's advice to date multiple people until I find true love. However, I'm doing this with certain parameters in place so that I can really least expect to find it. Carrying a giant bag with me and my laptop, I would only meet men at bars which I knew had wi-fi. When the date inevitably went wrong, I was able to empirically show why it was a ridiculous exercise by using an email template in advance which had various data points that I tracked. I had tracked and gathered a great deal of data, including the frequency of his trying to high-five me (which he can if he wishes but not by forcing me to do so) and the misuse of English language. As a result, I was able to draw some correlations. The more times somebody used incorrect language, the higher amount of high-fives I got. Additionally, there seemed to be a correlation between ordering drinks and dishonesty regarding their professional life. Interestingly, Scotch drinkers were more likely to begin talking about kinky subjects right when we sat down than any other group of people.
Algorithms that we use for online dating can seem helpful, but unfortunately they didn't work out for me. Those who I was being matched with weren't necessarily bad people – it just wasn't a good fit. The issue is that we've grown so reliant on these algorithms, instead of trusting our gut. In every culture, matchmakers have been around throughout history, including in my Jewish culture. The matchmakers were checking if the couple would be compatible, if the rabbi approved them and their union, if the community was happy with them being together and if they would have children. When setting up my friends and coworkers, I had my own formula for assessing the situation: would their interests match? Would they get along? Most importantly, what was the likelihood that this arrangement would cause problems for me down the line? Even I weighed these factors before going ahead with any introductions. I went through an intense experience on the worst date ever; I smoked an entire pack of cigarettes and drank a bottle of wine in a short amount of time. To sum it all up, it was quite an eventful night! I drunkenly dialed my sister, informing her that I was done with online dating sites – my final decision on the matter! Remembering Mary Poppins, my sister warned me against what I was about to do. She reminded me of how the kids in the movie had gone through many nannies before making a list and finding the right one. Two children wanted the perfect nanny, so they wrote down all their ideal qualities and needs. Surprisingly, these requests disappeared up the chimney and Mary Poppins magically appeared in answer to the children's wishes. Finding a husband was something I had stopped expecting until Hillary suggested creating my own "Mary Poppins" list. With her recommendation, I realized it was time to stop least expecting and start actively seeking out the right partner for me.
So writing even while drunk, I decided to record all possible thoughts that came to mind. I wrote about height, body hair, types of musicals and whatever else sprung into my head. Each passing idea was duly noted down without judgement or consideration - simply recording them for future inspection. I had 72 mandatory attributes listed after doing an exercise, and it was hard to tell who would fulfill all these criteria. I needed to reorganize the lists of scrawled notes I had, so I could figure out what were the essential requirements in any person I wanted to date from now on. Remembering the people that I had dated and what I liked about them, my own aspects that were important to me, as well as those of my family who mean a lot to me – I came up with a list of weighted scores in order to figure out which ones were my top tier list and secondary list. I had various points on my top-level list, some of them being quite high priority. Specifically, I wanted someone who was Jewish in culture but not so much in religion; and more importantly, one who would be willing to have children with me sometime in the future - all of this perfectly normal desires. I was still very specific about the criteria I was looking for in my second tier list: somebody who enjoyed travel, preferably via backpacking; and someone who weighed 20+ pounds more than me regardless of my weight at any given time. Additionally, they couldn't be overly skinny or fat.
I had my top tier and second tier sorted out; even in my drunken state I still managed to come up with a point-based scoring system. For 700 points, I'd agree to email the guy; 900 - go on a date; and if he exceeded 1500 points - maybe consider a long-term relationship. I'm making a change: from now on, I'm going to date only men who meet certain criteria. So, I won't be seeing everyone anymore. I went back and found Eric1971 on the website, liking his profile and what he had written. I surmised that scoring him against my criteria list showed too many negative points - thus, saving me a potential awful date and having to send out too many emails. I thought I had struck gold when I stumbled upon Jewishdoc57 - he was good looking and mentioned in his profile that he enjoyed traveling (not using cruise ships). So, I put him through my system and the results were above the middle line, confirming that my system worked. Using my own algorithm, I was able to personalize online dating websites, taking into account my individual tastes and needs. This allowed me to use them as databases for myself. If I thought Jewishdoc57 was truly remarkable, then it meant that there was likely others out there who felt the same way - this was one problem for me. SmileyGirl1978 was a short and thin individual who described herself as silly, nice and friendly with a "genuine" sense of humor. So, in my drunken state I decided to take a look - but what I found left me asking questions: who is this person and why can't they spell? While I was initially intrigued by SmileyGirl, my deeper investigation revealed an issue: although all of them appeared and sounded similar, their photos didn't seem to measure up to my 1500 point man's high expectations. This meant that perhaps I wasn't as perfect as he thought. They used aspirational language and sounded like they were really fun to hang out with, while I had my entire resumé posted. I looked at their descriptions to compare the way they presented themselves. Joining JDate had to become a necessity; I knew that in order to do so I had to be fearless. It was time to take a leap and become part of the JDate community as a man. This is no joke, it really happened!
