Fear is a common emotion during times of grief, a moral which C. S. Lewis poignantly expresses in his best-selling book, "A Grief Observed", which starts with the poignant line: "Nobody ever told me that grief felt so much like fear.” The dread of not being oneself any longer, becoming old without someone beside you, never ending sorrow, and the worry that you cannot recall his tones or funny moments – or even worse, that people won't even remember your loved ones. These constitute a powerful sentiment of fear. Grief can leave one feeling isolated and scared, inciting terror and hampering feelings of security. It can cause intense distress, rendering a person damaged and alone. At the age of 35, on October 27th, 2006 I took a big step - marriage to my great friend Don Shepherd. Joining us together as one was the very best thing that could happen. Four and three quarter years ago, my husband, healthy, active and ever so lovely, left in the morning to head off to work. That same day, he never returned. He had suffered a sudden and massive heart attack, having collapsed onto the floor. No signs of anything wrong, nothing to alert us in time, and no time even for goodbyes - all we had was a surprise disappearance without warning.
In the past 5 years since my husband passed away, I've forged strong relationships with other people who have experienced the same type of loss. It is comforting to find community among others who can relate to and understand your experience. My dear widower friend recently presented me with a stimulating challenge. This prompted me to think and explore new possibilities, exciting my imagination. He uttered, "Kelly, go change the world," to which I responded, "Is that all you want me to do?" Never lacking humor, I replied with a chuckle and said, "I'll definitely tackle that shortly after my customary morning cup of coffee!" "Change the world" is an important thought in my life, which inspired me to adopt the phrase "Change your mind, and change the world". I believe that by altering one's mindset, they are able to make a meaningful and lasting change in their environment. In order for any surrounding concept to be altered, there has to be a shift in perception - the way people recognize and accept an idea.
Grief can be a lonely journey and waiting for it to become contagious can help in acceptance. I am now going to speak the truth of this to encourage others. Losing someone close to you brings out many, well-meaning but perhaps also insensitive, comments from outsiders. Some frequently heard remarks include “Everything happens for a reason” and “It was God’s plan” - remarks which unsurprisingly share the popular sentiment regardless of someone's relationship status. We cannot continue to just accept their remarks just because they don't know what to say. Rather, we should do better by educating them and changing the narrative. In the wise words of Maya Angelou, "When you know better, you do better." Thus, let us take initiative and change this conversation now. The utmost insensitive thing that can possibly be said is, "You need to move on. Get over it! Get on with your life." Here's the truth of it: in terms of dealing with loss, there is absolutely no such thing as simply "moving on". Death and sadness and grief are not easy to cope with, so it's no surprise that people prefer to tell lies like "everything happens for a reason". Of course, this narrative has been taught by society for many years and gives people some degree of comfort which may or may not be true. Centuries of bypassing grief and inconsiderate fears have unfortunately created the phrase: "You need to move on." Grief and fear, looking dauntingly similar, just increase the feeling of being trapped.
Within minutes of my husband's sudden death, the pressure to "move on" began immediately with several questions being thrown at me: "Will you be donating his organs today?", "Would you like cremation or casket?", and additionally, "when can somebody come by your apartment and pick up some of his items?" At my husband's funeral, a stranger shockingly told me to grieve today and find a new man tomorrow. This was something I was previously warned to do as it might help me "let go" and "move past it"; but their words felt inappropriate and too soon to process in that moment. My widowed friend was offered the following deal by one of his relatives: for each photograph of him and his spouse, which is taken down from the nightstand in his bedroom, they would give him 50 dollars. Another widow regularly visited her deceased husband at the cemetery, setting up a lawn chair each time. But one day she found that it was gone - taken away by friends who said, "We thought it would be best if you didn’t go there anymore as we don't think it is good for your health." After the passing of her brother due to a skiing accident, a third friend's priest even told her, "Please move on and let him rest peacefully." The father, who had two sons at the time, was informed by the school principal when he filled out a field trip form that "Your other child has passed away, resulting in you now having just a single son remaining." Real people like my friends here often endure the heartbreaking consequences of being treated without respect and compassion. These true accounts touch our hearts, showing us just how much emotional pain individuals can suffer when they are not shown kindness or acceptance.
