Welcome, everyone! We are all united here with a common goal of playing for Team Mechelen in this match, which will be lasting 18 minutes. I would like to ask that all players remain positive and respectful during the game. Is everyone agreeable to this? Great then! Best of luck, everyone! I didn't choose to become a football referee for the money; after all, I only get paid 20 euros per match. Nevertheless, one year ago I made the decision to pursue this path. I opted to be a referee for two main reasons: firstly to ensure I stay fit and healthy, and secondly to further foster my capacity not to take matters personally. As a referee, you need to stay neutral and not take things personally which can be learned from the environment. In fact, fans don't usually shout encouraging nor positive things but rather "Loser! Are you blind?" Making this clear, some of you might be nodding in agreement as that is so true. I always seem to take the blame and become the "scapegoat", no matter what happens. As a referee, I personally struggle with accepting this unjust treatment; knowing that it is never my fault. Consequently, I wish to learn how to cope with this in order for it not to be taken too personally. When I'm driving slowly and looking for a certain spot, somebody just driving behind me can cause me to feel hunted. Even if they get impatient and begin honking their horn or flashing their headlights, I take it personally; even though I shouldn't. Get what I mean? I also personally take it hard when someone cancels a meeting at the last minute; it leaves me feeling as though I don't matter. It's not only an emotional reaction, but it even impacts me professionally.
I thrive on giving keynote speeches, because I’m able to engage my audience and bring my story to life. Public speaking, like what I'm doing tonight, gives me the opportunity to really shine and share my ideas with others. At the very moment I detect someone isn't paying attention, for instance when gazing at their phone, an intense personal feeling is triggered within me. Please relax, though! Everything is alright tonight. Take out your smartphones, and if you are feeling up to it, even start talking to your neighbor - I wouldn't take any of it personally. Why not? Simply because I'm aware that anything can happen at any given time and place. Great! Are there any others in this room who take things personally sometimes? Tonight I want to share a strategy that I have developed to manage such issues. It is, of course, designed to help not just me but everyone else who might be struggling as well. Are you up to hearing it?
You invited your friend to the movies, but they said they had to work. However, you might get surprised after seeing a photo on social media of them out with some friends that very night! If you've put in a tremendous amount of hard work and effort into crafting a project, but only receive criticism for it - that can be disheartening. Despite your sense of pride and accomplishment in the finished piece, feedback from others can feel like nothing but discouragement. Who among us would take this personally? Raising our hands, many of us come to the realization that when we come home after a difficult experience, sharing it with someone and then being walked away from to watch TV could be devastating. We often find ourselves taking things personally when somebody says or does something, feeling hurt, neglected, offended or betrayed. But who decides that? In reality, it is our ego - claiming this external action is the source of our emotions. In other words - we are the only ones responsible for how we feel. Our ego desires validation and recognition, convincing us that we should never be criticized. It presents the thought of "I'm right!" but falls short - demanding constant self-validation to ensure our beliefs are steadfast is an exhausting pursuit. Do you truly want this exhausting notion of being right? I'm always locked in a battle with external forces, and it saps me of strength when my ego takes control. No matter how much I fight, the fight between me and the world continues all day long. Taking things personally can make life harder than it needs to be. What if instead, power over us was in our control? We can get to experience harmony and connection more fully when we detach from them. Preparing ourselves against the issues that annoy and discourage us allows our energy to transfer into more constructive moments.
I know what you might be thinking: "I will strive to find a balance between being right and being happy." The real question is: do you prefer to prioritize correctness or contentment? To achieve greater contentment, it's essential not to take things personally. Through allowing yourself to remain open-minded and unburdened from personal ownership of the outcomes – both positive and negative - surrounding any particular event or situation, you'll be better equipped to work through life with a more liberating sense of internal well-being. It is time to begin your grand match - one which will teach you no longer to take matters personally. You are on the starting line, excited to embark on this life-changing journey! As referees, we always bring coins for the pre-game toss and these two sided coins can represent strategies to keep from taking things personally. The two sides of the coin stand for heads or tails, signifying endeavor and acceptance: an attempt to step away from personal responses and develop healthier alternative perspectives. Good evening, Sir. You have been chosen to lead this great team; Heads or Tails for your first decision? Your lucky pick is Heads! Ready for your game plan? Onward with the first strategy then!
It's not all about me; this sounds strange, right? Because when I take everything personally, it's easy to feel like everything is my responsibility. However, this may not always be the case. When I see someone on their phone during a presentation, it offends me. All of my hard work and preparation deserve to be respected and I don't want to feel neglected or undervalued. It engenders feelings of self-conservation and is unfortunately a common occurrence. Maybe someone has been expecting an important message, and is just now looking at their smartphone; but in fact, it isn't about me. It may be better to put the situation into perspective and consider their reason why he or she is looking at his or her smartphone. His reaction to the topic of my presentation may not be what I was expecting. It might not be something he is interested in. On the other hand though, he is seemingly intrigued by it and might decide to jot down his observations using his smartphone, a very wise decision! From a mindset of "me" to understanding the importance of "we," I need to redirect my focus. I will not take it personally. Does this scenario sound familiar to you? If I spend time trying to understand the intention of the other person, it creates an opportunity for understanding rather than frustration. No, you shouldn't take it personally when your son becomes emotional and yells "I hate you!" while not wanting to go to bed and throwing himself on the floor kicking and screaming. He's feeling frustrated because all he wants to do is stay up a bit longer, and that's not something I'm able to provide, but this isn't about me, it's about what he needs.
