Forgiveness is a fundamental tenet that humans have treasured since ancient times. Its rewarding power, still widely acknowledged today for its effectiveness in strengthening relationships, has remained unquestioned for centuries. We are taught about forgiveness from a young age. From our childhood years, we learn the importance of forgiveness and how it can bring positive changes to our lives. If only I received a dollar every time I encouraged my kids, one three years old and the other eight years old, to apologize to each other - then I would be really wealthy! By modeling forgiveness to my children, I am teaching them the importance of seeking out, understanding and honoring forgiveness. Furthermore, the lessons I have applied to myself in terms of learning and absorbing forgiveness are no less important. 20 years ago, I experienced an event that taught me much about forgiveness. Through this journey I would like to share these knowledge with you.
The memories we made in the small town of Augusta, Montana when I was 12 years old and my best friend a couple of years younger stay with me. Even today, they bring back fond recollections and pleasant perspectives. It was so dark, it felt like midnight. As my best friend and I took off running, everything around us was pitch black. On Main Street in our small town, there was a white and red house that was significant to us. Down one dark alleyway led to this residence which just happened to be the home of the lone Deputy Sheriff of Lewis and Clark County. We ran this route hoping to catch him before he moved away. We were running down an alley from my stepfather on this night, aiming to report him to the authorities residing at a large house adorned with red and white. I was born on the Blackfeet Reservation in Montana, and I have endured sexual abuse during my childhood. Unfortunately, I was not the only one subjected to abuse - my best friends would come over for sleepovers as any normal little girl would; however, my stepfather had also molested them. On that night in 2002, something changed. By controlling our own actions, my best friend and I resolved to seek justice. We would not just tell our mother; we were going to the police. We had been violated sexually, but no longer felt powerless; we were determined to speak up and fight back. My stepfather reacted immediately after he discovered what we were doing, leaping from his chair and inexorably chasing us down the length of the driveway.
The entire night had been terrifying, full of sounds of gravel scraped beneath my shoes. I, who had been doubtful about the circumstance, was garbed and noticed confusion in the eyes of the deputy's wife when she opened her back door to find me and another young female by my side. In order for us to progress, we had to explain the situation to her: that we continued to feel chased. She retrieved a cordless phone and told us the only way for our uncertainties to cease: we would have to contact the 911 dispatcher and inform them about our whereabouts. We informed the dispatcher on the telephone that we had come to turn in my stepfather to law enforcement due to his sexual abuse of us. When we were allowed entry, the deputy descended; outfitted in his complete uniform, covered in a gun belt, pepper spray and handcuffs. As a youngster it was unanimous - this individual was an impressive and dedicated police officer always prepared for whatever call that may come - evidently given he still slept in his gear. My friend and I responded to the request from our police to sit together, completing a report form. We filled out the forms with our individual stories. My friend got a surprise when her parents came to take her home; they had arrived without any prior notice! She gave me a big hug and reassured me that everything was going to be fine. Then, she said her goodbyes and went home. When the time arrived to decide my fate, I had to figure out what was going to happen, and hope for the best even.
The deputy made it clear that he had contacted my mom on the phone and she had agreed to provide moral support to my stepfather in this situation. She expressed to him that she wanted nothing more to do with me. My deputy contacted people in the nearby towns of Fairfield and Shoto, who were my immediate family members. Unfortunately, they had no interest in becoming involved in any family issues. He explained to me that what lay ahead was not going to be easy. He said there was now no option left for me – I needed to go to a children shelter in Helena, approximately 85 miles away. At sunrise, when I saw the cruiser pull up to the red and white house seen from afar, my hopes of riding in the front seat dashed as I was put gruffly in the back seat. Although previously victorious, that moment swiftly stripped me of any cordial feelings. My stepfather, on the other hand, was only subjected to community-based sex offender treatment, yet no charges or convictions were laid. There was therefore no need for his name to be placed on the registry as I was the only one in trouble. By riding in the back seat of a police car, I made my way to Helena and stayed at the Children's Shelter there. The Department of Family Services conducted a background check on my dad, who lived in northwestern Montana, before I could leave. It took a few days for them to do so. I felt so ashamed that I pretended nothing ever happened – but eventually my dad came and picked me up to take me home. After being sexually assaulted, it is hard to confront the reality of what I experienced because it makes you feel like nonexistent. I did really well while in school and after graduation I decided to attend college in Alaska. My goal was to become an air traffic controller, but my trauma eventually made itself known in some very unsettling ways before I could make it happen.
The downward spiral I was going through led me to start using drugs and eventually come home - all of this happened before I even knew what mental health treatment was or that it could help me. Prior to the situation, I had never gone through any type of mental health treatment. While I quit doing drugs in 2010 and hopped on a plane to return home to Montana, I traded them for something else: alcohol, which soon took over as my go-to vice. From that point forward, I began drinking heavily and never stopped. I also knew I needed to forgive my mom, despite our tumultuous relationship. However, while we had recently regained contact and continued to fight constantly, I hadn't quite managed that yet. Forgiveness was a lesson I'd been taught all my life, but it still wasn't easy. It was nighttime and I was driving down Highway 93 - the same stretch of road everyone here will eventually go on to travel. The windows were down, the wind whipping my hair around its strands and something loud blaring from my car speakers – taking full advantage of my carefree trip back home to Montana.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm being apprehended in the state of Montana for driving under the influence (DUI). All individuals that are held accountable for such an act require a chemical dependency evaluation as well. This comprises of a series of liaisons with mental health experts to decide on the level of treatment desired or suggested. After assessing my mental state, it was determined that inpatient treatment was the best option for me. A few weeks later, I found myself checking into the Montana Chemical Dependency Center in Butte, Montana. At the Montana Chemical Dependency Center, I learned about various methods for effectively managing trauma. Emotional regulation, self-care, and coping skills were all topics that I acquired information on. Learning these helpful strategies was essential to restoring balance in my life. This was an incredibly new experience for me; I had never before been able to talk with a mental health care professional. It felt overwhelming, but so valuable to be heard as I shared my story. I told my counselor my story and I remember her response: "Tara, this is going to sound harsh, however the relationship you desire with your mom is unhealthy." My counsellor told me something I didn't initially want to believe - that my mom should no longer be a part of my life. Despite not wanting to think is was true, as it was about my mom, I eventually accepted the truth of her statement.