Taking away someone's connection to a beloved person who has passed: what signal does this send? That those we've treasured can be easily replaced? That their lives didn't signify something worth cherishing beyond their death? Does this imply the love for our favorite family member or closest company is temporary and disposable? Something within us shifts when we attempt to "move on," away from the one we love who has died. It's almost like we can no longer find joy in life, as if our reason for staying were somehow taken away with them - why stay here if our admiration and feelings of love are no longer accepted? Isolating oneself can lead to your life shrinking away; a process of isolation can ensue in which the individual starts to remain withdrawn from social contexts. Eventually, he or she might "disappear" into their own spiraling experience of seclusion. My friend used to talk about his wife, however he's since grown weary of the situation - being offered money to delete pictures of him and his wife. Refusing any reward for denouncing what was once precious to him, he won't give in anymore. The widow, despite her grieving for her husband, covertly continues to visit the cemetery ever since her beloved lawn chair was taken away. She no longer talks about it not wanting judgment due to her undying love for him. Even the woman with the late brother was instructed by her priest to end her conversation regarding him, hence she adhered and discontinued any attendance of church. However, due to this turning point, her faith has been greatly reduced; which seems ironic if you ask me. The recent heartbreaking statement given to the father ("You only have one son now"), also compelled his remaining six year-old son to ask him surprisingly: "Daddy, if I die like my brother did, does that mean I'm not your son anymore?" Honoring those we love who have passed away is done in many ways, but not by turning away from their memory or the love we once shared. Love is the one thing that will always remain - so much that it stands eternally beyond life and death.
The message we need to promote to create a lasting change in people's minds and consequently, the world, is that there is no such thing as "moving on" or forgetting the hardships of yesterday. Instead, our efforts should focus on healing and embracing these lessons in order to live a meaningful life today. Love is a beautiful thing after all; by showing love and kindness to one another, we inevitably nurture love and become surrounded by more of it in our lives. All good things come from cherishing and expressing our love for each other, and that's the truth! Why, instead of asking someone to stop talking about their lost loved ones, why don't you ask them to tell you more about them? What if instead of attempting to "fix" somebody, we just remained within their anguish, listened to their tales and allowed them to discover their future? By saying goodbye to the words "move on" and diverting our steps to recognize and encounter our hardships, just imagine the courses it could open.
Ethan was diagnosed with developing CHD (congenital heart disease for short) at the 20-week ultrasound; a serious illness largely considered to render his non-viable for birth. But by defying the odds, Ethan actually led a rather robust seven year lifespan with groundbreaking cardiac surgeries that widened medical circles' understanding of this disease. The Ethan M. Lindberg Foundation was created in memory of Ethan by his parents Jessica and Eric out of their everlasting love for him, delivering grants, housing assistance, support services and music therapy to families grappling with CHD. Jessica and Eric chose to never “move on” or “get over” their son, resulting in his life becoming a legacy which has an ongoing and permanent influence on the lives of so many people.
Philip Hernandez was a treasured husband and proud father whose life ended suddenly when he tragically lost it in a cycling accident after he was hit by a car. Phil's wife, Michele, was only 35 when she became a widow unexpectedly, as Phil passed away. The loss and confusion left her feeling alone and in need of help but there was no one that she could turn to for the support she desperately desired. Michele, determined to help others facing widowhood, set up Soaring Spirits International as a non-profit organization. Camp Widow is their most notable initiative; a three day event that seeks to bring together grieving men and women from around the world through workshops and social activities. Michele was advised multiple times to abandon her affections for Phil and move on with her life, yet if she had heeded such advice, her life would not be the same and would remain isolated and desolate. But upon electing to continue on in life and make Phil's legacy live on, Michele has established her foundation, serving more than three million widowed people all around the globe and still helping even more people. What she has set into action is truly remarkable. Today, Michele is married to Michael and though he knows that she still loves Phil, her former partner, the pain of losing him hasn't just gone away. Right beside them stands Michael who is a reminder of her newfound happiness. Michael supports Michele's love for Phil, for it makes her the great woman she is today. In addition, Michael serves as the Camp Widow photographer - actively a part of Michele and Phil's love story. He comprehends fully that kindness and devotion expands the heart, which he witnesses by being near these two special people.
