I'm Dessa, a member of the renowned hip-hop collective Doomtree; I'm usually decked out in my signature tank top. My job duties consist mostly of sharing my music with the world by performing and touring - both as a rapper and singer. Our shows usually feature me in boots, alongside our collective performance. The activity involves plenty of jumping and sweating, with a lot of noise to match its intense energy. Sometimes, a body check during a performance can be done unintentionally. At other times, the act of body checking can be deliberately put into the act. A hybrid of both an intramural hockey game and a concert, it's something that blends the two events together. One could experience a combination of intense competitiveness exhibited through the playing of hockey on-field kicked up further with music being played and enjoyed by both the players and spectators alike. When I create and perform my own music as a solo artist, the melodic direction leans towards introspection and an inward reflection of emotions, creating a mournful, lowkey atmosphere. One time, my mom even listened to the rough mixes of my latest album and commented, "Beautiful, but why the sadness? Your music is to make you release emotion." Hanging out with some people, I couldn't help but ask my mom: "Who are these people that are familiar enough with the phrase to use it?" I'd received numerous messages over the years from fans, expressing that they needed help getting through their break-up and asking me to release new music or books accordingly. During my career, I had written plenty of sad love songs and si I now understand how these feelings could be difficult to face. I established a professional niche for myself that mainly revolved around the theme of romantic devastation through the experiences of writing, recording, and touring these songs for many years. Most of the songs I had written were not publicly known to be about the same guy. Nevertheless, that was indeed the truth. For almost twenty years, I was stuck feeling embarrassed and heartbroken after attempting to sort ourselves out for what should have been two years. Previously, others seemed to so easily recover from this type of relationship, but I was unable to get past it. No matter how hard I tried, it was impossible to stop loving him. The love that connected us prevented any attempts at letting go, even though it wasn't doing either of us any good.
One night though, while I had white wine, I got the chance to watch Dr. Helen Fisher present a TED Talk. In her work, she was able to pinpoint the exact locations of love in the human brain. Mapping out these coordinates turned out to have been successful efforts on her part in the end. Maybe my love could be found in my own brain, and I wondered if it would be possible to get it out. Wondering if anyone has access to a fMRI lab, especially late at night or something; I Twittered to exchange said appointment for backstage passes and some whiskey in return! And in the end, Dr. Cheryl Olman, who is employed by the Center for Magnetic Resonance Research at the University of Minnesota, accepted my bargain for the exam. I used Dr. Fisher's protocol as a basis and we decided to generate our own sample size by carrying out the same protocol with just me as the sample – effectively creating a sample size of one. I put on a pair of forest-green scrubs, then I was transferred to an fMRI machine on a gurney. Once there, I lay down and waited for my MRI scan to begin. In case anyone is wondering, an fMRI (functional magnetic resonance imaging) machine is a large, cylindrical magnet that follows the flow of oxygen-depleted blood throughout your body. It utilizes a unique technology to track the activity, enabling synchronized imaging and measurements of what's going on inside. At any moment, your brain is constantly demanding metabolic energy. By determining which parts are using the most of this energy, it is possible for the machine to figure out what specific processes are few adhering most often in the brain. By examining neural activity, the fMRI can determine which structures are dedicated to specific tasks. A good example is the constant activation of a certain region when we tap our finger. Comparing pictures of my ex-boyfriend and a guy who simply looked like him gave me an opportunity to evaluate my feelings and gain objectivity. The ex was the primary subject, while the lookalike acted as the control. We had these really high-resolution images of my brain once I had left the machine. We were able to cut apart both halves of the brain, with clear detail visible in the image. Essentially, by inflating the exposed cortex we can get a more intricate look at all the wrinkles present which was referred to as "the brain skin rug" by Dr. Cheryl Olman.
This was important to monitor my brain's activity when looking at images of both men. To observe this, we could measure how reactions were elicited when viewing such images. This allowed us to get a better understanding of how my brain had behaved while observing the two different sets of faces. When I looked at the control, as well as my ex, all of the activities in my brain could be tracked. By comparing different sets of data, it is possible to accurately identify what part of the total is made up only of love. Just like taking two measurements from a scale - one while wearing clothes and one without – the difference gives us an understanding of the impact that clothing has on an individual's weight. We used a data comparison to analyze activity and found that Dr. Fisher's predictions were accurate; we observed activity in the exact same areas that she had predicted. Subtracting one from the other, this result elucidated our findings. I'm in love and my brain is, too. It's a feeling like no other that I'm now experiencing with joy somehow. The orange dot came to life, revealing the ventral tegmental area. A loop of red glowed brightly in the region; this was the anterior cingulate. A set of golden horns curved downwards around it, marking where the caudate begins. Cheryl, after conducting in-depth analysis of the data with her team and partners Andrew and Phil, transmitted me an image in the form of a single slide. My brain was portrayed in a cross section, showing a bright and single dot of activity that displayed my affinity towards this guy. I had realized that I was in love, and had decided to embark upon these extraordinary actions as a result; all because of the love I felt. Having proven it with an image, the vindication that felt was immense. It all felt real even in my head, but now I had a tangible source as proof. But I was also marked in my life journey as an assassin, with the photo being a target that I must annihilate. After all, this feeling was what followed me throughout my whole experience, guiding every step of the way.