My counselor advised me against it but I decided to go ahead with my plan of visiting my mom at the same home in Augusta where she and her husband reside. As I stepped into her house, I was startled to find that a 12 year old child was having a sleepover there which made me feel uncomfortable. I got angered and made up my mind that instead of staying silent, I'd use my voice to bring awareness to the world. So, I went back home and decided I was going to take action. I decided to utilize the strength of what social media could offer by making a video and sharing my story with others through it. So, I sat down in front of my laptop and started recording what I'm now expressing to you today. With the power of forgiveness guiding me, I uploaded my video onto the Internet. Everyone instantly took notice and soon enough I was sharing my story at schools and prisons across the world. The response to my video was immediate - all thanks to the understanding of forgiveness that guided me.
Forgiveness, I learned during treatment, does not equal condoning or revisiting; rather, the idea of forgiveness stretches further beyond what one may initially perceive. In fact, there is no one singular definition for forgiveness per se. Forgiveness comes in many types and understanding these forms of forgiveness can give a victim power. Full forgiveness, or exoneration, is the highest level of forgiveness one can bestow on another. It is a way to show complete understanding and willingness to free someone from guilt or blame. Full forgiveness can be aspirational as it is beneficial to overall health. Working towards that goal may help support powerful spiritual, mental, and emotional wellbeing. It's not always easy to forgive though, particularly in cases of childhood sexual abuse or any type of sexual assault. So don't assume that a victim will forgive readily. Remember that it takes courage and strength to be able to move on in such an event and forgiveness should not be expected from everyone. Forgiveness, in the form of conditional or forbearance, is the second type of forgiveness which can be offered. If this option is chosen, it means offering someone an opportunity to redeem themselves for something which has happened rather than forgiving them outright. Conditional forgiveness means that, while the relationship is important to the victim, they agree to move forward without feelings of vengeance or resentment. In other words, it places the relationship on probation. Conditional forgiveness is a beautiful thing. Over time, the trust that was lost can be regained, potentially resulting in full forgiveness. It is incredible and it gives us hope for healing relationships that have been weaker in the past. Forgiveness in the third form, termed false forgiveness, is actually quite unhealthy, as I experienced while interacting with my mom. I had convinced myself that I had forgiven her, yet deep down in my heart I still harbored intense feelings such as hatred, resentment, and fury; meaning that sadly, I really hadn't. Without forgiveness, is it possible to still heal? Actually, yes! The answer lies in the "release" option. Forgiveness can be hard when facing some of the unforgivable acts. However, by choosing to "release" the pain, we take control and do not have to forgive in order to heal. Releasing the person in your life and forgiving what you can will allow you to let go of your feelings of resentment, vengeance, hate and anger. Ultimately, this allows you to move on from a once-challenging situation.
When it comes to forgiveness, considering multiple options may lead to its better understanding as an ongoing process rather than a corner needing to be backed out of. My story began to be an empowering force of change not only in how I spoke and shared it but also with its influence on Montana law. To this end, I lobbied the state legislature for various changes. Last year, efforts to abolish Montana's statute of limitations for crimes involving sexual abuse proved successful. Victims can now access justice more easily as the civil statute of limitations has been extended, providing them with extra time to take legal action against their abusers. In 2017, Tara's Law, otherwise known as House Bill 298 was successfully passed and signed into effect by yours truly with the focus of educating Montana's children about body safety in public schools. This past year, with the invaluable assistance of our incredible legislators, Montana made history by creating its first Sexual Assault Survivors Day. We enthusiastically mark April 7th every year as a celebration of this momentous accomplishment.
With the assistance of an outstanding lawyer and my own personal triumphs, I was in a position to take my power back. Relying on these achievements, I not only regained it but also served my stepfather with a legal suit. Astonishingly, during the only formal deposition I had, he - who overwhelmingly sabotaged my childhood nights by entering my room unlawfully - surprisingly owned up to what he not only did but also meant to me. To say I was shocked would've been an understatement. Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, this issue is pervasive and thus it warrants your attention. It is an unfortunate fact that approximately one in four girls and one in six boys will suffer from childhood sexual abuse before the age of eighteen. For Native American females born on a reservation, the likelihood of being sexually assaulted like me is almost one and a half times higher than average - from one in four chances to one in three chances. Unfortunately, there is a prevalence of sexual predators in our community. The police officer whom my friend and I sought help from during a late night encounter; he was even recently convicted last year for sexually abusing children and committing child pornography. He will be sentenced in April at the federal courthouse in Helena. The best way to protect your kids is to provide them with an education in body safety. Make sure you talk to them and let them know what steps they should take if something ever happens. It's the first line of defense for protecting your kids! Believe in your child and always choose them if they make allegations of childhood sexual abuse; remember to prioritize their wellbeing. Last but not least, it is important to remember that, no matter what, we should strive to find an appropriate form of forgiveness for individuals within our stories. Sometimes you have done things that have made many mistakes, caused hurt or even led to an arrest; even though you are a survivor of trauma. Despite this, forgiveness of yourself is still a valuable and important concept worth remembering. After all, I appreciate humankind's ability to forgive itself, and so should you.
See also: https://mygodsentangels.com/