I experimented by creating 10 distinct male profiles all based on the archetype of the perfect point man; filling each character with a multitude of data points such as their favorite foods and personal relationships. For example, one character was in a feud with his sister due to an event during a family vacation in a car. My goal with these 10 men was to understand why the women on dating websites were popular, since the algorithm wasn't helping me. I was familiar with each of these men and they all scored the minimum threshold of points for me to date them, so I could use this opportunity to learn. I looked at their vocabulary and language, length of profiles, senses of humor, how they describe their career, height and weight listings, photos, and the amount of time it took for them to make the first interactions. By doing so I categorized these elements to form a better understanding of each profile. My family always warned me against being too forward: emailing or talking to a guy first might be seen as an aggressive move, they said, and I had to wait for them to reach out. However, I wanted to see if that was true.
I collected both qualitative and quantitative data over the month to study people's language. Qualitatively, I found aspirational words such as "love", "like" and "fun" were all used to describe a building - an unexpected, yet popular sentiment among women. I found something else interesting while studying quantitative data: despite the commonly held belief that people lie about their weight, it appears that more women online are actually rounding down significantly on their height, compared to lying about their weight. Using the data I collected over the month, I created a personalized "super profile" which incorporated what I had learned from observing popular women. With this new information, I was able to successfully "game the system." I created a new profile with different photos - being truthful about my height and weight (5'6" and not a size 2, respectively). The language I used was aspirational and though I mentioned my career, it wasn't the emphasis. To do this, I pared down what was written in my original profile significantly.
Suddenly, I was the most sought-after woman on all of these websites. My inbox was full for the first time ever and men from everywhere wanted to date me. I had a chance to examine each one of them thoroughly through my own framework and algorithm, but even the best among them could only reach 650 points. Once again, my friends and family questioned my sanity asking, "Are you nuts? Everyone desires to be out with you, yet you are still so particular about who to date!" Despite this peer pressure, I immediately liked what I saw in this guy, an arctic baby seal hunter, and he scored 800 points on my system, so I thought it was worth a shot and started chatting with him via email. Baldies really catch my eye and his profession was also intriguing. My data showed me that my grandmother was wrong; it is acceptable to be assertive. So, I kept score and delayed our next encounter by 20-22 hours - even though this waiting period was incredibly difficult. It wasn't until our third conversation that I shared specific information about my career, hobbies, and favorite locations. At the end of our first date, after spending an amazing 14 hours together, I decided that I had not been picky enough and hadn't asked for or demanded what I really wanted. So I scored him again and I realized he had crossed the 1000 point threshold in my book. A year after our first date, we were in Petra, Jordan, and he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. My parents were delighted when we called them with the news. A year later we got married and were blessed with our daughter Petra a year on from that.
I'm delighted to share with you all that I now have a wonderful life; so what does this mean for everyone else? Be brave and don't be discouraged - even if you're single and everyone around you is discouraging you from asking for what you really want, tell them to just "take a hike"! Fearlessness is key, no matter your relationship status. It's ok to be bold and assertive - asking for what you truly desire and having the confidence to demand it. Whether you’re dating or engaging in any other activity, create your own set of data points and a personalized framework. This way, you’ll have a solid basis to explore further opportunities. For qualitative and quantitative analysis, constructing a system enables one to begin gaming. In doing so, the individual can restructure and rephrase the given components while keeping the format intact. By building such a system, they can utilize it to effectively analyze both qualitative and quantitative data in order to gain insights into their operations. I'm really excited to announce "Data, a love story", my new book. It will be available in stores on Jan 31st, so make sure to pre-order your copy now! I want everyone to check it out so I'm asking you to tell others to read it too. Thank you for taking initiative!
See also: https://mygodsentangels.com/