In an attempt to find a solution to my immense love, I resorted to neural feedback – a course of treatment that I believed could help me. Experimenting with neural feedback has been shown to be beneficial in the treatment of such medical issues as epilepsy, PTSD, and autism spectrum disorders when addressing behavioral difficulties. Dr. Penijean Gracefire and I had been working together to train my brain rather than lobotomizing anything. She enlightened me as to the nature of our exercise, saying that it was all about training my thinking. We're training my brain so that it's strong and resilient enough to adjust and respond in accordance with circumstances. To achieve this, we are preparing it similarly to the way one would train a muscle. When we're on the treadmill, our heart rate is anticipated to increase, pulsing faster and stronger. Contrastingly, when we are resting or asleep there is a desired decrease in heart rate for optimum wellness. Likewise, when I'm in a loving, long-term, viable romantic relationship, my emotional brain activity is naturally high. Conversely, when I don't have a sustainable and meaningful relationship going on in my life, my feelings die down. Penijean and I chose to stay at my dad's house in order to maximize our time together by completing intensive brain-training sessions. We thought this setting would give us what we wanted and provide us with the necessary accommodations. She walked in armed with electrodes so miniscule they barely reached the size of a dime. Using these miniature charge-catchers, she was able to detect my mental activity – like a treasure, hidden in depths of my skull and flowing through every inch of my scalp. As I felt the electrodes attach softly to my head, I knew that with neuro-stimulation, I was about to witness my brain in action. By connecting me to the equipment, she allowed me a rare glimpse of how my neurons were working - in real time. I had a view of my brain, with the healthy threshold of behavior marked in green, what I wanted to reach for. The other two were hyperactivity displayed in red and hypoactivity showing as blue. She showed me both so I could understand how all of the parts of my brain worked. My romantic regulation brain areas were identified in the Fisher study and can be specifically pinpointed and isolated. Penijean hooked me up with her electrodes multiple times and explained that I was only required to stay still and alert; no thinking or activity needed. As per her explanation, I obliged by keeping myself awake and observing my surroundings.
Every time my brain was functioning optimally, I got a pleasant surprise: the sounds of a harp or a vibraphone playing. It was a reminder of the threshold level at which it was operating healthily. My brain felt like it was spinning at the pace of a year-old computer as I watched on my Dad's TV. Through this experience, I marveled, seeing my rotating thoughts projected onto the wide screen format. She was suggesting the learning would be occur mostly instinctively, which dismayed me at first; however, upon reflection I recalled many instances of forming new skills and knowledge without any conscious effort on my part. Riding a bike often seems mysterious and instinctual; our body knows how to use the muscles involved without us having to think about it – like my left calf muscle and my latissimus dorsi automatically kicks in during any small wobbling. All we can do is learn! Pavlov's dogs also didn't have a sophisticated understanding of things such as protein structures or the sound of a ringing bell, yet their bodies recognize the connection between them and responding - as evidenced by salivating - due to the pairing of the two stimuli. When we got to the midpoint of the training courses, my dad had this to ask me: "So, how do you feel? Does it make any difference?" At which I simply replied that I wouldn't be able to tell until completion and thus didn't want to think about it just yet. After completing the training sessions, my next goal was to go back to the fMRI lab. From there I wanted to retake a scan and compare it to my first one - essentially creating an “before and after” comparison test. I didn't want to risk ruining the whole soufflé of my brain tests by opening the oven door and pondering, so I chose not to think about it. My dad, an unbelievably skeptical person, shockingly told me that he already noticed I was different. This totally took me by surprise since he never even believes my allergies are real. We repeated the entire protocol back at Dr. Cheryl Olman's fMRI machine, viewing the same images of both experimental and control subjects; since the team was kept blind to who belonged to each group, there would be no potential for outcome bias. Rigorous scientific methods were maintained throughout this process. After examining the second set of data, she sent me an image to illustrate what she had discovered. Cheryl believed that the goal has been achieved since Dude A's power over my mind seems to have diminished drastically, correct?
I allowed myself a moment to introspect, to really try and figure out how I felt about the positive outcome of the situation. It had exceeded my expectations, and so it was only natural for me to process this amazing result and savor my accomplishment. At the end of it all, I was right back where I had started – feeling an almost identical set of emotions. It wasn't a fairytale tale ending; my companion was still the same but all else seemed to have stayed unchanged as well. Love, jealousy, amity, attraction, and respect: all of these strong and complicated emotions and more constituted my long-term relationship. The benevolent atmosphere was quite palpable, suggesting even a slight elevation of positive emotion. It was as if these positive feelings had finally come to the forefront. The presence of fixated emotions and otherwise less generous ones also had faded away and were not so overwhelming anymore. Feeling re-sequenced, it might sound like a small thing, yet this enormous shift in my emotional state was the biggest thing for me. If I mentioned to you that I was going to anesthetize you and then extract your wisdom teeth, the order in which these procedures occur should be of great importance to you. I had the rare opportunity to gain insight into love and I felt incredibly privileged to do so. This allowed me to gain a deeper understanding of what it means, as if from a philosophical point of view. The lab granted my wish and 3D printed a model of my caudate - I held the little love in my hand and then promptly bronzed it. Using the sculpture, I created an item to sell at my shows: a caudate necklace to adorn fans near and far! With the help of Becky and some other friends from Minneapolis, we created an enormous disco ball that can be lowered from the ceiling for my large scale performances. Love can be chaotic and unpredictable. It is not limited to beautiful gestures and affection, underneath it appears twisted and intertwined like the horns of a ram, nestled deep in the skull. And through my own experiences, I have had the opportunity to better comprehend even those darker aspects of desire and emotion. When you like someone special, your heart lights up. If he reciprocates the feeling and the two of you are blissful together, then torch the flames of your relationship even further. But in case he doesn't return the emotion, then bring forward a cohort of neuroscientists to quell his person by whatever means necessary.
See also: https://mygodsentangels.com/