The first strategy to not take things personally is to remind yourself that it has nothing to do with you. Reframing the situation by reminding yourself that reactions and opinions have nothing to do with you and everything to do with the other person can help keep your emotions in check. The driver's intention with tailgating and flashing their lights is likely motivated by a need for speed - it has nothing to do with the person they are doing it to; it's all about them. Only 10,000 out of a whopping 50,000 thoughts our brains create each day are positive – this overwhelmingly leaves 80% filled with negative ones. Can you imagine how difficult it is to keep that percentage in check? When observing two colleagues talking to each other, with their gazes drifting towards you and laughter ensuing afterwards, the idea that they must be admiring your new shoes is not likely to be what's going on. I feel so discouraged when I hear people laughing at and talking about me. It seems like they are gossiping about me which is really disheartening. It takes effort to drive perspective shifts and understand underlying positive intentions, especially when considering laughter around you. Having the discipline to pause and acknowledge "I don't know; maybe this has nothing to do with me," is a critical mental training.
I learned that it's important to not take things personally, which is why I decided to become a referee. Each week, I spend an hour and a half on refereeing as part of each match - this means no matter how difficult the game might be, I train my brain not to form personal judgments or emotions. Before the match, I'm doing both physical and psychological preparation. I am talking to myself in the changing rooms saying "Frederik remember, out there on the field you are sure to experience criticism and resistance to your decisions; however don't let that put you at an disadvantage." I remind myself, "It's not personal, Frederik. They merely have a desire to be correct and to help their team emerge victorious." Therefore, I accept the situation for what it is: an innocent wish for a desired outcome. When I consciously apply this strategy of focusing on the intention of other people rather than taking anything personally, I find myself feeling much more comfortable and at ease on the field. Even if the coach, the players or spectators don't agree with my decisions, it doesn't cause me to lose focus easily. But even this strategy is not perfect though, as there are often words that hit a raw nerve. For example, someone might shout, "You're a loser." or "Choose another hobby! You know what? Go fishing!" Such words can be painful to hear and undermine the strategy's effectiveness. I feel like I may have made the wrong decision and that, at times, makes me believe that I am a loser. Maybe they have a point - it's something I often contemplate.
Yes, there is always two sides to look at: you cannot have one without the other. Every single coin illustrates this perfectly; for whatever the one side shows, the flip side undeniably exists. I make it a point if I could to focus on the moment and not personalize what I heard; however, when this first strategy fails, I have no choice but to reflect on myself and assess the situation. Although I'm new to refereeing, I still experience moments of self-doubt. This is especially so considering my lack of actual prior soccer playing. My insecurity is something I struggle with, ladies and gentlemen. I doubt myself and am trying to come to terms with a part of me that sometimes feels hard to accept. Do you understand where I'm coming from? I find myself questioning why I take it personally when a driver tailgating, who is clearly in a hurry and only doing so out of necessity, flashes their headlights or honks — due to the fact that maybe I'm driving too slow. I am conscious of this trait in myself but I still dislike it greatly. No one should take this phrase - “Ladies and gentlemen, you are an orange” - personally. That is, unless you have a deep emotional connection to being ginger. I, however, am not in that predicament fortunately. When someone pronounces that "Frederik, you are so selfish," it packs a punch; for I do take it personally then, in part because I recognize some accuracy in the observation.
I'm true to myself, though I admit that occasionally, I don't give due consideration to the needs of others. When it hurts to be criticized, it is likely due to something in your past involving your childhood or upbringing. No matter what grade you achieved as a child, second best was never satisfactory. If you earned a 9 out of 10 the response would be, "Why not 10?", evoking the feeling of never being good enough. This really hurts! Recognition is something I deeply long for and yet, when I don't get it, I'm left feeling sad. Only if an incident triggers something of our own vulnerabilities, can we take things personally. So when this happens, it's important to give ourselves some empathy and other people some compassion. "It's not nice when you walk away from listening to me, in the middle of my story, to switch on the TV. It feels like you don't care about what I'm saying." So why not make your feelings known? Speak up and say something! By being sincere and honest about our feelings - instead of accusing or blaming the other person - we can give them a better idea of what is going on inside us, which in turn improves the chances that they will take our needs into consideration. Does this make sense to anyone? One thing to remember is this: it isn't always about me! Consider the other person’s intention. Yet if that doesn't suffice, the second lesson could be - indeed, it is about me.
Ladies and gentlemen, I ask you to please pay attention to these two particular strategies in the coming hours and days. Although I don't mean to be too direct, I would like you to actively engage in these topics so that you can really evaluate their value. Give yourself and others compassion while seeking out this insight and putting it to good use! What a powerful and wonderful thing it would be if we could all learn to practice treating other the way we want to be treated! Utilizing this approach, our relationships could reach new heights and our world could be improved beyond measure. Wouldn't that be great? Do you want to still earn 20 euros simply for learning how not to take things personally? Raise your hands! Who wouldn't?! So, come on, who still wants the 20 euros now?! Tell me why you want these 20 euros now? Because, let's face it, it's still 20 euros! Whatever people may do, attacking, criticizing, ignoring or even trying to walk over you - the value you possess can never be diminished. Be confident in yourself and keep on going!
See also: https://mygodsentangels.com/