At only seven years of age, Shelby faced the difficult situation in life where her mother, Megan, had passed away due to cystic fibrosis. Mike, Shelby's dad, encountered Sarah at Camp Widow in Tampa, Florida. Sarah attended due to the unfortunate death of her fiancé Drew, who had been killed himself in a helicopter crash. Still, Drew's parents chose to love Drew by loving Sarah, while Megan's parents have decided to demonstrate the same commitment and force of emotion for Meaghan by expressing their fondness for Mike and Shelby. Shelby may not have Sarah as her actual mother, but what makes their relationship especially powerful is that the two still have developed a mother-daughter relationship. They share an incredibly strong bond and she can count on Sarah as a nurturer and support system. Every time Sarah and Shelby are together, they both experience some healing of the heart; this is especially true as Shelby is around the same age Sarah was when she lost her own mother. A giant gift box arrived at the door just two weeks before Christmas, delighting Shelby's family with presents under the Christmas tree from Drew's grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles. Each one was intended for Shelby, Mike and Sarah. The nine-year-old girl, who has never even met Drew but whose life and death is leaving an avalanche of love for her on her living room floor, has opened multiple gifts from his family and is glowing with happiness despite not having enough time on this earth with her own mother. The making of this beautiful picture is the result of multiple people making the same choice, because if even just one had chosen differently, all of their lives would be significantly less full. But by deciding to come together in unison, each person's life grew larger and more robust: in love and a vast number of other ways. The love that Mike and Sarah share for each other is testament to their passion and appreciation for all of the relationships they had before. Love holds no boundaries or limits - it increases, amplifies, multiplies, honoring all loving connections prior to itself. Love grows love.
And as for me, I have found a way to express my forever love for my late husband Don, by speaking at Camp Widow. I was invited in 2013, and since then I have been sharing humorous perspectives on life and loss with other attendees every year. I launched a movement entitled, "Pay It Forward For Don Shepherd Day," which is aimed to inspire people across the globe to express acts of thoughtfulness on his behalf. These gestures of affection are then documented and published onto my blog. Over time, countless individuals have gifted us acts of benevolence, many of them entirely unfamiliar with either my husband or me. Such displays of generosity have gone on for years - helping to shape our community by making it more accommodating and welcoming. I'm telling our story of everlasting love in a book, along with a recounting of my events since then. With me, standing here amongst all of you today, I wish to give an important and meaningful message out to the world. Even though my husband's heart stopped beating back on July 13th, 2011, his memory continues to live on in me every day. It is my own personal mission to make sure he never fades away.
We can create great memories and movements when we keep telling the stories of our lost loved ones. By recalling fond memories and experiences, we are able to continue celebrating their life, even after they have passed away. The power of even one individual can be immense - and it doesn't have to be taken on a grand scale. Every person can be the source of change, tweaking our social messages surrounding grief, love and loss - one person, one mind at a time. This path is how progress happens. It's inevitable - we are all going to die at some point. Thankfully, it's not now so don't panic! Although nothing can be done to avoid dying, we can decide how we discuss death or those who have passed. We have a choice in the language we use when we talk about such matters. When life ends, do you want to be forgotten and have those who loved you brushed away like nothing ever happened or to have them cherish your memories and honor your legacy by leading fulfilling lives filled with joy, purpose and meaning? Is this fair to you; is this reasonable of us to ask for ourselves as well? When the time comes for us to pass on, have we done enough? Will people keep our stories alive and share one another's along with our own? Who will ensure that our stories are heard regardless? Upon wishing with my heart and soul, I pray that when the end of our rugs come respectively, the people we have grown attached to never forget the time they've spent with us; they keep precious memories alive by imparting our unique stories. If we truly move on and accept the loss of loved ones, then one truth remains: they will be gone for good. Letting go of them and their memories may seem difficult, yet it has to be done in order for life to continue forward. Though we may have to part, if we communicate our experiences with each other, if we channel that for constructing a perpetual sustenance of affection, embed edifices interfused by nothing other than mutual understanding- then no one ever undeniably fades away from us. Take my thanks for your sympathy as you give yours for my wisdom!
See also: https://mygodsentangels.com/